Hello to you. How are you doing? It’s Friday again – this week went fast.
Yesterday I went with my cousin to an appointment with a neurologist. They didn’t find anything of concern – brains ok! Very short visit. Kind of felt like a waste of time but at least it was good news. The doctor was much more cheerful than the first time we met. Whatever is going on in my head and ears appears to be something non-detectable by standard tests. He said he thinks whatever is going on may be connected to the medication I’m on. I’ve been on Depakote before and didn’t have the side effects I’m experiencing. I think it’s Mal de barque and I’m just going to have to live with it.
What was good about going is I got some quality time with my cousin Laura – that wasn’t a waste of time! We had a nice lunch at Chik-Filet. During our visit she was trying to help me figure out things I can do to get me out of the house more or have something meaningful to do. Both her and my Aunt do that. This is helpful for me as sometimes it’s hard to get out of my own way. The limitations holding me back are mostly physical, not wanting to drive and especially not wanting to leave Link for long periods of time. She had a lot of ideas for me to think about! She encouraged me to think of things I can do not what I can’t. I am hoping with the medication change I will be starting that I won’t be tired so much and will have more stamina – hopefully will lose some weight!
These cheerful painted rocks were out front of the hospital
Psalm 30:2New International Version
2 Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
Hello to you. How are you? I just had a good talk with my Aunt. She was concerned about what I wrote about yesterday regarding spirituality. She felt it was a little dark and that we need to be moving on from those memories. I reassured her the best I could. I had to remind her that in addition to writing for me I’m writing to help others like me or the family and friends of those like me. By sharing my experience, strength and hope I am hopefully helping someone else who might be going through similar circumstances and have no place to turn to.
What I learned through AA is the more we share our stories of recovery the less it hurts and the more people we help. Each day someone is diagnosed with Bipolar and it can be devastating and overwhelming. I still don’t completely understand it and I’ve been living with it for many years now. I just know Mania and crippling anxiety is what we want to prevent from happening! The Mal de Barque syndrome is also going on too and there is no cure for it or even real tests that can definitely identify it.
My family and friends, my church all encourage me to lean not on my understanding but to lean on God through all of this. I’m trying! I want to make it clear that I’m not seeking sympathy or attention by sharing. I am sharing to help understanding about a condition that doesn’t make sense! There are people who think mental illnesses are something you can just get over and it’s like diabetes or heart disease – you just can’t see it by looking at a person but it’s very real and needs special treatment with both medication and therapy. It’s an inside job until the bad stuff happens and can be seen in behavior!
My Aunt directed me to a great passage in the Bible that she wants to memorize:
Philippians 4:8 New International Version 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Took my phone along for a short walk last night Cheerful pink roses Are these daffodils? My best buddy enjoying some patio time this morning
Hello there! How are you today? It’s a bright and sunny day here. I haven’t been taking pictures lately as I haven’t been on my usual walks in the afternoon. My back is feeling better so I need to get back to it! There is beauty happening!
Todays prompt is a great one. Just last night before trying to fall asleep I talked out loud to Jesus. I haven’t done that in a very long time. Spirituality, relationship with God is very important to me and is a favorite subject to discuss. Ever since what happened last August, I have felt kind of distant from God. I felt like God had abandoned me but that’s probably to the contrary of reality. If I had kept going on the path I was on I probably would have ended up in jail! God intervened in the most extreme way. I was convinced, once again, the world was ending and Jesus was coming back. I felt like he was taking too long so I was going to initiate things on my own! Not a good idea! I never want to be in the situation to be tased again! It was very traumatic. I just wasn’t in control of myself anymore.
When I get overcome by the spirit world, which is what has happened prior to me being hospitalized every time, I become very reckless and sometimes even angry and violent – not entirely in charge of “driving my car.” The car being my body. It’s like being possessed by forces beyond my control. This last time I took a meat cleaver to the inside of my house and broke a bunch of momentos and other things that were glass. I got rid of all my identification. I was convinced that my Link had been left to die in the house. There are a lot of things I don’t remember happening – they are blacked out. Thank God for my family! They came and restored order to my little house and they all are the extensions of the living God in my life.
When I have talked to most Christians, especially women, they have said loving Jesus is about relationship not religion. From my own experience, I agree! I have to be careful to not get too religious. I have been neglecting and struggling with my relationship because of my health lately. This swaying motion in my head , fullness in my ears and playing with the cocktail to get my mental health right has affected my relationship with Jesus AND myself. Everything is such an effort and I get so tired so easily so I want to sleep a lot. My patterns for sleep and being awake are all wonky. My doctors think it’s the medication and we will be trying something new, Abilify, to see if things get better.
I just want my spiritual/creative juices back! The kicker is with the medication to control mania, whatever it ends up being, I will probably never be as creative as I once was. With Bipolar 1, which is my primary diagnosis, mania is to be avoided and is the primary target of the medication I take. It’s either risk being overcome by mania and be creative or not be manic and have little to no creativity. I want peace of mind for myself and those who love and care about me. So who I once was is forever on the chopping block! I used to feel so close to God as I understood him. The ways of that connection, my creativity, spirituality, have been stifled ever since I started taking heavier medications. I haven’t drawn a picture or written a poem, crocheted, made jewelry or done something that I used to do in almost a year! Anything I have done has felt forced – not just flowing with usual ease it used to. It’s like writers block. I try to just take a pen to paper and nothing comes.
I have to remind myself that I need to focus on what I can do – not on what I can’t! Taking pictures on walks has become one of the new ways to share my eyes for Gods beautiful creation but even that is limited by my physical health!
One of the last drawings I’ve done. This was about going to Grace House, a home Grace Bible Church has leased within walking distance for me.
Matthew 8:28-34New American Standard Bible
Jesus Sends Demons into Pigs
28 And when He came to the other side into the country of the Gadarenes, two demon-possessed men confronted Him as they were coming out of the tombs. They were so extremely violent that no one could pass by that way. 29 And they cried out, saying, “[a]What business do You have with us, Son of God? Have You come here to torment us before [b]the time?” 30 Now there was a herd of many pigs feeding at a distance from them. 31 And the demons begged Him, saying, “If You are going to cast us out, send us into the herd of pigs.”32 And He said to them, “Go!” And they came out and went into the pigs; and behold, the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and [c]drowned in the waters. 33 And the herdsmen ran away, and went to the city and reported everything, [d]including what had happened to the demon-possessed men. 34 And behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus; and when they saw Him, they pleaded with Him to leave their region.
Hello to you. How are you? I just got off the phone with the pharmacy through the VA. We decided to take me off the Metaformin as I’ve been having diarrhea taking it. She wants me to try Abilify and taper off of Olanzapine as the side effects of Olanzapine (Zyprexa) are weight gain and fatigue. Apparently Abilify is better about that. She is thinking may be of taking me off of Depakote eventually too – which would be nice. I’m so tired of this pharmaceutical cocktail business! In the end it will hopefully be worth it!
James 5:14-16 NIV
14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.
Hello to you. How are you? I was supposed to start volunteering today but couldn’t do it. I moved the wrong way a couple days ago and even with a back brace could hardly walk without pain. I don’t like to take Tylenol or other pain medication because a lot of times it doesn’t work for me and it’s hard on the liver over time. I’m already taking medications that are tough on my liver.
The gal I’ve been communicating with at the Food Pantry said she has Tuesdays covered now but would let me know if anything opens up. This is a case of my spirit being stronger than my body! I’m kind of disappointed in myself but I think it was the right thing to do. If I am supposed to volunteer at the pantry I feel another opportunity will present itself.
Psalm 73:26New International Version
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Hello there. How are you doing? I’m doing ok. It’s a beautiful Saturday. Lots of sunshine!
Who do I spend the most time with? My dog Link and my cell phone! Being divorced and untrusting of the internet dating apps and I don’t get out much means spending a lot of time by myself….staying at home.
I would say the other being I spend the most time with is God. I will say though that for the past couple of years my relationship with God has been different. Almost strained if I can use a word for it. I have to work at it more than I used to. This last episode really tested my relationship. I know everyone thinks God didn’t abandon me but that’s not what it felt like to me getting tased by people I was always praying for – the police and fire fighters. May be that’s just what needed to happen to prevent a complete downward spiral and God knew it. I was not safe on my own. I just know our relationship isn’t what it used to be. I try to stay close but some days God seems so far away. Thankfully I have beautiful family and friends to remind me of Gods love for me.
My best friend with paws – Link is Gods feet on the ground to help me not be completely alone day to day
Isaiah 59:1-2New International Version
Sin, Confession and Redemption
59 Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. 2 But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.
Hello to you. Hope this finds you well as you visit me here today. I just finished an intake appt for behavioral health through the VA. Fun! Fun! So many questions!
Today my mind turns to thinking about finding happiness where you find yourself living. Blooming where your planted. This is something I’ve tried to do most of my life. Next week I’m going to see about a volunteer opportunity at the local Food Pantry here in town. I have been praying about an opportunity to serve my community that wasn’t politics and this showed up on Facebook. What’s pretty cool is the gal I talked to is medically disabled too . She said she really likes helping out at the pantry. Like her I need a purpose in life – a reason to get up in the morning!
Plants and Trees bloom where they are planted and so can we!
Hosea 14:5
5 I will be like the dew to Israel; he will blossom like a lily. Like a cedar of Lebanon he will send down his roots;
Hello to you. How is your week going? Can you believe it’s June already? This year is flying by.
So todays question is what jobs have you had. The only job I had was for 16 years active duty in the United States Air Force. I was a Personnelist or a secretary. I worked in the MPF (Military Personnel Flight) at the bases I was stationed at. Personnelist were responsible for taking care of other military members on base – their careers, evaluation reports, retention contracts, training, retraining, assignments and more.
When I worked in Customer Service I would have to do Identification Cards for widows and widowers. It was such a sensitive thing I would cry after they left. I was a very sensitive person! My favorite job was Personnel Systems Management- working with computers and really fun guys was way better than Personnel. It was short-lived bliss though as they outsourced our jobs to civilians shortly after I retrained into the job! Being the highly sensitive person that I was, I just wasn’t cut out for military life; I didn’t make it to a full retirement. I got so attached to people, places and things that when it was time to say good-bye it was just so hard each time. The people you work with you grow to love like family! I hate good-byes!
My first duty assignment was a Travis AFB California and that’s were I met and married my first husband. Our second assignment was in Germany at Bitburg ABS I really loved being in Europe – didn’t want to leave! Our third assignment was in Colorado. I was stationed at Falcon AFB and my husband Peterson AFB in Colorado Springs. I was at Falcon then HQ Air Force Space Command and then the MPF at Peterson. I loved Colorado because I got to see my Grandma and my Uncle Bill more often, she lived in Ft. Collins and he was living in Golden and was a CEO at Coors. The natural beauty of Colorado was amazing. My first husband loved to fish and I would go with him. I loved falling asleep on the shore of a lake on Pikes Peak – the quaking Aspens would lull me to sleep. My last assignment was at Patrick AFB. I had my breakdown there and was medically retired. I was doing some really unhealthy things trying to cope with my failing marriage and too much work. I liked Florida but missed Colorado! Living in a beach type world is definitely a different lifestyle.
Link doesn’t make it far before we have to stop Love the colors of this rose Some colorful sights from last evenings walk
Colossians 3:23-24 says: “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
What does “having it all” mean to you? Is it attainable?
Hello to you. How are you? I’m just back from a dawdle with Link. I’m lucky to get him around the block these days. I have had to learn patience with him. He isn’t a spring chicken and neither am I. The peonies are blooming in the neighborhood – so beautiful:
My neighbors peonies are open!
Yesterday was nice. My cousin whose son got married yesterday, had a gathering at her house. I didn’t stay long as I was feeling really tired. I still haven’t really recovered from my fall this winter. My lower back is still bothering me.
Todays prompt questions what does it mean to me to have it all. I have learned to be grateful for what I have. When I have everything I need and want for nothing I need I feel like I have it all. Currently I have all my needs met and anything over and above that is icing on the cake. When I was active duty I was busy all the time. I worked a lot and then came home and had household chores. I didn’t have a lot of free time. I guess I never really thought of trying to have it all in our societies standard – working, having free time, hobbies, vacation, spending time with family and friends, being married and having children. I’ve just been grateful as I’ve gone along! I think societies having it all is attainable but not necessarily sustainable. You can get burnt out without balance and that happened to me.
Mark 12:30-31New International Version
30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a]31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] There is no commandment greater than these.”
This was a birthday gift from my Auntie. She likes to find things with my middle name!
Hello to you. How are you? Today my thoughts turn to Joy. Not only because it’s my middle name but because it is indeed a choice we can make in this life. I have to remind myself! I get so set in my ways – grumpy even. I feel like as I get older I have developed an armor to try and shield myself from getting hurt. Dr. Wilhelm Reich talked about such an armor in his work. Our bodies get rigid and we get almost frozen. When I was in love I was my least rigid. When I chose to approach life with joy my body was fluid and free.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
To be 