20 Feb 2021 Getting up

by saymber, posted in Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello, how are you you doing today? I am finally getting up and engaging in the day. It’s so hard for me to do that and it never used to be. I used to be able to get up in the morning no problem. There was a routine and it just flowed. Now that I am alone with Link I am having to figure out a new routine and even after all these months, I’m still having trouble.

There is an anxiety inside of me first thing in the morning. What am I going to do with my day? Does it even matter if I get up? What is my purpose and or reason for getting up – do I even have one? Some people pray and or meditate. Some people get up and go to the gym and or exercise. The most that really gets me up these days is letting Link outside to go to the bathroom!

Lets see what Getting up looks like in the number numbers:

“getting up ” in the English Ordinal system equals 119 – just by looking at this number is looks like a struggle of the inside and outside of self with a “no” existence.

19 Feb 2021 Filling the Void

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good morning to you how are you? I hope this finds you well. Have you ever felt like something is missing in your life and no matter what you do you can’t seem to fill it. A huge void, That is what it’s like to be me this past year. I have tried people, places, food and things and nothing has worked to fill the void. I have known from past experiences that there is only one thing that can fill the intangible void and that is God, Source, Spirit, Universe…..the intangible “I am.”

I have written about this many times in my life; usually to try and console someone else! I was writing from a place of having. I had a husband who loved me, I had a house of my dreams and I wasn’t wanting for much of anything. It was easy to write about all of this then and now I am writing from the other end of spectrum – chronic loneliness and wanting ….not having.

How do solitaries do it?! How do people live without anything tangible?! How do I learn to live where an intangible God is enough? I long so much for a hug, a kiss, a face to face word each and every day and there is none to be had. I pray to God and ask for their presence and I find myself greeted by a dog when I want to be greeted by a man.

All I can think is there is something God is trying to teach me and until I learn it, I will be alone in the intangible void that is me right now.

Let’s see what Filling the Void is in the numbers:

“earth” in the English Ordinal system equals 52

“Filling the Void” in the English Ordinal system equals 152

18 Feb 2021 Starting over

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you it’s been awhile since I’ve written you here. I have been keeping kind of busy with starting my life over. The thing that is missing is romance but the powers that be may not think I’m ready for such a thing yet . It seems like this time I am in is about being alone and trying to heal even though I don’t want to . I am missing companionship so bad! I am chronically lonely. Thank goodness for the telephone as I have family and friends that I talk to there.

/I celebrated my 53rd birthday for the first time with my cousin who was born on the same day this past week, I hope I get to live to enjoy and celebrate many more birthdays you just don’t know these days.

I’m glad I’m not living in Texas anymore with the recent weather events going on there. The pipes in our old house apparently froze! I’m grateful to be living someplace that is used to colder temperatures.

Ironically the phrase starting over is a 68 which is “planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68 and minus one number the year I was born . A whole world within a world was created when I was born.

“starting over” in the English Ordinal system equals 168 – I was born in 1968!

7 January 2021 Life Purpose

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Bipolar life, drawing, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, photography, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you out there as you visit me here. How are you? I am trying to recover from what life has been throwing at me. I still haven’t heard from my insurance company as to whether or not they plan to total my car or repair it.

Today I had a telephone appointment with my therapist and she has given me a grand assignment. The assignment is to find my life’s purpose and I have no clue how to persue that! It feels like each time I have felt like I have found my life’s purpose, something has happened and or not happened and I am left searching again. I mean I’ve done drawing, writing, painting , photography, experiments, volunteer work . I have really tried a bunch of stuff. I feel like a blank slate now and totally clueless as to what I should be doing now. So to get such an assignment, I feel overwhelmed. Something from my past I have considered going back to is painting. How that worked best was an almost commission type arrangement. Someone would approach me to paint and the money paid would go towards supplies to make the painting.

I wonder what the numbers say about some of this:

“finding a life purpose ” in the English Ordinal system equals 206 (ironically 26 is God, game, lie in the numbers. Also process of light and shadow self with unknown all vices in check but one)

“painting ” in the English Ordinal system equals 90 (ironically spirit is also 90)

“blank slate” in the English Ordinal system equals 97 (weakness is also 97)

“reclaiming your life” in the English Ordinal system equals 202

I’m sure God has some kind of purpose for me I just don’t know what it is right now. I am hoping more human companionship will be part of it. I have found myself chronically lonely!

29 December 2020 Wrecked…Divine Timing

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you in your here and now as you visit me here. I haven’t written in a couple of days as I have had a lot going on like getting in to a car wreck on Christmas day! Thankfully the other driver, Link and myself weren’t seriously injured.

For many years I have talked about something called divine timing. When I was with my husband we noticed that if we were going somewhere and there was a delay, there usually was a reason. Sometimes we would stop so he could go to the bathroom and when we got back on the road there would be an accident at the approximate place we would have been.

Well on Christmas day I was supposed to leave my aunt and uncles at 4pm but I decided to leave a few minutes earlier and it was in the few minutes in which I met up with a driver who failed to yield at the stop sign. When I think of those moments it’s like everything is moving in slow motion . I stepped on my brakes so hard hoping it was going to be enough to keep us from getting into an accident,

Currently my car is being tested and evaluated to see if they can repair it which is my hope. I have a rental car but am so reluctant to drive it. Yesterday I didn’t want to get out of bed. I have to drive again otherwise I will be stranded. I was just starting to get my confidence up about driving and then this happens. I find myself asking God why?? Was this just some random occurrence or what does God want to to teach me?

I find myself wanting someone to hold on to going through this. I feel so vulnerable and alone . I have family and friends that have helped me and they text, call and visit but it’s never enough. I miss having someone who supports and loves me all the time. May be this is a a test for for me to try and stand on my own which I haven’t done without being married.

“christmas car accident” in the English Ordinal system equals 191

“spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 91

16 December 2020 – Alone or Lonely

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello! How are you in your where and when? I am sitting here with Link feeling a little lonely. Someone recently said there is a difference between being alone versus being lonely. I am with Link so therefore I am only lonely whereas if I didn’t have Link to keep me company I would be alone. I am so grateful for Link!

While I am grateful for having Links’s company, I really miss having a human someone to share this new world with. I am moved in to my new home but it doesn’t quite feel like home yet, something and or someone is missing. I guess God is working on this person for me and I just have to be patient.

My Aunt shared with me a powerful affirmation about situations like I’m in – “it’s just for now.” What I am going through is just for now and I need to learn what I can from it before I try and bring someone else into my life. If I a honest with myself, I am impatient and want God to hurry up! I have to have faith someone will come into my life right on time.

“lonely ” in the English Ordinal system equals 83 – racetrack and or eternity of a yes, no, may be existence

“alone ” in the English Ordinal system equals 47 – left brain all vices in check

“It’s just for now” in the English Ordinal system equals 209 – process of light and shadow self unknown “no” existence

22 November 2020 Blocked Creative Juices

by saymber, posted in Art and Poetry, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing? I am doing ok I guess. I am feeling like my creative juices are blocked if that makes any sense. I got so used to everything creative being so easy for me. It was like “You want a unique painting? Here! Done!” “You want a poem you have never heard before?! Done!” “You want a chalk portrait? Done!” Now there is nothing going on at all! It’s like an entire part of my brain is no longer functioning like it once was and it sucks! Is it me or is it medication that is blocking my creativity ?!

The alternative to this problem is being so creative that I’m manic and that’s what was happening before. There doesn’t seem to be a moderate switch on things. I don’t know how to moderate my creativity. When I lived with my husband he was partially my muse. He encouraged me to do the things that I did and now that he’s gone I have to figure out how to inspire myself. Ironically he kept getting me to “create” for myself and I am having to truly do that now! I miss having someone to encourage me like he did.

Let’s look at this in the numbers:

“Blocked Creative Juices” in the English Ordinal system equals 202 (when I see this it makes me think of life and shadow self with the brain in between being examined)

“powerless” in the English Ordinal system equals 132

“creativity ” in the English Ordinal system equals 132

6 Nov 2020 Election Day

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, history, In the News, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you and how are you? It’s been a couple days since I have written again. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly the days slip past me this time of year.

The subject that has me preoccupied right now is the election. I didn’t get my absentee ballot requested fast enough so I didn’t get to vote. God must have known I couldn’t make up my mind on who to vote for. I have been following live feeds on Youtube. It seems like Joe Biden is winning but there is nothing official yet. May the best man win.

May the doors that need to open, open. May the doors that need to shut, shut. Amen”” in the English Ordinal system equals 779 (all the vices in check for a no process)

I decided to see what election day came up to in the numbers:

“election day” in the English Ordinal system equals 113 (of course a 13) (one one yes, no, may be)

29 October 2020 Changing with the changes

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello and good morning to you. How are you today as you visit me here? I am gradually adjusting to all the changes going on in my life. Sometimes it is difficult to adjust to a bunch of change all at once which has been the case for me. I have moved to another part of the country, am living without my husband and have been living with family I have never lived with before. I am having to do a lot of “letting go and letting God.”

Once again my chameleon tattoo comes into into play. A chameleon has to adapt to their surroundings. I am having to do a lot of changing with the changes. Lets see what it comes to in the numbers:

“changing with the changes” in the English Ordinal system equals 213 (ironically my birth month and date! Light and shadow process for one in a yes, no, may be existence. If you add everything up the number is cyclic in nature.

“Letting go and Let God” in the English Ordinal system equals 191 (one divided by “No”)

“spirit” in the English Ordinal system equals 91

21 October 2020 Finding Happy

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you today? I hope wherever and whenever this finds you that you are happy. As I write that I realize that asking someone to be happy can be a tall order in this world now. People say that all the time, “I just want you to be happy.” Sometimes it takes a big effort just to smile; such has been the case for me for the past few months. The one person in my life that I actually found happiness with decided to move on without me. So now I am having to relearn what it means to be me, to be Jackie, not Kyle and Jackie and it’s hard.

I am having to revisit lessons from my past. My first husband taught me an important lesson about happiness. He said that no one can make you anything – make you happy. This is so hard because it seems like I have been almost programmed that someone else should be the root cause of my happiness. I love to be in love! I have been this way most of my life. It also occurs to me that I have also been someone that has been empty much of my life expecting someone else to fill me up. I was starting to find out what made me happy but it was in conflict with what made husband happy. Experimenting in our kitchen with earth and grass bowls just didn’t appeal to my husband!

So let’s see what the phrase “I just want you to be happy” looks like in the numbers:

“I just want you to be happy” in the English Ordinal system equals 306 (yes, no, may be in the unknown which can be a person, place and or thing, all vices in check but one)

“three zero six” in the English Ordinal system equals 172 (I thought this was neat that “a world” world =72 came up as the very next part of the equation)

“one seven two” in the English Ordinal system equals 157 (one all the senses all vices in check)

“one five seven” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (one the left side of the brain one and 41 = garbage*)

“one four one” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow self in eternity and 28 = man )

“one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141 (pattern)

*It’s interesting to note that sometimes the quest to be happy makes ALOT of garbage! How many people shop to make themselves and or others happy!