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9 November 2021 Company

November 10, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Home, Mental Health, photography, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. It’s 6:42 pm in my world and it’s already dark ! I wasn’t going to write to you again today but here I am. Thank you for being some company for me! I don’t know if it’s like this for you, but when I write it’s like visiting with a friend. It helps me feel less lonely.

“My only friend what have I left undone? What path have I left untread under a fading sun. Who have I wronged and left outcast..this life or those of my past. Oh Lord why do I feel incomplete? My head heart and hands disconnected from my feet. I pray you will leave me bread crumbs made of stars….lead me, guide me, make me whole again even with all these scars. Let your light shine in my darkness….my alone. Return my innermost to what I have known. Complete your work in me no stone left unturned. Let me be a beacon of all that you have learned. No more days of feeling abandoned and cast out. Show me Lord what this has all been about.”

Do you ever feel that feeling? What is this all for? Everything you have been through was it random or some elaborate strategy game for God(s) to play? Are we just playthings of chance? I want to believe there is a grand design to all of this. I don’t want to believe it’s just some abandoned divine chemistry experiment.

Hopefully something here resonates. I think all of us travelers get weary sometimes. Some days make perfect nonsense….WHY?!!!! There usually will be an answer but it seems like sometimes we are never going to truly know. May be it’s just too much more than we can handle. Like the Jack Nicholson quote from the movie A Few Good Men “You can’t handle the truth!!!! “

I will close for now. Thank you for your company ! I’d love to hear from you on what I’ve discussed here if you have the time .

8 November 2021 Freezing

November 8, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, Mental Health, Nature, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good day to you in your where and when! How are you? Im doing ok. Woke up to freezing temperatures this morning. I had to go out and put the styrofoam thingy on my outside water spigot. The hose I have out there is frozen stiff. Boy am I not ready for this! Nature doesn’t really care though lol!

I had a long dream last night. It was about people preparing to evacuate, some at the last minute, from a planned nuclear bomb detonation. Why would I dream about such a thing?! I guess between stuff I watched and something that happened in my past my mind made a movie.

When I was living in Alvarado I was always afraid the place was going to blow up. The place was surrounded by gas lines. One time I even made my ex round up the animals and go to my friends house because I had a vision the place was going to blow up. Of course it didn’t but I was convinced it was going to. A year or so later I was walking home from the store and noticed there was a gas leak and reported it. I wonder if I had ignored it if something bad would have happened. I’m not a fan of natural gas! It burns clean but is dirty as hell to get it. It takes between 4 to 10 million gallons of water to frack a gas well. Once that water is used you can’t reuse it for drinking water.

I want to take a moment to thank you readers for coming to visit me here! It means a lot to me that you take time out of your busy lives for me.

“ Change of seasons round and round they spin. One winter frosts and another summer begins. In the midst of it all I stand quite still. This glowing blue ember doing what it will. So resilient and strong…so patient as we attempt to right every wrong. Everywhere are eyes above and below….watching and waiting. Soon there will be snow.”

5 November 2021 Having Your Own Home

November 5, 2021 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Home, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good day to you. How are you? What’s going on in your world? I am sipping on some coffee and just grateful to have gotten some sleep last night. I covered up my digital clock and didn’t listen to my normal Jason Stephenson recordings on my cell phone. I think the light from the cell phone might disrupt my sleep.

This morning I am sitting in my own home and feeling grateful. It’s been almost a year since I moved in. With the way things are going around here and the rest of the country with regards to housing, I’m really blessed. I could be in a rental situation and that means insecurity for a lot of people.

“I love the house where you live O Lord, the place where your glory dwells. “ psalm 26:8

This morning I’m trying to stay in the heart space of gratitude. What will this house be for me this coming year? This past year it has felt like a safe refuge. A place for me to heal. As I am healing I am wondering what is next for this house….for me. A home has a heart and mine is still fractured. When you look around my house you can see so many pieces of my past life. I want this house to be more than a storage unit of my past.

What makes a house a home to you?

3 November 2021 Apple

November 3, 2021 by saymber, posted in history, Home, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi! How are you in your today? I’m doing alright. I am looking at my little drum and wishing I had someone to play it with! On the 13th I’ve scheduled a Meetup event at 6 pm . Even if one person signs up that would be nice ! (Connect Middleton Idaho)

“Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings” psalm 17:8

The Bible has some beautiful passages in it. I chose this one thinking of my Grandma Irene Schmidt today. I can remember her and I playing cards one time and her telling me I was the apple of her eye. It made me feel so special to be loved like that! My Grandma loved God so much and shared that love with me. This morning I’m remembering her flowers. She had the most beautiful roses. I’m thinking of the white Kennedy roses in particular. They were huge and smelled so good! Whenever I see or smell a rose I think of my Grandma.

I don’t have a picture of Grandmas flowers handy but this link will show you what the rose looked like:

https://gardencenterpoint.com/kennedy-rose/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw5oiMBhDtARIsAJi0qk0Ui7pk2D6Be-PKSOOD23QR4UjCDpuT33MH_q6xQipk3IA_TllmwoQaAnceEALw_wcB

1 November 2021 Conditional Love

November 1, 2021 by saymber, posted in Home, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. I am home from an appointment with my therapist. Some really profound things came up. I had to write about it and hope may be something will resonate with you.

The first thing that came forth was when I was talking about my ex and how I was holding on to our past. How I felt like my holding on to our past was keeping me from moving forward . How I felt holding on to my past was a visceral thing I could actually feel in my head. Like an invisible force holding me back. Well my therapist said something pretty profound. She said “his love for you was conditional.” I felt that so deeply! I immediately felt a warmth in my chest. I thought of Jesus and unconditional love. How I had expected a human being to love me like Jesus and he just couldn’t. Lots of tears processing that! It was a truth I hadn’t considered.

The second thing was I have this huge circle of memories he and I shared and so many of them are good! Powerful! I am so afraid that if I go forward and make new memories that I will leave that past I love behind. I don’t want to let go. My therapist was like “ your holding on to nothing.” He went out of his way to get me a hard copy of the divorce decree. There is literally nothing to go back to! I have to move forward whether I want to or not. Again, more tears! When you talk things out it can bring forth really intense emotions. In case you didn’t already know for yourself, being divorced sucks!

I’m glad I drove to the office day!

30 October 2021 Somebody

October 30, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, drawing, Home, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. How are you? This is my second go around trying to write to you! I tried to talk to God today on the morning walk and there was nothing. I guess I was distracted by the trees in various stages of undress or the squirrel running across the road. It wasn’t until I got home and opened my Bible was there something:

Jesus answered him, “it is also written : Do not put the Lord your God to the test.” Matthew 4:7

What does it mean to test God? Is it kind of like asking a lion to jump through a hoop of fire? Asking God to do parlor tricks ? Praying prayers from a place of demanding something versus asking? In my world right now I am asking God to help me heal from the divorce. Asking not demanding. Sometimes memories of my past with him will cascade across my entire being. There is no comfort when that happens except God. Only an intangible can fit into an intangible. No testing here just seeking comfort.

“In all of this something there is someone God has made just for me. Right now without a name or specific form….just somebody “

I’ve been trying online dating and like my cousin and I were talking about online stuff is so much different now. Back in the early 2000’s when I met my ex it was a lot different… safer. Now there are so many scammers. I’ve encountered a few and they want your money not you. I find myself wanting to meet my new somebody in a natural way. Is that Gods plan?

29 October 2021 Beautiful Day

October 29, 2021 by saymber, posted in animals, Art and Poetry, Home, Nature, photography, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. I’m sitting outside enjoying the sunshine.

The neighbors tree is almost done shedding it’s leaves. Link is watching for the squirrel!

“Fall leaves scrape and scuttle in the breeze, twisting and turning landing where they please.”

It’s a beautiful day. I am trying to enjoy this weather while it lasts! I hope in your where and when that you get some time to enjoy your day.

28 October 2021 Breaking Through

October 28, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, drawing, Home, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you . How are you today? It’s a sunny start to the day. It feels so nice! I am doing ok today. I’m thinking about Halloween. I bought a couple small bags of Snickers to pass out and am thinking about wearing my steampunk hat and goggles! I am having to break through my grief. Halloween was our favorite holiday.

Who am now? So much of my identity was plural! It was Kyle and Jackie not just Jackie. I am having to find out who I am now. Yesterday I deleted my Tinder (dating app) account because I realized I have no business being there. Like I talked about in my previous blog. I am walking around carrying a bag full of holes!

“Gradually, carefully God unravels the mystery that is a life. Be it mother, sister, friend or wife. Previously curtained paths do a slight reveal. A joy is found that no one can steal.”

27 October 2021 Bag

October 28, 2021 by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. It’s evening as I write to you . Have you ever felt like some unseen force was pulling you down? Keeping you stuck in place when you want to move forward? I feel that feeling nearly everyday. Well lately I have been saying this , “God I have to find a way to live this life!”

A long time ago ,during my first marriage we went to a marriage counselor. He was a priest. He gave me an analogy of what my relationship with my husband was. He said it was two people who each have a bag to bring to the relationship . One persons bag was full and the other was empty with a big hole in it. The person with the full bag kept trying to fill the bag with a hole in it and finally had nothing left to share. Both bags were empty. The relationship could not continue like that.

Sitting here writing this, twice divorced now I have a near empty bag riddled with holes. This past year really tore my bag up! It takes time and a lot of thread to make such major repairs! A part of me is so lonely. I get so bored and want the company of someone nice but I know I’m not ready yet. I’m still sewing patches on my bag. My spirit is an ember when it used to be a flame. I am wanting God to bring somebody into my life when I’m ready. When my bag is full again!

“ I’m going to break these chains that bind me. I’m going to set all my tears to sea. God is watching and waiting. God is ready and anticipating. Say my name. Let the ember be a flame. “ – Jackie

27 October 2021 Wednesday

October 27, 2021 by saymber, posted in animals, drawing, Home, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello . How are you? It’s an overcast day. The sun is playing peek-a-boo with roaming clouds. Link is here. I am so grateful for him and his company !

“Where are you twin star in all this cosmic dust?”

For some reason I’m having trouble writing today. My life is in a sort of stasis right now. Everything is in place but isn’t moving. I feel like God is testing my resolve! I am having to be patient!

“I have to remember there are many pieces to move for a single moment! “