Category: Health

31 August 2020 What is helpful and what is harmful

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello and how are you ? I hope you are doing o.k.  I have been having one of those mornings where everything is a raw nerve.  I decided to focus on what was more helpful than harmful.  What do I want versus what I don’t.

I want to wake up each day grateful to be alive.  I want to be able to listen to music, watch television and or movies again without fear of an anxiety attack.  I want to be able to socialize with people again without fear.  I want to be able to be myself without being ashamed.

There are many other things I am thinking I want but that would just be wishful thinking and that would be more harmful than helpful ,  I didn’t break these down to the  patterns point.  I thought it was interesting there is just one number different between the two!

“What is helpful and what is harmful” in the English Ordinal system equals 338 (when I saw this I immediately saw the=33 balance=38)

“helpful” in the English Ordinal system equals 80 (eternity and or racetrack of life up against an person, place and or object)

“eight zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 113 (one one yes, no, may be existence)

“one one three” in the English Ordinal system equals 124 (one light and shadow self right side of the brain)

 

“harmful” in the English Ordinal system equals 79 (all vices in check in a “no” existence)

“seven nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 107 (one person, place or object all vices in check)

“one zero seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 163 (one all vices in check but one in a yes, no, may be existence)

26 August 2020 Medication and Development

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Uncategorized, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you today.  How are you? I sincerely hope wherever and whenever you are visiting life is treating you well.

As for me…well….I wish I could say I am doing great! Fantastic! I am all better!  Such is not the case every morning.  Ever since I left the hospital 27 April of this year I have been changed.  I am trying to move forward and move on with so may things.  I would never of imagined then that I would be in my Aunts house writing this now.

My medication is a big part of what is going on for me.  Some times it feels like it isn’t working at all and other days I can’t imagine being without it!  Being bipolar affects me on so many levels.  Some days, some moments I feel like I could handle just about anything and then just one minor blip and nope can’t handle anything.  I find myself grasping about for someone….anyone to talk to so I can work through what I am feeling.

Looking at medication as a number and patterns it’s pretty interesting how accurate it is at describing the process:

“medication” in the English Ordinal system equals 93 (ironically my short name in the numbers, Jackie = 39! no yes, no, may be process)

“nine three” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no in eternity and or racetrack of life)

“nine eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 91 (no for one also this number is spirit)

“nine one” in the English Ordinal system equals 76 (all vices in check and all vices in check but one and it’s my maiden name!)

“seven six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 117 ( two separate ones of self all vices in check)

“one one seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 133 (one in a yes, no may be and yes, no may be process)

“one three three” in the English Ordinal system equals 146 (one right side of the brain all vices in check but one)

Thinking of development and change. Something I have noticed since moving here to Idaho is growth.  A lot of farmers seem to be selling their land to housing developers.  I am just going to look at the phrase housing development:

“housing development” in the English Ordinal system equals 224 (light and shadow self process of self with light and shadow process of self with right side of the brain)

“two two four” in the English Ordinal system equals 176 (one all vices in check with all vices in the check but one)

one seven six” in the English Ordinal system equals 151 (one all senses of one)

“one five one” in the English Ordinal system equals 110 (one in one with object)

“one one zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 132 (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

“one three two” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one left side brain in eternity and or racetrack of life)

one four eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 143 (one left side brain in yes, no may be process)

“one four three” in the English Ordinal system equals 150 (one all senses and object)

“one five zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 140 (one left side brain and object)

“one four zero” in the English Ordinal system equals 158 (one all senses in eternity and or racetrack of life)

“one five eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one in light and shadow of self all senses)

“one two five” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be with right side of brain)

 

“farming ” in the English Ordinal system equals 68  (all vices in check but one in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68)

“six eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 101 (one object in the center one )

“one zero one ” in the English Ordinal system equals 132  (one with yes, no, may be with light and shadow of self)

 

“farm” in the English Ordinal system equals 38 (yes, no may be in eternity and or racetrack of life)

(“balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38)

 

“world” in the English Ordinal system equals 72 (all vices in check with the light and shadow of self process )

(“money ” in the English Ordinal system equals 72)

 

(pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony, and sloth,  – these are the vices I am thinking of )

 

 

 

 

 

19 August 2020 Communication

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, technology, trust, Veteran Affairs

Hello to you.  How are you doing today?  I am doing better than I was a few minutes ago. Mornings are really rough for me.  I keep having feelings like I’m being pulled apart inside and it’s a horrible feeling.  So what I do is go back my bedroom and do stuff like this and it kind of helps keep me from pulling apart completely.

Communication is helpful.  I am starting to understand why people are addicted to their cell phones and other electronic devices.  If it’s like for me, it’s a lifeline to the world.  My cell phone and laptop help get me out of myself and connected with others so I don’t feel so alone. I never used to be this bad about being alone until I came out of the hospital this last time.

Decided to run a couple things through the gematria calculator got interesting results:  ridingthebeast.com

“communication is important” in the English Ordinal system equals 304 (yes no may be in the unknown for the brain) also another way to look at it is one with brain in between.

“electronic devices help with loneliness” in the English Ordinal system equals 396 (yes no may be with no process of all vices in check but one).

electronic devices help with communication” in the English Ordinal system equals 422(brain process process) also self(42) process.

“communication by talking to another human being is helpful” in the English Ordinal system equals 569 (why people).  why” in the English Ordinal system equals 56 “people” in the English Ordinal system equals 69

“Nomophobia” in the English ordinal system equals 108 (one unknown in eternity and or the race track of life) I also look at zero as an object that the numbers surround if that makes sense.

Drawing I did recently sorry it’s hard to see 

Nomophobia –

Wikipedia icon

Wikipedia

Nomophobia is a humorous word for the fear of, or anxiety caused by, not having a working mobile phone. It has been considered as a symptom or syndrome of problematic digital media use in mental health, the definitions of which are not standardized.

6 August 2020 Resistance

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Uncategorized, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you.  How are you?  I hope you are well.  The word that came up today is resistance.  I have been resisting some things because a part of me doesn’t want to believe this is my life now the way that it is.

“resistance” in the English Ordinal system equals 113 and look at that it’s a 13 in there!  I was born on 13 February!

The biggest thing I have been resisting is the fact, and it is a fact, that I am a not a guest here in Idaho and I’m not going back to Texas.  It’s simply my reality now.  My stuff is in a storage unit here and the rest of my belongings to include Link are with me here in Idaho.   I’m not going back. I really can’t go back.  Once the house is sold that’s it for me and Texas.  There are so many memories to overlay with new memories.

I can tell when I am resisting because I get hot flashes and also feel like I am being split into two parts.  I don’t want to keep feeling this way so I have redirect my thoughts to the present moment.

Does any of this resonate with someone else?  I hope that some or all of what I’m sharing helps someone else as much as it helps me to write about it.

5 August 2020 Surreality

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello and good morning to you wherever and whenever you visiting me here.  How are you?  I am kind of in a weird space right now which I’m calling surreality.   It’s the funny place you are in when you are in between reality and not really feeling things are real yet.

For most of the time I have been here at my Aunt and Uncles place things have felt like surreality.  The biggest reason being that I am still tethered back in Alvarado with the house and memories.  A part of me has been resisting the move and keeps wanting me to go back.  I know I can’t now with all that has happened or if I tried it would be extremely difficult!  I have to move forward now and I am not sure what that will look like,

I have to take each moment as it comes and hope it’s better than the last.  I have made a ‘ll new friend I am meeting Saturday and I’m nervous about it but hoping it will be worth both of our whiles.  I need to make more memories in my present so I can start putting the past behind me and stop feeling like I am being pulled apart.

 

“surreality” in the English Ordinal system equals 148 (one brain process in eternity and or on the race track of life)

“God has a plan” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (together=98)

4 Aug 2020 It’s hard to practice what you preach

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are,  Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it!  So I decided to write a bit.  The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.

For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog.  When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently.  I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface.  So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.

I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.”  For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work  She described herself as training wheels for me.  What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know.  They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person.  I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!

Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past.  At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day.  As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!

I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of  it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse.  For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.

“Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)

“two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

“one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive.  This includes food and drink.  I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing.  I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.

Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone.  I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.

 

 

2 Aug 2020 Absence

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you visitor.  It has been a long time since I have blogged here.  I just haven’t felt like writing.  I got encouraged to write by a dear friend so I am trying.  So many pieces of my life I have yet to reclaim since the divorce started and my moving to Idaho.  I still can’t really watch too much tv, movies, listen to music and or sing,  read much of anything and my hobbies are all on the backburner.  Everything I used to do was part of the episode just before I went into the hospital this last time.  So my life, as my dear friend describes, is very constricted.

Another part of all this is I still feel love for my husband who has divorced me.   Everything makes me think of him! Today we went to a park that had water features and a rose garden with a steam engine train and I immediately associated all of it with my husband.  I broke down into tears. Thankfully I was with my friend and she made it safe for me to express my feelings.  Towards the end of our time together things got ugly but before that there were so many good times.  What’s happened to me is like processing a death and it’s painful.

Another thing that keeps happening is feeling like I am in two places at once.  Part of of me is here and part of me is still back in Alvarado.  So much happened there!  Kyle and I loved and lost four of our pets there in addition to so many other memories.  I grew very fond of the trees and plants in the yard.  I didn’t think I would miss them but I do.  It will take time and some day I will have my own place again and a friend suggested plants and therapy.

Link has adjusted to our new home better than I have!  Life is much simpler for a dog than us dumb humans and all our memories and baggage!

My coping mechanisms of walking and talking still are working.  I also chat yet and that helps some.  Gradually I will reclaim my life and thank God I don’t have to do it alone.

 

“ABSENCE” in the English Ordinal system equals 49

“four nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 102

“one zero two” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

“one five six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

“one two eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

 

14 June 2020 Walk and Talk

by saymber, posted in Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you.  How are you today?  I am doing better than I was doing this morning.  Sometimes mornings are hard for me.  I have been trying to sleep without a sleep aid and so far have been kind of successful.

Something that seems to help me with anxiety the most lately, and I realize I have mentioned it before,  is the combined activity of walking and talking at the same time .  My family gives me a call and I take them on a walk with me, “Hello?  Wait a minute, let me get on my shoes.”  So my neighbors have become accustomed to seeing me out with my cell phone while I walk.  The magic number for time is about 40 minutes or less.  Depending on how hot it is, sometimes it can just be a walk around the block but it helps.

“walk and talk” in the English Ordinal system equals 110

“purpose” in the English Ordinal system equals 110

 

 

 

8 June 2020 Anxiety control

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you.  I haven’t written in a few days.  I have been hesitant to write because I am trying to keep my anxiety under control.  Also I have been sharing my posts on Facebook and I am now trying to stay off of there! Even  my transition care manager that called me today said he’s been taking time off of Facebook right now.

Tomorrow I have a phone call with my doctor so I can let him know everything that has been going on in the anxiety department and hopefully he will have something he can prescribe for me to take as needed to help me.  I don’t want to be on anti-anxiety meds forever just something mild to help take the edge off of what I’m going through right now.  Something else that has been working is doing a walk and talk with family on the cell phone. The combination of walking and talking seems to help.

My poor family that has been trying to hold my hand through this is all long distance right now.  They are doing their best to help me.  Their phone calls really help – they usually end up going on a walk with me!

1 June 2020 Anxiety and hot laptop

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Home, Mental Health, technology, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello.  I haven’t written in a couple of days.  I was fortunate this weekend and my neighbors decided to have a garage sale.  I was able to sell several things and they gave me the money for it  Now we don’t have to worry about the king mattress being at the curb or a couple other things.  It was so nice of them to allow me to see some things in their sale.  My husband and his dad came by on Saturday to get some the last of his things out of the house.  I was happy to see them and so was Link but sad for the reason.  Link howled like crazy again after they left.  The noises Link was making is what I was feeling but not expressing inside.   I did manage to get him calmed down after a walk and a Skype session with my cousins wife which soothed us both.

Sometimes you just need a friend!

I can feel myself resisting what is happening with this separation/pending divorce/home sale/moving process even though I’m doing the next right things.  I have been fighting with myself inside a lot.  All of this is provoking a lot of anxiety.  I’m starting to wonder if I don’t need to talk to my doctor about an anti-anxiety as needed medication.  I don’t want to be one of those people who pops pills for everything but I think I may need to about this.  When I start t feel those feelings I don’t want to do anything but go crawl into bed!

I wish I could be like Link express myself and move on and not ruminate – just grab one of my toys and play and not be trapped in emotions!

The toy I do grab that helps some is my laptop it’s a DELL Inspiron 15 3000. The only problem is it gets so hot when I want to play video games on it.  Very disappointing.  So I mainly can use it for chatting and stuff like this.  I should have know better.

As always thank you for stopping by and reading.  I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.