Hello friend. How are you doing today? It’s still morning and frosty here as I write 22 degrees! The sun is trying to peak out which helps. I think I have gotten myself a mild cold but I’m not going to focus on it too much. The coffee is soothing my throat.

I pulled out the last blank t- shirt I have and it will be a perfect canvas. As it is right now it looks like bleach might of got on it and something else that couldn’t come out. I can use my art to hide those flaws and enjoy wearing the shirt again. The drawing today is me thinking about what I will draw on the shirt. I’m thinking one of my whisp people with a rainbow ribbon. I did a canvas painting like that once as a commission piece for my therapist a couple of years ago.

Looks like I will be alone for New Years Eve and New Years. It’s ok as I’ve never been big on the holiday and if I’m truly sick I don’t want to spread it!

Last night I had a nice Twitch livestream visit with a new follower from Brazil. I keep connecting with young men from overseas. When we get a chance to visit it’s usually way past their bed times! I’m always surprised that they want to talk to me out of all the bazillion channels there are on Twitch. Last night we talked a bit about religion and God. His family is into spiritualism. Apparently his mom tried church and it didn’t work out. I’m still finding my way myself. I like the relationship I have with God. It can be both a simple and complex relationship. As big as the entirety of existence to as small as a grain of sand.

We talked about Christianity and how you have to be saved…believe in Jesus or you will burn in hell. I always am left thinking how can such a large part of the world with their different belief systems be “wrong?” I looked up the percentages for religions and 31% are Christian while 25% are Muslim 16% are non religious and 15% are Hindu – as of 2020. There were 18 others – I found it using Google.

Something we didn’t talk about was free will. If God is all knowing of everything do we really have it? If there is a divine plan in all things I don’t believe we really have free will. Our path seems to be set before we are even born. Where was God when my Mom decided to take her own life? From what I read of her writings she loved God/Jesus more than anything. Where was God when my Grandpa decided to take his life? He was a loyal servant to God got so many years! Where was God when I attempted to take my life a couple of years ago? I had to remember I was bulemic and save myself – there was nothing and no one to save me but myself! The only thing I can think is God doesn’t interfere. He knew what I would do before I did it? He knew I would live to tell the tale may be to save someone else from doing the same thing? Much of my life has been like that. I make “mistakes” and share about it afterwards to help others. Is that part of why I still exist?

The question is still there and may be there is scripture or some kind of answer somewhere – Where is God when it comes to suicide?! According to my Catholic education suicide gets you put into purgatory and you can’t even have a church funeral.

Interesting paper I found about this subject : https://www.mdpi.com/2077-1444/12/11/987/htm –

Is Suicide the Unforgivable Sin? Understanding Suicide, Stigma, and Salvation through Two Christian Perspectives 

by John Potter

Are there really that many lost souls? According to this paper 703,000 people a year?!! Where is God in all of that? Are all these people lost? There is no one living that truly answer that question not even the Pope!

I hope something here was helpful. If you or if you have someone in your life that is suicidal I hope you have a support system. I hope you have a relationship with a higher power. I hope you will choose life. I know it’s a struggle some days but you are not a mistake!