Category: Mental Health

24 Feb 2021 Manifestation

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello and Good Morning. How are you doing today? I am doing pretty well. I had some cereal and coffee and Link has been out. It’s very cold this morning so the walk will have to wait!

Lately I have been feeling like I am back in “life school.” My Dad told me a long time ago and I believe it, that life is school and we are never out of class. In the past year I have been through some pretty heavy duty courses! I have been going through a divorce, sold a house, bought a house, got my license plates and driver’s license in another state just to name a couple things. The lions share of the course work seems to be about my figuring out how to not be codependent.

It wasn’t until I really started to grieve the lost of my marriage did I realize how codependent of a person I could be. I used to be perfectly fine being alone but that was when I knew I had someone to come back to. Now that I am alone with Link I am having to figure out how to be truly alone. I’m back in school and the class is Manifestation.

I am having to remember I have the power to manifest my reality – I’ve done it before. I did it through writing, art, and various other means to make the reality I wanted to live. When I practiced manifestation before it was trying to bring about the relationship I really wanted. I want to manifest another relationship but before that I want to be healthy in myself. I don’t know if it’s possible to be open for a new relationship and a new life at the same time. I am having to turn to God about this. A couple affirmations from yesterdays reading really stuck out:
*All difficulties between me and ______ are now being healed *The more I love myself the more I love ____.

I love __________and _________ loves me. *Pg 132 Creative Visualization

My temptation was to put my husbands name in the blank spaces but then instead I put God. I want my husband to want me back but his every word and deed is in opposition to that. When you strip away all the possibilities it is God that still remains. When I think of the way things have been the past couple of years, I was married but was spending most of my time with an intangible God. Now is my opportunity to see what it’s like with no one in the way of that relationship. It’s been a rough start but I am coming around to the idea. I want to be complete and whole inside and these thoughts are all part of the manifestation process I’m going through again. The man I want to share my life with must believe in a power greater than himself – God.

So we’ll see what happens in the time that is before me. Lets see what manifestation is in the numbers:

“body” in the English Ordinal system equals 46

“manifestation” in the English Ordinal system equals 146

23 Feb 2021 Belief and Faith

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you doing today? I am having a pretty quiet day. The sun is out and it’s a beautiful day here. I am reading books again and revisited a book that I have read several times before by Shakti Gawain called Creative Visualization. A lot of the principles she outlines in her book about manifesting the reality you want to live in requires, in my opinion, belief and faith. Sometimes you have to suspend disbelief to get to belief! Faith is believing without seeing .

In revisiting this book I am trying to feed myself intangible food that can help me kick the depression aka “funk” I have been in for so long now. Some of the exercises in the book talk about making positive affirmations for example: “God lives within me and manifests in the world through me” pg 50 Affirmations are one of the most important elements of creative visualization. To affirm means “to make firm.” An affirmation is a strong, positive statement that is already so. It is a way of “making firm” that which you are imaging. pg 42

I have been trying to come up with my own affirmations and the only one that I have come up with so far is “he is on his way.” In context it’s me wanting to manifest a new partner in my reality when God shows me I’m ready. I can remember when I grieved losing my cocker spaniel Sam. Three years I begged God to bring him back to me and he answered my prayers with Link. God answers my prayers when it’s divinely time not on my calendar . It could be three minutes, three days, three months and or three years I have to wait before I’m ready to be in relationship with someone again. The focus right now is my getting healthy enough to be able to even consider being in relationship with another person.

So I am having to have belief and faith that my affirmation has the power of a prayer and will be answered. A couple affirmations: “I believe everything is alright now.” and “I have faith in God.”

“balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38

“I have faith in God ” in the English Ordinal system equals 138

22 Feb 2021 Friendship

by saymber, posted in Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you today? I am doing pretty good I guess. I am thinking about a question I asked my Aunt yesterday, “How do you make friends?” I asked her because she and my Uncle seem to have so many friends. She said for her it’s that she loves meeting new people; that’s her thing. The other thing is showing a genuine interest in what the person you meet is interested in. The sad truth is though that after you leave school, it’s just harder to meet and make new friends.

If I am honest with myself, it’s never been hard for me to make friends, it’s been hard for me to keep them. When I meet new people I do express genuine interest in what they are talking about. It just seems like a lot of people “pass through” my life but don’t stay or if they do they are not local.

I have been praying for tangible friends to come into my life and eventually a tangible companion who can help share my life. It all starts with friendship. May be I need to learn more about what it means to be a friend before God will shift my life in that direction. I have a lot to learn about a lot of things and being a good friend is definitely one of those things.

Let’s see what friendship is in the numbers:
“friendship” the English Ordinal system equals 108 – one with the unknown for eternity

20 Feb 2021 Getting up

by saymber, posted in Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello, how are you you doing today? I am finally getting up and engaging in the day. It’s so hard for me to do that and it never used to be. I used to be able to get up in the morning no problem. There was a routine and it just flowed. Now that I am alone with Link I am having to figure out a new routine and even after all these months, I’m still having trouble.

There is an anxiety inside of me first thing in the morning. What am I going to do with my day? Does it even matter if I get up? What is my purpose and or reason for getting up – do I even have one? Some people pray and or meditate. Some people get up and go to the gym and or exercise. The most that really gets me up these days is letting Link outside to go to the bathroom!

Lets see what Getting up looks like in the number numbers:

“getting up ” in the English Ordinal system equals 119 – just by looking at this number is looks like a struggle of the inside and outside of self with a “no” existence.

19 Feb 2021 Filling the Void

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good morning to you how are you? I hope this finds you well. Have you ever felt like something is missing in your life and no matter what you do you can’t seem to fill it. A huge void, That is what it’s like to be me this past year. I have tried people, places, food and things and nothing has worked to fill the void. I have known from past experiences that there is only one thing that can fill the intangible void and that is God, Source, Spirit, Universe…..the intangible “I am.”

I have written about this many times in my life; usually to try and console someone else! I was writing from a place of having. I had a husband who loved me, I had a house of my dreams and I wasn’t wanting for much of anything. It was easy to write about all of this then and now I am writing from the other end of spectrum – chronic loneliness and wanting ….not having.

How do solitaries do it?! How do people live without anything tangible?! How do I learn to live where an intangible God is enough? I long so much for a hug, a kiss, a face to face word each and every day and there is none to be had. I pray to God and ask for their presence and I find myself greeted by a dog when I want to be greeted by a man.

All I can think is there is something God is trying to teach me and until I learn it, I will be alone in the intangible void that is me right now.

Let’s see what Filling the Void is in the numbers:

“earth” in the English Ordinal system equals 52

“Filling the Void” in the English Ordinal system equals 152

7 January 2021 Life Purpose

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, photography, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you out there as you visit me here. How are you? I am trying to recover from what life has been throwing at me. I still haven’t heard from my insurance company as to whether or not they plan to total my car or repair it.

Today I had a telephone appointment with my therapist and she has given me a grand assignment. The assignment is to find my life’s purpose and I have no clue how to persue that! It feels like each time I have felt like I have found my life’s purpose, something has happened and or not happened and I am left searching again. I mean I’ve done drawing, writing, painting , photography, experiments, volunteer work . I have really tried a bunch of stuff. I feel like a blank slate now and totally clueless as to what I should be doing now. So to get such an assignment, I feel overwhelmed. Something from my past I have considered going back to is painting. How that worked best was an almost commission type arrangement. Someone would approach me to paint and the money paid would go towards supplies to make the painting.

I wonder what the numbers say about some of this:

“finding a life purpose ” in the English Ordinal system equals 206 (ironically 26 is God, game, lie in the numbers. Also process of light and shadow self with unknown all vices in check but one)

“painting ” in the English Ordinal system equals 90 (ironically spirit is also 90)

“blank slate” in the English Ordinal system equals 97 (weakness is also 97)

“reclaiming your life” in the English Ordinal system equals 202

I’m sure God has some kind of purpose for me I just don’t know what it is right now. I am hoping more human companionship will be part of it. I have found myself chronically lonely!

29 December 2020 Wrecked…Divine Timing

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you in your here and now as you visit me here. I haven’t written in a couple of days as I have had a lot going on like getting in to a car wreck on Christmas day! Thankfully the other driver, Link and myself weren’t seriously injured.

For many years I have talked about something called divine timing. When I was with my husband we noticed that if we were going somewhere and there was a delay, there usually was a reason. Sometimes we would stop so he could go to the bathroom and when we got back on the road there would be an accident at the approximate place we would have been.

Well on Christmas day I was supposed to leave my aunt and uncles at 4pm but I decided to leave a few minutes earlier and it was in the few minutes in which I met up with a driver who failed to yield at the stop sign. When I think of those moments it’s like everything is moving in slow motion . I stepped on my brakes so hard hoping it was going to be enough to keep us from getting into an accident,

Currently my car is being tested and evaluated to see if they can repair it which is my hope. I have a rental car but am so reluctant to drive it. Yesterday I didn’t want to get out of bed. I have to drive again otherwise I will be stranded. I was just starting to get my confidence up about driving and then this happens. I find myself asking God why?? Was this just some random occurrence or what does God want to to teach me?

I find myself wanting someone to hold on to going through this. I feel so vulnerable and alone . I have family and friends that have helped me and they text, call and visit but it’s never enough. I miss having someone who supports and loves me all the time. May be this is a a test for for me to try and stand on my own which I haven’t done without being married.

“christmas car accident” in the English Ordinal system equals 191

“spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 91

16 December 2020 – Alone or Lonely

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello! How are you in your where and when? I am sitting here with Link feeling a little lonely. Someone recently said there is a difference between being alone versus being lonely. I am with Link so therefore I am only lonely whereas if I didn’t have Link to keep me company I would be alone. I am so grateful for Link!

While I am grateful for having Links’s company, I really miss having a human someone to share this new world with. I am moved in to my new home but it doesn’t quite feel like home yet, something and or someone is missing. I guess God is working on this person for me and I just have to be patient.

My Aunt shared with me a powerful affirmation about situations like I’m in – “it’s just for now.” What I am going through is just for now and I need to learn what I can from it before I try and bring someone else into my life. If I a honest with myself, I am impatient and want God to hurry up! I have to have faith someone will come into my life right on time.

“lonely ” in the English Ordinal system equals 83 – racetrack and or eternity of a yes, no, may be existence

“alone ” in the English Ordinal system equals 47 – left brain all vices in check

“It’s just for now” in the English Ordinal system equals 209 – process of light and shadow self unknown “no” existence

22 November 2020 Blocked Creative Juices

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing? I am doing ok I guess. I am feeling like my creative juices are blocked if that makes any sense. I got so used to everything creative being so easy for me. It was like “You want a unique painting? Here! Done!” “You want a poem you have never heard before?! Done!” “You want a chalk portrait? Done!” Now there is nothing going on at all! It’s like an entire part of my brain is no longer functioning like it once was and it sucks! Is it me or is it medication that is blocking my creativity ?!

The alternative to this problem is being so creative that I’m manic and that’s what was happening before. There doesn’t seem to be a moderate switch on things. I don’t know how to moderate my creativity. When I lived with my husband he was partially my muse. He encouraged me to do the things that I did and now that he’s gone I have to figure out how to inspire myself. Ironically he kept getting me to “create” for myself and I am having to truly do that now! I miss having someone to encourage me like he did.

Let’s look at this in the numbers:

“Blocked Creative Juices” in the English Ordinal system equals 202 (when I see this it makes me think of life and shadow self with the brain in between being examined)

“powerless” in the English Ordinal system equals 132

“creativity ” in the English Ordinal system equals 132

21 October 2020 Finding Happy

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you today? I hope wherever and whenever this finds you that you are happy. As I write that I realize that asking someone to be happy can be a tall order in this world now. People say that all the time, “I just want you to be happy.” Sometimes it takes a big effort just to smile; such has been the case for me for the past few months. The one person in my life that I actually found happiness with decided to move on without me. So now I am having to relearn what it means to be me, to be Jackie, not Kyle and Jackie and it’s hard.

I am having to revisit lessons from my past. My first husband taught me an important lesson about happiness. He said that no one can make you anything – make you happy. This is so hard because it seems like I have been almost programmed that someone else should be the root cause of my happiness. I love to be in love! I have been this way most of my life. It also occurs to me that I have also been someone that has been empty much of my life expecting someone else to fill me up. I was starting to find out what made me happy but it was in conflict with what made husband happy. Experimenting in our kitchen with earth and grass bowls just didn’t appeal to my husband!

So let’s see what the phrase “I just want you to be happy” looks like in the numbers:

“I just want you to be happy” in the English Ordinal system equals 306 (yes, no, may be in the unknown which can be a person, place and or thing, all vices in check but one)

“three zero six” in the English Ordinal system equals 172 (I thought this was neat that “a world” world =72 came up as the very next part of the equation)

“one seven two” in the English Ordinal system equals 157 (one all the senses all vices in check)

“one five seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one the left side of the brain one and 41 = garbage*)

“one four one” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow self in eternity and 28 = man )

“one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (pattern)

*It’s interesting to note that sometimes the quest to be happy makes ALOT of garbage! How many people shop to make themselves and or others happy!