Category: Home

30 September 2020 Shopping for a place to live

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello, how are you you doing today? I am doing ok.  I’m trying to stay in a space of gratitude for my blessings.  I am way better off than a lot of people these days!

So the current leg of my journey involves finding a place to live in a boom state.  What I mean by that is I moved to a state that is booming with growth as people from expensive places like California move here.  There is a shortage of low income housing.  Farmland is being sold to home developers that aren’t building houses for single occupants.

So pickings are pretty slim and I can’t see myself renting a home for nearly twice what I was paying for a mortgage. I have been trying to avoid the apartment option because I have had such bad luck in the past living in them.  Noise has been the primary complaint.  Moving into an apartment with a dog that barks at just about everything would be horrible for both of us.   I have to have faith that the right place is going to be there for us we just have to be patient.

“Shopping for a place to live ” in the English Ordinal system equals 264 (light and shadow of self process all vices in check but one for right side of brain)

two six four” in the English Ordinal system equals 170 (one all vices in check for unknown person, place and or object)

one seven zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 163 (one all vices in check but one for a yes, no, may be process)

“one six three” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side of the brain process of light and shadow of self)

“one four two” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all the senses engaged process of light and shadow self)

“one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be right side of the brain)

“one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all the senses engaged for unknown person, place and or object)

“one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one right side of the brain for unknow person, place and or object)

“one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all the senses engaged in eternity and or race track of life)

“one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow of self process with all the senses engaged)

“one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (pattern repeats)

 

Just curious:

“boom town” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 (two parts of self separated all vices in check)

“one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one yes, no, maybe, yes, no may be self)

“one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side brain all vices in check but one)

 

15 September 2020 Closing Together

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Uncategorized, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you it’s morning yet here as I write.  As I look out my bedroom window, it is ashen gray and the sun is trying to shine.   It’s been like this for days now.  The air quality alert is red so I don’t plan on being outside much today.

Today is the official closing date on us selling our house.  Yesterday they sent out a mobile notary.  I was grateful they did that so I could sign the documents and get them back to Texas today for my husband to sign.  It was all bittersweet.  I am even having trouble writing about it right now.   I wish we had been able to do the closing together but that’s the past.

Like the ending of our marriage, this is anti-climactic and is just happening .  Our marriage happened,  We bought a house and lived in it for 12 years.  We made lots of memories together and I don’t want to just act like nothing happened.  All this said, to keep myself from losing my shit inside, I have to in a way act like nothing is happening.  A part of me wonders if this is what my husband has had to do too so he doesn’t lose it.

“closing” in the English Ordinal system equals 79 (all vices in check in a no cycle)

“together” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no cycle for eternity and or racetrack of life)

I have to believe that all of this has been happening for a reason and everything is going be ok for both of us.

12 September 2020 Today

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I hope from whenever and wherever  you are you are having a good today,

I had a couple of interesting dreams last night.  One of them was of seeing Princess Diana in a wedding veil and telling her she could stay, whatever that meant.  The other dream had to do with former President Ronald Reagan and getting car keys from him but instead of getting a car there were beds with numbers on them.

Today is my cousins’ sons wedding and we are having an orange level air quality day. I hope it clears up for them.  The sky is gray, like clouds are in the sky, but it smells like burning! I made my final decision about whether I was going to the wedding or not and I have decided not to go.  I just want the day to be about them and their happiness.  I can’t stop thinking about my own stuff and how I feel about it.   In my minds eye,  I keep seeing myself in black dress looking like I did when I married my ex but alone.  I miss my ex-husband very much and am having trouble moving on without him.  When I think about things I feel like I am being pulled apart   !

“today” in the English Ordinal system equals 65 (all vices in check but one for all the 5 senses)

(“white” in the English Ordinal system equals 65)

“one two September two zero two zero ” in the English Ordinal system equals 439 (left side of brain yes, no, may be, no existence” and ironically my name 39 is in here)

these values above made me think of yin and yang :

Yin and Yang

Yin and Yang
In Ancient Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (/jɪn/ and; Chinese: 陰陽 yīnyáng, lit. “dark-bright”, “negative-positive”) is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. In Chinese cosmology, the universe creates itself out of a primary chaos of material energy, organized into the cycles of Yin and Yang and formed into objects and lives. Yin is the receptive and Yang the active principle, seen in all forms of change and difference such as the annual cycle (winter and summer), the landscape (north-facing shade and south-facing brightness), sexual coupling (female and male), the formation of both women and men as characters and sociopolitical history (disorder and order).

 

9 September 2020 Getting to the core

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing?  I am having another day without having a Coca Cola as part of my routine and I can tell.  Is this why I’m having another day of feeling “off?”   I have to be my own personal Sherlock Holmes it seems when trying to figure out why one day isn’t like another.   Why one day I will feel like I can handle just about anything and others where a leaf landing on my head could tip me over!

I’ve been talking with people who are like me.  A lot of what we do is this super-sleuthing, digging through what can be construed as a shit pile of a life for core reasons for what is happening.  I can’t dig too much and or ruminate without becoming practically paralyzed by what surfaces.  For example our family is about to experience a wedding and I have decided not to go because I know it’s a trigger.

This upcoming wedding triggers thoughts of my own wedding and I keep seeing flashes of our wedding pictures in my minds-eye.   I keep seeing my ex and how handsome and sweet he was…how happy we were.  I know that my wedding and the  subsequent failure of our marriage is at the core of why I’m having trouble with my cousins’ son getting married.  A pessimistic self has emerged that asks questions like why even bother with marriage.

So what I have excavated is a trigger to my core and I don’t want it to ruin me or taint anyone around me.

“trigger” in the English Ordinal system equals 84 (ironically my ex was born in 1984)

“core” in the English Ordinal system equals 41

“money” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

“world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

“marriage” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

3 September 2020 What I used to do and mindfulness

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello there how are you?  Hopefully good as you visit me here.  Thank you in advance for taking the time to come by and read.  I am settling down after a nice walk and talk with my therapist  .

So the topic that came to mind today was thinking about what I used to do that made me happy and or occupied my time.  There were a whole bunch of things like doing chalk drawings outside, writing, drawing and making copper wire jewelry and or wire trees.  Sometimes there was crocheting and or knitting.  Sometimes there was singing and dancing.  Sometimes there was watching videos on Youtube and or binge watching shows on Netflix. Only a handful of these activities have felt remotely “right” to do in this new life I am living in.   A lot of the reason I have stopped doing things is for fear they would trigger another manic episode.

2 Sept 2020 wire tree pendant

My counselor and I talked today and one of the subjects we touched on was mindfulness.  I told her I often struggle with being able to stay in the moment.  She gave an example of the difference.  It was being on a walk and seeing a tree and being able to describe the tree with specific details instead of just saying “there is a tree.”

I miss my trees back in Alvarado.   I haven’t really gotten to know the tree here in the same way I did there. I wish I had taken some seeds from the oak tree, Yolie, in the front yard,

“mindfulness” in the English Ordinal system equals 136 (one yes, no may be all vices in check but one 36= child)

“one three six” in the English Ordinal system equals 142 (one left side brain light and shadow self process 42=self)

“one four two ” in the English Ordinal system equals 152 (one all senses light and shadow self process)

one five two” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes no may be right side of the brain 134=information)

“one three four” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses person place and or object 150=communication )

“one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side of the brain person, place and or object 40=food)

“one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or race track of life)

“one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self all senses)

“one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (pattern repeats)

 

,,

25 August 2020 Just Friends

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you ?  I hope this finds you doing well in your wherever and whenever.   The topic that has come to mind lately is friendship.  When you are divorced and or single this word comes up quite a bit.  There are some phrases that come up like, “let’s just be friends,” “can’t we just be friends” ” friends but not lovers.”  Isn’t there even a song about it?!

A big part of this, I think, has to do with healing after being broken.  The not jumping back into something and or someone too fast.  That said, the thought of this friendship process kind of puts me off a bit.  How long should it take or is there any rules?

I have been using a dating site Match.com just to put myself back out there.  I have had a couple of hits.  Both of them are ending up in the friend zone because I am still healing.

So what does all this say in the numbers; lets see:

“friendship” in the English Ordinal system equals 108 (one unknown object in eternity process)

“one zero eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 147 (one left part of brain all vices in check)

one four seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 159 (one all senses in no process)

“one five nine ” in the English Ordinal system equals 118 (one in one eternity process)

“one one eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 ( one in one all vices in check)

“one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one in yes, no, may be yes, no, may be process)

“one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one left side of brain, all vices in check but one process)

The way this reads has been kind of my experience with male to female friendships so far.  It usually ends up not having all vices in check!  Usually the one that isn’t in check is lust lol.

“friend zone” in the English Ordinal system equals 116 (one in one all vices in check but one)

“one one six” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one in light and shadow of self with known and or unknown object)

“one two zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 156  (one all senses all vices in check but one)

“one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one in light and shadow of self with eternity )

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141  (one in left side of brain one self )

 

 

22 August 2020 Privacy, Security and Alone

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Uncategorized, Veteran Affairs

Hello to you it’s Saturday how are you doing?  I hope things are going well for you .  I have had a significant change to my lifestyle moving in with my aunt and uncle.  I don’t have privacy like I used to have but I do have security and I am not alone .  I am grateful for the change because for a couple of months I was living a strange existence nearly completely alone! Thank goodness I had Link.   As much as quarantine sucks, it is like security by definition in the numbers!  I was surprised by that.

In looking at a couple key words it’s interesting to see how closely they match the actual definition of the words:

“privacy” in the English Ordinal system equals 94 (no process, right side of brain)

“nine four” in the English Ordinal system equals 102 (one object in a light and shadow process of self)

“one zero two” in the English Ordinal system equals 156 (one sensory all he vices in check but one)”

“one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow process of self in eternity)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left brain process for one)

 

“security” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one light and shadow process of self with unknown)

“one two zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 156 (one sensory all he vices in check but one)”

“one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow process of self in eternity)

one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one left brain process for one)

(“quarantine ” in the English Ordinal system equals 120)

 

“alone” in the English Ordinal system equals 47 (left side of the brain all vices in check)

“four seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process of self with the senses)

 

 

 

 

 

 

14 August 2020 Overwhelmed

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you it’s Friday.  Another week has ended.  I hope this finds you well wherever and whenever you are.  I am feeling a bit overwhelmed to be honest.  Yesterday we both got our house on the market and a bid all at once.  There were lots of digital documents to sign and I didn’t even know what I’m signing.  The asking price is $200,000 and the bid $195,000.  When I initially thought about selling the house it was to sell it “as is” so anything above what we paid is a bonus.

I like things to be simple and uncomplicated and something like this can be overwhelming for me.  Thank goodness I have cousins in real estate and friends that are willing to to talk to me to help me get through this.

“overwhelmed” in the English Ordinal system equals 130 (one, yes no may be process, with the unknown)

“selling a home” in the English Ordinal system equals 120 (one, light and shadow process, with the unknown)

“selling your home” in the English Ordinal system equals 198 (one, no process with eternity and or racetrack of life)

“anxiety ” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (interesting how anxiety’s numeric value is in selling your home)

 

10 August 2020 Going to the Pool

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Money, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you wherever and whenever you are.  It’s evening here and I just wanted to take a moment to write.  How was your day?  Well my day was about pushing through another few feet through the twelve year mountain in front of me.  Kyle and I were married twelve years and that is a lot of time and memories to push through anytime I get ready to do something.

The way my mind works is through associations.  For example today my cousin invited my Aunt, Uncle and I to their place to enjoy the benefits of their golf club membership.  It should have been no big deal to just say yes but it was.  My cousins daughter is dating a young man named Kyle!  So with that name is the association of my Kyle and how we used to go over and use his parents pool quite a bit during the hot Texas summers.  I miss seeing his beautiful hair in the sunlight.

Anyways, today I was getting hot flashes of anxiety just thinking about going.   Then my Aunt and I talked about it and decided to go.  Well I’m glad I did even if it was difficult at times.  I got to meet the other Kyle and he’s nothing like mine was. We ended up having a nice time even if  there was some sensory overload.  Like I told my cousin, being there with them like that was something I hadn’t done in a really long time.

Kyle and I were experts at talking ourselves out of doing things. If he and I were still together, I don’t know if I would have gone over there.  In Texas, everything we could do involved us having to drive a long ways and spend money once we got there.  Kyle was more about buying a video game and staying home then going out to do things.  I enabled his social anxiety and he enabled me in his ways.  We lived a pretty isolated life the last few years.  I don’t know if it was he was embarrassed of me or if he had social anxiety too.

I guess I will never know because we never got real closure on our divorce like I wanted.  Truth is it wouldn’t of mattered what he said or we said it wouldn’t have been enough.  I didn’t want the divorce and still have feelings for him that I’m working through.  I do a lot of crying.   Like I said, twelve years of a mutual life is a lot to get through.  But I know God has a plan and gradually it is being revealed.  I just have to keep as my friend says, feeling the fear but going forward anyways.

“Going to the Pool” in the English Ordinal system equals 178 (for one, all vices in check on the racetrack of life)

 

2 Aug 2020 Absence

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you visitor.  It has been a long time since I have blogged here.  I just haven’t felt like writing.  I got encouraged to write by a dear friend so I am trying.  So many pieces of my life I have yet to reclaim since the divorce started and my moving to Idaho.  I still can’t really watch too much tv, movies, listen to music and or sing,  read much of anything and my hobbies are all on the backburner.  Everything I used to do was part of the episode just before I went into the hospital this last time.  So my life, as my dear friend describes, is very constricted.

Another part of all this is I still feel love for my husband who has divorced me.   Everything makes me think of him! Today we went to a park that had water features and a rose garden with a steam engine train and I immediately associated all of it with my husband.  I broke down into tears. Thankfully I was with my friend and she made it safe for me to express my feelings.  Towards the end of our time together things got ugly but before that there were so many good times.  What’s happened to me is like processing a death and it’s painful.

Another thing that keeps happening is feeling like I am in two places at once.  Part of of me is here and part of me is still back in Alvarado.  So much happened there!  Kyle and I loved and lost four of our pets there in addition to so many other memories.  I grew very fond of the trees and plants in the yard.  I didn’t think I would miss them but I do.  It will take time and some day I will have my own place again and a friend suggested plants and therapy.

Link has adjusted to our new home better than I have!  Life is much simpler for a dog than us dumb humans and all our memories and baggage!

My coping mechanisms of walking and talking still are working.  I also chat yet and that helps some.  Gradually I will reclaim my life and thank God I don’t have to do it alone.

 

“ABSENCE” in the English Ordinal system equals 49

“four nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 102

“one zero two” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

“one five six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

“one two eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 141