Category: Spirituality and Religion

1 November 2021 Conditional Love

by saymber, posted in Home, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. I am home from an appointment with my therapist. Some really profound things came up. I had to write about it and hope may be something will resonate with you.

The first thing that came forth was when I was talking about my ex and how I was holding on to our past. How I felt like my holding on to our past was keeping me from moving forward . How I felt holding on to my past was a visceral thing I could actually feel in my head. Like an invisible force holding me back. Well my therapist said something pretty profound. She said “his love for you was conditional.” I felt that so deeply! I immediately felt a warmth in my chest. I thought of Jesus and unconditional love. How I had expected a human being to love me like Jesus and he just couldn’t. Lots of tears processing that! It was a truth I hadn’t considered.

The second thing was I have this huge circle of memories he and I shared and so many of them are good! Powerful! I am so afraid that if I go forward and make new memories that I will leave that past I love behind. I don’t want to let go. My therapist was like “ your holding on to nothing.” He went out of his way to get me a hard copy of the divorce decree. There is literally nothing to go back to! I have to move forward whether I want to or not. Again, more tears! When you talk things out it can bring forth really intense emotions. In case you didn’t already know for yourself, being divorced sucks!

I’m glad I drove to the office day!

30 October 2021 Somebody

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, drawing, Home, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. How are you? This is my second go around trying to write to you! I tried to talk to God today on the morning walk and there was nothing. I guess I was distracted by the trees in various stages of undress or the squirrel running across the road. It wasn’t until I got home and opened my Bible was there something:

Jesus answered him, “it is also written : Do not put the Lord your God to the test.” Matthew 4:7

What does it mean to test God? Is it kind of like asking a lion to jump through a hoop of fire? Asking God to do parlor tricks ? Praying prayers from a place of demanding something versus asking? In my world right now I am asking God to help me heal from the divorce. Asking not demanding. Sometimes memories of my past with him will cascade across my entire being. There is no comfort when that happens except God. Only an intangible can fit into an intangible. No testing here just seeking comfort.

More from May last year

“In all of this something there is someone God has made just for me. Right now without a name or specific form….just somebody “

I’ve been trying online dating and like my cousin and I were talking about online stuff is so much different now. Back in the early 2000’s when I met my ex it was a lot different… safer. Now there are so many scammers. I’ve encountered a few and they want your money not you. I find myself wanting to meet my new somebody in a natural way. Is that Gods plan?

29 October 2021 Thirsty

by saymber, posted in Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello! How are you doing today? I’m sitting here with a cup of coffee and my little drum. I had a nice day yesterday . My cousin came to visit me and took me out to lunch at a burger place called The Habit. They had green beans that were prepared like French fries! I just love spending time with her. She, like the rest of my family here are so supportive. I told her that she is a breath of fresh air. I am truly blessed. She and I talked about trying to get together again and I would drive there! It’s time to get me out of my comfort zone again!

My cousin and I talked a bit about how fast life goes . We are both in our 50’s now and it really makes you cherish and be grateful for the people in your life. This time of life makes you want to make the most of the life you have left. I pulled out my Bible today and turned to the book of John:

John 4:13-14New International Version

13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.(A) Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water(B) welling up to eternal life.”(C)

Reading this makes me think of the wonderful time I had with my cousin and so many other special moments in my life. They are fleeting. I want to hold on to them but I can’t. Just like water they slip through my fingers.

28 October 2021 Breaking Through

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, drawing, Home, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you . How are you today? It’s a sunny start to the day. It feels so nice! I am doing ok today. I’m thinking about Halloween. I bought a couple small bags of Snickers to pass out and am thinking about wearing my steampunk hat and goggles! I am having to break through my grief. Halloween was our favorite holiday.

I did this last May

Who am now? So much of my identity was plural! It was Kyle and Jackie not just Jackie. I am having to find out who I am now. Yesterday I deleted my Tinder (dating app) account because I realized I have no business being there. Like I talked about in my previous blog. I am walking around carrying a bag full of holes!

“Gradually, carefully God unravels the mystery that is a life. Be it mother, sister, friend or wife. Previously curtained paths do a slight reveal. A joy is found that no one can steal.”

27 October 2021 Bag

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. It’s evening as I write to you . Have you ever felt like some unseen force was pulling you down? Keeping you stuck in place when you want to move forward? I feel that feeling nearly everyday. Well lately I have been saying this , “God I have to find a way to live this life!”

A long time ago ,during my first marriage we went to a marriage counselor. He was a priest. He gave me an analogy of what my relationship with my husband was. He said it was two people who each have a bag to bring to the relationship . One persons bag was full and the other was empty with a big hole in it. The person with the full bag kept trying to fill the bag with a hole in it and finally had nothing left to share. Both bags were empty. The relationship could not continue like that.

Sitting here writing this, twice divorced now I have a near empty bag riddled with holes. This past year really tore my bag up! It takes time and a lot of thread to make such major repairs! A part of me is so lonely. I get so bored and want the company of someone nice but I know I’m not ready yet. I’m still sewing patches on my bag. My spirit is an ember when it used to be a flame. I am wanting God to bring somebody into my life when I’m ready. When my bag is full again!

“ I’m going to break these chains that bind me. I’m going to set all my tears to sea. God is watching and waiting. God is ready and anticipating. Say my name. Let the ember be a flame. “ – Jackie

27 October 2021 Wednesday

by saymber, posted in animals, drawing, Home, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello . How are you? It’s an overcast day. The sun is playing peek-a-boo with roaming clouds. Link is here. I am so grateful for him and his company !

“Where are you twin star in all this cosmic dust?”

My little drum

For some reason I’m having trouble writing today. My life is in a sort of stasis right now. Everything is in place but isn’t moving. I feel like God is testing my resolve! I am having to be patient!

“I have to remember there are many pieces to move for a single moment! “

26 October 2021 Right Now

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, drawing, Home, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you . How are you? I hope this finds you well.

So my journey into trying to connect with the world I find myself in is kind of at a standstill right now. I bought the drum. I started the Meetup Group. I have joined a couple groups one that is going to meet online Saturday. My inpatient self is asking God,”what’s next?!” There has been no answer. I’m trying too hard. I’m trying to rush something that feels bigger than myself. The obvious answer for me right now is “WAIT!”

“Oh idle spirit how long are your days. One day rolling into another in a maddening haze. What is your purpose for still roaming this earth? What is your value? What is your worth? Unseen workings behind the veil begin to unwind. When all is revealed a new self you will find”

25 October 2021 Planting Seed

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Leading Life by Example, Nature, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there! How are you? It’s gray and wet this morning but I managed to get a mile in. The air smells so good. Most of the trees have lost their leaves and everywhere is red, orange and gold.

So this morning I asked for a topic and my mind was clear enough to hear the answer. It was planting seed. Not the kind of seed you plant in the dirt but the kind of seed you plant in another’s spirit. It’s the feeling of warmth you get right in the center of you when you have an idea. For example watching drum circle videos and how to make drums planted a seed in me to try and start a Meetup group. Every time I think of what could potentially happen I get a warm feeling in my chest. The seed planted in me by others is growing!

A long time ago I was taught by my Quantum Touch teacher “ that if it ain’t light it ain’t right!” Meaning if you are doing something and your heart is not centered in your chest like if you feel it in your throat or stomach, chances are something isn’t right! We each have a way to check in with ourselves to see if we are where we are supposed to be. Sometimes seeds are passed on to us just to be stored… to be carried to the right person.

The trees teach so much. Back in Texas there was a cottonwood tree that used to put out tons of seed every year. The seed went everywhere and got into everything! To many it was a nuisance. After I got over being annoyed I started to see something. Very little of the trees seed actually landed on fertile soil but that didn’t stop the tree from putting out so much seed. Each of us could be like that cottonwood but so many of us just give up on our dreams….the fertile soil is just so overgrown and crowded! You see this especially in the worlds of the arts. It’s so hard to break through the soil and get noticed. Like I’ve talked about in a previous blog about niches.

“Oh to do what makes us glow! That feeling of being right where God wants you to be. There really isn’t another feeling quite like actually being able to bloom where your planted. “

24 October 2021 Tiny Drum

by saymber, posted in Home, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi there! I couldn’t wait til tomorrow to tell you about the new addition to my home! My drum arrived just a few minutes ago and boy was I surprised . My new drum is tiny!!

My tiny drum

It’s tiny but makes a great sound. I can imagine playing it shoulder to shoulder with bigger drums. It was kind of a mess when I unwrapped it – covered with dust but I was able to get most of it cleaned off.

The other exciting thing that happened today was I bit the bullet and started the Meetup group. It’s called Connect Middleton Idaho. I planted a seed and hopefully it will bear good fruit. Part of me is really nervous about it but I feel it in my heart. In my heart this feels like the path God wants me to go.

All of this is me trying to find myself again. Thank you for taking this journey with me .

24 October 2021 Sunday

by saymber, posted in dreams, Home, Leading Life by Example, Money, Nature, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there! How are you? As I write to you it’s gray and wet. We are getting some much needed rain. I took some extra Vitamin D this morning to help out with SAD (seasonal affective disorder). I just want to hibernate like a big ol grizzly when the seasons change. It’s dark by 7 pm right now and the lights don’t really come back on til around 8 am!

So I’m hoping my drum arrives today. A friend of mine said his Amazon delivery hasn’t showed up . It was supposed to be at his place yesterday. I imagine this is the supply chain problem?!! It would be nice if they let people know there was a delay! A positive side to the delay is it gives me more time to think about things!

I had trouble falling asleep last night. I kept hearing drums in my head! I kept imagining the lawn chairs on my porch being filled with people playing a drum or some other musical instrument . Then my thoughts got bigger. They expanded out to seeing a group of people meeting at one of our local parks. I could see a community of like minded souls praising God together outside or inside if there was a place to do it.

“Start small. If you grow too big too fast you’ll fall.”

Is this a God thing? When your someone like me you have to be careful that passions aren’t just mania manifesting itself. I don’t want to plant this seed, in this case put money down to start a Meetup Group, and then lose interest. Judging by the fact there aren’t any groups for Middleton I’m nervous that I’m not going to reach the people here. I guess this is a time for faith. A belief in what can’t be seen. If this is God at work I have nothing to worry about and just have to practice what I preach! Patience!!