10 August 2020 Going to the Pool

Hello to you wherever and whenever you are.  It’s evening here and I just wanted to take a moment to write.  How was your day?  Well my day was about pushing through another few feet through the twelve year mountain in front of me.  Kyle and I were married twelve years and that is a lot of time and memories to push through anytime I get ready to do something.

The way my mind works is through associations.  For example today my cousin invited my Aunt, Uncle and I to their place to enjoy the benefits of their golf club membership.  It should have been no big deal to just say yes but it was.  My cousins daughter is dating a young man named Kyle!  So with that name is the association of my Kyle and how we used to go over and use his parents pool quite a bit during the hot Texas summers.  I miss seeing his beautiful hair in the sunlight.

Anyways, today I was getting hot flashes of anxiety just thinking about going.   Then my Aunt and I talked about it and decided to go.  Well I’m glad I did even if it was difficult at times.  I got to meet the other Kyle and he’s nothing like mine was. We ended up having a nice time even if  there was some sensory overload.  Like I told my cousin, being there with them like that was something I hadn’t done in a really long time.

Kyle and I were experts at talking ourselves out of doing things. If he and I were still together, I don’t know if I would have gone over there.  In Texas, everything we could do involved us having to drive a long ways and spend money once we got there.  Kyle was more about buying a video game and staying home then going out to do things.  I enabled his social anxiety and he enabled me in his ways.  We lived a pretty isolated life the last few years.  I don’t know if it was he was embarrassed of me or if he had social anxiety too.

I guess I will never know because we never got real closure on our divorce like I wanted.  Truth is it wouldn’t of mattered what he said or we said it wouldn’t have been enough.  I didn’t want the divorce and still have feelings for him that I’m working through.  I do a lot of crying.   Like I said, twelve years of a mutual life is a lot to get through.  But I know God has a plan and gradually it is being revealed.  I just have to keep as my friend says, feeling the fear but going forward anyways.

Going to the Pool” in the English Ordinal system equals 178 (for one, all vices in check on the racetrack of life)


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