saymber

29 March 2023 God the Gentleman (free will quandry)

March 29, 2023 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Politics and Government, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How is your today going? I am doing ok. My thoughts are on my quandry about God and free will. I brought this up last night with the ladies in my Bible study. The answers that came from them were all similar. God didn’t make us to be mindless drones and followers of his word. God is a gentleman who gives us choice – to choose to believe in him or not. Nothing is forced. Emily, the leader of the study gave me a good example. She said imagine you have this friend who every time they go out they do the same thing. Like getting drunk and being miserable for it. You know this about them and suggest they not do it but ultimately it’s their choice. Emily was kind of tackling the all knowing God in her example. God knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows what we are going to do and can put other options and choices – better choices- before us but ultimately we make the final call. When I think of the times I’ve been through with my mental health I got myself in a tunnel. I couldn’t see the better choices because I lost control of my ability to see them. In the Christian community they might say the enemy had hold of me.

I read this morning that the Nashville shooter had been suffering. When we are suffering and don’t have faith and trust in God and the enemy is “driving the car” we make, in her case, fatal choices despite what God wants for us.

I am still struggling with the issue of God allowing mass shootings to go on. I feel like there is a lesson we are supposed to be learning and we are not learning it. For example there is no red flag law in Tennessee to prevent troubled people from purchasing weapons or keeping current guns in their possession. May be this case is another example that lawmakers need to make better choices too. Something like red flag laws should be federal law not just up to each state. That’s just my opinion of course. There is just too much inconsistency when it comes to guns in America.

So I’m glad I was able to talk to Emily and the other ladies in Bible study last night about Gods Grace when it comes to tragedy. There have been all kinds lately to include weather related. The people in Mississippi who lost their lives and or homes to tornados. I wonder what God wants us to learn about that or is it beyond God and a combination of man -made factors – climate change for example. I don’t think anybody is completely ready for something like a tornado. I know when we had one when we lived in Texas it took us by surprise even with the weather service warnings! We were grateful for our lives being spared and minimal damage to our property. It’s got to be hard to have everything destroyed like happened to the already poor in Mississippi. What is Gods plan for these unfortunates? I know after the tornado we had it pulled all of us neighbors closer together.

At the bottom of all tragedy, no matter what kind it is, what good can come from it? What can we learn about God and ourselves? We can choose to crumble or learn and rise above it wiser. It really helped me to hear fellow believers explain God as being a gentleman. We are given a choice and we don’t have to wait for tragedy, reaching our bottom in life, to choose Gods will for us. With these tragedies we are seeing the perpetrators are self will run riot. In cases like these mass shootings, fatally so. Passion takes over reason. I wonder if that shooter knew she was unconditionally loved by God if she still would have gone through with her plans.

28 March 2023 It Happened Again – Why?!

March 28, 2023 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Politics and Government, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you? I am feeling a little overwhelmed by seeing yet another tragedy play out with the school shooting in Nashville Tennessee. No place seems to be sacred. I ask myself why God keeps allowing these to happen even in places of worship. People always retort the same answer, “free will.” If God knows everything, whatever is going to happen before it happens, how can there be free will? Why doesn’t God intervene somehow. The other answer I hear a lot is this is a fallen world we live in to which I ask why did Jesus die again? The answer is usually not everyone accepts Jesus as their savior and so they do things like what happened in Nashville and so many other places. I say access to guns, like this emotionally disturbed person had, makes it so easy for the disturbed and fallen to carry out these violent acts of free will. I ask God often why he allowed guns to be made at all! My life began with my mother ending her life with a gun. They always say if there wasn’t a gun they will find something else. At least the something else gives first responders more time. Time is what is lost with guns used by troubled people.

I like what the woman that asked the media if they are tired of covering school shooting stories. She asked a compelling question, “Why is this still happening” and said it’s just going to keep happening unless something is done. I read how easy it was for this troubled young woman to get her guns and hide them in her parents house.

America is sick with a gun culture. There are many responsible gun owners, I know several to include family and friends. I myself don’t own a gun nor should I with my history of mental health. I hate guns but for some it’s like collecting or buying something to support a hobby. A lot of people like to use guns to support their hunting hobby. Other people are buying guns out of self defense. The other day I saw a man open carrying a hand gun and I found myself feeling a bit unsettled. It would be so easy for somebody like that to turn such a weapon on people in the store. That’s what I thought when I saw it!

The argument that bugs me a lot is regarding good guys versus bad guys having guns. All it takes is one moment of passion to change a good guy to a bad guy. We are seeing it with cops a lot these days.

Something needs to be done from the federal level so that we get some consistency from place to place. Emotionally disturbed people should be a red flag at any place such a person could buy a gun. You shouldn’t be able to sell guns to the public without having the ability to run a background check. I think there needs to be an international database connected from mental health care providers and law enforcement that all places selling weapons would be required to check before selling someone a weapon. There is so much inconsistency in the process from one state to another – one store to another. So many troubled people fall through the cracks of our current systems. So many people with mental health issues are unable to get care and fly under accountabilities radar. I keep thinking of the sniper Chris Kyle who made the fatal decision of thinking taking a troubled vet with PTSD to a gun range was a good idea.

I have to wonder how much more bloodshed the American people are willing to accept? Idaho just signed into law that firing squads are ok to execute prisoners on death row! Seeing such actions make our country seem so barbaric. What I am concerned about is when innocent people are put up for execution.

So when all is said and done, with the system both divine and worldly as it is, I am praying for meaningful change not more empty rhetoric.

27 March 2023 Feeling Like Spring

March 27, 2023 by saymber, posted in animals, Bipolar life, Health, Home, Mental Health, Nature, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you how are you today? I hope we’ll. It’s starting to look and feel like spring already here in Idaho. My neighbors flowers are starting to push up through the winter soil. Every time I walk past her yard and see them I feel like smiling. Mother Nature, this earth is so amazing isn’t she? I’m always amazed at how quickly, with just a few elements life is able to happen. Like a construction site where a mound of dirt is pushed off to the side and within a short time it being covered with life. Last year I was awed by a beautiful purple flower growing in a crack in my Aunt and Uncles driveway. God is good! So much evidence of the master of creation.

On a slightly different note, we are trying to break a cycle of going to bed late and getting up late. I try to go to start winding down at 9 pm but often don’t fall asleep right away. I wake up around 8 am automatically no matter what I do. My Aunt, Uncle and therapist have been encouraging me to just get up. I need to practice this – May be make an appt with myself. Make a coffee date or exercise appt- something. Link and I walk in the morning but he likes to dawdle and I wonder if he’s starting to feel his age (like I am!) Anyhew I have been having spinning spells when I move a certain way the past couple of days.

24 March 2023 Communication

March 24, 2023 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. Hope this finds you well. Each day my online therapist app Better Health has a suggested topic. Todays topic had to do with what communication looks like. A phrase that came to mind almost immediately was “use your words.” Sometimes I don’t have the clarity I’d like to properly communicate things. This has been happening as I’ve tried to explain what I’m experiencing on a daily basis with the Mal de barque syndrome stuff. People ask me if I’m feeling better with swaying and stuff and the answer is usually no. Like this morning I had a dizzy spell like vertigo. It was very brief – when I rolled over in bed.

I’m scheduled for an MRI on the 19th of April to see what’s going on inside my head. Hopefully nothing that can’t be fixed.

I’ve had a lot of people praying for me through this. I am so grateful for the love and support from my family and friends. God must have some sort of plan in all this.

20 March 2023 Neurology Appt

March 21, 2023 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, history, Home, human rights, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, Spirituality and Religion, technology, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you? I’m pretty much the same. This morning my Aunt and I went to a neurologist appt. He did tests to see my reflex response like tapping my knees and wrists and touching the bottom of my feet. He couldn’t find anything so wants to do an MRI and see if anything shows up to explain why I’m experiencing the swaying motion when I walk. He was familiar with Mal de barque syndrome but wasn’t aware of any connection between getting tased and brain and nerve damage. So we shall see what happens.

I was grateful to have my Aunt there with me. When I was married, I had my husband with me all the time. Now that I’m divorced I have to rely on family and they are so happy to help! I am truly grateful and blessed to have supportive family and friends.

A reflection:

Lately I’ve been noticing a lot of social media posts from people from my generation reflecting on what it’s been like growing up when we did. I was born in 1968 and it really is amazing how much we have advanced in some ways and regressed in others. With people living longer there is a mich mesh of generations co-existing at the same time. There is a lot of overlapping between generations. A lot of people seem to want things to go back to “normal” and as I see it what we are experiencing is our new normal. Everyone just wants to do and be what they want but there are forces pushing back against it. Specifically the LGBTQ+ agenda. As a woman who has struggled at times with being born a woman and accepting my lot in life I sometimes get jealous of women who have decided to go through with trans surgery. Specifically top surgery I hate having large breasts. A lot of these types of folks end up on Tik Tok and I am drawn to their pages and stories. One person I was drawn to, can’t remember there name but they laid it out that if you are identifying as trans it is a mental illness. You have to get an official diagnosis in order to go forth with trans surgery and hormone therapy. I had never heard someone say that before. I have found drag queens fascinating. My ex and I used to watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Most of the contestants were gay and some trans. You don’t just wake up one day and decide these things. Most seem to know early on that they are different. I was probably 5 or 6 years old when I remember telling my Grandma I was supposed to be a boy. I was one of two female grandchildren, the rest were boys. So it makes sense I would think that. I am glad to be a woman despite the drawbacks! When I was a teenager I was anorexic and bulemic and really thin and athletic but struggled with my weight. I had short hair and was often mistaken for a boy! Anyhew it’s interesting to see the generations getting older clashing in social media. Terms like identifying as binary and stuff I just don’t understand. To me, from my own experience, everybody just seems to be trying to belong…to find their tribe. I am trying to find mine again. I had one in Texas but it split apart. I am attending a Bible study with a nice group of women from church. As welcoming as they are I still don’t feel like I fit in. Is team Jesus my tribe? Just as I am?

Since my last psychotic break or episode it’s been really quiet for me spiritually, mentally and physically. As I’ve mentioned before I get real tired easily and that’s probably due to being overweight. There is more of me to lug around. The medications I’m on have brought about silence in the creativity department and my spirituality is quiet too. I’m having trouble finding my tribe – who or what do I belong when at times I don’t have the clarity to express a single thought? This post is the longest I’ve done in a while!

Generation X seems like I’m part of a broken generation. A generation of people that worked until they got broken so now our days are made up of medical appts and new diagnosis! I have seen and experienced so much brokenness. Everything from being born when Martin Luther King was killed to stuff like Columbine, Sandyhook, the Challenger explosion and 9/11. The technology boom in just a short time. I remember computer data being processed on punch cards! I’m 55 years old and sometimes I feel ancient when I reflect on all I’ve lived through. God must have some use for me yet!

I’ll close for now. Just reflecting and thinking about where I’m at and where I want to head this leg of my journey.

15 March 2023 Belonging

March 16, 2023 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Food, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. Hope this finds you well. I’m just home from joining my Aunt and Uncle at Golden Corral in Nampa ID and members of their life group from church (Grace Bible Church Nampa). I never eat my moneys worth at buffet restaurants but it was nice and the food was decent. I quit eating when I was full which can be hard at such a place with its endless supply for you to gorge yourself on!

It was nice to meet some more people – all older than me. Most of the people my age are still working so I don’t see them except like Tuesday’s Women’s Bible study I’ve been going to and church services when I go. I am wanting to have a sense of belonging and my Aunt tries to help me with that. It doesn’t help that I get tired so easily – the Mal de barque syndrome – all my movements are exaggerated and I feel like I’m lugging around so much extra weight ( which I am!) I feel so out of shape and sluggish. Even after a month using the Steve Harvey drink powder (L’elevate you) I still don’t feel much different.

10 March 2023 Sunset

March 11, 2023 by saymber, posted in Health, Home, Nature, photography, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you? I’m doing ok. My energy levels have been pretty low so me and the couch and You tube have been besties lately. When I let Link out a few minutes ago I couldn’t help but notice the beautiful sunset – the light in the neighbors tree really was vibrant. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt inspired to take a photo of natural beauty. I hope it pleases you too.

A beautiful look at my neighbors tree in contrast of light and shadow

4 March 2023 Walks With My Dog ( Gratitude)

March 4, 2023 by saymber, posted in animals, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How is your today? I hope we’ll. Today I find myself grateful for the walks I am able to take with Link. Today he lead me to where a couple neighbors were talking and I was able to say hello and find out we have a stray cat problem. People dumping their unwanteds at the Post Office across the street. One of the men said he’s been feeding a couple of them. He said if I wanted one I was welcome to them. Honestly I don’t know how Link would do with a feral cat as a housemate!

Walking with Link took me past some places where the water still is running freely and that was pretty to see. Getting out with him really is good for me even if it’s kind of tough with the swaying in my head issues. I have a neurology appt this month to further investigate what may be causing me to experience the exaggeration of motion I feel when I walk. I am wondering if Mal de barque syndrome will be the diagnosis and if so will there be anything to be done about it. From what I’ve seen and read there is no cure.

I am just grateful as I write to you for my boy Link. He is a reason to get up each day and to get out in the world.

1 March 2023 Loving Ourselves

March 2, 2023 by saymber, posted in books, Home, human rights, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you in your today? I hope well. Last night I went to the Bible study and had a good discussion with the ladies there. I have been having trouble with the devotional we are using. I know it’s not the intention of it to disempower women but some of it comes across that way. I feel like loving ourselves is kind of under scrutiny. I was raised Catholic and I’m attending a Christian church. When I was attending Catholic Church services I feel like the emphasis was on God and not so much Jesus. To me Jesus’s messages is the best part of the Bible. Lately the messages I’m getting is about loving God and others as we should love ourselves but some of us don’t love ourselves. I feel like as Christians we get beat up a little for loving ourselves – for seeking wisdom from inside versus all external in relationship with God/Jesus. I know we are all sinners but I don’t like getting beat up about it. I don’t like being told that no matter what I do I am not good enough. This is where belief in Jesus becomes a focal point. If we are good enough we don’t need Jesus. Anyhew I’m struggling a little bit because I have and know those who have had low self esteem and have turned to God with it and it didn’t help. Sometimes it makes it worse! So keep me in your prayers as I keep you in mine.

14 February 2023 Getting Older

February 14, 2023February 14, 2023 by saymber, posted in books, Home, Leading Life by Example, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you? I hope well. Yesterday was my 55th birthday. We celebrated as a family on Super Bowl Sunday at my cousins house as it was a celebration of both of us. He is 4 years older. It was really nice to celebrate together. I didn’t do anything yesterday but did get some nice cards from my Mom and family.

Today is another one of those Hallmark holidays. I think every day is an opportunity to be someone’s Valentine. When I was married to my last husband, we didn’t do anything as we believed every day was a day to treat each other specially. It’s kind of like Mothers and Father’s Day and holidays like them.

My devotional Beauty Beheld arrived today and I started reading it. I can tell it’s not going to be an easy read! Having others to talk about it will help I hope.