3 October 2020 Impulsive

Good morning to you, how are you doing? I am doing ok so far today. Still making progress for finding a place to live, hopefully will have a lead on a place Monday. Ideally, I’d like to find a little house for Link and I to rent but a lot of the ones that have come up so far don’t allow pets. A lot of them are already rented.   There are some nice apartments we have inquired about but I don’t qualify. I really wanted to avoid living in an apartment again but might not have much of a choice.  Something nice I can afford will present itself and it will be just the right place.

The word of today is impulsive (something I am trying to avoid doing with this use search):

impulsive[imˈpəlsiv]ADJECTIVE acting or done without forethought. 

impulsive ” in the English Ordinal system equals 126 (a game, a God)(a one light and shadow process of self all vices in check but one)

one two six” in the English Ordinal system equals 144 (a brain)(a one right and left side brain process)

one four four” in the English Ordinal system equals 154 (a play)(a one all senses engaged right brain)

one five four ” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 (a child)(a one yes, no, may be process all vices in check but one

one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (a self)(one right sight brain light and shadow of self process)

one four two” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (a sun)(one all senses process of light and shadow self)

‘”one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (a one) (one yes, no, may be right side of brain process)

 

30 September 2020 Shopping for a place to live

Hello, how are you you doing today? I am doing ok.  I’m trying to stay in a space of gratitude for my blessings.  I am way better off than a lot of people these days!

So the current leg of my journey involves finding a place to live in a boom state.  What I mean by that is I moved to a state that is booming with growth as people from expensive places like California move here.  There is a shortage of low income housing.  Farmland is being sold to home developers that aren’t building houses for single occupants.

So pickings are pretty slim and I can’t see myself renting a home for nearly twice what I was paying for a mortgage. I have been trying to avoid the apartment option because I have had such bad luck in the past living in them.  Noise has been the primary complaint.  Moving into an apartment with a dog that barks at just about everything would be horrible for both of us.   I have to have faith that the right place is going to be there for us we just have to be patient.

Shopping for a place to live ” in the English Ordinal system equals 264 (light and shadow of self process all vices in check but one for right side of brain)

two six four” in the English Ordinal system equals 170 (one all vices in check for unknown person, place and or object)

one seven zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 163 (one all vices in check but one for a yes, no, may be process)

one six three” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side of the brain process of light and shadow of self)

one four two” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all the senses engaged process of light and shadow self)

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be right side of the brain)

one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all the senses engaged for unknown person, place and or object)

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one right side of the brain for unknow person, place and or object)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all the senses engaged in eternity and or race track of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow of self process with all the senses engaged)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (pattern repeats)

 

Just curious:

boom town” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 (two parts of self separated all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one yes, no, maybe, yes, no may be self)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one)

 

25 September 2020 Different frequencies (relationships)

Hello again, it’s Friday here as I write to you.  I can’t believe how fast the weeks and days go by now.  For awhile there it was like time was standing still but now it is definitely not.

I was stumped for a topic again and a friend suggested talking about dating and relationships with people on a different frequencies.  A few years ago I took a Quantum Touch class which deals with energy healing.  Part of the training was about the concepts of resonance and entrainment.  We were taught techniques to increase our energy level before helping someone.  The person we were working with would either rise to our energy level or there was the potential, if we weren’t vigilant, to become entrained into the lower energy levels of who we were working with.

https://www.quantumtouch.com/en/about-quantum-touch/how-does-qt-work

So as far as relationships go, we all operate at different frequencies.  Some people operate on a very high frequency.  You know the kind of people that walk into a room and light the place up.  The other people in the room will either rise to the higher energy vibration or they will distance themselves.  I think it’s important in relationships that there is a balance where one person isn’t dictating where the energy level is going to be all the time.  A give and take, a balance.  This goes for all relationships not just a spouse and or significant other.

An image that just came to mind was of two magnets.  The are either strongly attracted and will slap together or strongly repel from each other.  In the latter case, you will be able to feel the magnetic field resisting the two sides joining.   There s nothing you can do to make them stay together except may be connect them somehow.  To think of forcing a magnet together is kind of like forcing a failed marriage to work I think.

entrainment” in the English Ordinal system equals 133

resonance” in the English Ordinal system equals 94

opposites attract ” in the English Ordinal system equals 217 (I thought it was interesting the same numbers for completely different words came up)

magnetic fields” in the English Ordinal system equals 127

 

24 September 2020 Who is God

Hello to you, how are you doing today?  I hope this finds you doing well in your here and now as you visit me here.

I was trying to think of what to write today and a conversation I just had on healthfulchats.com helped me.  A long while ago I had written a paper about my theory that the first great beings were trees and everything came after that.  I had it posted here but have long since deleted it, In Beginning was Symbiosis. Some of the oldest life forms on the planet are trees and a few of them are still around https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_oldest_trees.  Well thinking about that subject made me think about God and who God is.

People often ask me if I believe in God and I say yes. The natural tendency after that is to want to talk about the bible.  Then if I have chosen Jesus as my personal savior and to that that I always say Jesus is the best part of the book.  Who’s flesh and blood was sacrificed in those early years so that early Bible’s might exist?  Trees, animals and plants.

What I believe is the Earth is God and everything and everyone alive on top is an extension of God.  For every right there is a left aka cause and affect.  There is only good and evil depending on who is perceiving things.  People make things good and evil.   An example I used today about this was the dandelion.  To at least 5 or 6 species of insect the dandelion is a food source.  I witnessed this myself in my backyard.  So to much of creation the dandelion is food but to some people and a bunch of weed fertilizer companies, the dandelion is just a weed.  Who taught them it was just a weed?

Just like with most everything in existence, dandelions were created for a reason and have a reason for existence.  To me they are a flower with antioxident properties. A little info I found about dandelions there are tons of websites:  https://jhiblog.org/2020/05/20/a-dandelion-story-from-medieval-herbals-to-wholefoods/

Who is God” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this is pretty interesting – 1 and two zero’s)

dandelion” in the English Ordinal system equals 78

23 September 2020 Growth (Empaths and sensitivity to the world)

Hello there, how are you?  Hard to believe it’s already Wednesday.  Where do the days go?!!!  My answer is usually “away, they just go away.”  Sometimes I will sit and the clock seems to have a mind of it’s own like there is a fast forward button!

So I asked a friend for a blog topic today because I was having a hard time coming up with one.  The topic he recommended was growth in the context of having a thicker skin when facing the world.  I am a self identified empath and the person who suggested the topic is too.  We are sensitive to the world and oftentimes feel weak because of it.  Somedays everything feels like I have no skin at all.  It feels like everything is touching raw nerves.

So how does one grow beyond what I’m describing? For me it’s just taking time and falling down and getting back up a lot.  Getting a thicker skin when dealing with things doesn’t just magically happen.   I have always been a sensitive person and the world immediate and beyond has always affected me even if I didn’t want it to.  The best way I have found to be stronger about it is to limit my exposure to stuff around me family and otherwise.  There is only so much a person can take before it begins to adversely affect their own life and health.

spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 91

grow a thicker skin ” in the English Ordinal system equals 191

poison” in the English Ordinal system equals 88 (it’s interesting that poison and empathy have the same values because being empathic can mean ingesting a lot of toxins from people, places and things)

empathy” in the English Ordinal system equals 88

empath” in the English Ordinal system equals 63

Another part of growing is what is facing me now and that  is finding another place to live.  When I was living in Texas I was in and out of the hospital for four years.  Thankfully I had my husband and family there to help me through much of that but this last time I was mainly on my own.  It’s difficult to even write about this but I know I have to .

My fear of moving out and being on my own is that I will end up like I did in Texas after I got out of the hospital.  I could barely function.  I used to be so frantic for companionship that  would eat with a family member by the cell phone.  I feel being out on my own this time will be worse because I am living in a new place and don’t know where everything is on top of having anxiety.  I have been in situations like this before but not as the person I am now, I didn’t have to do it alone.  My anxiety and fear is a physical feeling more than ever before.  I just know I can’t do it alone and the people in my life that I would be asking to help are really busy with their own lives.  I feel it would be an imposition to ask even though they reassure me it wouldn’t be.

I know I can’t stay at my Aunt and Uncles place indefinitely but I am just feeling some sense of normalcy and or safety and I don’t want to lose that feeling.   I think a big part of this too is my resisting that I am a single person. I have to let God on this now and trust that everything is going to be alright.

fear of moving” in the English Ordinal system equals 131 (has a 13 in it )

 

21 September 2020 Is it ok to be happy?

Hello to you in your wherever and whenever as you visit me here.  How are you?  I hope you are well.  Something that came to mind today was asking myself if it’s okay to be happy.  I have been having a lot of thoughts lately with the upcoming holiday seasons.  I have been thinking about October with Halloween                                                                                .

My husband and I used to decorate for the holidays and celebrate Halloween.  We had a Steampunk theme started and zombie flamingos chasing a lone pink flamingo….we did stuff.  I don’t know if it’s ok to celebrate Halloween and if I do how will I without my husband.  Knowing my Aunt Ruth we will celebrate Halloween.  I just feel funny inside about it and wonder inside if it’s ok to be happy celebrating the holidays in a new way.   I feel an ache inside thinking about it and am trying to address this now to help me prepare myself.

There is going to be a lot more family around than I’m used to.  I will have to let God  a little on this and trust that whatever happens will be ok.

Is it ok to be happy” in the English Ordinal system equals 191 (one “no” one)

spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (“no” one)

Halloween” in the English Ordinal system equals 95 (“no” all of the   senses)

Thanksgiving” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left side of brain one)

Christmas” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one one person place or object)

18 September 2020 Ashen skies

Hello how are you? As I write this morning I look outside and the sky is gray.  You might think it was going to rain but it’s just ash from the nearby fires.  It leaves a light dusting on everything and they even up the air quality alert to red; unhealthy!

I wasn’t sure what to write about today but I wanted to write.  This week has been pretty productive the house sale is done which was another big milestone.  Now comes trying to find a new place to live and it’s not looking like it will be easy.  There is a boom in the housing market in this area  (from what I hear it’s everywhere) .  I am considered low income so I might qualify for low income housing but there is a long waiting list.  I am blessed to have family familiar with real estate and they are helping me navigate this next part of my journey.  Now isn’t a buyers market at least if you are someone like me.

I don’t know if it’s the weather right now or what but I feel heavy and anxious.  Hopefully the skies will clear and I will be able to get back outside some.  We have been praying for the firefighters.

ashen skies” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one one person, place or object 110=purpose)

housing boom” in the English Ordinal system equals 138 (one yes, no, may be in eternity and or racetrack of life, 38=balance, death) if you add 1+3+8 = 12/3 cycle

16 September 2020 Being Realistic

Hello there, how are you today?  I’m writing to you while I am cuddling with Link where we are all warm and fuzzy.  It was in the 40’s again this morning!  I didn’t wear a jacket but I certainly could have.  The skies are still ashen gray with all the fires surrounding the state.

This morning my Aunt and I were talking about some things and the phrase being realistic stuck with me.  I used to be, especially when I’m manic, like to live in a fantasy world and start connecting dots that don’t belong together.  Part of the connecting the dots is my living in a nonsensical world and trying to make sense of it!  I can take seemingly random pieces of my life and piece them together and they make sense—to me.

The other part of being realistic has to do with relationships.  I am wanting to meet someone and fill the void that was created by the end of my marriage.  I have to keep in mind that realistically no one is going to be able to do that.  So I am having to accept that it may be awhile until I find someone compatible comes along; they have huge shoes to fill.

I was married to a man who was able to be home a lot and keep me company.   We believed that it was more important to be together than to make a lot of money.  We were rarely apart. With the separation and divorce I had to go from that to the life I’m living now; it has been rough.  Realistically, whomever I am with has to be able to work and I have to be able to be independent.  For some reason I lost my independence in my relationship with my husband.  I am starting to think it goes all the way back to my early retirement from the military and subsequent divorce.  I jumped right into my relationship with my current husband without taking time to heal.  Now I am having to process aspects of both failed marriages at once.  I lost my self confidence and self esteem having my career and marriage fall apart like it did.  Now, with this current failed marriage, my self esteem has been completely shattered.

being realistic” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (ironically a 13 in here) one yes, no, may be yes,no, may be existence. the=33)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one existence. body =46)

one four six” in the English Ordinal system equals 146

divorce” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (my maiden name matches this number !)

shattered” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this number looks like a person, place or object destroyed)

self esteem” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 (one person, place, thing and “no” existence)

failed marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( I thought it curious this number matches self esteem)

Let go and let God” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

I am having to do a lot of letting go and letting God these days!

15 September 2020 Closing Together

Hello to you it’s morning yet here as I write.  As I look out my bedroom window, it is ashen gray and the sun is trying to shine.   It’s been like this for days now.  The air quality alert is red so I don’t plan on being outside much today.

Today is the official closing date on us selling our house.  Yesterday they sent out a mobile notary.  I was grateful they did that so I could sign the documents and get them back to Texas today for my husband to sign.  It was all bittersweet.  I am even having trouble writing about it right now.   I wish we had been able to do the closing together but that’s the past.

Like the ending of our marriage, this is anti-climactic and is just happening .  Our marriage happened,  We bought a house and lived in it for 12 years.  We made lots of memories together and I don’t want to just act like nothing happened.  All this said, to keep myself from losing my shit inside, I have to in a way act like nothing is happening.  A part of me wonders if this is what my husband has had to do too so he doesn’t lose it.

“closing” in the English Ordinal system equals 79 (all vices in check in a no cycle)

“together” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no cycle for eternity and or racetrack of life)

I have to believe that all of this has been happening for a reason and everything is going be ok for both of us.

12 September 2020 Today

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I hope from whenever and wherever  you are you are having a good today,

I had a couple of interesting dreams last night.  One of them was of seeing Princess Diana in a wedding veil and telling her she could stay, whatever that meant.  The other dream had to do with former President Ronald Reagan and getting car keys from him but instead of getting a car there were beds with numbers on them.

Today is my cousins’ sons wedding and we are having an orange level air quality day. I hope it clears up for them.  The sky is gray, like clouds are in the sky, but it smells like burning! I made my final decision about whether I was going to the wedding or not and I have decided not to go.  I just want the day to be about them and their happiness.  I can’t stop thinking about my own stuff and how I feel about it.   In my minds eye,  I keep seeing myself in black dress looking like I did when I married my ex but alone.  I miss my ex-husband very much and am having trouble moving on without him.  When I think about things I feel like I am being pulled apart   !

today” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one for all the 5 senses)

(“white” in the English Ordinal system equals 65)

one two September two zero two zero ” in the English Ordinal system equals 439 (left side of brain yes, no, may be, no existence” and ironically my name 39 is in here)

these values above made me think of yin and yang :

Yin and Yang

Yin and Yang
In Ancient Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (/jɪn/ and; Chinese: 陰陽 yīnyáng, lit. “dark-bright”, “negative-positive”) is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. In Chinese cosmology, the universe creates itself out of a primary chaos of material energy, organized into the cycles of Yin and Yang and formed into objects and lives. Yin is the receptive and Yang the active principle, seen in all forms of change and difference such as the annual cycle (winter and summer), the landscape (north-facing shade and south-facing brightness), sexual coupling (female and male), the formation of both women and men as characters and sociopolitical history (disorder and order).