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14 August 2020 Overwhelmed

August 14, 2020 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you it’s Friday. Another week has ended. I hope this finds you well wherever and whenever you are. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed to be honest. Yesterday we both got our house on the market and a bid all at once. There were lots of digital documents to sign and I didn’t even know what I’m signing. The asking price is $200,000 and the bid $195,000. When I initially thought about selling the house it was to sell it “as is” so anything above what we paid is a bonus.

I like things to be simple and uncomplicated and something like this can be overwhelming for me. Thank goodness I have cousins in real estate and friends that are willing to to talk to me to help me get through this.

“overwhelmed” in the English Ordinal system equals 130 (one, yes no may be process, with the unknown)

“selling a home” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one, light and shadow process, with the unknown)

“selling your home” in the English Ordinal system equals 198 (one, no process with eternity and or racetrack of life)

“anxiety ” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (interesting how anxiety’s numeric value is in selling your home)

10 August 2020 Going to the Pool

August 11, 2020 by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you wherever and whenever you are. It’s evening here and I just wanted to take a moment to write. How was your day? Well my day was about pushing through another few feet through the twelve year mountain in front of me. Kyle and I were married twelve years and that is a lot of time and memories to push through anytime I get ready to do something.

The way my mind works is through associations. For example today my cousin invited my Aunt, Uncle and I to their place to enjoy the benefits of their golf club membership. It should have been no big deal to just say yes but it was. My cousins daughter is dating a young man named Kyle! So with that name is the association of my Kyle and how we used to go over and use his parents pool quite a bit during the hot Texas summers. I miss seeing his beautiful hair in the sunlight.

Anyways, today I was getting hot flashes of anxiety just thinking about going. Then my Aunt and I talked about it and decided to go. Well I’m glad I did even if it was difficult at times. I got to meet the other Kyle and he’s nothing like mine was. We ended up having a nice time even if there was some sensory overload. Like I told my cousin, being there with them like that was something I hadn’t done in a really long time.

Kyle and I were experts at talking ourselves out of doing things. If he and I were still together, I don’t know if I would have gone over there. In Texas, everything we could do involved us having to drive a long ways and spend money once we got there. Kyle was more about buying a video game and staying home then going out to do things. I enabled his social anxiety and he enabled me in his ways. We lived a pretty isolated life the last few years. I don’t know if it was he was embarrassed of me or if he had social anxiety too.

I guess I will never know because we never got real closure on our divorce like I wanted. Truth is it wouldn’t of mattered what he said or we said it wouldn’t have been enough. I didn’t want the divorce and still have feelings for him that I’m working through. I do a lot of crying. Like I said, twelve years of a mutual life is a lot to get through. But I know God has a plan and gradually it is being revealed. I just have to keep as my friend says, feeling the fear but going forward anyways.

“Going to the Pool” in the English Ordinal system equals 178 (for one, all vices in check on the racetrack of life)

2 Aug 2020 Absence

August 2, 2020 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you visitor. It has been a long time since I have blogged here. I just haven’t felt like writing. I got encouraged to write by a dear friend so I am trying. So many pieces of my life I have yet to reclaim since the divorce started and my moving to Idaho. I still can’t really watch too much tv, movies, listen to music and or sing, read much of anything and my hobbies are all on the backburner. Everything I used to do was part of the episode just before I went into the hospital this last time. So my life, as my dear friend describes, is very constricted.

Another part of all this is I still feel love for my husband who has divorced me. Everything makes me think of him! Today we went to a park that had water features and a rose garden with a steam engine train and I immediately associated all of it with my husband. I broke down into tears. Thankfully I was with my friend and she made it safe for me to express my feelings. Towards the end of our time together things got ugly but before that there were so many good times. What’s happened to me is like processing a death and it’s painful.

Another thing that keeps happening is feeling like I am in two places at once. Part of of me is here and part of me is still back in Alvarado. So much happened there! Kyle and I loved and lost four of our pets there in addition to so many other memories. I grew very fond of the trees and plants in the yard. I didn’t think I would miss them but I do. It will take time and some day I will have my own place again and a friend suggested plants and therapy.

Link has adjusted to our new home better than I have! Life is much simpler for a dog than us dumb humans and all our memories and baggage!

My coping mechanisms of walking and talking still are working. I also chat yet and that helps some. Gradually I will reclaim my life and thank God I don’t have to do it alone.

“ABSENCE” in the English Ordinal system equals 49

“four nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 102

“one zero two” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

“one five six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

“one two eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

1 June 2020 Anxiety and hot laptop

June 1, 2020June 1, 2020 by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Home, Mental Health, technology, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello. I haven’t written in a couple of days. I was fortunate this weekend and my neighbors decided to have a garage sale. I was able to sell several things and they gave me the money for it Now we don’t have to worry about the king mattress being at the curb or a couple other things. It was so nice of them to allow me to see some things in their sale. My husband and his dad came by on Saturday to get some the last of his things out of the house. I was happy to see them and so was Link but sad for the reason. Link howled like crazy again after they left. The noises Link was making is what I was feeling but not expressing inside. I did manage to get him calmed down after a walk and a Skype session with my cousins wife which soothed us both.

Sometimes you just need a friend!

I can feel myself resisting what is happening with this separation/pending divorce/home sale/moving process even though I’m doing the next right things. I have been fighting with myself inside a lot. All of this is provoking a lot of anxiety. I’m starting to wonder if I don’t need to talk to my doctor about an anti-anxiety as needed medication. I don’t want to be one of those people who pops pills for everything but I think I may need to about this. When I start t feel those feelings I don’t want to do anything but go crawl into bed!

I wish I could be like Link express myself and move on and not ruminate – just grab one of my toys and play and not be trapped in emotions!

The toy I do grab that helps some is my laptop it’s a DELL Inspiron 15 3000. The only problem is it gets so hot when I want to play video games on it. Very disappointing. So I mainly can use it for chatting and stuff like this. I should have know better.

As always thank you for stopping by and reading. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

28 MAy 2020 Stuff

May 28, 2020 by saymber, posted in Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you this morning? Well Link and I have had our walk and I forced myself to eat some breakfast sitting at the table. I have been having trouble sitting still for meals since I got home from the hospital. Just another anxiety provoking thing I’m working through. Last night before bed I was having to keep my mind from teleporting all over the place, “stay with Link” and “stay here Jackie” are phrases I’m having to use a lot. So many parts of my life provoke a teleport of my mind and heart to another time.

Speaking of another time….my stuff is a big time trigger right now.

With things going the way they are, I am going to be moving. We are having discussions with what is the best way to transport my stuff from here to Idaho. I think we have narrowed it down to a Uhaul truck. The quote for the POD was $3800 with almost $300 for rent a month. A lot of the deliberation about this has been whether or not all the stuff I’ve decided to keep will fit in one device or another and not cost us a fortune! I’ve already gotten rid of so much and there is still a couple things left. I hate the thought of putting our King size bed at the curb!

This morning I was thinking about the movies my husband and I had collected and my journals. He is going to try and sell most of the movies. The journals I think are going to be transported one more time but there is a part of me that is almost ready to let them go. I have no intention of going back through them and I don’t expect anybody else is going to want to either. Unlike movies though, you can’t just go get another copy of a journal. With movies you can also find another way to watch and or acquire another copy. We’ll see what happens! I have some more time to think about it.

Anyhew that’s where we are at in our process right now. I’m trying to stay in the present moment. I am trying to remain grateful for what and who I have.

26 September 2020 Friends

May 26, 2020May 26, 2020 by saymber, posted in animals, history, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, photography, trust, Veteran Affairs

Hello to you. How are you today? This morning I am still processing what happened yesterday. I went out and spent a few hours with husband and his family for Memorial Day. Kyle and I had the talk I been dreading for us to have but it was necessary. Spot sat between us. The past four years have just proven to be more than Kyle can take. He is also trying to progress in a career where he is going to be gone a lot. I may not be financially high maintenance but emotionally I can be. I’m kind of like a dog with separation anxiety to be honest. I don’t do well being by myself too long. So he’s doing what is best for himself and ultimately I think this will be good for me too I just can’t see it yet. I think things are going to be alright. With everything that has happened between us the past few years, our friendship remains intact and that means the world to me! I got to spend time with Spot too and she seemed much more relaxed than I’ve seen her in a long time which is a good thing.

25 May 2020 – beautiful Spotty in her first bed

At about 3 pm Tim played TAPS. It reminded me of when we had all gone to Arlington National Cemetery and he and his family played.

25 May 2020 Tim Played TAPS in honor of Memorial Day

We played a few rounds of Yahtzee and of course I didn’t win! It was fun to spend some time together like that. I am blessed to have such understanding people as family.

25 May 2020 – handsome Henry. He and Link are always fighting over Kyle’s Mom Beth!

25 May 2020 Remembering

May 25, 2020May 25, 2020 by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, history, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

How are you today? I’m doing pretty good. It’s a wet Memorial Day. They say it’s going to be like this all day. I guess it’s a fitting thing that it be raining on this somber holiday. In the past couple of years, my husband and honored this holiday by going to our local cemetery. Instead of doing that this year, I will be going to spend some time with my husband, his family and of course Spotty. Last night before bed I was imagining saying hello to her and being so excited!

Memorial Day” in the English Ordinal system equals 116

“a remembrance” in the English Ordinal system equals 98

“together” in the English Ordinal system equals 98

Remembering, like I mentioned in my post yesterday, is a mixed thing. It can be a helpful skill and as my husband used to day about his having a great memory, it can be a curse. I am struggling with the curse part right now. When I remember things it is such a visceral experience that it hurts. In our current times I’m sure I’m not alone. On this day I can guess there are many who wish they didn’t have to remember what today is about! My heart goes out to anyone reading this that can relate to that.

Goals for today:

Today I will rest in gratitude that I am here and yet able to remember. Today I will give thanks for what and who I have in my life. Today I will have hope that today and the tomorrows yet to come will be filled with great new memories.

24 May 2020 Memories and Anxiety – coping with ghosts of the past

May 24, 2020May 24, 2020 by saymber, posted in animals, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to. How are you doing today? I’m up and got Link out on the morning drag. When you walk Link it’s not always you walking him but him having a pretty good idea of what the walk is about. He definitely has his own agenda! Boy dog stuff – “I MUST pee here and I MUST leave a dribble on this particular blade of grass.” Since he’s been back home he’s also been barking in the house a lot more than I remember him doing before. He and Spot used to bark, but not as much as he has been doing lately. He doesn’t have Daddy to keep him line!

5 May 2020 Link and I on walk Parkway Park Alvarado TX

Lately I have been coping with anxiety that is associated with memories. So much of my life is filled with my husband that with us being separated like we are, I have been having trouble. Everything I do has a memory associated with him and that evokes a feeling of anxiety and longing in me, Every part of the day from eating breakfast, going for the morning walk, playing a video game we used to play and even taking a shower at night are all filled with memories…..ghosts of our shared past. He was and in my mind and heart still is, my everything. I am having to make new patterns and I can feel myself resisting doing that. I don’t want to figure out how to live my life without the man I love!

My family has been reminding me that I have to stay in the now and quit going backwards to avoid those anxious feelings and it’s hard for me right now! I am sure God has a plan in all this but some of it sure seems to hurt!

I baked cupcakes yesterday to take out to him and the family for Memorial Day. I had packed up a bunch of my kitchen stuff so it was nice to get it back out for that – to do something normal. Hopefully the weather is going to cooperate. They were talking about us getting potentially heavy rain tomorrow…..I hope not. I have been looking forward to this for so long! I miss my husband, Spot and most definitely seeing tangible family.

Not much else to write. I’m trying to stay in the habit of writing as a part of my therapy and coping strategies.

Thank you for stopping by!

“ghost” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

“people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

22 May 2020 Good Morning and Communication (Discord program)

May 22, 2020 by saymber, posted in animals, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Social media, technology, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you doing today? It’s a new day. I started my day today trying to coax Link to go outside and do his business after the rains we had last night. I’m probably going to have to take him for a walk to do it.

I began my day with sending my husband a good morning text and a picture of our “son” being cute as he resists me. Even though we are not together right now, in my heart we are. Link is not just a dog but a Link to my husband and to Link’s family of origin. No matter how far apart we are inside or out.

What dogs teach us is every morning is a good morning. Every moment is precious.

I found another way to communicate with people and that is through a an computer program called Discord (https://discord.com/). My husband uses it to communicate with his gaming friends or he did. I play an MMORPG Rift from time to time and joined a guild that has a Discord Channel. They are really nice people and there are a couple ladies that use it that are my age. They aren’t on all the time, but when they are it’s really nice to have people to talk to about something besides my problems. I’m just trying to find various ways to help fill the void for daily human contact and communication I’m living in right now.

I’m grateful to my family and friends that have been sending texts almost daily. It’s amazing how just a few words on the phone can help make a day start off right! If anything all of what I’m going through has made communicating with people outside of the home even more important.

21 May 2020 Feelings come and go

May 21, 2020 by saymber, posted in animals, Home, In the News, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good morning. Well Link and I had our walk, eaten breakfast and now some laundry. I am grateful to be able to do those things after looking at the headlines for Michigan this morning – severe flooding.

I didn’t write yesterday. My husband had a journal for a little while when he was welding and he said it was a bit like may be a diary of a blacksmith back in the day, “Today, I made a sword.” The next day, “Today, I made a sword and a hammer.” It gets real dull after awhile. I honestly don’t have a lot to write about right now and feel a little dull!

I am still wrestling with myself about whether or not to keep my handwritten journals, I was talking with someone in the health chat program I’ve been using lately and they brought up a good point. Feelings come and go but once I get rid of the journals that’s it, they will be gone. There are memories from my current marriage like playing scrabble with my husbands Grandma before she died. I am having a real hard time thinking about tossing away stuff like that.

I spoke with my Care manager yesterday about my anxiety issues lately. He had a lot of the same ideas my cousins wife Tawna, who has a Masters in Psychology, had to offer. He suggested breathing exercises, yoga stretches, making a safe place for being in and visualizations. He suggested church groups, prayer, meditation and reaching out like I have been doing with family, friends and chats. He is calling me once a week now. It’s helpful to have a professional checking in and being able to talk to him.

Other than that, I am missing affection. Between social distancing and my husband and I being separated it is hard. I am grateful to have Link as he likes to cuddle and is affectionate. We are planning on getting together for Memorial Day (25th). I hope when I see him and his family there will be hugs even if we have to wear masks!