Tag: God

31 December 2021 Friday

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello friend. How are you doing today? It’s still morning and frosty here as I write 22 degrees! The sun is trying to peak out which helps. I think I have gotten myself a mild cold but I’m not going to focus on it too much. The coffee is soothing my throat.

I pulled out the last blank t- shirt I have and it will be a perfect canvas. As it is right now it looks like bleach might of got on it and something else that couldn’t come out. I can use my art to hide those flaws and enjoy wearing the shirt again. The drawing today is me thinking about what I will draw on the shirt. I’m thinking one of my whisp people with a rainbow ribbon. I did a canvas painting like that once as a commission piece for my therapist a couple of years ago.

Thinking about what to draw and paint today

Looks like I will be alone for New Years Eve and New Years. It’s ok as I’ve never been big on the holiday and if I’m truly sick I don’t want to spread it!

Last night I had a nice Twitch livestream visit with a new follower from Brazil. I keep connecting with young men from overseas. When we get a chance to visit it’s usually way past their bed times! I’m always surprised that they want to talk to me out of all the bazillion channels there are on Twitch. Last night we talked a bit about religion and God. His family is into spiritualism. Apparently his mom tried church and it didn’t work out. I’m still finding my way myself. I like the relationship I have with God. It can be both a simple and complex relationship. As big as the entirety of existence to as small as a grain of sand.

Is there anything beyond this door today?

We talked about Christianity and how you have to be saved…believe in Jesus or you will burn in hell. I always am left thinking how can such a large part of the world with their different belief systems be “wrong?” I looked up the percentages for religions and 31% are Christian while 25% are Muslim 16% are non religious and 15% are Hindu – as of 2020. There were 18 others – I found it using Google.

Something we didn’t talk about was free will. If God is all knowing of everything do we really have it? If there is a divine plan in all things I don’t believe we really have free will. Our path seems to be set before we are even born. Where was God when my Mom decided to take her own life? From what I read of her writings she loved God/Jesus more than anything. Where was God when my Grandpa decided to take his life? He was a loyal servant to God got so many years! Where was God when I attempted to take my life a couple of years ago? I had to remember I was bulemic and save myself – there was nothing and no one to save me but myself! The only thing I can think is God doesn’t interfere. He knew what I would do before I did it? He knew I would live to tell the tale may be to save someone else from doing the same thing? Much of my life has been like that. I make “mistakes” and share about it afterwards to help others. Is that part of why I still exist?

The question is still there and may be there is scripture or some kind of answer somewhere – Where is God when it comes to suicide?! According to my Catholic education suicide gets you put into purgatory and you can’t even have a church funeral.

Interesting paper I found about this subject : https://www.mdpi.com/2077-1444/12/11/987/htm –

Is Suicide the Unforgivable Sin? Understanding Suicide, Stigma, and Salvation through Two Christian Perspectives 

by John Potter

Are there really that many lost souls? According to this paper 703,000 people a year?!! Where is God in all of that? Are all these people lost? There is no one living that truly answer that question not even the Pope!

I hope something here was helpful. If you or if you have someone in your life that is suicidal I hope you have a support system. I hope you have a relationship with a higher power. I hope you will choose life. I know it’s a struggle some days but you are not a mistake!

29 December 2021 Flurries and Wesley

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, photography, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. It’s still snowing as I write to you. I don’t know how much we are supposed to get but it doesn’t show any sign of slowing down. If I wasn’t an adult I wouldn’t care. The neighbor kids have their snowsuites on and are having so much fun! I was thinking of how fun it is to make snow angels and then two of them did it! At some point I’m going to have to go unbury my car. Adulting sucks sometimes!

Yesterday I decided to look up an old crush from senior high school and I wasn’t prepared for what I found. He had made a successful career as a manager at Barnes and Noble and as an entertainer. He had been cross dressing and his characters name was Roxy Marquis. He got married to the man he loved. What I wasn’t prepared for was that he got lymphoma and fought the cancer for 4 years. He died in 2020 from it and he was my age- we were a year apart! All the memories I had of him filled my head last night and it was hard to sleep. I had such a crush on him when we were in school! I was too smitten with him to pick up that he was different…that he was gay. He was so beautiful to me. Finding this out evoked a lot of emotions. Why did he have to go through what he did? I felt so scared and sad last night just thinking how hard he fought to live. I hope in his heaven he has peace. RIP Wesley Byers – https://m.startribune.com/obituaries/detail/0000358638/

This morning I found out a friend, Tanya Knight, from my tribe in Alvarado, succumbed to cancer too! She was the most gentle and beautiful woman you could ever meet. Just so vibrant and full of life – she was a healer. I can’t believe she’s gone.

Last night as I was tossing, turning and crying I talked to God. “God I don’t understand suffering and death! It scares me. I feel so powerless – where are you God? Sometimes it just feels like you’ve abandoned us and I don’t want to believe that. Don’t let me waste this gift you have given me…..this life.”

Heavy flurries today

Both Wes and Tanya still have their Facebook pages up. I’m glad they were so I could pay my respects. I didn’t know Facebook did that.

I hope something here resonated. I need to pull myself together and live this day. I think that’s the best way we can honor those who have gone before us – live!

28 December 2021 Shirt

by saymber, posted in animals, Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Just back from getting Link and myself around the block. It’s only 26 degrees out yet! I wasn’t sure if we would go. Cabin fever won out!

Today I asked God for their company as I was having trouble being alone. I’m grateful for Link but he doesn’t speak human! Well the first thing we did was venture into the dreaded spare room aka storage room. It’s that time of year to get ready for 2022 by clearing out old files. With everything that has been going on to largely include avoidance, I was a couple years behind. There is still more to do in there but I at least got a start. God was definitely with me on doing that!

What came next was a lot more fun. We decided to paint another shirt. What we have come up with so far has a real tie-dyed feel to it. I have to let things dry to see if I want to add more paint.

I enjoyed seeing bright colors today

Painting is very therapeutic but as I’ve mentioned before, the process goes so fast. Once I get started it’s already over! The same goes for when I draw something. As soon as the pen hits the paper I’m committed. No erasing…..Tadaaaaa!! Everything is a co-creation with God when it comes to my arts and crafts. When I overthink things is when I get something even a dumpster diver wouldn’t want. I have an attempt at painting Link that is horrible but I can’t bring myself to throw it out just yet. It doesn’t look like him at all!

Poor Link! This is one of my sad attempts at painting !

There is a process to the craft of painting – rules – and I’m terrible about following them. Soooo it’s better for me to do shapes and abstract concepts. I used to spend hours pencil drawing portraits but I find I just don’t have the patience for it now. We just change through time and so do our arts and crafts. As we age our vision and coordination changes making it so doing what we always did a little more difficult.

Anyhew…..thank you as always for taking time for me!

28 December 2021 Tuesday

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, history, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Uncategorized, Veteran Affairs

Hello to you. How are you? Hopefully staying warm! It’s a balmy 22 degrees here as I write to you. Winter is definitely here. I’m so grateful Link and I have a warm shelter. Even as we near 2022 there are people without affordable housing.

So I rousted myself with some Heilung and my little drum this morning. My little drum circle idea rose and fell this year. It’s ok. I don’t regret buying the drum. It gets lots of use.

https://youtu.be/64CACoHNBEI – Heilung Norupo

Thinking of hearth and home this chilly Tuesday!

“Primal beat of my drum and ancient calling, steam rises from my coffee…snow is falling. A warm hearth and home within my heart can be found. An echo of the beginning sound.”

As I sit here this morning I wonder where we are heading in this world. Where am I heading. Things are doing things…..I keep trying to stand still in time but it doesn’t work that way. How do I graciously embrace the inevitable? Lately I’ve been feeling like my mind is in an in between place. When I feel this way I don’t get to just live my life and move forward with it. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the flow….that stream of existence where time doesn’t matter. Your doing what God put you here to do and that’s all you want to do! All you want to do is be in that “sweet spot” with God.

Sometimes when I’m writing I get the place I desire to be. It’s warm and safe. The words just flow and I don’t want it to end but it always does. I had these sort of feelings when I would sit outside in Texas and draw with chalk. I would sit outside for hours and just draw. I felt such a direct connection with God. What was nice is my drawings lasted until the rains came. Then I would have a fresh canvas. I used to draw spaceships that sailed off with the rains. Where I live now I don’t have a slab in the backyard to draw on. I just have a driveway in the front yard and I’m a little self conscious about doing my drawings there.

I believe God isn’t done with me yet. There is a reason I still exist. I have to remind myself that the reason(s) aren’t always big ones. One of my favorite Saints is Therese of Lisieux: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Th%C3%A9r%C3%A8se_of_Lisieux and the reason is because of how she believed in serving God in little ways. Every time I smell roses I think of her. We each have a part in Gods play. Some are major parts and some are very small but they are all important. Sometimes we are destined to live the little way and have to find peace with that.

I hope something here resonated!

27 December 2021 Snow Day

by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there. How are you doing today? I’m doing ok…..having kind of a surreal morning. We got snow yesterday so no travel for me today. Thankfully my therapist is doing phone sessions today.

Links paw print in the snow

Why is today surreal? It’s hard to pin it on just one thing. May be it’s because another year is drawing to a close? Like I’ve said before I hold on to things too tight….even time.

I did a short stream last night. The topic was empathy. Something I feel the world is lacking….something I feel I’m lacking. I have always felt like I was an empath but after what I’ve been through these past couple of years I am not so sure. I’m a harsher person than I used to be. I am not as caring about other people as I used to be. I don’t like it but wonder if it’s a protective mechanism. I wonder if I truly allowed myself to be like I was if I would be able to keep it together.

I am hoping this next year is less frosty for me. I hope there will be reasons to reconnect to my heart and be warm in that space without having to be a blubbering mess in the process. Is there a way to be strong but loving too? I pray God will get me there!

If anything here resonates I would love to hear from you!

25 December 2021 In the Stillness

by saymber, posted in animals, Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. It’s 6:04 pm and Christmas 2021 is drawing to a close. As I sit here writing to you I am filled with gratitude…..and longing. I have been included and loved in to other peoples ideas of what the holidays should be but I find I still miss my little family. Will God ever let me have that again? Can God hear my true hearts desire?

Merry Dogmas from Link
Merry Dogmas from Smokey

New memories were made this year that I will cherish. On Christmas Eve my aunt and uncle came over with a lasagne meal and we went to a candlelight service here in town….it even snowed! In those little candles went lots of prayers! Then today was a wonderful brunch with my aunt, uncle, cousin and his wife. I was grateful to come home from brunch and there were two sweet little dogs to take a nap with.

“In the stillness of Christmas now past my heart lies in the snows of the last. “

21 December 2021 Feeling Like A Scrambled Egg

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello….how are you? Hopefully this finds you doing well. I wish I could say everything is ok with me but I’m feeling a little scrambled eggs today. It will pass it always does.

Like my therapist and I talked about yesterday, I’m just not comfortable in my own skin. She shared with me about eneagrams, personality types and played this song for me: https://youth.be/-sO2UMoOaFQ – Sleeping At Last. It’s a song for type 1 personalities and if you cry while listening to it, chances are that’s your personality type. I cried. What came to me at first when I heard it is feeling like I wasn’t enough for my ex husband…..I miss him so much every day. What also came to me is I’m enough for God. With all my flaws and weaknesses….all the ways I have failed I know that no matter what God loves me. God has been there when I have been at my best….at my worst. What I told my therapist is I want God to have hands I can hold. A face I can touch. Arms to hold me. Sadly it just doesn’t work that way. The place I get to feel God is when we are close and my heart gets that glowing warmth. God is the very air we breathe….too big to be contained in a body!

I’m trying to snap myself out of “this” and get on with my day. May be some shirt painting will help ?! I’m wearing the shirt I did last night – pretty happy with it.

As always thank you reader for going on this journey with me!

19 December 2021 Exchanging Stories

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Home, In the News, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you! It’s Sunday morning as I write to you. I had to kick myself out of bed! It’s gray and no sunshine!! Booo!! I’m looking forward to seeing family today – we’ll make our own sunshine!!

Last night I had a good session on Twitch. I met a young man from the Philippines who had a cold and just wanted to chat. He mentioned that the southern part of his country was being ravaged by a super typhoon called Rai: https://www.accuweather.com/en/hurricane/super-typhoon-rai-hits-philippines-like-a-freight-train/1061450/amp he is fortunate to be living in the north! We swapped spooky stories. His was of being in his parents room and seeing feet in his sisters room. He didn’t investigate whose feet they were until he went downstairs and his whole family was there! When he went back up they were gone! A little later another person came on who is working towards being a psych nurse and I shared a bit of my story with him. I’ve been in the mental health system since 1991 so a person like me has a lot of stories! It was fun talking to them,

Cube for the day

I decided to start a Discord channel after all. We will see how it goes. I’m not real savvy on how it works but giving it a try. A friend of mine asked me the other night what my goal with all this is and it’s pretty simple – to reach people who are going through stuff I’ve been through and help them not feel so alone in this world. There are 7.9 billion people on this planet and yet there are times it can feel like there is no one. Some of us slip through the cracks . I feel that way sometimes even though I have family and friends. Sometimes there are things you can’t talk about with just anyone. They don’t always understand. The other part of this journey I’m taking with Twitch is I love meeting new people and hearing their stories .

God has a plan in all that is happening in my life. I just have to keep taking the next steps!

I’m live on Twitch – Watch me at https://twitch.tv/jwygant

https://discord.gg/uG7wQJmx

10 December 2021 To Friend

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Home, Leading Life by Example, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging
“To friend” – I found this under my cars windshield wiper today! It made my whole day !

Sometimes God winks at you when you least expect it. I was doing a live stream today and went out to the front porch. I looked at my car and noticed this envelope under my cars windshield wiper! I had just kind of said I didn’t really know my neighbors here! Marlene is one of the first people I met moving in here. She walks her sweet dog everyday and always stops and says hello. She is the kind of person that doesn’t know a stranger. Her simple gesture, this act of kindness reminded me that I am not without friends here in Middleton.

This passage came to mind :

Matthew 25:40-45New International Version

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’(A)

Twitch channel: jwygant

7 December 2021 Focus On What You Want

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you! How are you? I’m having a late start to the day. I just didn’t want to get up! I’m experiencing minor depression – just part of being bipolar and also the weather…SAD. Bad combo!

This morning I’m reminded of something I learned a long time ago. Focus on what you want not what you don’t. What you focus on gains power. For example I have started and restarted this very blog post like 3 or 4 times today. The previous attempts were all focusing and giving power to what I don’t want in my life. My complaints. My aches and pains. Getting old. I don’t want to give power to what ails me…..I want to give thanks for what doesn’t cause me to suffer. That’s not to say I want to lie to myself and not acknowledge that negatives exist, they do. I just don’t want them to rule my life!

Pulls out the mental gratitude list:

God, Link, home, food, clothing, working washer and dryer, good phone, internet, reliable power, water, working car, family, friends, quiet neighborhood, healthy body and healthy spirit.

The list usually grows when you start with one thing! If you can get to gratitude your on your way . Yesterday Soul Angel and Energy Healing shared this on their post and I want to pass it along to you. I am always asking God about my purpose in life! According to this I am living my purpose each time I follow my heart:

Fb post Soul Angel and Energy Healing