25 May 2022 Mom

Hello to you today. How are you doing? I’m sitting here after a nice phone call with my Uncle and thinking about my birth mom. Today would have been her 80th birthday.

Drawing I did of my Mom several years ago

My mom Jeanne died by her own hand when she was just 26 years old. She suffered from depression and used a firearm. In the wake of what happened yesterday in Uvalde Texas, Brooklyn New York, Laguna California, Lowellville Ohio and just down the street from me here in Middleton Idaho…and places I haven’t heard about I am feeling discouraged about our country. After all this time my mom has been gone things aren’t much better in regards to mental and spiritual health in this country – it seems worse. This stuff keeps happening. People with some sort of problem be it physical, emotional, spiritual or economical either turning it on themselves or turning it on the world they live in and using a weapon to do it. After all the times we have been through the trauma of gun violence as a country….a world….still it goes on. Is God too slow to answer or are we too slow to hear and act?

People say if it wasn’t guns these people would use something else. Sadly, that’s a true statement. My therapist and I have talked about it. I tried to take my own life a couple years ago – it was access to pills for me. What I see going on is deeper than the surface issues, problems and causes we like to blame for these eruptions of passion. The “why” of it is where to begin and that is complicated and that takes time. It’s expensive. It’s easier to just keep dispensing cocktails of pills. I think we are still where we are at because no one wants to face the why of it, take responsibility and enact meaningful change. So we keep wiping up blood and handing down trauma with all its labels to yet another generation.

Pointing fingers without self reflection….we are so good at that! What our country is also good at is making troubled people famous. People who felt meaningless in life do something like what happened in Uvalde and just like that they are finally “somebody.”

What I have known from my own experience, people I have known and what I’ve observed these 54 years is that we are emotionally and spiritually sick in America. The mental health system of my mom’s day and a lot of what I’ve experienced being in the system are still inadequate. Some of us are taught to pray and told that will make everything okay again. Often things don’t change and later in life some of us learn there is action in prayer….God isn’t going to do it all for us. For some, especially those feeling powerless, this realization is enough to turn to other more immediate solutions for what ails them. As we are seeing….they pick up a gun and use it to express their unresolved problems and emotions. I know when I was growing up I wasn’t taught by anyone what to do with the insecurity and bad feelings that arose in me when I was bullied at school. I mostly turned those negative feelings and emotions on myself.

What’s different from my mom’s time and mine is now we have social media to broadcast suicides, hate and violent intentions at the click of a button. God, thoughts and prayers only go so far in this modern world of 24/7 media. Instantaneous poison for the spirit and soul.

I know…..echo chamber….preaching to the choir in my words here today. Can’t hurt to keep trying.

For Our Country


Almighty God,
Ruler of all the peoples of the earth,
forgive our shortcomings as a nation,
purify our hearts to see and love the truth,
give wisdom to our leaders,
and steadfastness to our people,
and bring us at last
to that fair city of peace
whose foundations are mercy,
justice, and goodwill,
of which you are the designer and builder;
through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Source: Woodrow Wilson

4 April 2022 What Do You Want?

Check out 4 April 2022 Monday chat https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1446211091

Hello to you. How are you today? I hope this finds you well….rested? Are you getting enough rest? I myself am struggling with that. What’s frustrating is as I am getting older I have to rest more frequently than I used to! I don’t know how it is for you but sometimes it feels like the body betrays us leaving us feeling powerless!

My thoughts today are about the question I ask myself and others, “what do you want?” The context of the question is about the world we live in. Your immediate world that you experience each day. Who and what are you giving your personal power to?

What do you want to see more of in the world you live in? Where do you focus most of your mind, body and souls energy? Who and what gets most of your personal power?

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of videos on You tube from animal shelters and rescue agencies. They are finding and rescuing dogs that have been shot and left to die. One dog was shot while she was pregnant. Other dogs covered in oil, left in landfills and dumpsters…old dogs abandoned on a street, sick dogs left to wander. For a time I have been wondering if focusing my attention on such things is giving power to that stuff happening in the first place! I have asked God before if there were no rescue agencies and shelters would this horrible stuff still be happening? The answer is most likely yes and these animals would just suffer.

People take their powerlessness out on each other through horrific abuse and they take it out on animals. Where do people learn to be and do such horrible things? A lot of times they themselves were victims….they were taught and learned that acts of violence were the way to deal with difficult emotions and situations. The chain of this behavior has to be broken. Is that possible? Are we like some breeds of dogs born with a predisposition for certain behaviors? Is it in our DNA? If the right things happen that those violent tendencies in our code get activated?

What do I want? I want to see less activation of the genetic codes in people that make some aspects of this existence so horrible. We need to teach people at a very early age how to deal with difficult emotions and situations so that they don’t take all of that ugly out on the world around them…innocent animals and children.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_intelligence – I think this subject should be taught in school

Emotional intelligence (EI) is most often defined as the ability to perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle emotions. People with high emotional intelligence can recognize their own emotions and those of others, use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior, discern between different feelings and label them appropriately, and adjust emotions to adapt to environments.[1] Although the term first appeared in 1964,[2] it gained popularity in the 1995 best-selling book Emotional Intelligence, written by science journalist Daniel Goleman. Goleman defined EI as the array of skills and characteristics that drive leadership performance.[3]

Trees on our walk
Pink blooms caught my eye
Looking up through the branches
A succulent trying to survive in my window
A gift a couple Christmas’s ago still showing signs of life (Amaryllis)