12 Mar 2026 Focus

Hello and good evening. I am writing to you to help quiet my brain before bed. I have been having good dreams since the one I told you about with sleep paralysis. This past day I dreamt about being with my ex and his brother. I really miss both of them and the in depth talks we used to have. We were good friends! The dream felt like a nice visit with them.

My thoughts tonight turn to the word focus. The context being of what I focus on gaining power in my life. I am currently focusing on losing weight and being more active. It’s going from just thinking to doing. This is a battle because of the fullness in my ears, balance and my lower back. I am hoping the Tai Chi, currently at a beginners level and walking, will gradually help me out with what is holding me back.

The other thing that holds me back in my life is my love for my dog Link. I hate leaving him alone for too long. He is going to be 12 this coming December! He’s a senior dog now and I don’t know how much longer we will have together. After him I don’t know if I will be able to have another pet. There are a lot of things I don’t do because of my responsibility as a pet owner. My little old man gets a lot of my focus.

What we focus on gains power – takes center stage of our lives. The past couple years I have been trying to put Jesus at the center but I will be honest it’s not been easy. I was a pagan for a long time. Prior to being a pagan I was a Roman Catholic for many years up until I left home. After the Catholic Church refused to acknowledge my first marriage I tried many other churches and just couldn’t find one I felt comfortable or accepted in. In the church I am currently attending, Grace Bible Church, I have found acceptance and fellowship but sometimes I feel like the chameleon tattooed on my shoulder. My ability to feel anything deeply has gone the way of my creativity. I want to feel Jesus’s love for me and sometimes I just don’t! I want to weep with the depths of his love and I just can’t. What used to come to me so easily has been reduced to this blog. I am so grateful to you who come to visit me here from all over the world which encourages me not to give up writing altogether!

Dear Jesus I come before you asking for you to heal me in my brokenness- physically, mentally and spiritually. Please show me you are present and that you love me. I ask that you make your presence known to all in this world that thirst for the living water only you can provide. Help me and others like me authentically be vessels of your spirit. Free me and others like me from the bondage of self. Amen.

10 Mar 2026 Sleep Paralysis and Shadow People

Hello to you. I’m about to try and fall asleep. I just finished watching Inferno starring Tom Hanks for free with ads on YouTube. It was pretty good.

https://youtu.be/7QpgXP1ElXA?si=4Xd66KY3q6Lgg9GC – Inferno starring Tom Hanks – free with ads

I am hoping to fall asleep and stay asleep til a reasonable time in the morning. Last night I was awakened by a sleep paralysis dream. I’ve been having them pretty often. This time I saw a shadow person and let it know I saw it. Then it came at me and was choking me. I could only cry out for my daddy and then it stopped. I chastised it for terrorizing me and my dog. I feel like it took place in my childhood home. The place seemed like a blend of worlds.

When I have these dreams I usually am in a place I know but it’s slightly different – like an alternate dimension. They are lucid dreams as I usually realize I’m dreaming and try to interact with what’s going on. I can only speak and the rest of my body can’t move. When I have these dreams Link gets upset!

Psalm 91:5-6

You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday

2 Timothy 1:7New International Version

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid,but gives us power, love and self-discipline

5 Mar 2026 World

Hello and good evening to you. I tried going to sleep a couple hours ago but my mind just won’t be quiet! I should be used to this by now. So here I am writing to you. Today I went to Thursday prayer at Grace House which is always good. We had a lot to pray about! Pastor Jason’s daughter Harper is really having a hard time. So many people in our church are having health issues. Afterwards I went to the Sunrise. I wasn’t going to go but changed my mind. Going there is like home away from home for me now. I look forward to seeing and hearing Emma and her staff.

As I lay here in the quiet and dark my mind is thinking of the world. What is happening?!! It feels like everything is unraveling. I keep thinking of the children and the world they are inheriting. So many children are dying or are suffering in some way. My nightly prayers are for divine intervention. Our world leaders need to back up their nice words with action!

Dear Jesus I pray for this fragile blue dot we call home. Please be with all the children and most vulnerable – cover them with your love. Please give leaders at all levels of government and influence wisdom in their governance. May the Holy Spirit guide them in all their ways. Please be with those who care for the unhoused, poor and sick. Please protect all those who are in service and who serve others. Amen.

https://youtu.be/Zrxdgat3y9c?si=NtVKuWk8k4D12v3r – Lotus by Secret Garden

https://youtu.be/L6zulqXLPUw?si=chgcQrbs1IH8KLI8 – Hello from the children of planet earth

27 Feb 2026 Holy Spirit – Surrender

Hello to you. I went to bed with the intention of going to sleep but alas as soon as I turned off the light, my eyes popped open like one of those spooky antique dolls! This is normal for me. So where are my thoughts and why are they so loud?! They are on the Holy Spirit and surrender. The last time I surrendered to the Holy Spirit a bunch of really big things happened. I got sober and quit smoking which are really difficult things to deal with on your own.

I’m currently on a healing journey with the Holy Spirit and I can feel slight changes. I keep asking God to heal me of what afflicts me and I can tell that I am being lead on a path. The latest thing is Tai Chi. It’s everywhere I look online! I followed a beginners YouTube video today and could really feel it:https://youtu.be/cEvSqHZIj8w?si=_h8_XwBwlUTiJuhj – Tai Chi for beginners 7 min workout. My back didn’t hurt and I was able to get a mile walk in today. I want to get better and get back into shape. I’m tired of being overweight and without purpose.

Dear Jesus I thank you for this beautiful day. I am grateful for being allowed the privilege to get another chance to walk with you where I feel you are leading me. I pray for all my family and friends on this side of the veil. I pray for this entire planet and all the lives dependent on her well being. Thank you Lord. Amen.

22 Feb 2026 Didn’t Work

Hello to you. It’s Sunday again! I went to church this morning and was so happy to see and get to hug my friends to include dear Jeannie. With everything that’s been going on with Roy she’s been through it! He is in rehab and physically he’s on track but mentally he’s not. Jeannie was able to take his dog to visit and I’m sure that lifted his spirits.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts I am on my own healing journey. I am kind of disappointed as today is the last day of my ear drop treatment and I’m still having fullness in my ears. I had so hoped my doctor had figured out was wrong with me! I keep praying that Jesus will heal me and believe he will. I’m trying to act as if he already has. I see my primary care doctor next month and we shall see how I’m doing.

I found out my cousin Heidi is coming home Tuesday from rehab and she will be needing help adjusting. I keep her in my prayers everyday!

Today Pastor Jason went through the second part of the blind man Jesus healed in John 9. He emphasized a relationship with Jesus isn’t a vending machine, transactional or something just for Sundays. It’s an everyday relationship. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough but with my physical state I am limited. I do what I can. I have to remind myself that I am enough! Here is all of John 9:

Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind

John 9New International Version

9 As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

After saying this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man’s eyes.“Go,” he told him, “wash in the Pool of Siloam” (this word means “Sent”). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.

His neighbors and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, “Isn’t this the same man who used to sit and beg?” Some claimed that he was.

Others said, “No, he only looks like him.”

But he himself insisted, “I am the man.”

10 “How then were your eyes opened?” they asked.

11 He replied, “The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see.”

12 “Where is this man?” they asked him.

“I don’t know,” he said.

The Pharisees Investigate the Healing

13 They brought to the Pharisees the man who had been blind. 14 Now the day on which Jesus had made the mud and opened the man’s eyes was a Sabbath.15 Therefore the Pharisees also asked him how he had received his sight. “He put mud on my eyes,” the man replied, “and I washed, and now I see.”

16 Some of the Pharisees said, “This man is not from God, for he does not keep the Sabbath.”

But others asked, “How can a sinner perform such signs?” So they were divided.

17 Then they turned again to the blind man, “What have you to say about him? It was your eyes he opened.”

The man replied, “He is a prophet.”

18 They still did not believe that he had been blind and had received his sight until they sent for the man’s parents. 19 “Is this your son?” they asked. “Is this the one you say was born blind? How is it that now he can see?”

20 “We know he is our son,” the parents answered, “and we know he was born blind. 21 But how he can see now, or who opened his eyes, we don’t know. Ask him. He is of age; he will speak for himself.” 22 His parents said this because they were afraid of the Jewish leaders, who already had decided that anyone who acknowledged that Jesus was the Messiah would be put out of the synagogue. 23 That was why his parents said, “He is of age; ask him.”

24 A second time they summoned the man who had been blind. “Give glory to God by telling the truth,”they said. “We know this man is a sinner.”

25 He replied, “Whether he is a sinner or not, I don’t know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!”

26 Then they asked him, “What did he do to you? How did he open your eyes?”

27 He answered, “I have told you already and you did not listen. Why do you want to hear it again? Do you want to become his disciples too?”

28 Then they hurled insults at him and said, “You are this fellow’s disciple! We are disciples of Moses!29 We know that God spoke to Moses, but as for this fellow, we don’t even know where he comes from.”

30 The man answered, “Now that is remarkable! You don’t know where he comes from, yet he opened my eyes. 31 We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly person who does his will.32 Nobody has ever heard of opening the eyes of a man born blind. 33 If this man were not from God, he could do nothing.”

34 To this they replied, “You were steeped in sin at birth; how dare you lecture us!” And they threw him out.

Spiritual Blindness

35 Jesus heard that they had thrown him out, and when he found him, he said, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?”

36 “Who is he, sir?” the man asked. “Tell me so that I may believe in him.”

37 Jesus said, “You have now seen him; in fact, he is the one speaking with you.”

38 Then the man said, “Lord, I believe,” and he worshiped him.

39 Jesus said,[a] “For judgment I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those who see will become blind.”

40 Some Pharisees who were with him heard him say this and asked, “What? Are we blind too?”

41 Jesus said, “If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.

9 Feb 2026 Why So Serious?!

Hello and good evening to you. It’s the end of the day and I figured I would write to you before trying to go to sleep. How was your day? Did your team win the Super Bowl? I only saw part of the game and missed the half time show that got mixed reviews. I was glad to see Trumps feathers got ruffled by the show. I am so sick of him! Way to go Bad Bunny! I don’t get reception for NBC and refuse to pay for Peacock – so no Olympics either.

https://youtu.be/G6FuWd4wNd8?si=ouzbTCWxbwvhz_BK – half time show

The subject of my blog is poking fun at myself as I have become such a serious person. I used to have a sense of humor! Every day now there is something going on in the world that ticks me off. There just doesn’t seem to be an end in sight! We are expected to wait out 3 more years of this nightmare fuel?! So the challenge is to not let the headlines get to me without putting my head in the sand and pretend that these goings on are normal. I want to reclaim my middle name – Joy!

This Friday I will be another year older with my cousin Tony. We are going out to eat at a restaurant in Star my Aunt and I stumbled across a couple years ago. It was the Rustic Table and is now The Rare Steakhouse. I’ll celebrate with joy that I even have loved ones to share the day with! I am going to pray that Jesus, through my loved ones, friends and Link, will soften my heart.

Dear Jesus please soften my heart in these trying times. Help me reclaim my inner child. I ask you to put your loving arms around all those who are sick, hungry, in the healing process, those without shelter to include animals. Please shine your love and mercy through each of us that we would be worthy vessels of your will here on earth. Please be with all the leaders of this world – give them wisdom! Amen.

6 Feb 2026 Getting Honest With Yourself

Hello to you. I’m not tired yet so figured I would write to you. In the hours before sleep seems to be a time I get clarity enough to gather my thoughts. I tried to watch the opening ceremony for the Olympics but don’t get channel 7 (NBC) and don’t feel like signing up for Peacock. From the snippets I saw it looked like Italy did a great job with it.

My thoughts tonight turn to the feeling I get inside when I am honest with myself. For example during my recent doctors visit I was honest with her about my lifestyle choices – may be spending too much time on social media. May be not being as active as I could be because of the ear condition I have. She recommended trying to limit my time on social media and trying to walk more each day. What I wasn’t open to her about was my addiction to Grub Hub and how easy it is to order food that isn’t healthy for me. I am vowing to myself that the last time I ordered food is my last time caving in to the convenience. I get hungry late in the day and rather than making my own food I will order a pizza from Papa John’s. In my garbage right now is like 5 empty boxes from weekly orders! Pizza is no help for my weight issue nor my cholesterol levels. The two medicines I’m taking – Depakote and Olanzapine are notorious for weight gain. I never feel full or satisfied. The next time I see my doctor I will have a clear conscience as I am vowing to kick the habit! I have a month before I see her again. I am hoping the scale will budge in the right direction and to save some money too. Grub Hub doesn’t come cheap! After delivery fees, tax and tips each order is over $30!

Dear Jesus please continue to surround my cousin Heidi and my Uncles John and Bill with your healing love. Please be with my friend Jeannie who keeps getting sick. Please be with her brother-in-law Roy who seems to be making preparations to go home to you. Please be with all the vulnerable to include animals in the extreme cold – let there be shelter, food, clothing and warmth. Please be with all people and animals healing from sickness and ailments of any kind. Please be with my Pastors daughter Harper. Please be with the leaders at all levels of government throughout the earth. Thank you Lord. Amen.

Romans 15:13New International Version

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peaceas you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit

1 Feb 2026 Yamila

Hello to you. I’m having trouble falling asleep. I have been thinking of someone I met during one of my early hospital stays in Texas. We met in a unique way. As soon as I saw her I asked her if we had met before and she replied “may be in another lifetime.” We only had a short time together. There was something about how we interacted that was so familiar. Her gestures towards me and the way she walked and talked that reminded me of the first woman I supervised when I was in the military named Eveline Ravenstein. Eveline was Dutch and a very affectionate person. Yamila and I came up with a list of ways to recognize someone from a previous lifetime: 1) gestures 2) appearance – physical features 3) walk 4) voice 5) smell these were the main ones. It’s been so long ago! She was a stripper and that’s about all I remember her telling me about herself. When you meet people in the system you don’t really have any way to stay in touch. I have never met someone like her and I often think of her. I think it’s because I miss Eveline and being with Yamila kindled those feelings.

I know as a Christian there isn’t the concept of reincarnation but this was on my mind tonight! There is such a thing as doppelgängers and I think that’s what happened with Yamila as I don’t think Eveline is dead.

During one of my recent hospital stays here in Idaho I met someone who was on staff that spoke almost exactly like a guy I had a crush on in high school who I later found out had died of cancer. When I was in the hospital and out I had the ability to see how people reminded me of other people like the list Yamila and I came up with. I even went so far as to see animal features in people! My ex kind of got annoyed with me as I was always saying to people how they were like other people!

Dear Jesus please guide the surgeon who will be operating on my sweet cousin Heidi tomorrow. I pray for Yamila wherever she is that she is well. I pray for this world and all the lives within it – let there be peace, love and joy. Amen.

30 Jan 2026 Emma Hugs

Hello to you. I am writing from the Sunrise Cafe. I walked over as I couldn’t stand my own company any longer. My ear condition is real bad today too. I got what I needed even before my meal – a big hug from Emma the manager! She is such a joy! Sometimes that’s all we need is a big hug and a warm hello and Emma does just that. When I left I thanked her for the hug and she thanked me back! She needed the hug too that’s why she did it.

Their slogan is so true! I feel like family when I go here.

When you live alone like I do physical contact is rare. I cherish every hug I get! I’m grateful for Link but he can only do so much.

Dear Jesus thank you for Emma and the staff at the Sunrise. Thank you for them being your body that comforts people like me in the world. I pray for all those in the parts of the country experiencing extreme cold – may there be warmth, food, clothing and shelter. I pray the same for any homeless and wild animals. I pray for any and all regions of this country and world experiencing unrest. Lastly I pray for my cousin Heidi and all who love her as she will be having surgery on her brain Monday. Guide her surgeon and staff and grant her a speedy and complete recovery. Amen.

John 15:1-8New International Version

The Vine and the Branches

15 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.