Tag: Bipolar life

28 July 2021 Helpful or Harmful

by saymber, posted in animals, Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing on this hot day in July? I am doing ok. I was taking an afternoon nap and some thoughts and images started to filter into my my mind . Some of them painful memories like the day my cat Amber passed away. I had to force my mind to think of other things. I had to ask myself if thinking about such a traumatic day was helpful or harmful. The verdict was it was harmful. I don’t want to think about sad/depressing/traumatic things! So I thought of when she was alive sitting in a sunbeam instead. I forced myself to get up and draw too.

I have had to learn mental gymnastics like these past couple of years. If I let my mind wander it can lead me to some pretty dark places if I let it. It’s the same place my feelings are at and I have found that as an empath living by feelings can be emotionally draining and paralyzing .

Drawing for today

15 May 2021 Healing

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you! How are you ?! I hope this finds you well. I am doing better after what happened . I’m just taking it one day at a time. Sometimes things happen to us to make us stronger even though it doesn’t seem like it at the time . I think God knows my heart. God knows I am still healing from the divorce. God knows it’s nearly impossible to just put someone in such a vast void. True love takes time! True love for me will take lots of healing and time . God is working on it !

Healing in the English ordinal system equals 56 – a all senses all vices in check but one experience

Five plus two equals seven

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you doing these days? It’s getting cooler and the trees are doing a slow striptease of their gold and red dresses.

My friend and I use a chat site called Healthful Chats and in order to find each other he uses my age as a code. I decided to see what the words and numbers said :

“five plus two equals seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 3(yes, no, may be in the unknown eternity)

“death” in the English Ordinal system equals 38

“balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38

Everything we say, think and do seems to have some kind of significance if you really peel back the surface…even just a little bit. What’s ironic is my friend really started to have problems on the date of my birthday this past year and we had never met yet. One of the core issues he’s been dealing with is death!

30 September 2020 Shopping for a place to live

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello, how are you you doing today? I am doing ok.  I’m trying to stay in a space of gratitude for my blessings.  I am way better off than a lot of people these days!

So the current leg of my journey involves finding a place to live in a boom state.  What I mean by that is I moved to a state that is booming with growth as people from expensive places like California move here.  There is a shortage of low income housing.  Farmland is being sold to home developers that aren’t building houses for single occupants.

So pickings are pretty slim and I can’t see myself renting a home for nearly twice what I was paying for a mortgage. I have been trying to avoid the apartment option because I have had such bad luck in the past living in them.  Noise has been the primary complaint.  Moving into an apartment with a dog that barks at just about everything would be horrible for both of us.   I have to have faith that the right place is going to be there for us we just have to be patient.

“Shopping for a place to live ” in the English Ordinal system equals 264 (light and shadow of self process all vices in check but one for right side of brain)

two six four” in the English Ordinal system equals 170 (one all vices in check for unknown person, place and or object)

one seven zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 163 (one all vices in check but one for a yes, no, may be process)

“one six three” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side of the brain process of light and shadow of self)

“one four two” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all the senses engaged process of light and shadow self)

“one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be right side of the brain)

“one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all the senses engaged for unknown person, place and or object)

“one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one right side of the brain for unknow person, place and or object)

“one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all the senses engaged in eternity and or race track of life)

“one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow of self process with all the senses engaged)

“one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (pattern repeats)

 

Just curious:

“boom town” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 (two parts of self separated all vices in check)

“one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one yes, no, maybe, yes, no may be self)

“one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one)

 

25 September 2020 Different frequencies (relationships)

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello again, it’s Friday here as I write to you.  I can’t believe how fast the weeks and days go by now.  For awhile there it was like time was standing still but now it is definitely not.

I was stumped for a topic again and a friend suggested talking about dating and relationships with people on a different frequencies.  A few years ago I took a Quantum Touch class which deals with energy healing.  Part of the training was about the concepts of resonance and entrainment.  We were taught techniques to increase our energy level before helping someone.  The person we were working with would either rise to our energy level or there was the potential, if we weren’t vigilant, to become entrained into the lower energy levels of who we were working with.

https://www.quantumtouch.com/en/about-quantum-touch/how-does-qt-work

So as far as relationships go, we all operate at different frequencies.  Some people operate on a very high frequency.  You know the kind of people that walk into a room and light the place up.  The other people in the room will either rise to the higher energy vibration or they will distance themselves.  I think it’s important in relationships that there is a balance where one person isn’t dictating where the energy level is going to be all the time.  A give and take, a balance.  This goes for all relationships not just a spouse and or significant other.

An image that just came to mind was of two magnets.  The are either strongly attracted and will slap together or strongly repel from each other.  In the latter case, you will be able to feel the magnetic field resisting the two sides joining.   There s nothing you can do to make them stay together except may be connect them somehow.  To think of forcing a magnet together is kind of like forcing a failed marriage to work I think.

“entrainment” in the English Ordinal system equals 133

“resonance” in the English Ordinal system equals 94

“opposites attract ” in the English Ordinal system equals 217 (I thought it was interesting the same numbers for completely different words came up)

“magnetic fields” in the English Ordinal system equals 127

 

21 September 2020 Is it ok to be happy?

by saymber, posted in Uncategorized

Hello to you in your wherever and whenever as you visit me here.  How are you?  I hope you are well.  Something that came to mind today was asking myself if it’s okay to be happy.  I have been having a lot of thoughts lately with the upcoming holiday seasons.  I have been thinking about October with Halloween                                                                                .

My husband and I used to decorate for the holidays and celebrate Halloween.  We had a Steampunk theme started and zombie flamingos chasing a lone pink flamingo….we did stuff.  I don’t know if it’s ok to celebrate Halloween and if I do how will I without my husband.  Knowing my Aunt Ruth we will celebrate Halloween.  I just feel funny inside about it and wonder inside if it’s ok to be happy celebrating the holidays in a new way.   I feel an ache inside thinking about it and am trying to address this now to help me prepare myself.

There is going to be a lot more family around than I’m used to.  I will have to let God  a little on this and trust that whatever happens will be ok.

“Is it ok to be happy” in the English Ordinal system equals 191 (one “no” one)

“spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (“no” one)

“Halloween” in the English Ordinal system equals 95 (“no” all of the   senses)

“Thanksgiving” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left side of brain one)

“Christmas” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one one person place or object)

18 September 2020 Ashen skies

by saymber, posted in Uncategorized

Hello how are you? As I write this morning I look outside and the sky is gray.  You might think it was going to rain but it’s just ash from the nearby fires.  It leaves a light dusting on everything and they even up the air quality alert to red; unhealthy!

I wasn’t sure what to write about today but I wanted to write.  This week has been pretty productive the house sale is done which was another big milestone.  Now comes trying to find a new place to live and it’s not looking like it will be easy.  There is a boom in the housing market in this area  (from what I hear it’s everywhere) .  I am considered low income so I might qualify for low income housing but there is a long waiting list.  I am blessed to have family familiar with real estate and they are helping me navigate this next part of my journey.  Now isn’t a buyers market at least if you are someone like me.

I don’t know if it’s the weather right now or what but I feel heavy and anxious.  Hopefully the skies will clear and I will be able to get back outside some.  We have been praying for the firefighters.

“ashen skies” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one one person, place or object 110=purpose)

“housing boom” in the English Ordinal system equals 138 (one yes, no, may be in eternity and or racetrack of life, 38=balance, death) if you add 1+3+8 = 12/3 cycle

16 September 2020 Being Realistic

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there, how are you today?  I’m writing to you while I am cuddling with Link where we are all warm and fuzzy.  It was in the 40’s again this morning!  I didn’t wear a jacket but I certainly could have.  The skies are still ashen gray with all the fires surrounding the state.

This morning my Aunt and I were talking about some things and the phrase being realistic stuck with me.  I used to be, especially when I’m manic, like to live in a fantasy world and start connecting dots that don’t belong together.  Part of the connecting the dots is my living in a nonsensical world and trying to make sense of it!  I can take seemingly random pieces of my life and piece them together and they make sense—to me.

The other part of being realistic has to do with relationships.  I am wanting to meet someone and fill the void that was created by the end of my marriage.  I have to keep in mind that realistically no one is going to be able to do that.  So I am having to accept that it may be awhile until I find someone compatible comes along; they have huge shoes to fill.

I was married to a man who was able to be home a lot and keep me company.   We believed that it was more important to be together than to make a lot of money.  We were rarely apart. With the separation and divorce I had to go from that to the life I’m living now; it has been rough.  Realistically, whomever I am with has to be able to work and I have to be able to be independent.  For some reason I lost my independence in my relationship with my husband.  I am starting to think it goes all the way back to my early retirement from the military and subsequent divorce.  I jumped right into my relationship with my current husband without taking time to heal.  Now I am having to process aspects of both failed marriages at once.  I lost my self confidence and self esteem having my career and marriage fall apart like it did.  Now, with this current failed marriage, my self esteem has been completely shattered.

“being realistic” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (ironically a 13 in here) one yes, no, may be yes,no, may be existence. the=33)

“one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one existence. body =46)

“one four six” in the English Ordinal system equals 146

divorce” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (my maiden name matches this number !)

“shattered” in the English Ordinal system equals 100 (this number looks like a person, place or object destroyed)

“self esteem” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 (one person, place, thing and “no” existence)

“failed marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 109 ( I thought it curious this number matches self esteem)

“Let go and let God” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

I am having to do a lot of letting go and letting God these days!

15 September 2020 Closing Together

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Uncategorized, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you it’s morning yet here as I write.  As I look out my bedroom window, it is ashen gray and the sun is trying to shine.   It’s been like this for days now.  The air quality alert is red so I don’t plan on being outside much today.

Today is the official closing date on us selling our house.  Yesterday they sent out a mobile notary.  I was grateful they did that so I could sign the documents and get them back to Texas today for my husband to sign.  It was all bittersweet.  I am even having trouble writing about it right now.   I wish we had been able to do the closing together but that’s the past.

Like the ending of our marriage, this is anti-climactic and is just happening .  Our marriage happened,  We bought a house and lived in it for 12 years.  We made lots of memories together and I don’t want to just act like nothing happened.  All this said, to keep myself from losing my shit inside, I have to in a way act like nothing is happening.  A part of me wonders if this is what my husband has had to do too so he doesn’t lose it.

“closing” in the English Ordinal system equals 79 (all vices in check in a no cycle)

“together” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no cycle for eternity and or racetrack of life)

I have to believe that all of this has been happening for a reason and everything is going be ok for both of us.

12 September 2020 Today

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I hope from whenever and wherever  you are you are having a good today,

I had a couple of interesting dreams last night.  One of them was of seeing Princess Diana in a wedding veil and telling her she could stay, whatever that meant.  The other dream had to do with former President Ronald Reagan and getting car keys from him but instead of getting a car there were beds with numbers on them.

Today is my cousins’ sons wedding and we are having an orange level air quality day. I hope it clears up for them.  The sky is gray, like clouds are in the sky, but it smells like burning! I made my final decision about whether I was going to the wedding or not and I have decided not to go.  I just want the day to be about them and their happiness.  I can’t stop thinking about my own stuff and how I feel about it.   In my minds eye,  I keep seeing myself in black dress looking like I did when I married my ex but alone.  I miss my ex-husband very much and am having trouble moving on without him.  When I think about things I feel like I am being pulled apart   !

“today” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one for all the 5 senses)

(“white” in the English Ordinal system equals 65)

“one two September two zero two zero ” in the English Ordinal system equals 439 (left side of brain yes, no, may be, no existence” and ironically my name 39 is in here)

these values above made me think of yin and yang :

Yin and Yang

Yin and Yang
In Ancient Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (/jɪn/ and; Chinese: 陰陽 yīnyáng, lit. “dark-bright”, “negative-positive”) is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. In Chinese cosmology, the universe creates itself out of a primary chaos of material energy, organized into the cycles of Yin and Yang and formed into objects and lives. Yin is the receptive and Yang the active principle, seen in all forms of change and difference such as the annual cycle (winter and summer), the landscape (north-facing shade and south-facing brightness), sexual coupling (female and male), the formation of both women and men as characters and sociopolitical history (disorder and order).