12 September 2020 Today

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I hope from whenever and wherever  you are you are having a good today,

I had a couple of interesting dreams last night.  One of them was of seeing Princess Diana in a wedding veil and telling her she could stay, whatever that meant.  The other dream had to do with former President Ronald Reagan and getting car keys from him but instead of getting a car there were beds with numbers on them.

Today is my cousins’ sons wedding and we are having an orange level air quality day. I hope it clears up for them.  The sky is gray, like clouds are in the sky, but it smells like burning! I made my final decision about whether I was going to the wedding or not and I have decided not to go.  I just want the day to be about them and their happiness.  I can’t stop thinking about my own stuff and how I feel about it.   In my minds eye,  I keep seeing myself in black dress looking like I did when I married my ex but alone.  I miss my ex-husband very much and am having trouble moving on without him.  When I think about things I feel like I am being pulled apart   !

today” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one for all the 5 senses)

(“white” in the English Ordinal system equals 65)

one two September two zero two zero ” in the English Ordinal system equals 439 (left side of brain yes, no, may be, no existence” and ironically my name 39 is in here)

these values above made me think of yin and yang :

Yin and Yang

Yin and Yang
In Ancient Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (/jɪn/ and; Chinese: 陰陽 yīnyáng, lit. “dark-bright”, “negative-positive”) is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. In Chinese cosmology, the universe creates itself out of a primary chaos of material energy, organized into the cycles of Yin and Yang and formed into objects and lives. Yin is the receptive and Yang the active principle, seen in all forms of change and difference such as the annual cycle (winter and summer), the landscape (north-facing shade and south-facing brightness), sexual coupling (female and male), the formation of both women and men as characters and sociopolitical history (disorder and order).

 

9 September 2020 Getting to the core

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I am having another day without having a Coca Cola as part of my routine and I can tell.  Is this why I’m having another day of feeling “off?”   I have to be my own personal Sherlock Holmes it seems when trying to figure out why one day isn’t like another.   Why one day I will feel like I can handle just about anything and others where a leaf landing on my head could tip me over!

I’ve been talking with people who are like me.  A lot of what we do is this super-sleuthing, digging through what can be construed as a shit pile of a life for core reasons for what is happening.  I can’t dig too much and or ruminate without becoming practically paralyzed by what surfaces.  For example our family is about to experience a wedding and I have decided not to go because I know it’s a trigger.

This upcoming wedding triggers thoughts of my own wedding and I keep seeing flashes of our wedding pictures in my minds-eye.   I keep seeing my ex and how handsome and sweet he was…how happy we were.  I know that my wedding and the  subsequent failure of our marriage is at the core of why I’m having trouble with my cousins’ son getting married.  A pessimistic self has emerged that asks questions like why even bother with marriage.

So what I have excavated is a trigger to my core and I don’t want it to ruin me or taint anyone around me.

trigger” in the English Ordinal system equals 84 (ironically my ex was born in 1984)

core” in the English Ordinal system equals 41

money” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

8 September 2020 Ruminating

Hello to you, how are you?  I am in my room, door closed, still trying to soothe my raw nerves.  A friend of mine suggested my topic for today be ruminating. ‘

ruminate
[ˈro͞oməˌnāt]

VERB
ruminating (present participle)
  1. think deeply about something.
    “we sat ruminating on the nature of existence”
    synonyms:
    think about · contemplate · consider · give thought to · give consideration to ·

    [

ruminating” in the English Ordinal system equals 126

sleep” in the English Ordinal system equals 57

caffeine” in the English Ordinal system equals 49

sugar” in the English Ordinal system equals 66

 

I have found ruminating too much to be hazardous.  So when there is “too many mind” I try to think of something else.  Problem is if you don’t consciously direct where your thoughts go,  the mind will choose a path of it’s own.  Where your thoughts go there goes the body too (something I learned from Joyce Meyers a long time ago).

Some of the medication I take is to help alleviate anxiety and ironically it makes me sleepy.  This leaves my mind free to torment me with flashbacks like my wedding and songs that evoke a negative physical reaction.   My cousins son is getting married in a few days and what I’m going through makes it difficult to be happy for them.  I keep having to remind my mind that the wedding isn’t about me it’s about them.   My feelings are so strong I have decided not to attend the wedding.  I am afraid I would want to get up and leave during the middle of the ceremony.

I am sincerely hoping and praying at some point I will be able to be comfortable in my own skin again.   I want to be able to remember the good stuff about my life without it being run over by the sad.

 

 

 

3 September 2020 What I used to do and mindfulness

Hello there how are you?  Hopefully good as you visit me here.  Thank you in advance for taking the time to come by and read.  I am settling down after a nice walk and talk with my therapist  .

So the topic that came to mind today was thinking about what I used to do that made me happy and or occupied my time.  There were a whole bunch of things like doing chalk drawings outside, writing, drawing and making copper wire jewelry and or wire trees.  Sometimes there was crocheting and or knitting.  Sometimes there was singing and dancing.  Sometimes there was watching videos on Youtube and or binge watching shows on Netflix. Only a handful of these activities have felt remotely “right” to do in this new life I am living in.   A lot of the reason I have stopped doing things is for fear they would trigger another manic episode.

2 Sept 2020 wire tree pendant

My counselor and I talked today and one of the subjects we touched on was mindfulness.  I told her I often struggle with being able to stay in the moment.  She gave an example of the difference.  It was being on a walk and seeing a tree and being able to describe the tree with specific details instead of just saying “there is a tree.”

I miss my trees back in Alvarado.   I haven’t really gotten to know the tree here in the same way I did there. I wish I had taken some seeds from the oak tree, Yolie, in the front yard,

mindfulness” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 (one yes, no may be all vices in check but one 36= child)

one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side brain light and shadow self process 42=self)

one four two ” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all senses light and shadow self process)

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes no may be right side of the brain 134=information)

one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses person place and or object 150=communication )

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side of the brain person, place and or object 40=food)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or race track of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self all senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (pattern repeats)

 

,,

2 September 2020 Memory (blessing or a curse)

Hello again how are you?

Do you ever feel like having a good memory is both a blessing and a curse?  Right now I am feeling like it is a curse of sorts.  I want to move forward with my life but memories keep popping up that drag me backwards.  When I get dragged backwards it’s a very visceral experience and a lot of times I feel it on a physical level.  This is ironic because for so long I was lending my support to a program called Music and Memory!  As of right now, I am unable to listen to much music now!  So many songs I liked to listen to are connected to memories of the past 12+ years.

Is this why people smoke, drink and or do illegal  drugs?!!!!

So I am going to ask a question in the numbers and see what comes out:

Is having a good memory a blessing or a curse?” in the English Ordinal system equals 408 (left side of the brain, with people, place and or object in between in eternity and or the race track of life existence.  Could the object be the brain or the memory?)

four zero eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 173 (one all vices in check yes, no, may be existence)

one seven three” in the English Ordinal system equals 155 (one all of the senses for light and shadow self)

one five five” in the English Ordinal system equals 118 (one and one separated in eternity and or the racetrack of life existence)

one one eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 (one and one separated all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one yes, no may be for the light and shadow self)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side of brain all vices in check but one 46=Body)

curse” in the English Ordinal system equals 66 (all vices in check but one both light and shadow of self)

blessing” in the English Ordinal system equals 87 (eternity all vices in check)

memory” in the English Ordinal system equals 89 (eternity and “nein” and or no existence)

music” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one with all the senses)

1 September 2020 Changing how you think

Hello there, how are you?  It’s a new day and another day of getting through this life differently than I did before.  This, for me, oftentimes means changing how I think.  Instead of awfulizing things, I am having to look at things in a more positive light.

What do I want to feel?  What do I want to think?  What would make me happy to think about?   Sometimes it feels almost like a reflex to think negatively and when I do,  I break out into a cold sweat and get a chill through my whole body.  I am taking anti-anxiety medications but they don’t always help me.

I don’t want to forget the past, but when I remember it, I want to be able to reflect on it without cold sweats.  I want to be able to listen to music, watch television and or movies without such a visceral reaction and connection to the past.  The past twelve plus  had some of the happiest and saddest memories of my life .  I don’t want to act like they just didn’t happen. I also don’t want them to paralyze me either ! There has to be a way to coexist with the past and present memories so I have a future.  The only way I see to do that is to change how I think.

Let’s see what it looks like in the numbers:

changing how you think” in the English Ordinal system equals 232 (light and shadow self yes, no, may be, light and shadow self process)

two three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 172 (one all vices in check light and shadow self process – 72 also =world and money)

one seven two” in the English Ordinal system equals 157  (one all senses all vices in check 57 = human)

one five seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left side of the brain one process 41 =  garbage)

one four one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow of self eternity and or racetrack existence 28=man)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 *pattern with 141 and 128

 

 

22 August 2020 Privacy, Security and Alone

Hello to you it’s Saturday how are you doing?  I hope things are going well for you .  I have had a significant change to my lifestyle moving in with my aunt and uncle.  I don’t have privacy like I used to have but I do have security and I am not alone .  I am grateful for the change because for a couple of months I was living a strange existence nearly completely alone! Thank goodness I had Link.   As much as quarantine sucks, it is like security by definition in the numbers!  I was surprised by that.

In looking at a couple key words it’s interesting to see how closely they match the actual definition of the words:

privacy” in the English Ordinal system equals 94 (no process, right side of brain)

nine four” in the English Ordinal system equals 102 (one object in a light and shadow process of self)

one zero two” in the English Ordinal system equals 156 (one sensory all he vices in check but one)”

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow process of self in eternity)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left brain process for one)

 

security” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one light and shadow process of self with unknown)

one two zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 156 (one sensory all he vices in check but one)”

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow process of self in eternity)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left brain process for one)

(“quarantine ” in the English Ordinal system equals 120)

 

alone” in the English Ordinal system equals 47 (left side of the brain all vices in check)

four seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self with the senses)

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 May 2020 Leaps of Faith – 12 years

Hello to you.  How are you doing?  I hope this finds you well in your world.  In my world today is about faith, celebrating and reflecting on 12 years of marriage.  A big part of this journey has been about taking leaps of faith both big ones and small.

I believe, and it has been my experience that every person that comes into your life teaches you things.  My husband has taught me a bunch of things like having faith in people, places and things that may have failed you.  It’s everything from the milk you buy at the store to people in your life.  A person that has failed him, especially these past couple of years has been me.  The road we’ve been traveling has been very bumpy.   Being married to someone diagnosed at bipolar can make marriage very difficult.  There is a lot of thinking you know someone and then you don’t know them at all.   You can’t see what being bipolar is except through behavior.

To look back at the past 12 years, our whole relationship has been leaps of faith.

Our shared past is full of huge leaps of faith!  He took a huge one flying out to meet me the first time after we met as two video game avatars, Prinzessa and Efess in FFXI (a MMORPG) in the Valkrum Dunes.  Shortly after we married, he had to stand by me when I had a hysterectomy which meant we wouldn’t have children in our marriage.  We both took another giant leap  when we chose to move ahead of the family to Texas waiting to hear if his Dad landed a job.  Choosing to become homeowners instead of lifelong renters was big jump for us.  All the little jumps like the things he and I did together by helping neighbors, getting involved in the planning of the city and helping out with Animal Control.  Looking back, very little has come easily to us but when we’ve taken the chance, it’s been worth it!

leap of faith” in the English Ordinal system equals 99

thirteen” in the English Ordinal system equals 99

(both my husband and I were born on the 13th)

If you look at the word faith, it’s about believing in something and or someone you can’t always see.  Some people have a faith in an institution like their church of choice, government or health system, some have faith in an object,  others a person and  for many it’s having faith in a God they cannot see.   

faith” in the English Ordinal system equals 44

brain” in the English Ordinal system equals 44

tend the garden of marriage daily” in the English Ordinal system equals 269 – God and people right in this!

God” in the English Ordinal system equals 26

people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

I am hoping that we have many years before us.  I am so grateful he is my husband!  His parents and mine, our grandparents and so many before have lead what it means to be married by their example.   No matter how tough things get, you can still work things out.   I am hoping and praying that what is ahead will be worth all that we’ve already been through together thus far.

 

8 May 2008 – so handsome!
8 May 2008 our wedding day

6 May 2020 Making good choices and could basic income be an option for the US?

Hello to you.  How are you as you visit me here?  I hope this finds you well.  Aside from allergies and being awake way too darn early things are pretty decent here.  When is too early to be awake?  In dog time, from what Link tells me, it’s being awake before the sun is.  As I write, he’s still in bed!

What comes to me this morning is something I’m having to do – learning to accept my part.  What I mean by that is each of us seems to have a part we play on this stage of God’s and mine seems to be the one that I’m trying to accept.  When I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, things seem to go well.  When I’m not, well God lets me know about it.  They were pretty firm about it most recently – tough love is the phrase we are using.

To quote Albus Dumbledore: “It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

So it’s  important to make good choices.

I’ll be honest, sometimes it’s hard to know what a good choice is!   In my life so far, it feels like there is a lot of hindsight on the making good choices scenario.  It feels like all too often I am  asked to make a good choice when I’m faced with a set of circumstances and limited data to go on.  As is the case recently, if it’s not me making the choice, it’s me having to trust someone else about it.

My personal barometer, “if it ain’t light, it ain’t right” works most of the time.  If my heart moves in my chest anywhere but center when making a choice, my choice my need evaluating.  Lately though, and I hadn’t planned on this part,  I am acknowledging that when I feel my heart sink into my stomach it might be because I’m being asked to get out of my comfort zone.  How do you tell the difference?!

This is a question facing so many in our world today isn’t it?

making good choices” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 – a feeling, being yourself, quality of life, spirit alchemy

With this Covoid19 crisis there seems to be a lot of darned if you do, darned if you don’t!  The right answer, as I’ve been seeing a lot, might not be the popular answer or what other people want to hear.   For example, the debate in our state of Texas has been whether or not to open up businesses again.  Is it too soon?  Are these businesses prepared for the changes they need to make to be open safely?   I am noticing a lot of small businesses being forced to choose between their lives and their livelihoods.  I think if they knew they had some sort of income no matter what, they wouldn’t feel pressure to reopen so quickly.  For many, if they don’t open back up, they face losing their business which affects their lives and the communities they serve.  If they do open back up, they are putting their lives at risk being exposed to a potentially infected public.  They tried to give some of the businesses stimulus checks but it’s not enough to sustain a business for a long period like we are potentially talking about with this virus.

A model that exists and I don’t know if this would work here is Basic income.   May be something like this could help the many unemployed and or those losing their businesses from the restaurant, service, retail and agricultural sectors.   They already have people applying for aide so they know who the folks are that need help already:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Basic_income

Basic income, also called universal basic income (UBI), citizen’s income, citizen’s basic income, basic income guarantee, basic living stipend, guaranteed annual income, or universal demogrant, is a governmental public program for a periodic payment delivered to all on an individual basis without means test or work requirement.[2] The incomes would be:

  • Unconditional: A basic income would vary with age, but with no other conditions. Everyone of the same age would receive the same basic income, whatever their gender, employment status, family structure, contribution to society, housing costs, or anything else.
  • Automatic: Someone’s basic income would be automatically paid weekly or monthly into a bank account or similar.
  • Non-withdrawable: Basic incomes would not be means-tested. Whether someone’s earnings increase, decrease, or stay the same, their basic income will not change.
  • Individual: Basic incomes would be paid on an individual basis and not on the basis of a couple or household.
  • As a right: Every legal resident would receive a basic income, subject to a minimum period of legal residency and continuing residency for most of the year.[3]

Basic income can be implemented nationally, regionally or locally. An unconditional income that is sufficient to meet a person’s basic needs (at or above the poverty line) is sometimes called a full basic income while if it is less than that amount, it is sometimes called partial. A welfare system with some characteristics similar to those of a basic income is a negative income tax in which the government stipend is gradually reduced with higher labor income. Some welfare systems are sometimes regarded as steps on the way to a basic income, but because they have conditions attached they are not basic incomes. If they raise household incomes to specified minima they are called guaranteed minimum income systems. For example, Bolsa Família in Brazil is restricted to poor families and the children are obligated to attend school.[4]

 

Basic income” in the English Ordinal system equals 93 – management, growing, therapy, internal, trying, parents

nine three” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 – together, stocking, trust, “to try”

nine eight’” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 – spirit, upgrades, savings, content, emotion, future, growth

nine one” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 – sharing, tracker, humans, species, example, mixing concept

seven six” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 – humility, upbringing, occupation, statement, expansion

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 – a the, innovation, challenge, invitation, grownups, system life

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 – a body, people matter, brain function, peace for the brain, field of study

——————-

https://washingtonmonthly.com/2020/03/18/americans-need-a-basic-income-during-the-coronavirus-outbreak/

While one-time “stimulus checks” are an option— as they were in the immediate aftermath of the 2008 financial crisis—many Americans are going to need longer-term support to weather the coming financial storm. Rather than a single shot of cash, struggling Americans will need an “emergency basic income” (EBI)—i.e. no-strings-attached, continuing cash support, similar to what former presidential candidate Andrew Yang proposed on the campaign trail.

At the time of his campaign, Yang was pushing for a “universal basic income”– a $1,000 per month entitlement for every American. The idea was expensive, impractical. and rife with the potential for unintended consequences. But now, Yang’s original conception, with some important variations, could save millions of Americans from financial catastrophe. That helps explain why its finding new life from proponents l New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (as well as Yang himself). Yet UBI need not be adopted in its original form to do a lot of good; it need not be as generous as an indefinite entitlement of $1,000 a month, nor does it need to be universal. At least not yet.

———————

I currently live on a fixed income so I understand what this is like.  My income doesn’t fluctuate that much so I have to live within my means.  I wonder if this model would work for some of the folks that had small businesses and they had to close them.  Could our country afford this system on a short term basis until be get more stabilized and beyond the crisis?

Anyhew – I’m out of my depth.  People a lot wiser out there on this but that’s just how my mind goes – from small scale to the world.   How do you make a good choice in such uncertain times.  I guess if we are honest with ourselves, now isn’t much different than it ever really was.  There is always risk in decision making.  All we can do is make the best choices we can and hope for the best.   I do hope anyone reading this, if you are in the demographic of folks I’m talking about,  that you have or can get everything you need to take care of yourselves and your families.

P.S.  The Blue Angels are supposed to be flying today – hope I get to see them!

 

 

 

3 May 2020 The Little Things – morning coffee

Hello to you in your today.  It’s Sunday as I write to you and I am blessed to have a cup of coffee beside me, power to run this computer, Link asleep yet in the bed and my health.  My mini gratitude list!  The little things are mostly what makes up the average life if  you really take a look.  All those minor things that when you are in a different situation, you find yourself missing and when they are back in your life you find yourself so grateful.

Quote: Steve Aitchison internet

When I was at JPS, they had morning coffee and what a spectacle that was!  Talk about a reason to get out of bed!  We practically ran down to the coffee cart and then each person had their, what I refer to as, the “dark morning ritual.”  I call it a dark ritual not just because coffee is dark but if you mess with people, sometimes even speak to them, before they have completed their individual process, they can get so fussy!  Each person had their own process and it usually meant quite a mess for the cleaning people or one of us.  Powdered creamer and the variations of sugar got all over the place as each person frantically, in some cases, opened the packages of creamer and sugars.  Some people used ALOT of artificial sugars for their mix!

My thanks to the coffee maker, which changed from morning to morning, was often profuse.   One morning I even had tears in my eyes when I said it to Cole.  Cole was one of those who actually had the formula down to perfection on making the coffee lol!  It’s the little things that can make a time that seems almost unbearable….well bearable.   Sometimes routines are not just routines to those on the receiving end.

When you look at your life as it is, what is it that you are grateful for?  There has to be at least one thing.  When I find my life has taken a turn I’m not comfortable with, asking myself that question helps bring me back around.

morning coffee:

morning coffee” in the English Ordinal system equals 130 – a peace

one three zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 154 – a love

one five four” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 – a child

one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 – a self

one four two” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 – a earth

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 – a one

I requested to listen to this song a lot when we had recreation time.  I like the video attached to it for a time called The Adventures of Jasper Morello.

 

I hope you have a wonderful Sunday and that you find yourself grateful for at least one thing – even if it’s just waking up today.