“Are you there?” He muttered under his breath. He was shaking from head to toe. He held his hands out to the morning light streaming in his front room. “Can you hear me…..God….?” He said a little louder this time. Still no answer. A car went by. A plane flew over his house. The coffee pot gurgled and hissed. A single drop of water dripped out of his kitchen faucet. He wrapped the fleece blanket around his shoulders and went to the couch. He made himself comfortable. He laid back and his gaze drifted around the room. “God I don’t feel good and I’m lonely…..can you help me?! Where are you right now?!” Silence again….and one thought…”take a nap.” He closed his gray eyes, shuddering as he grasped the blanket. Gradually he stopped shaking and drifted off into dreams where he was warm.
Tag: Bipolar life
8 January 2022 Up Early
Hello to you. How are you? I got up early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. It feels like I didn’t sleep but I known I did! I can remember a dream I kept floating in and out of that had a tribal theme….David Bowie even peeped in. I am still not over this darn cold and this morning I was fretting about my Aunt. She’s scheduled to have knee surgery on the 11th and I’m nervous about it.
This morning I talked to God and was like “We are going to need the big guns today!” There are days that are like that. Days that you know a power greater than yourself is needed. You just have to ask and be prepared for what unfolds next.
“All I ask of you is to lead me to the next door. It’s not about being rich or being poor. Don’t let me waste my time here in worry and strife. Help me Lord make the most of this life”
7 January 2022 Friday Booger Brain
Hi. How are you? I’m feeling better but the damn thing is lingering mostly in my head. I’ve got booger brain lol! Yucky!!
This drawing today is a good illustration of how I’m feeling today. Let’s see what’s on my gratitude list…..the car has been running like a champ, Link and I are together, the house is in good shape, I have food, clothing and shelter, I have family and friends and we love each other. I’d say I’m doing pretty well!!
Sometimes if all you want to do is complain it’s best to shift all that power over to embracing what is going right in your life. Just find one thing your grateful for and run with it!! Hugs!
5 January 2022 Feeling Better
Hello to you. It’s another gray, wet and slushy day as I write to you. I’m feeling better but still have a runny nose. I’m feeling a bit scatter brained but what’s new about that ?! Lol ! I’m trying to stay in a space of gratitude – the warm glow space. I have to remind myself that this all shall pass and better things are on the horizon.
“Comfort me or great comforter God that sees through all reasons, wrap me in your love as we travel through all these seasons. Help me stay in gratitude and love even when I’m not feeling well, in the house of your glowing warmth please let me dwell.”
I hope if this finds you under the weather that you will get better soon. Just know your not alone! Hugs!!
4 January 2022 Being Comfortable
Hi how’s your day been? It’s been a gray mushy and slushy day both outside and in my brain. I’m feeling better but still uncomfortable trying to be comfortable lol! My nostrils are raw and I have been feeling light headed….yucky!
Today I was brave again and ventured in to the spare rooooom and tackled some more files. Part of me just feels like saying fuck it and just emptying the room. Just get rid of everything…..but I won’t! Still too sentimental. While I was in there I glared at my POS (piece of shit) printer I’m thinking about replacing. I haven’t replaced it because I know the same scam will come with a new printer – all too quickly it will run out of ink. That’s how they get you. Sell you a cheap printer and charge you through the nose for replacement printer cartridges! Yeah so not in a hurry to do that.
The other thing I did today was look to see if there were any videos of my high school crush’s alter ego Roxy Marquis performing and sure enough there were! Seeing him lip sync Madonna transported me to the two of us driving in his blue Malibu with Madonnas “Get into the Groove” playing in the background. I’m still processing his passing on. There is a part of me that wishes I hadn’t gone back checking on him. I just didn’t expect he would be dead. That he had suffered for 4 years with lymphoma. Sigh. Life isn’t fair.
So it’s getting dark…..
“Where did you go tiny piece of star stuff? All smiling golden and ocean blue what has the Universe done with you?”
4 January 2022 Going Around
Hello to you. How are you? I’m on the tail end of the cold I caught. Sleep and vitamin c and some Alka-Seltzer stuff have helped me kick this thing. Found out this morning my uncle caught a cold too. They are hoping it’s just a cold. That’s what you have to hope in this age of super viruses! My cousins husband and daughter tested positive for Covid recently..starting to wonder if this shit isn’t in our water!!!!
We got some more snow overnight but it’s wet because it’s warmer. I am glad I don’t have to worry about going out in this mess until Friday. I’ve been finding out for the second winter that this town doesn’t do snow removal. For a place that experiences winter you would think it would be a priority but apparently it’s not. So the roads are slick now.
To you reader I hope that you are well and you have something to be grateful for even if it’s a tiny thing …..just one thing. Even if it’s just that you opened your eyes today. From experience if you ask for God to help you – they will. Vocalize – talk to God like you would talk to a good friend. The results might surprise you. Today is going to be a better day. Don’t give up!
3 January 2022 Monday
Hello to you. How are you? Well I’m nursing a cold and writing to you from bed. Link had a rough night he must of eaten something that didn’t agree with him because he was up several times in the night. I found poops everywhere! He seems to be ok now.
Yesterday I was kind of in a weird space. I am not used to being sick, I painted as a way to help me calm down.
Not my finest work but it helped me to do it. That’s all that matters right?!
Hope this finds you well!
31 December 2021 Friday
Hello friend. How are you doing today? It’s still morning and frosty here as I write 22 degrees! The sun is trying to peak out which helps. I think I have gotten myself a mild cold but I’m not going to focus on it too much. The coffee is soothing my throat.
I pulled out the last blank t- shirt I have and it will be a perfect canvas. As it is right now it looks like bleach might of got on it and something else that couldn’t come out. I can use my art to hide those flaws and enjoy wearing the shirt again. The drawing today is me thinking about what I will draw on the shirt. I’m thinking one of my whisp people with a rainbow ribbon. I did a canvas painting like that once as a commission piece for my therapist a couple of years ago.
Looks like I will be alone for New Years Eve and New Years. It’s ok as I’ve never been big on the holiday and if I’m truly sick I don’t want to spread it!
Last night I had a nice Twitch livestream visit with a new follower from Brazil. I keep connecting with young men from overseas. When we get a chance to visit it’s usually way past their bed times! I’m always surprised that they want to talk to me out of all the bazillion channels there are on Twitch. Last night we talked a bit about religion and God. His family is into spiritualism. Apparently his mom tried church and it didn’t work out. I’m still finding my way myself. I like the relationship I have with God. It can be both a simple and complex relationship. As big as the entirety of existence to as small as a grain of sand.
We talked about Christianity and how you have to be saved…believe in Jesus or you will burn in hell. I always am left thinking how can such a large part of the world with their different belief systems be “wrong?” I looked up the percentages for religions and 31% are Christian while 25% are Muslim 16% are non religious and 15% are Hindu – as of 2020. There were 18 others – I found it using Google.
Something we didn’t talk about was free will. If God is all knowing of everything do we really have it? If there is a divine plan in all things I don’t believe we really have free will. Our path seems to be set before we are even born. Where was God when my Mom decided to take her own life? From what I read of her writings she loved God/Jesus more than anything. Where was God when my Grandpa decided to take his life? He was a loyal servant to God got so many years! Where was God when I attempted to take my life a couple of years ago? I had to remember I was bulemic and save myself – there was nothing and no one to save me but myself! The only thing I can think is God doesn’t interfere. He knew what I would do before I did it? He knew I would live to tell the tale may be to save someone else from doing the same thing? Much of my life has been like that. I make “mistakes” and share about it afterwards to help others. Is that part of why I still exist?
The question is still there and may be there is scripture or some kind of answer somewhere – Where is God when it comes to suicide?! According to my Catholic education suicide gets you put into purgatory and you can’t even have a church funeral.
Interesting paper I found about this subject : https://www.mdpi.com/2077-1444/12/11/987/htm –
Is Suicide the Unforgivable Sin? Understanding Suicide, Stigma, and Salvation through Two Christian Perspectives
by John Potter
Are there really that many lost souls? According to this paper 703,000 people a year?!! Where is God in all of that? Are all these people lost? There is no one living that truly answer that question not even the Pope!
I hope something here was helpful. If you or if you have someone in your life that is suicidal I hope you have a support system. I hope you have a relationship with a higher power. I hope you will choose life. I know it’s a struggle some days but you are not a mistake!
30 December 2021 Snow Angels
Hello to you. How has your day been? Today for me was mostly about rearranging snow. We sure got a lot of it. I decided to play a bit and made a snow Angel lol.
“Who is my family? Who are my friends? Who knows where the road begins….where it ends. This life makes wanderers…..explorers of us all. Starting and returning to a shape very small…curved hand in mouth to a suckling ball.”
29 December 2021 Flurries and Wesley
Hello to you. It’s still snowing as I write to you. I don’t know how much we are supposed to get but it doesn’t show any sign of slowing down. If I wasn’t an adult I wouldn’t care. The neighbor kids have their snowsuites on and are having so much fun! I was thinking of how fun it is to make snow angels and then two of them did it! At some point I’m going to have to go unbury my car. Adulting sucks sometimes!
Yesterday I decided to look up an old crush from senior high school and I wasn’t prepared for what I found. He had made a successful career as a manager at Barnes and Noble and as an entertainer. He had been cross dressing and his characters name was Roxy Marquis. He got married to the man he loved. What I wasn’t prepared for was that he got lymphoma and fought the cancer for 4 years. He died in 2020 from it and he was my age- we were a year apart! All the memories I had of him filled my head last night and it was hard to sleep. I had such a crush on him when we were in school! I was too smitten with him to pick up that he was different…that he was gay. He was so beautiful to me. Finding this out evoked a lot of emotions. Why did he have to go through what he did? I felt so scared and sad last night just thinking how hard he fought to live. I hope in his heaven he has peace. RIP Wesley Byers – https://m.startribune.com/obituaries/detail/0000358638/
This morning I found out a friend, Tanya Knight, from my tribe in Alvarado, succumbed to cancer too! She was the most gentle and beautiful woman you could ever meet. Just so vibrant and full of life – she was a healer. I can’t believe she’s gone.
Last night as I was tossing, turning and crying I talked to God. “God I don’t understand suffering and death! It scares me. I feel so powerless – where are you God? Sometimes it just feels like you’ve abandoned us and I don’t want to believe that. Don’t let me waste this gift you have given me…..this life.”
Both Wes and Tanya still have their Facebook pages up. I’m glad they were so I could pay my respects. I didn’t know Facebook did that.
I hope something here resonated. I need to pull myself together and live this day. I think that’s the best way we can honor those who have gone before us – live!
To be 