Category: Spirituality and Religion

19 November 2021 In the Middle

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. I’m writing to you from a place in the middle. I’m bored out of my fucking mind….just waiting for the “next thing” to happen. This is me talking to God in words. I don’t know if it will make sense.

“I walk the margins to avoid the shattered glass. I grasp at this and that feeding the ever expanding me. I can’t escape me no matter how hard I try. This shiny and that shiny a fleeting glimmer in the expanding and contracting black holes at the center of my eyes…..more there must be more than this! Is this the best you have to offer?!! Be still you tell me. The silence in stillness is maddening what’s next?! I scream inside…..I walk and let out silent screams. Can you hear me?! I walk on the shattered glass now just so I’ll feel the margins….feel anything but this endless middle place between now and then. It’s never enough. I’m perpetually hungry from my stomach to my soul. God What will you do with this vibrating slab of me? You have stripped me down to echoes. What am I undirected and left to my own devices? An automaton waiting for some unseen hand to activate me? Always waiting for someone or something to inspire movement ? I used to have thoughts of my own. A will of my own . God where have I gone?”

18 November 2021 Pushing Through

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Do you ever have a nagging physical sensation of being held back when you want to move forward? This feeling that you want to be doing something but you can’t for some invisible reason? But then from someplace inside you push yourself through what is blocking you. Do we even really know what’s in the way? For me one of the things that blocks me is fear of failure.

I heard a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick today that really resonated. He talked about how God will give you the green light to go but Jesus isn’t going to drive the car….you have to do that! God will give you opportunities but you have to use your feet to get there.

https://youtu.be/OuOOz01LXaU – Get Out Of Your Feelings Pastor Steven Furtick

I need to get out of my own way. I keep giving the keys to my “car” to God and he says “No! I want you to drive!” Some of our most meaningful times have been when I just “randomly “ went someplace. I want to get strong enough for us to have those times again. I called them Missions. When you think you are going someplace you want to go out of the blue but it’s really God sending you out to do his work. No coincidences.

Hopefully something here resonates. Today is one of those writing days. Thanks for stopping by!

18 November 2021 Progress Not Perfection

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, drawing, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you? I’m sitting here with my coffee and Link….so grateful to write to you today! Even though it’s overcast and gray there is light inside. Sometimes you have to generate light for yourself even if you are surrounded by darkness.

Progress not perfection…….baby steps. Last night my friend reminded me how far I’ve come in just a short time. We went from buying an insect ridden drum, starting a Meetup Group, going to a Meetup Group and ended up making a friend and then starting to drive more all in just a couple of months! Gradually a life is unfolding for me here.

I attribute my progress to God, my family and friends. I asked God….I continue to ask God and I continue to be heard. This passage speaks to me of the times I didn’t ask and tried to do it on my own:

James 4:2New International Version

2 You desire but do not have, so you kill.(A) You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.

The way things are right now. Sometimes it’s confusing to know which door to walk through next. I have help. If it ain’t light (in my chest) it ain’t right!

17 November 2021 Coffee

by saymber, posted in Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello! How are you? I walked through a new door today. I met a new friend at The Flying M Coffee Shop in Caldwell- it’s a town about 15 minutes from where I live. She had a latte and I had a mocha – both were really good. The atmosphere of the place was really nice. A lot of people were there using computers. We got a chance to visit and get to know each other better. Turns out she is a life coach! Wonder what God is up to !! She has an online business too where she makes bracelets and other really cool things. I have a lot to process! The first thing is God and my Angel Deegan getting me to the coffee shop and back safely! We did it! I told her if she had asked me a month ago to meet her I probably would have said no. What door is next I wonder? I will have to be patient and just be ready!

Link to her business if your curious: https://www.positivelymagickal.com/

17 November 2021 Reason To Live (personal testimony)

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello! How are you? It’s 28 degrees this morning here in Middleton Idaho. I think winter is coming! Link and I said poo poo to a walk. We will wait til it’s a little warmer!

Galatians 5:22-23New International Version

22 But the fruit(A) of the Spirit is love,(B) joy, peace,(C) forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control.(D)Against such things there is no law.(E)

What is your reason to live? So many people I talk to struggle with that question. I struggle with that question. A couple of times I couldn’t stay in touch with my reason and I tried to take my life. One time a couple of years ago now I was almost successful. I had so many reasons to live but in my moments of despair I lost touch with them. Trying to kill myself was one of the most stupid and selfish things I’ve ever done! I hurt my husband and family so much!

I’m going to be honest. I was testing God with what I did. I took pills. As I waited for them to take effect I realized I was alone. There was no one coming to save me. No Kyle. No God. No Angel. Just me…..all there was was me. My survival instinct kicked in and I remembered my bulemia days and stuck my fingers down my throat forcing some of the pills up. Then something told me to go for a walk. To keep moving. I grabbed my purse and dragged myself around the block. I was barely able to walk. When I got home I laid down and just gasped for breath until the remaining pills wore off. I lived but when I told my husband he was so hurt! Why would I do such a thing!! I had always assured him I would never do such a thing after how my moms death affected all of us. I lied to him.

I’m not sharing my story for sympathy. I want to pass on my experience. My strength. My hope. I learned a valuable lesson through what happened…..don’t test God! If you are thinking about taking your life and don’t reach out you are going to be on your own. It’s almost as if God was saying “If that’s what you want to do I’m not going to stop you!” The further twist is how a negative in my life, bulemia, ended up saving me. Further proof that nothing we go through is for no reason.

I hope by sharing my testimony someone will be helped. I still believe there is a God. I’m still here for many reasons. I’m only just beginning to find out what some of them are. That’s what life is . That’s what gratitude is. There is always at least one thing…one reason.

Good Lady Gaga song that got me teary thinking about things this morning….million reasons : https://youtu.be/en2D_5TzXCA

15 November 2021 Be One Of The Lights (short story)

by saymber, posted in Short stories, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

She sat down head in hands taking a deep breath. The day fell off of her shoulders. She could hear the multitudes of people lingering around her. So many stories. She lifted her head and was shocked by what she saw. All the people around her were just shadows! She blinked her eyes a couple of times to make sure her eyes weren’t playing tricks on her but the shadows remained. Then she saw a being that seemed to be made of light come towards her….walking through all the shadows. She heard a voice, “Be one of the lights.” She blinked just once and all the shadows became people again. The light being was nowhere to be found. Suddenly the people passing by began to stare at her. Some of them walked towards her asking ,”Can you help me?” They all had faraway looks in their eyes like they were lost. Pretty soon she was surrounded. She caught a brief glimpse of light and realized it was her own hand.

15 November 2021 Glow

by saymber, posted in history, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you how are you? It’s Monday again. My Monday is gray and overcast. In a little while I have to drive to my therapist appointment. It will be good for me to get out and talk to another human being.

We had a small victory here. If you will recall from a few posts ago I had bought a Djembe drum. Well turns out it had wood eating insects in it!! Well one of my new Meetup friends suggested I put it in a bag and freeze it. If worked! I could send it back but I am kind of attached to it now. When I look at the little instrument it reminds me that I too have flaws and imperfections but am still useful to God.

The times I feel the most useful is when I’m feeling the “glow.” It’s that warm feeling in the center of my chest when I’m right where and when I’m supposed to be. When I feel that feeling it emanates through my whole body. Most times it comes when I’m expressing true emotions…..stuff of the spirit. When I’m talking with others about real things….about God. When I’m in that space I’m not worried about the world I’m living in….what I’ve left undone.

Sometimes this world feels like the story of Mary and Martha:

Luke 10:38-42New International Version

At the Home of Martha and Mary

38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha(A) opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary,(B) who sat at the Lord’s feet(C)listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care(D) that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried(E) and upset about many things,42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[a](F) Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Busy busy busy……our world is so busy that we miss what is important. We miss what is right in front of us. We miss an opportunity to glow. In the end what is it that remains of us ? Is it what we did or how and who we loved?

What makes you glow?

14 November 2021 Safe

by saymber, posted in history, Home, Mental Health, Music, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hi. How are you? It’s 806 pm as I write you. Today has been a good day. For those of you that have been following along with me you know driving has been a thing for me. Today I drove the farthest I’ve driven here in Idaho and made it there and back safe….praise God and my guardian Angel! I had a really enjoyable visit with my family – it was a happy birthday!

Tonight I watched a live broadcast of Elevation Church’s Steven Furtick and his message really resonated. Steven had a unique style of preaching – so much energy! Don’t weep for what’s left you, whatever it is. Something better is coming!! Build on what remains. I have endured a lot of losses but a lot of good remains. A lot of good has come. God knows my heart and has not abandoned me to sorrow. Today I was crying for the loss of my husband to divorce and God filled the void with my loving family. I can’t go back….only forwards…..better!

I can remember being in my back yard in Texas crying because my world had gotten so small. I kept playing the song by Mind In A Box called Escape over and over. God had to move so many pieces to answer my pleas. I lost so much but as my new life unfolds I realize there was no other way. God delivered me and my husband. My husband was too young to be trapped as my caretaker and he just couldn’t help me. So many pieces have to move for just one moment….just one prayer.

13 November 2021 Helpers

by saymber, posted in history, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Television, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

For some reason I am thinking about Fred Rogers tonight. When I remember him I feel warm inside. Sometimes when I see old reruns of his show I will start to cry when he sings. He was just so kind! He had one of those faces you see in a crowd and you just know everything is going to be ok.

One of those small comforts has come to be Fred Rogers’s famous advice to look for the helpers. “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news,” Rogers said to his television neighbors, “my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ (Source Internet)

Who are the helpers in your life? There are so many we can’t even see but they are there. I think about turning on the light switch and there being light. So many helpers working round the clock to make sure we have light, heat and cooling. There is of course our police, firemen, gas station attendants, snow plow drivers, truckers, ferrymen, military, doctors, nurses, waiters, cooks, hair dressers, IT people and so many other professions that work round the clock making our lives better. My ex husband used to work at a dry cleaners. He told me it felt like his kindness was the only kindness some of his customers saw all day! A friendly smile and hello helping make what might of been a miserable day into a better one. He consciously chose to be a helper.

Are you a helper? Are you one of the lights in our sometimes dark days? Sometimes all you have to do is smile. Hold a door for someone. Say hello and wave. Try a random act of kindness. For example I’ve seen people pay for another persons groceries before. Just one thing can sometimes change somebody’s life. Kindness is the right kind of contagion!

13 November 2021 Saturday

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging
Where’s the sunshine Mom?

Good morning to you from here. It’s a misty cold Saturday as I write. How are you?

My imagination going a little wild this morning!

So I’ve been kind of binge watching Slapped Ham YouTube videos. Some of the videos really make you go hmmmm. With software editing technology being what it is today and people’s motives you can’t really take any of them at face value. You have to question even the ones that you want to be true like those with light beings. So many experiences are not recorded.

My ex husband I had something happen to us in our first apartment in Delaware.

One night I was laying on my stomach at the edge of the bed and suddenly started to feel like throwing up and that I was being choked. My husband yelled and it stopped. The bedroom was really cold. We ran out and stayed out for a few minutes. When we went back in the room it was freezing cold. My husband told me he saw a black cloud hovering over me while I was being choked. The next day we watched people taking someone in a body bag on a stretcher out of the house directly across the street! We had waved at the woman living there many times. After that day we went over with flowers to give our condolences but the house had been condemned! Several months later new people moved in and we never saw the lady again.

“The longer I live and the more I see the stronger I clutch on to thee. Where shadows dwell with rancid hell I pray you will always light the way for me.”