24 September 2020 Who is God

Hello to you, how are you doing today?  I hope this finds you doing well in your here and now as you visit me here.

I was trying to think of what to write today and a conversation I just had on healthfulchats.com helped me.  A long while ago I had written a paper about my theory that the first great beings were trees and everything came after that.  I had it posted here but have long since deleted it, In Beginning was Symbiosis. Some of the oldest life forms on the planet are trees and a few of them are still around https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_oldest_trees.  Well thinking about that subject made me think about God and who God is.

People often ask me if I believe in God and I say yes. The natural tendency after that is to want to talk about the bible.  Then if I have chosen Jesus as my personal savior and to that that I always say Jesus is the best part of the book.  Who’s flesh and blood was sacrificed in those early years so that early Bible’s might exist?  Trees, animals and plants.

What I believe is the Earth is God and everything and everyone alive on top is an extension of God.  For every right there is a left aka cause and affect.  There is only good and evil depending on who is perceiving things.  People make things good and evil.   An example I used today about this was the dandelion.  To at least 5 or 6 species of insect the dandelion is a food source.  I witnessed this myself in my backyard.  So to much of creation the dandelion is food but to some people and a bunch of weed fertilizer companies, the dandelion is just a weed.  Who taught them it was just a weed?

Just like with most everything in existence, dandelions were created for a reason and have a reason for existence.  To me they are a flower with antioxident properties. A little info I found about dandelions there are tons of websites:  https://jhiblog.org/2020/05/20/a-dandelion-story-from-medieval-herbals-to-wholefoods/

Who is God” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this is pretty interesting – 1 and two zero’s)

dandelion” in the English Ordinal system equals 78

18 September 2020 Ashen skies

Hello how are you? As I write this morning I look outside and the sky is gray.  You might think it was going to rain but it’s just ash from the nearby fires.  It leaves a light dusting on everything and they even up the air quality alert to red; unhealthy!

I wasn’t sure what to write about today but I wanted to write.  This week has been pretty productive the house sale is done which was another big milestone.  Now comes trying to find a new place to live and it’s not looking like it will be easy.  There is a boom in the housing market in this area  (from what I hear it’s everywhere) .  I am considered low income so I might qualify for low income housing but there is a long waiting list.  I am blessed to have family familiar with real estate and they are helping me navigate this next part of my journey.  Now isn’t a buyers market at least if you are someone like me.

I don’t know if it’s the weather right now or what but I feel heavy and anxious.  Hopefully the skies will clear and I will be able to get back outside some.  We have been praying for the firefighters.

ashen skies” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one one person, place or object 110=purpose)

housing boom” in the English Ordinal system equals 138 (one yes, no, may be in eternity and or racetrack of life, 38=balance, death) if you add 1+3+8 = 12/3 cycle

16 September 2020 Being Realistic

Hello there, how are you today?  I’m writing to you while I am cuddling with Link where we are all warm and fuzzy.  It was in the 40’s again this morning!  I didn’t wear a jacket but I certainly could have.  The skies are still ashen gray with all the fires surrounding the state.

This morning my Aunt and I were talking about some things and the phrase being realistic stuck with me.  I used to be, especially when I’m manic, like to live in a fantasy world and start connecting dots that don’t belong together.  Part of the connecting the dots is my living in a nonsensical world and trying to make sense of it!  I can take seemingly random pieces of my life and piece them together and they make sense—to me.

The other part of being realistic has to do with relationships.  I am wanting to meet someone and fill the void that was created by the end of my marriage.  I have to keep in mind that realistically no one is going to be able to do that.  So I am having to accept that it may be awhile until I find someone compatible comes along; they have huge shoes to fill.

I was married to a man who was able to be home a lot and keep me company.   We believed that it was more important to be together than to make a lot of money.  We were rarely apart. With the separation and divorce I had to go from that to the life I’m living now; it has been rough.  Realistically, whomever I am with has to be able to work and I have to be able to be independent.  For some reason I lost my independence in my relationship with my husband.  I am starting to think it goes all the way back to my early retirement from the military and subsequent divorce.  I jumped right into my relationship with my current husband without taking time to heal.  Now I am having to process aspects of both failed marriages at once.  I lost my self confidence and self esteem having my career and marriage fall apart like it did.  Now, with this current failed marriage, my self esteem has been completely shattered.

being realistic” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (ironically a 13 in here) one yes, no, may be yes,no, may be existence. the=33)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one existence. body =46)

one four six” in the English Ordinal system equals 146

divorce” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (my maiden name matches this number !)

shattered” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this number looks like a person, place or object destroyed)

self esteem” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 (one person, place, thing and “no” existence)

failed marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( I thought it curious this number matches self esteem)

Let go and let God” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

I am having to do a lot of letting go and letting God these days!

12 September 2020 Today

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I hope from whenever and wherever  you are you are having a good today,

I had a couple of interesting dreams last night.  One of them was of seeing Princess Diana in a wedding veil and telling her she could stay, whatever that meant.  The other dream had to do with former President Ronald Reagan and getting car keys from him but instead of getting a car there were beds with numbers on them.

Today is my cousins’ sons wedding and we are having an orange level air quality day. I hope it clears up for them.  The sky is gray, like clouds are in the sky, but it smells like burning! I made my final decision about whether I was going to the wedding or not and I have decided not to go.  I just want the day to be about them and their happiness.  I can’t stop thinking about my own stuff and how I feel about it.   In my minds eye,  I keep seeing myself in black dress looking like I did when I married my ex but alone.  I miss my ex-husband very much and am having trouble moving on without him.  When I think about things I feel like I am being pulled apart   !

today” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one for all the 5 senses)

(“white” in the English Ordinal system equals 65)

one two September two zero two zero ” in the English Ordinal system equals 439 (left side of brain yes, no, may be, no existence” and ironically my name 39 is in here)

these values above made me think of yin and yang :

Yin and Yang

Yin and Yang
In Ancient Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (/jɪn/ and; Chinese: 陰陽 yīnyáng, lit. “dark-bright”, “negative-positive”) is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. In Chinese cosmology, the universe creates itself out of a primary chaos of material energy, organized into the cycles of Yin and Yang and formed into objects and lives. Yin is the receptive and Yang the active principle, seen in all forms of change and difference such as the annual cycle (winter and summer), the landscape (north-facing shade and south-facing brightness), sexual coupling (female and male), the formation of both women and men as characters and sociopolitical history (disorder and order).

 

9 September 2020 Getting to the core

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I am having another day without having a Coca Cola as part of my routine and I can tell.  Is this why I’m having another day of feeling “off?”   I have to be my own personal Sherlock Holmes it seems when trying to figure out why one day isn’t like another.   Why one day I will feel like I can handle just about anything and others where a leaf landing on my head could tip me over!

I’ve been talking with people who are like me.  A lot of what we do is this super-sleuthing, digging through what can be construed as a shit pile of a life for core reasons for what is happening.  I can’t dig too much and or ruminate without becoming practically paralyzed by what surfaces.  For example our family is about to experience a wedding and I have decided not to go because I know it’s a trigger.

This upcoming wedding triggers thoughts of my own wedding and I keep seeing flashes of our wedding pictures in my minds-eye.   I keep seeing my ex and how handsome and sweet he was…how happy we were.  I know that my wedding and the  subsequent failure of our marriage is at the core of why I’m having trouble with my cousins’ son getting married.  A pessimistic self has emerged that asks questions like why even bother with marriage.

So what I have excavated is a trigger to my core and I don’t want it to ruin me or taint anyone around me.

trigger” in the English Ordinal system equals 84 (ironically my ex was born in 1984)

core” in the English Ordinal system equals 41

money” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

8 September 2020 Ruminating

Hello to you, how are you?  I am in my room, door closed, still trying to soothe my raw nerves.  A friend of mine suggested my topic for today be ruminating. ‘

ruminate
[ˈro͞oməˌnāt]

VERB
ruminating (present participle)
  1. think deeply about something.
    “we sat ruminating on the nature of existence”
    synonyms:
    think about · contemplate · consider · give thought to · give consideration to ·

    [

ruminating” in the English Ordinal system equals 126

sleep” in the English Ordinal system equals 57

caffeine” in the English Ordinal system equals 49

sugar” in the English Ordinal system equals 66

 

I have found ruminating too much to be hazardous.  So when there is “too many mind” I try to think of something else.  Problem is if you don’t consciously direct where your thoughts go,  the mind will choose a path of it’s own.  Where your thoughts go there goes the body too (something I learned from Joyce Meyers a long time ago).

Some of the medication I take is to help alleviate anxiety and ironically it makes me sleepy.  This leaves my mind free to torment me with flashbacks like my wedding and songs that evoke a negative physical reaction.   My cousins son is getting married in a few days and what I’m going through makes it difficult to be happy for them.  I keep having to remind my mind that the wedding isn’t about me it’s about them.   My feelings are so strong I have decided not to attend the wedding.  I am afraid I would want to get up and leave during the middle of the ceremony.

I am sincerely hoping and praying at some point I will be able to be comfortable in my own skin again.   I want to be able to remember the good stuff about my life without it being run over by the sad.

 

 

 

3 September 2020 What I used to do and mindfulness

Hello there how are you?  Hopefully good as you visit me here.  Thank you in advance for taking the time to come by and read.  I am settling down after a nice walk and talk with my therapist  .

So the topic that came to mind today was thinking about what I used to do that made me happy and or occupied my time.  There were a whole bunch of things like doing chalk drawings outside, writing, drawing and making copper wire jewelry and or wire trees.  Sometimes there was crocheting and or knitting.  Sometimes there was singing and dancing.  Sometimes there was watching videos on Youtube and or binge watching shows on Netflix. Only a handful of these activities have felt remotely “right” to do in this new life I am living in.   A lot of the reason I have stopped doing things is for fear they would trigger another manic episode.

2 Sept 2020 wire tree pendant

My counselor and I talked today and one of the subjects we touched on was mindfulness.  I told her I often struggle with being able to stay in the moment.  She gave an example of the difference.  It was being on a walk and seeing a tree and being able to describe the tree with specific details instead of just saying “there is a tree.”

I miss my trees back in Alvarado.   I haven’t really gotten to know the tree here in the same way I did there. I wish I had taken some seeds from the oak tree, Yolie, in the front yard,

mindfulness” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 (one yes, no may be all vices in check but one 36= child)

one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side brain light and shadow self process 42=self)

one four two ” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all senses light and shadow self process)

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes no may be right side of the brain 134=information)

one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses person place and or object 150=communication )

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side of the brain person, place and or object 40=food)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or race track of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self all senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (pattern repeats)

 

,,

1 September 2020 Changing how you think

Hello there, how are you?  It’s a new day and another day of getting through this life differently than I did before.  This, for me, oftentimes means changing how I think.  Instead of awfulizing things, I am having to look at things in a more positive light.

What do I want to feel?  What do I want to think?  What would make me happy to think about?   Sometimes it feels almost like a reflex to think negatively and when I do,  I break out into a cold sweat and get a chill through my whole body.  I am taking anti-anxiety medications but they don’t always help me.

I don’t want to forget the past, but when I remember it, I want to be able to reflect on it without cold sweats.  I want to be able to listen to music, watch television and or movies without such a visceral reaction and connection to the past.  The past twelve plus  had some of the happiest and saddest memories of my life .  I don’t want to act like they just didn’t happen. I also don’t want them to paralyze me either ! There has to be a way to coexist with the past and present memories so I have a future.  The only way I see to do that is to change how I think.

Let’s see what it looks like in the numbers:

changing how you think” in the English Ordinal system equals 232 (light and shadow self yes, no, may be, light and shadow self process)

two three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 172 (one all vices in check light and shadow self process – 72 also =world and money)

one seven two” in the English Ordinal system equals 157  (one all senses all vices in check 57 = human)

one five seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left side of the brain one process 41 =  garbage)

one four one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow of self eternity and or racetrack existence 28=man)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 *pattern with 141 and 128

 

 

26 August 2020 Medication and Development

Hello to you today.  How are you? I sincerely hope wherever and whenever you are visiting life is treating you well.

As for me…well….I wish I could say I am doing great! Fantastic! I am all better!  Such is not the case every morning.  Ever since I left the hospital 27 April of this year I have been changed.  I am trying to move forward and move on with so may things.  I would never of imagined then that I would be in my Aunts house writing this now.

My medication is a big part of what is going on for me.  Some times it feels like it isn’t working at all and other days I can’t imagine being without it!  Being bipolar affects me on so many levels.  Some days, some moments I feel like I could handle just about anything and then just one minor blip and nope can’t handle anything.  I find myself grasping about for someone….anyone to talk to so I can work through what I am feeling.

Looking at medication as a number and patterns it’s pretty interesting how accurate it is at describing the process:

medication” in the English Ordinal system equals 93 (ironically my short name in the numbers, Jackie = 39! no yes, no, may be process)

nine three” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no in eternity and or racetrack of life)

nine eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (no for one also this number is spirit)

nine one” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (all vices in check and all vices in check but one and it’s my maiden name!)

seven six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 ( two separate ones of self all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one in a yes, no may be and yes, no may be process)

one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one right side of the brain all vices in check but one)

Thinking of development and change. Something I have noticed since moving here to Idaho is growth.  A lot of farmers seem to be selling their land to housing developers.  I am just going to look at the phrase housing development:

housing development” in the English Ordinal system equals 224 (light and shadow self process of self with light and shadow process of self with right side of the brain)

two two four” in the English Ordinal system equals 176 (one all vices in check with all vices in the check but one)

one seven six” in the English Ordinal system equals 151 (one all senses of one)

one five one” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one in one with object)

one one zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one left side brain in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 (one left side brain in yes, no may be process)

one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses and object)

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side brain and object)

one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one in light and shadow of self all senses)

one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be with right side of brain)

 

farming ” in the English Ordinal system equals 68  (all vices in check but one in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68)

six eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 101 (one object in the center one )

one zero one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 132  (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

 

farm” in the English Ordinal system equals 38 (yes, no may be in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(“balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38)

 

world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72 (all vices in check with the light and shadow of self process )

(“money ” in the English Ordinal system equals 72)

 

(pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth,  – these are the vices I am thinking of )

 

 

 

 

 

5 Feb 2020 Tangible or Intangible experiences

Where will my feet be taking me next?

Hello to you.  It’s a gray and cold afternoon as I write.  Hope this finds you doing well in your where and when as you visit me here.

I was trying to think of something to write about and the subject of tangible and intangible experiences came to my mind.  It’s one thing to imagine the things you would like to do in life but quite another to actually do them.  I’m at a cross roads point in my life right now.  There is a part of me that longs for an adventure and part of me that is hesitant to even step my feet too far out of my own neighborhood!  Can you relate?

I ran these numbers in the gematria calculator with interesting results:

https://www.ridingthebeast.com/gematria-calculator/

(Remember the word values I’ve listed aren’t the only ones that exist.  I encourage you to explore this for yourself and see what shows up for you personally)

Tangible or Intangible Experiences = 319 132/148/143/150/140/158/125/134/150/140…..(pattern repeats)

(ironically my name, Jackie = 39 and life = 32) (148 – human emotion) (some 143’s-resourceful, contentment, rehabilitation)(some 150’s – understanding, communication, divine planning, positive image) (some 140’s – interesting, observation) food-40) (some 158’s – quality of life, being yourself) feeling-58)

(some 125’s – courageous, surprise, solution, spiritual) all-25) (some 134’s – intellectual, information, combinations, responsible) one-34)

Tangible = 70 129/134/150/140/158/125/134/150….(pattern repeats)

(some 70’s – effort, tasks, seeking affordable)(some 129’s – experiment, experiencing, stimulant)

Intangible = 93 98/91/76/117/133/146

(some 93’s – management, growing, outside, internal, trying, physical, writer)  (together – 98, spirit-91, value for my last name/humans-76) (some 117’s -humility, upbringing, occupation) (some 118’s – conscious, true love, wonderful, concentrate, attention)(some 133’s – community, intentional, system life, property) and (some 146’s – brain function, peace for the brain).