Tag: Nampa Idaho

16 September 2020 Being Realistic

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there, how are you today?  I’m writing to you while I am cuddling with Link where we are all warm and fuzzy.  It was in the 40’s again this morning!  I didn’t wear a jacket but I certainly could have.  The skies are still ashen gray with all the fires surrounding the state.

This morning my Aunt and I were talking about some things and the phrase being realistic stuck with me.  I used to be, especially when I’m manic, like to live in a fantasy world and start connecting dots that don’t belong together.  Part of the connecting the dots is my living in a nonsensical world and trying to make sense of it!  I can take seemingly random pieces of my life and piece them together and they make sense—to me.

The other part of being realistic has to do with relationships.  I am wanting to meet someone and fill the void that was created by the end of my marriage.  I have to keep in mind that realistically no one is going to be able to do that.  So I am having to accept that it may be awhile until I find someone compatible comes along; they have huge shoes to fill.

I was married to a man who was able to be home a lot and keep me company.   We believed that it was more important to be together than to make a lot of money.  We were rarely apart. With the separation and divorce I had to go from that to the life I’m living now; it has been rough.  Realistically, whomever I am with has to be able to work and I have to be able to be independent.  For some reason I lost my independence in my relationship with my husband.  I am starting to think it goes all the way back to my early retirement from the military and subsequent divorce.  I jumped right into my relationship with my current husband without taking time to heal.  Now I am having to process aspects of both failed marriages at once.  I lost my self confidence and self esteem having my career and marriage fall apart like it did.  Now, with this current failed marriage, my self esteem has been completely shattered.

“being realistic” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (ironically a 13 in here) one yes, no, may be yes,no, may be existence. the=33)

“one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one existence. body =46)

“one four six” in the English Ordinal system equals 146

divorce” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (my maiden name matches this number !)

“shattered” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this number looks like a person, place or object destroyed)

“self esteem” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 (one person, place, thing and “no” existence)

“failed marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( I thought it curious this number matches self esteem)

“Let go and let God” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

I am having to do a lot of letting go and letting God these days!

15 September 2020 Closing Together

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Uncategorized, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you it’s morning yet here as I write.  As I look out my bedroom window, it is ashen gray and the sun is trying to shine.   It’s been like this for days now.  The air quality alert is red so I don’t plan on being outside much today.

Today is the official closing date on us selling our house.  Yesterday they sent out a mobile notary.  I was grateful they did that so I could sign the documents and get them back to Texas today for my husband to sign.  It was all bittersweet.  I am even having trouble writing about it right now.   I wish we had been able to do the closing together but that’s the past.

Like the ending of our marriage, this is anti-climactic and is just happening .  Our marriage happened,  We bought a house and lived in it for 12 years.  We made lots of memories together and I don’t want to just act like nothing happened.  All this said, to keep myself from losing my shit inside, I have to in a way act like nothing is happening.  A part of me wonders if this is what my husband has had to do too so he doesn’t lose it.

“closing” in the English Ordinal system equals 79 (all vices in check in a no cycle)

“together” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no cycle for eternity and or racetrack of life)

I have to believe that all of this has been happening for a reason and everything is going be ok for both of us.

12 September 2020 Today

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I hope from whenever and wherever  you are you are having a good today,

I had a couple of interesting dreams last night.  One of them was of seeing Princess Diana in a wedding veil and telling her she could stay, whatever that meant.  The other dream had to do with former President Ronald Reagan and getting car keys from him but instead of getting a car there were beds with numbers on them.

Today is my cousins’ sons wedding and we are having an orange level air quality day. I hope it clears up for them.  The sky is gray, like clouds are in the sky, but it smells like burning! I made my final decision about whether I was going to the wedding or not and I have decided not to go.  I just want the day to be about them and their happiness.  I can’t stop thinking about my own stuff and how I feel about it.   In my minds eye,  I keep seeing myself in black dress looking like I did when I married my ex but alone.  I miss my ex-husband very much and am having trouble moving on without him.  When I think about things I feel like I am being pulled apart   !

“today” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one for all the 5 senses)

(“white” in the English Ordinal system equals 65)

“one two September two zero two zero ” in the English Ordinal system equals 439 (left side of brain yes, no, may be, no existence” and ironically my name 39 is in here)

these values above made me think of yin and yang :

Yin and Yang

Yin and Yang
In Ancient Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (/jɪn/ and; Chinese: 陰陽 yīnyáng, lit. “dark-bright”, “negative-positive”) is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. In Chinese cosmology, the universe creates itself out of a primary chaos of material energy, organized into the cycles of Yin and Yang and formed into objects and lives. Yin is the receptive and Yang the active principle, seen in all forms of change and difference such as the annual cycle (winter and summer), the landscape (north-facing shade and south-facing brightness), sexual coupling (female and male), the formation of both women and men as characters and sociopolitical history (disorder and order).

 

9 September 2020 Getting to the core

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I am having another day without having a Coca Cola as part of my routine and I can tell.  Is this why I’m having another day of feeling “off?”   I have to be my own personal Sherlock Holmes it seems when trying to figure out why one day isn’t like another.   Why one day I will feel like I can handle just about anything and others where a leaf landing on my head could tip me over!

I’ve been talking with people who are like me.  A lot of what we do is this super-sleuthing, digging through what can be construed as a shit pile of a life for core reasons for what is happening.  I can’t dig too much and or ruminate without becoming practically paralyzed by what surfaces.  For example our family is about to experience a wedding and I have decided not to go because I know it’s a trigger.

This upcoming wedding triggers thoughts of my own wedding and I keep seeing flashes of our wedding pictures in my minds-eye.   I keep seeing my ex and how handsome and sweet he was…how happy we were.  I know that my wedding and the  subsequent failure of our marriage is at the core of why I’m having trouble with my cousins’ son getting married.  A pessimistic self has emerged that asks questions like why even bother with marriage.

So what I have excavated is a trigger to my core and I don’t want it to ruin me or taint anyone around me.

“trigger” in the English Ordinal system equals 84 (ironically my ex was born in 1984)

“core” in the English Ordinal system equals 41

“money” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

“world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

“marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

8 September 2020 Ruminating

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you?  I am in my room, door closed, still trying to soothe my raw nerves.  A friend of mine suggested my topic for today be ruminating. ‘

ruminate
[ˈro͞oməˌnāt]

VERB
ruminating (present participle)
  1. think deeply about something.
    “we sat ruminating on the nature of existence”
    synonyms:
    think about · contemplate · consider · give thought to · give consideration to ·

    [

“ruminating” in the English Ordinal system equals 126

sleep” in the English Ordinal system equals 57

“caffeine” in the English Ordinal system equals 49

“sugar” in the English Ordinal system equals 66

 

I have found ruminating too much to be hazardous.  So when there is “too many mind” I try to think of something else.  Problem is if you don’t consciously direct where your thoughts go,  the mind will choose a path of it’s own.  Where your thoughts go there goes the body too (something I learned from Joyce Meyers a long time ago).

Some of the medication I take is to help alleviate anxiety and ironically it makes me sleepy.  This leaves my mind free to torment me with flashbacks like my wedding and songs that evoke a negative physical reaction.   My cousins son is getting married in a few days and what I’m going through makes it difficult to be happy for them.  I keep having to remind my mind that the wedding isn’t about me it’s about them.   My feelings are so strong I have decided not to attend the wedding.  I am afraid I would want to get up and leave during the middle of the ceremony.

I am sincerely hoping and praying at some point I will be able to be comfortable in my own skin again.   I want to be able to remember the good stuff about my life without it being run over by the sad.

 

 

 

3 September 2020 What I used to do and mindfulness

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there how are you?  Hopefully good as you visit me here.  Thank you in advance for taking the time to come by and read.  I am settling down after a nice walk and talk with my therapist  .

So the topic that came to mind today was thinking about what I used to do that made me happy and or occupied my time.  There were a whole bunch of things like doing chalk drawings outside, writing, drawing and making copper wire jewelry and or wire trees.  Sometimes there was crocheting and or knitting.  Sometimes there was singing and dancing.  Sometimes there was watching videos on Youtube and or binge watching shows on Netflix. Only a handful of these activities have felt remotely “right” to do in this new life I am living in.   A lot of the reason I have stopped doing things is for fear they would trigger another manic episode.

2 Sept 2020 wire tree pendant

My counselor and I talked today and one of the subjects we touched on was mindfulness.  I told her I often struggle with being able to stay in the moment.  She gave an example of the difference.  It was being on a walk and seeing a tree and being able to describe the tree with specific details instead of just saying “there is a tree.”

I miss my trees back in Alvarado.   I haven’t really gotten to know the tree here in the same way I did there. I wish I had taken some seeds from the oak tree, Yolie, in the front yard,

“mindfulness” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 (one yes, no may be all vices in check but one 36= child)

“one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side brain light and shadow self process 42=self)

“one four two ” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all senses light and shadow self process)

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes no may be right side of the brain 134=information)

“one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses person place and or object 150=communication )

“one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side of the brain person, place and or object 40=food)

“one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or race track of life)

“one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self all senses)

“one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (pattern repeats)

 

,,

2 September 2020 Memory (blessing or a curse)

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, history, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Uncategorized, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello again how are you?

Do you ever feel like having a good memory is both a blessing and a curse?  Right now I am feeling like it is a curse of sorts.  I want to move forward with my life but memories keep popping up that drag me backwards.  When I get dragged backwards it’s a very visceral experience and a lot of times I feel it on a physical level.  This is ironic because for so long I was lending my support to a program called Music and Memory!  As of right now, I am unable to listen to much music now!  So many songs I liked to listen to are connected to memories of the past 12+ years.

Is this why people smoke, drink and or do illegal  drugs?!!!!

So I am going to ask a question in the numbers and see what comes out:

“Is having a good memory a blessing or a curse?” in the English Ordinal system equals 408 (left side of the brain, with people, place and or object in between in eternity and or the race track of life existence.  Could the object be the brain or the memory?)

“four zero eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 173 (one all vices in check yes, no, may be existence)

“one seven three” in the English Ordinal system equals 155 (one all of the senses for light and shadow self)

“one five five” in the English Ordinal system equals 118 (one and one separated in eternity and or the racetrack of life existence)

“one one eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 (one and one separated all vices in check)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one yes, no may be for the light and shadow self)

“one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side of brain all vices in check but one 46=Body)

“curse” in the English Ordinal system equals 66 (all vices in check but one both light and shadow of self)

“blessing” in the English Ordinal system equals 87 (eternity all vices in check)

“memory” in the English Ordinal system equals 89 (eternity and “nein” and or no existence)

“music” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one with all the senses)

1 September 2020 Changing how you think

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Uncategorized, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there, how are you?  It’s a new day and another day of getting through this life differently than I did before.  This, for me, oftentimes means changing how I think.  Instead of awfulizing things, I am having to look at things in a more positive light.

What do I want to feel?  What do I want to think?  What would make me happy to think about?   Sometimes it feels almost like a reflex to think negatively and when I do,  I break out into a cold sweat and get a chill through my whole body.  I am taking anti-anxiety medications but they don’t always help me.

I don’t want to forget the past, but when I remember it, I want to be able to reflect on it without cold sweats.  I want to be able to listen to music, watch television and or movies without such a visceral reaction and connection to the past.  The past twelve plus  had some of the happiest and saddest memories of my life .  I don’t want to act like they just didn’t happen. I also don’t want them to paralyze me either ! There has to be a way to coexist with the past and present memories so I have a future.  The only way I see to do that is to change how I think.

Let’s see what it looks like in the numbers:

“changing how you think” in the English Ordinal system equals 232 (light and shadow self yes, no, may be, light and shadow self process)

“two three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 172 (one all vices in check light and shadow self process – 72 also =world and money)

“one seven two” in the English Ordinal system equals 157  (one all senses all vices in check 57 = human)

“one five seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left side of the brain one process 41 =  garbage)

“one four one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow of self eternity and or racetrack existence 28=man)

“one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 *pattern with 141 and 128

 

 

31 August 2020 What is helpful and what is harmful

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello and how are you ? I hope you are doing o.k.  I have been having one of those mornings where everything is a raw nerve.  I decided to focus on what was more helpful than harmful.  What do I want versus what I don’t.

I want to wake up each day grateful to be alive.  I want to be able to listen to music, watch television and or movies again without fear of an anxiety attack.  I want to be able to socialize with people again without fear.  I want to be able to be myself without being ashamed.

There are many other things I am thinking I want but that would just be wishful thinking and that would be more harmful than helpful ,  I didn’t break these down to the  patterns point.  I thought it was interesting there is just one number different between the two!

“What is helpful and what is harmful” in the English Ordinal system equals 338 (when I saw this I immediately saw the=33 balance=38)

“helpful” in the English Ordinal system equals 80 (eternity and or racetrack of life up against an person, place and or object)

“eight zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 113 (one one yes, no, may be existence)

“one one three” in the English Ordinal system equals 124 (one light and shadow self right side of the brain)

 

“harmful” in the English Ordinal system equals 79 (all vices in check in a “no” existence)

“seven nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 107 (one person, place or object all vices in check)

“one zero seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 163 (one all vices in check but one in a yes, no, may be existence)

30 August 2020 Influence, Power and Freedom

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you on this chilly Sunday morning.  I hope you are well and having a good weekend.  For those of us in the states,  its Labor Day weekend,  which is the last long weekend before most kids go back to school.

I have a friend who said his internal core values are Influence and Freedom.  I said I didn’t think you could have Freedom with Influence because I feel like Influence is a Power.  When you have Influence over someone it’s like have a Power over them.  Some people have the Influence of money and or prestige and they use those as a power to get people to do things they want or to act in a certain way. There is even a term I’ve seen used before  – “Influencer.”

influencer
[ˈinflo͝oənsər]

NOUN
  1. a person or thing that influences another.

I was curious to see what a few of these words looked like as numbers.  Sometimes it’s interesting to see something besides just a definition of a word:

“Influence” in the English Ordinal system equals 89 (eternity in a “no” existence)

“eight nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (no existence for one process)

“nine one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (all the vices in check and all the vices in check but one process)

“seven six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 (one and one all the vices in check process)

one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one yes, no, may be and yes, no, may be existence)

“one three three ” in the English Ordinal system equals 146′ (one left side of brain all vices in check but one process)

 

power” in the English Ordinal system equals 77 (all vices in check for both sides of self)

seven seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 130 (one yes, no, may be person, place and or object)

“one three zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 154 (one all senses right side of the brain)

“one five four” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 (one yes, no, may be all the vices in check but one)

“one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side of the brain light and shadow process)

“one four two” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all senses light and shadow process)

“one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be right side of the brain process)

“one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all the senses person, place and or object)

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side of the brain person, place and or object)

“one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or racetrack of  existence)

“one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of all senses)

 

“freedom” in the English Ordinal system equals 66 (all vices in check but one for both sides of self)

I immediately thought of historical route 66*

“six six” in the English Ordinal system equals 104 (one person, place and or object right side of the brain)

“one zero four” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or racetrack of  existence)

“one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125  (one light and shadow process of all senses)

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be right side of the brain process)

“one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all the senses person, place and or object)

one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side of the brain person, place and or object)