Category: Health

21 December 2021 Feeling Like A Scrambled Egg

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello….how are you? Hopefully this finds you doing well. I wish I could say everything is ok with me but I’m feeling a little scrambled eggs today. It will pass it always does.

Like my therapist and I talked about yesterday, I’m just not comfortable in my own skin. She shared with me about eneagrams, personality types and played this song for me: https://youth.be/-sO2UMoOaFQ – Sleeping At Last. It’s a song for type 1 personalities and if you cry while listening to it, chances are that’s your personality type. I cried. What came to me at first when I heard it is feeling like I wasn’t enough for my ex husband…..I miss him so much every day. What also came to me is I’m enough for God. With all my flaws and weaknesses….all the ways I have failed I know that no matter what God loves me. God has been there when I have been at my best….at my worst. What I told my therapist is I want God to have hands I can hold. A face I can touch. Arms to hold me. Sadly it just doesn’t work that way. The place I get to feel God is when we are close and my heart gets that glowing warmth. God is the very air we breathe….too big to be contained in a body!

I’m trying to snap myself out of “this” and get on with my day. May be some shirt painting will help ?! I’m wearing the shirt I did last night – pretty happy with it.

As always thank you reader for going on this journey with me!

2 December 2021 Good Morning

by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out this video Morning coffee with Jackie 2 December 2021 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1221968873

Good morning from here how are you? In the video today I’m talking about being an empath and the Quantum Touch healing modality. I am wearing the rainbow tye dye shirt I got from the Glen Rose dinosaur park…..one of my favorite memories with Kyle!

It’s a foggy overcast day….. no plans. Tomorrow my friend is planning on coming over and we are going to put a gingerbread house together while we visit! I haven’t done that since Kyle and I put a kit together with his brother.

“Gradually pieces of my past are part of my now. They all fit together I just don’t know how. ”

A power ballad of a psalm for today was 121: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+121&version=NIV&interface=amp

I’ll be back later. I wanted to tell you my process lately is to do the video and share it here first. I tried to write my post but it times out. So if you just see the Twitch link that’s why . Thanks for your understanding !

1 December 2021 Morning

by saymber, posted in animals, Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out Morning coffee with Jackie 1 December 2021 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1221118106

Good morning to you from here I hope this finds you well. How are you?

A lot going on in my drawing today. There is a plan unfolding I just have to keep taking the next steps! Metatron’s cube is large and in charge.

Not sure what the plan is for today. I managed to navigate my way through Ridleys this morning and got groceries. I miss having Kyle go and get them. He was such a great shopper. I picked up some Christmas cards so I could work on those we shall see!

“Everywhere I go I hope to see you. So many faces in new places. I look at each one and find only pieces of you.”

I had to do a couple takes on the video today. It’s all impromptu….hopefully if you can watch it there will be something for you. Sometimes it’s nice to have company.

30 November 2021 Evening

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging
Evening here in Middleton ID

Hi there! How are you? It’s 6:23 pm here as I write to you. It’s dark and Link and I are cuddling on the couch. I’m watching streams on Twitch – Infoxczar is a magic channel pretty cool. I don’t do magic on my channel May be I should learn lol! It’s fun to see live entertainment….Jack is fun.

Today my Aunt talked to me about her friends daughter who is bipolar. She apparently is refusing medication and is paranoid as hell. Her parents are living in a 55 plus community and they have been letting her live with them . Neither she or them have anyplace to go if the property owner decided to evict them. Apparently the girl keeps calling the cops. Speaking as a bipolar, what this family is going through is so tough! One of the hardest aspects of loving someone with this condition is keeping them on their medications.

Just found out my cousins daughter is going in for an emergency hysterectomy tomorrow ! I can remember getting mine and it took some time to heal. I was stupid. Your not supposed to do any heavy lifting and my ex and I tried carrying a small couch home from a furniture store up the street from where we were living. I pray everything goes well for her. She has diabetes so there is that to consider with the surgery.

The friend I just reconnected with recently lost her mom to Alzheimer’s and dementia in October. She’s really struggling with it while being a wonderful mom, wife and student. The holidays will be rough for her. She is strong in her faith in God and that is helping her walk through her grief.

People have stuff going on!! It seems like as soon as one hurdle is put in front of us another equal or more challenging hurdle is put in its place! I’m kind of in the in between place right now. I had a lot of “stuff” happen all within a short period of time. Love conquers the deepest darkness. I am so grateful to love and be loved. The fall I took could have been so much harder.

If you pray could you pray for the people I have mentioned here? For privacy reasons I don’t want to put their names here. I hope everything goes ok for all of them !

Thank you for spending some time with me here.

29 November 2021 Good Morning

by saymber, posted in animals, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Check out this video Morning coffee with Jackie 29 November 2021 https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1219285881

Hi there. This morning I had the privilege of chatting with an old friend and it just made my whole day! She is the only friend I still have from my military days. I’m so blessed to have her!

I was chatting to myself and she popped up. I have a follower!! It was so exciting to see that this morning! I was starting to question myself!

In awhile I have my therapist appointment and I’m looking forward to that. Lots to talk about! I AM HOME…..yes! My friend reiterated that message too. Be at home in your own skin before you bring somebody else into your life. I’m sure God has a plan in all the little pieces that are floating about me right now….fragments of time.

I hope this finds you well today. What are you grateful for? I’m grateful to have been able to reconnect with my friend. I’m grateful for my new friend and my family…my sweet Link. I’m grateful for me still getting to be on this plane of existence. Even if you are really having trouble I hope you can find something to be grateful for!

Drawing for today:

This is my drawing processing my healing session yesterday .

28 November 2021 After Pranic Healing – I Am Home

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. It’s Sunday afternoon and I am just home after having my first ever Pranic Healing session with my friend Lisa. A lot of powerful stuff happened during the session. She was able to work with my guardian Angel or spirit guide Deegan. He had a lot to say! There were messages about moving on with my life….. no more wallowing. He gave an example of bowling and right now we are throwing gutter balls! We need to start knocking over some pins! The most powerful message was about self love and making myself home.

I am always projecting out what it means to be home. When our dog Sam died I lost a home – I grieved Sam for 3 plus years! When sweet Amber and May died I really lost home as they had been with me for so many years! Then when Kyle and Spot left I lost home big time! I was shell shocked and lost. That’s what happens when you project what it means to be home on to others. Today I think I understand the saying “Home is where the heart is” better. Home starts with your heart…..you! I will have to pray about that and see how God helps me “be enough!…to be at home in this body.

I’m deeply grateful for the time and the experience I had today. I’m proud of myself for driving to her house!! We did it!!! May be something of this experience will resonate with you.

If your looking for unique and special gifts check out Lisa’s online store. She makes everything herself! She is also a life coach and does Reiki. Multi-talented really special lady.

https://www.positivelymagickal.com/

21 November 2021 Infantile

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello . Ugh!! I wasn’t going to write again today. I have been having a rough day on my own. The best way to describe what I’m experiencing is imagine an infant wrapped up in a blanket in a crib screaming. You try feeding the infant and that quiets the child for a few minutes. You put the baby back in the crib. They start screaming again. You give them some milk….same thing more screaming. You try singing, reading, rocking, dangling their favorite toy in front of their face….. nothing but more screaming. Finally you pick up the child and hold them and speak softly in soothing tones….at last there is peace.

There is a part of me way deep inside that is the infant I described. Even after 53 years I still can’t completely soothe “Baby Jackie!” It is so tiresome trying to parent an infant trapped inside my own body! I just can’t seem to please her and if I do it isn’t for long. “We” are chronically lonely.

When my Mom took her own life, it feels like she took a part of me with her. I was too young to know her but there must be a part of me that did. A part of me that just can’t seem to find lasting comfort with life in this world without her. I try! I really try but it’s on days like today that remind me I have to keep at it! When you are a mother to your own soul your work is never done.

Sigh…..I hope something here resonates. I’d love to hear from you and your story.

17 November 2021 Reason To Live (personal testimony)

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello! How are you? It’s 28 degrees this morning here in Middleton Idaho. I think winter is coming! Link and I said poo poo to a walk. We will wait til it’s a little warmer!

Galatians 5:22-23New International Version

22 But the fruit(A) of the Spirit is love,(B) joy, peace,(C) forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control.(D)Against such things there is no law.(E)

What is your reason to live? So many people I talk to struggle with that question. I struggle with that question. A couple of times I couldn’t stay in touch with my reason and I tried to take my life. One time a couple of years ago now I was almost successful. I had so many reasons to live but in my moments of despair I lost touch with them. Trying to kill myself was one of the most stupid and selfish things I’ve ever done! I hurt my husband and family so much!

I’m going to be honest. I was testing God with what I did. I took pills. As I waited for them to take effect I realized I was alone. There was no one coming to save me. No Kyle. No God. No Angel. Just me…..all there was was me. My survival instinct kicked in and I remembered my bulemia days and stuck my fingers down my throat forcing some of the pills up. Then something told me to go for a walk. To keep moving. I grabbed my purse and dragged myself around the block. I was barely able to walk. When I got home I laid down and just gasped for breath until the remaining pills wore off. I lived but when I told my husband he was so hurt! Why would I do such a thing!! I had always assured him I would never do such a thing after how my moms death affected all of us. I lied to him.

I’m not sharing my story for sympathy. I want to pass on my experience. My strength. My hope. I learned a valuable lesson through what happened…..don’t test God! If you are thinking about taking your life and don’t reach out you are going to be on your own. It’s almost as if God was saying “If that’s what you want to do I’m not going to stop you!” The further twist is how a negative in my life, bulemia, ended up saving me. Further proof that nothing we go through is for no reason.

I hope by sharing my testimony someone will be helped. I still believe there is a God. I’m still here for many reasons. I’m only just beginning to find out what some of them are. That’s what life is . That’s what gratitude is. There is always at least one thing…one reason.

Good Lady Gaga song that got me teary thinking about things this morning….million reasons : https://youtu.be/en2D_5TzXCA

8 November 2021 Freezing

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, Mental Health, Nature, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good day to you in your where and when! How are you? Im doing ok. Woke up to freezing temperatures this morning. I had to go out and put the styrofoam thingy on my outside water spigot. The hose I have out there is frozen stiff. Boy am I not ready for this! Nature doesn’t really care though lol!

I had a long dream last night. It was about people preparing to evacuate, some at the last minute, from a planned nuclear bomb detonation. Why would I dream about such a thing?! I guess between stuff I watched and something that happened in my past my mind made a movie.

When I was living in Alvarado I was always afraid the place was going to blow up. The place was surrounded by gas lines. One time I even made my ex round up the animals and go to my friends house because I had a vision the place was going to blow up. Of course it didn’t but I was convinced it was going to. A year or so later I was walking home from the store and noticed there was a gas leak and reported it. I wonder if I had ignored it if something bad would have happened. I’m not a fan of natural gas! It burns clean but is dirty as hell to get it. It takes between 4 to 10 million gallons of water to frack a gas well. Once that water is used you can’t reuse it for drinking water.

My Crystal and orgonite collection

I want to take a moment to thank you readers for coming to visit me here! It means a lot to me that you take time out of your busy lives for me.

“ Change of seasons round and round they spin. One winter frosts and another summer begins. In the midst of it all I stand quite still. This glowing blue ember doing what it will. So resilient and strong…so patient as we attempt to right every wrong. Everywhere are eyes above and below….watching and waiting. Soon there will be snow.”

21 October 2021 Labels

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello! How are you today? It’s another crisp fall day. Many of the trees in our neighborhood have lost their leaves. A few have resisted and are vibrant shades of red and gold yet. My sidekick Link is here beside me. I’m so grateful for him.

Labels. I have them.

I am 53 years old and have been a product of the mental health system since about 1991. My primary diagnosis, the primary label is that I’m bipolar. If you are unfamiliar with that term it’s basically having high highs and low lows and the battle is to keep things in the middle or balanced. The primary medication I take is lithium. I’ve tried a lot of other drugs but they didn’t work. The other part of my particular label is anxiety and I take zyprexa for that.

This condition has really fucked my life up.

Something that happens to a bipolar person is what’s called episodes. We can get manic or really high and there really isn’t any reasoning with us. For me I got it in my head that I didn’t want to be on medication anymore. The past couple of years I was manic (high) and refused to take medication and be admitted to a hospital. There was a terrible price to be paid for that- my family was torn apart. I ended up losing my husband, one of my dogs and my house. Something similar happened to my first marriage.

So the common theme of my episodes was the spirit world. This last time I thought I was channeling spirits. People like me are vulnerable to these sorts of things. I wonder if my faith had been stronger if that sort of thing would of happened . There are energy forces at work in all directions. I felt like I was a play thing of these energies. I would get extremely angry. For about two months I was channeling a Joker like energy. It was exhausting because such an energy could see every side to an argument – it just went on and on! During one of my earliest episodes I thought I was Jesus! I guess that sort of thing is common with people like me .

I have been medically retired from the Air Force since 16 Sept 2002. I have not had a job since then. I have done volunteer work but it almost always ended up in a manic situation.

I’m sharing this part of myself to may be help someone else who is either like me or has someone like this in their life and they don’t know what to do.

https://youtu.be/snI9ggCp5xE – Bipolar wars channel on you tube