Happy Independence Day! I’m looking forward to seeing family today and getting a bike. My cousin had a friend give him a bike that could go to a disabled vet which so happened to be me! We are getting together at my Aunt and Uncles house this afternoon. I am not looking forward to the evening – lots of people fire off fireworks around here and it sounds like a war zone! Thankfully Link doesn’t seem to be bothered by them.
Todays prompt kind of makes me think of Jesus’s message about not worrying or having anxiety about tomorrow:
Matthew 6:34New International Version
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I used to be a worrier and very anxious about things I had no control over. I still on occasion have anxiety. It does nothing for me! There are things to plan for and look forward to but all I really have control over is my today – the moment I am in. Who knows but God what is going to happen next! Something Kyle my ex used to say to me when I was worrying about something is “what are you going to do about it? If your not able to do anything quit worrying as it does no good.” He was usually right! I can remember one time our front yard was flooding and I was worrying and I had to focus on what I wanted to happen and not on the flooding. Everything was fine – we were watching Twilight Zone and the episode was about an Angel and that comforted me.
In times of crisis I have had to train my mind to focus on what I want to happen not what I don’t. What monster do you want to feed kind of thing. Prayer also helps with focusing on what I want to happen in my present and future. It takes a lot of practice for me not to be a worry wart!
I thought Link looked beautiful in the afternoon light
Hello to you. How are you doing today? It’s already 81 degrees here today. I didn’t take my phone on the walk last night so no walk pictures. Everything is drying out or there are weeds. One of my neighbors yards is almost completely overrun with weeds. They are waist high! I don’t know if the city has a code enforcement to tell them to cut their yard.
Link is so good at posing for pictures. He is a teacher in my life – especially patience and unconditional love
Todays prompt reminds me of a special teacher I had when attending grade school. The teacher in grade school was Mrs. Maxwell. She encouraged me to write and even gave me a certificate saying I was the most likely to be an author some day. She genuinely cared about me on a personal level as well. She could see how difficult a classroom setting was for me and tried to help. I can remember one day she helped me work through a crisis. I thought my dog Pita had eaten a rabbits foot and was going to die. Mrs. Maxwell reassured me the whole day that Pita would be alright. Thankfully she was. I don’t remember finding the rabbits foot!
I don’t think teachers are compensated nearly enough for what they do for our children!
Teachers are not limited to human beings. All my animals I have shared my life with have taught me patience and non-verbal communication. My dogs and cats taught me about nonverbal communication and patience. I have learned things from insects and other non- humans. I’ll never forget what a couple different species of wasps taught me. One dragged the body of a spider in right in front of me. It was like it was saying “see what I can do?!” The spider was two to three sizes bigger than the wasp. Another discharged its stinger as I was looking at it – like someone putting down their weapon. Another got trapped in the house and I caught it and let it outside where its fellows were waiting like they knew what I would do! The other insect I learned from was flies. I put tuna on a plate and they would go to the tuna and I could get them outside. Most of the behavior that annoys about flies is stuff they do while freaking out at being where they don’t belong- they freak out just like we would if we were trapped somewhere we don’t belong. People forget that insects have been here longer than we have – not just stupid insects! I did a video about the flies once – if I could make peace with a fly why can’t we make peace with each other? I think our brains and thoughts make things so complicated. I haven’t been able to make peace with ants like when they invaded the house- just too many!
These days, as an adult, my teachers are all around me. Like I remember my Dad telling me once “ You are never out of school.” Its important to remain teachable and not get set in your ways. This is difficult for me as I don’t like change very much but nature continues to teach me that change is a part of life.
Hello to you. I’m just back from church and groceries. The message today came from Thessalonians in regards to the return of Christ. Pastor Daniel from the Nampa campus gave the message. It was good to see familiar faces and get caught up on things. Dear Penny lost her Dad recently and she shared her peace about that. The grocery trip was kind of disappointing. I wanted to get some Tillamook ice cream to take over to Ruth’s on the 4th but they didn’t have vanilla and the freezer was failing – a lot of the ice cream was melted. I picked up some Dreyers that wasn’t too melted! Hope it will be ok!
Todays prompt takes me back to the two surgeries I had to remove fibroid cysts. The first surgery removed a cyst the size of a 5 month embryo and second surgery, in August of 2005, when I had my hysterectomy to remove fibroid cysts and all my baby making parts. It was a life changing decision we made to have the hysterectomy. I remember just before being put under anesthesia for the second surgery the technician asking me if this is what I wanted to do. It rained that day as Kyle waited for me to get in and out of surgery. I remember it was hard to wake up from the anesthesia for both surgeries.
I never had children and having the 2nd surgery shut the door on that. It was for my best. From time to time I wonder what my life would have been if we had tried for a child either in my first or second marriage but it passes. Looking back at the wreckage of my being Bipolar, it really would have been rough trying to raise a healthy child. A large part of my dog Links early life was me in the hospital. It would have been worse if he had been a human child.
Some hidden orange flowers my neighbor Marlene walks her dog she calls Number 6 in the later part of the day like I do – she is such a sweetie! She reminds me of my dog Spot Proverbs 16:24
New International Version
24 Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
Hello to you. It’s 89 degrees here as I write to you. I was going to sit outside and write but it’s too hot!
My thoughts today turn to thinking about keeping life fresh. Lately my life has been feeling like Ground Hog Day. Very little deviation from routine. Sometimes I will be ready to do my daily sit ups and wonder if I already did them! Inside of me I am wanting more but my body is resisting. What keeps happening is I get this fullness in my ears and I will feel anxious and hypersensitive to my body. The Mal de Barque stuff. My lower back has not been my friend either. I try to walk and I feel like a weeble wobble huffing and puffing almost the whole walk in pain. The only thing that seems to help the hypersensitivity is taking the olanzapine right now. I will be starting to do the taper off of it starting tomorrow. My doctor wants to taper me off of it because it’s notorious, along with the Depakote, for causing weight gain. We are going to try Abilify (aripiprazole) instead of Olanzapine – I hope it works as well for anxiety, weight gain and hypersensitivity.
I try to stay in the understanding that I am blessed to have the life I have even with it’s short comings! As I keep saying it’s not what I can’t do but what I can. Hopefully with the medicine change I will feel stronger and like I can do more to keep my life fresh.
I love seeing roses ready to bloom – especially the two tone onesSome big Pom poms – I think these are called goats beard
Psalm 147:3-5New International Version
3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. 4 He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. 5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.
Hello to you. How are you doing? It’s Friday again – this week went fast.
Yesterday I went with my cousin to an appointment with a neurologist. They didn’t find anything of concern – brains ok! Very short visit. Kind of felt like a waste of time but at least it was good news. The doctor was much more cheerful than the first time we met. Whatever is going on in my head and ears appears to be something non-detectable by standard tests. He said he thinks whatever is going on may be connected to the medication I’m on. I’ve been on Depakote before and didn’t have the side effects I’m experiencing. I think it’s Mal de barque and I’m just going to have to live with it.
What was good about going is I got some quality time with my cousin Laura – that wasn’t a waste of time! We had a nice lunch at Chik-Filet. During our visit she was trying to help me figure out things I can do to get me out of the house more or have something meaningful to do. Both her and my Aunt do that. This is helpful for me as sometimes it’s hard to get out of my own way. The limitations holding me back are mostly physical, not wanting to drive and especially not wanting to leave Link for long periods of time. She had a lot of ideas for me to think about! She encouraged me to think of things I can do not what I can’t. I am hoping with the medication change I will be starting that I won’t be tired so much and will have more stamina – hopefully will lose some weight!
These cheerful painted rocks were out front of the hospital
Psalm 30:2New International Version
2 Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
Hello to you. How are you? I just had a good talk with my Aunt. She was concerned about what I wrote about yesterday regarding spirituality. She felt it was a little dark and that we need to be moving on from those memories. I reassured her the best I could. I had to remind her that in addition to writing for me I’m writing to help others like me or the family and friends of those like me. By sharing my experience, strength and hope I am hopefully helping someone else who might be going through similar circumstances and have no place to turn to.
What I learned through AA is the more we share our stories of recovery the less it hurts and the more people we help. Each day someone is diagnosed with Bipolar and it can be devastating and overwhelming. I still don’t completely understand it and I’ve been living with it for many years now. I just know Mania and crippling anxiety is what we want to prevent from happening! The Mal de Barque syndrome is also going on too and there is no cure for it or even real tests that can definitely identify it.
My family and friends, my church all encourage me to lean not on my understanding but to lean on God through all of this. I’m trying! I want to make it clear that I’m not seeking sympathy or attention by sharing. I am sharing to help understanding about a condition that doesn’t make sense! There are people who think mental illnesses are something you can just get over and it’s like diabetes or heart disease – you just can’t see it by looking at a person but it’s very real and needs special treatment with both medication and therapy. It’s an inside job until the bad stuff happens and can be seen in behavior!
My Aunt directed me to a great passage in the Bible that she wants to memorize:
Philippians 4:8 New International Version 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Took my phone along for a short walk last night Cheerful pink roses Are these daffodils? My best buddy enjoying some patio time this morning
Hello there! How are you today? It’s a bright and sunny day here. I haven’t been taking pictures lately as I haven’t been on my usual walks in the afternoon. My back is feeling better so I need to get back to it! There is beauty happening!
Todays prompt is a great one. Just last night before trying to fall asleep I talked out loud to Jesus. I haven’t done that in a very long time. Spirituality, relationship with God is very important to me and is a favorite subject to discuss. Ever since what happened last August, I have felt kind of distant from God. I felt like God had abandoned me but that’s probably to the contrary of reality. If I had kept going on the path I was on I probably would have ended up in jail! God intervened in the most extreme way. I was convinced, once again, the world was ending and Jesus was coming back. I felt like he was taking too long so I was going to initiate things on my own! Not a good idea! I never want to be in the situation to be tased again! It was very traumatic. I just wasn’t in control of myself anymore.
When I get overcome by the spirit world, which is what has happened prior to me being hospitalized every time, I become very reckless and sometimes even angry and violent – not entirely in charge of “driving my car.” The car being my body. It’s like being possessed by forces beyond my control. This last time I took a meat cleaver to the inside of my house and broke a bunch of momentos and other things that were glass. I got rid of all my identification. I was convinced that my Link had been left to die in the house. There are a lot of things I don’t remember happening – they are blacked out. Thank God for my family! They came and restored order to my little house and they all are the extensions of the living God in my life.
When I have talked to most Christians, especially women, they have said loving Jesus is about relationship not religion. From my own experience, I agree! I have to be careful to not get too religious. I have been neglecting and struggling with my relationship because of my health lately. This swaying motion in my head , fullness in my ears and playing with the cocktail to get my mental health right has affected my relationship with Jesus AND myself. Everything is such an effort and I get so tired so easily so I want to sleep a lot. My patterns for sleep and being awake are all wonky. My doctors think it’s the medication and we will be trying something new, Abilify, to see if things get better.
I just want my spiritual/creative juices back! The kicker is with the medication to control mania, whatever it ends up being, I will probably never be as creative as I once was. With Bipolar 1, which is my primary diagnosis, mania is to be avoided and is the primary target of the medication I take. It’s either risk being overcome by mania and be creative or not be manic and have little to no creativity. I want peace of mind for myself and those who love and care about me. So who I once was is forever on the chopping block! I used to feel so close to God as I understood him. The ways of that connection, my creativity, spirituality, have been stifled ever since I started taking heavier medications. I haven’t drawn a picture or written a poem, crocheted, made jewelry or done something that I used to do in almost a year! Anything I have done has felt forced – not just flowing with usual ease it used to. It’s like writers block. I try to just take a pen to paper and nothing comes.
I have to remind myself that I need to focus on what I can do – not on what I can’t! Taking pictures on walks has become one of the new ways to share my eyes for Gods beautiful creation but even that is limited by my physical health!
One of the last drawings I’ve done. This was about going to Grace House, a home Grace Bible Church has leased within walking distance for me.
Matthew 8:28-34New American Standard Bible
Jesus Sends Demons into Pigs
28 And when He came to the other side into the country of the Gadarenes, two demon-possessed men confronted Him as they were coming out of the tombs. They were so extremely violent that no one could pass by that way. 29 And they cried out, saying, “[a]What business do You have with us, Son of God? Have You come here to torment us before [b]the time?” 30 Now there was a herd of many pigs feeding at a distance from them. 31 And the demons begged Him, saying, “If You are going to cast us out, send us into the herd of pigs.”32 And He said to them, “Go!” And they came out and went into the pigs; and behold, the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the sea and [c]drowned in the waters. 33 And the herdsmen ran away, and went to the city and reported everything, [d]including what had happened to the demon-possessed men. 34 And behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus; and when they saw Him, they pleaded with Him to leave their region.
Hello to you. How are you? I’m doing ok. Just took Link for his little business walk. It’s really warm and sunny out again today. I will try and get a longer walk later.
Todays prompt is kind of hard to answer as I am a low maintenance kind of girl. On occasion I color my hair but that’s about it for special self care. I keep my nails short and don’t get them manicured professionally. I think the last time I experienced a pedicure was before I got married to my second husband – got my eye brows done then too. That was in 2008! The last time I went to a spa I got a hot rock massage and that’s when I was still living in Florida. My sponsor from AA and I went.
Proverbs 19:8New International Version
8 The one who gets wisdom loves life; the one who cherishes understanding will soon prosper.
Which food, when you eat it, instantly transports you to childhood?
Hello to you. How are you doing? It’s Saturday as I write to you. It’s about 84 degrees and sunny out.
Todays prompt is a tough one for me as I’m kinda of a foodie. Many foods transport me to different parts of my life. I would have to say my moms chocolate pudding dessert is a big one. I can’t remember when she first made it or when I started wanting that dessert in place of a birthday cake. I just know that whenever I have it I think of my Mom and Dad. Dad and I both like it for our birthday! We would joke about getting up in the middle of the night to sneak a piece or who got a bigger piece. It’s one of those desserts you can only make for special occasions as it’s pretty rich. My family here in Idaho loves it too. My Aunt made it for my cousin and my birthday this year and everybody loved it.
Instant chocolate pudding – you can use other flavors if you don’t like chocolate
Recipe: Moms Chocolate Pudding Dessert
Crust: 1/2 cup melted butter , 1 cup flour, 1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional)
Bake above in 9×13 pan at 350 degrees for 15 minutes. Let cool then add:
2nd layer: 1 cup powdered sugar, 1 cup Cool Whip, 8 oz cream cheese
Top last layer with remaining cool whip and nuts if desired and chill.
John 6:27New International Version
27 Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For on him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.”
Hello to you. How are you? I just got off the phone with the pharmacy through the VA. We decided to take me off the Metaformin as I’ve been having diarrhea taking it. She wants me to try Abilify and taper off of Olanzapine as the side effects of Olanzapine (Zyprexa) are weight gain and fatigue. Apparently Abilify is better about that. She is thinking may be of taking me off of Depakote eventually too – which would be nice. I’m so tired of this pharmaceutical cocktail business! In the end it will hopefully be worth it!
James 5:14-16 NIV
14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.
To be 