Category: Bipolar life

13 April 2021 Prospers

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you. How are you?

I want to be this kind of person:

Psalm 1

1 Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

In the life of a person like me, sometimes it’s hard to muster enough energy and courage to do the things that need to get done. Today was one of those days. It’s like my body physically resists any effort I make to be productive. So I have to force myself to do things otherwise they don’t get done.

I have to mention here that I never used to be this sort of person! I used to clean everything compulsively. If something needed to be done I got it done. Now a lot of times I find myself asking “what’s the point?” I have come to realize a lot of tasks we do in this life are futile in nature. Like for examples laundry, getting groceries, ironing and shoveling snow. I really want to get back to some sort of balance with all of this!

“God” in the English Ordinal system equals 26

“prospers” in the English Ordinal system equals 126

“Schmidt” in the English Ordinal system equals 76

“the futile tasks” in the English Ordinal system equals 176

11 April 2021 Thoughts

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello, how are you? I am doing well as I write to you late this sunny Sunday afternoon. The past few days I have been trying to pay more close attention to my thoughts and how they are associated with my feelings. This passage resonated:

Isaiah 55:8-11New International Version

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

As an empath, I have lived most of my life as a “feeler.” This past year living like that has been very difficult for me. To feel every little thing so deeply riddled me with anxiety and paralyzed me with fear.

With the help of God through friends and family I am learning to find a balance between my thoughts and the feelings those thoughts evoke. A couple simple phrases when I think something and feel anxious is, “it’s just a thought” or “it’s just a feeling” or “This is just a feeling it will pass it always does.”

I am gradually learning to take control of my thoughts and how I choose to feel about those thoughts. I learned about this from the program I mentioned in my previous blog. In some ways anxiety is just a bad habit that can be broken. So gradually, over time, I hope to reprogram myself and get back to some semblance of who I used to be.

“thoughts” in the English Ordinal system equals 118 (two parts of one in eternity)

6 April 2021 Ask

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing today? I am doing better. For some reason mornings until mid-afternoon are tough for me . Today I prayed for divine help. I specifically asked for Jesus’s help because I am so sick of feeling and thinking the way that I have been this past year. I feel like such a pathetic human being when I’m like this! A possible answer to the prayer came via a long phone call with a friend who has a program she is going to give me to try. It worked for her and she’s hoping it will work for me.

I let my feelings control my thoughts a lot of time. I must learn to control my thoughts in spite of my feelings. This kind of goes back to my post about feeling the fear but doing it anyways. I don’t know if it’s because I’m an empath or what but my feelings have always seem to override my thoughts. I think there has to be a healthy balance with my gifts and living this life.

This scripture resonated:

Ask, Seek, Knock Matthew 7:7-8

7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

So I have asked and have been seeking so we’ll see what we find.

“all” in the English Ordinal system equals 25

“Ask, Seek, Knock” in the English Ordinal system equals 125

5 April 2021 Truth

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, books, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing today? I am doing ok.

Today’s journey in the Bible lead me here:

Prophecy of Scripture 2 Peter 12-21

12 So I will always remind you of these things, even though you know them and are firmly established in the truth you now have. 13 I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body, 14 because I know that I will soon put it aside, as our Lord Jesus Christ has made clear to me. 15 And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things.

16 For we did not follow cleverly devised stories when we told you about the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ in power, but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty. 17 He received honor and glory from God the Father when the voice came to him from the Majestic Glory, saying, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”[b] 18 We ourselves heard this voice that came from heaven when we were with him on the sacred mountain.

19 We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts. 20 Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet’s own interpretation of things. 21 For prophecy never had its origin in the human will, but prophets, though human, spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.

This is an important passage for someone like me who sometimes has doubts. What is the truth? Is this a first hand account? Perhaps it comes down to belief. Does it matter whether or not it’s a first hand account if it’s the word of God? My personal truth is it’s lonely being a doubter……having unbelief . A good friend of mine has suggested I ask God to show me the truth.

Sometimes I can get my inner “zoo” quiet enough to hear a voice of reason inside. Like just now, “Have faith, everything will make sense. I will guide you there is no need to feel anxious.” What is the source of this voice inside? Is it the Holy Spirit or just my brain trying to get me to calm down? I guess it comes down to what I want to believe again doesn’t it?!

I have had dealings with the truth of the Holy Spirit before. It was back in 2001 a whole sequence of events happened after I went to a mega church service in Melbourne Florida. The message was about the Holy Spirit being an actual entity. I was sitting in my sun porch in base housing after drinking heavily again. I was tired of being drunk again and under my breath I said , “Holy Spirit I surrender.” Well that next day the Holy Spirit and his divine timing began. I was going to ride my bike to work like I normally do and the chain just fell off the bike! I had to put it back on and my hands got all oily. Well I got cleaned up and was riding the path I normally take by the 45th Intelligence Squadron and a Transam came racing up on me and almost hit me! I was very shaken. Then I got to work and found out I had an annual physical exam so I had to ride my bike again. I was given a questionnaire and one of the questions talked about my alcohol usage and I decided to be honest. I was drinking too much to cope with my life and within a couple days I was on a plane to Maryland into a treatment facility! It turned out to be exactly what I needed even if I didn’t think so at first. I whispered for divine help and I got it.

I think this passage is true:

Matthew 17:20
He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Not all of life’s experiences are dramatic as what I shared but they do bear witness to the power and truth of God in our daily lives.

“balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38

“if you have faith as small as a mustard seed” in the English Ordinal system equals 383 (yes, no, may be for eternity yes, no may be existence)

4 April 2021 Resurrection

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you on this day of hope? Today we are reminded of the resurrection of Christ and some people it’s celebration of the Spring Equinox Eostre. A lot of Christian holidays have their origin in pagan roots it was how they got many pagans in Christs time to convert to Christianity (7 Pagan Festivals We Still Celebrate Today | Through Eternity Tours).

I was looking for the scripture passages about the resurrection of Christ this morning and stopped looking after I read Matthew 27. It’s such a dramatic moment! It must have been terrifying to be there:

Matthew 27:50-56New International Version

50 And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.

51 At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split 52 and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. 53 They came out of the tombs after Jesus’ resurrection and[a] went into the holy city and appeared to many people.

54 When the centurion and those with him who were guarding Jesus saw the earthquake and all that had happened, they were terrified, and exclaimed, “Surely he was the Son of God!”

55 Many women were there, watching from a distance. They had followed Jesus from Galilee to care for his needs. 56 Among them were Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joseph,[b] and the mother of Zebedee’s sons.

Something that bothers me about this is the rising of the dead from their tombs. What actually happened that day? Did people actually rise from the dead and walk around? I am reminded of what happened to me back in 2002 when I had my first major episode/experience. I was in the Emergency Room in Florida and could feel myself getting really cold. They wanted me to lay down but I said I couldn’t otherwise I would slip out of my body, I could feel it happening. Then a man came in with warm towel and and they gave me some fluids and I felt better than I have ever felt in my life. Suddenly there was beeping sounds of machines in the almost all the rooms around me. This was the first time I felt like Christ was within me. There is much more that happened after all this but I won’t go into it now.

They say it’s not uncommon for this sort of thing to happen with a psychotic break; a Messiah complex (Messiah complex – Wikipedia). It felt like more than that. What happened to me? I was alive but felt like I was going to die, just slip out of my body. Was it just dehydration, a psychotic breakdown or a resurrection? It’s hard to say!

“one six five ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128 (one light and shadow process for eternity)

“resurrection ” in the English Ordinal system equals 165 (one all vices in check but one for the senses)

“Messiah complex” in the English Ordinal system equals 162 (one all vices in check but one light and shadow process)

3 April 2021 Finding Comfort in Food

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Food, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing today? I am doing ok. It’s a lovely sunny day here in this little town of Middleton ID. Gradually I am getting used to living here but miss some of the comforts of where I lived before namely food places to eat. When I lived in Alvarado we had a lot of fast food places really close to the interstate and they were easy to get to. Now if I want anything like that I only have Subway to choose from for commercial food places and anything else is having to drive to get it. I guess I should be grateful for that as I might eventually lose weight!

One of the things I have been doing this past year to cope with my depression, boredom and loneliness, is finding comfort in food. I especially have problems with sugar. They say sugar is as addictive as cocaine on the brain and I believe it! I haven’t been cooking for myself because there is so much waste and I just can’t justify the effort. I know that sounds pathetic but that’s just how I feel. Lately I have been making use of Grub Hub food delivery service. It’s expensive but I only do it as a treat. Paying a little more for somebody else to go to a food place and bring it to my door is worth it sometimes! Eventually I imagine I will get back to baking and cooking.

Here are a couple words and phrases in the numbers and how I interpreted them:

“lie” in the English Ordinal system equals 26

“dog ” in the English Ordinal system equals 26

“Finding comfort in food” in the English Ordinal system equals 216 (a light and shadow process for one with all vices in check but one)

“one” in the English Ordinal system equals 34

“gluttony” in the English Ordinal system equals 134 (one yes, no, may be for the brain)

“all” in the English Ordinal system equals 25

“addicted to food” in the English Ordinal system equals 125 (one light and shadow process for the senses)

“world ” in the English Ordinal system equals 72

“boredom ” in the English Ordinal system equals 72 (all vices in check in a light and shadow process)

“loneliness” in the English Ordinal system equals 124 (one light and shadow process for the brain)

“depression ” in the English Ordinal system equals 124

2 April 2021 Easily Overwhelmed

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you? I hope you are having a nice Friday. It’s bright and sunny here today. My weed eater and manual weed puller were delivered today. I went out and tried to use the weed puller. I immediately realized that I am going to be overwhelmed by the number of weeds and grass already growing in the yard! My Aunt and Uncle had suggested I try to find an organic weed and grass killer otherwise I am not going to be able to keep up. I am not sure that’s what I want to do! This was an interesting passage out of Isaiah about being overwhelmed:

Isaiah 28:15

You boast, “We have entered into a covenant with death,
    with the realm of the dead we have made an agreement.
When an overwhelming scourge sweeps by,
    it cannot touch us,
for we have made a lie our refuge
    and falsehood[a] our hiding place.”

Lately I have been feeling like God is answering my prayers about being easily overwhelmed. As I have mentioned before, most times I pray for something there is something I am asked to do to get the answer. You can’t get something for nothing. Part of the answer is to make me stronger. I have to be able to drive so God has been sending me places to go. For example I got a card to get my emissions test done on the car. I had to look up where to go to get the test done. I will have to rely on my GPS once again to get me there when I’m ready to get the test done. I’m pretty sure after I complete that task, another task aka quest will be on it’s way! Before long driving to do something will be normal and won’t be something to fear.

How does God work with you on things like this? Is there something you have prayed about and it doesn’t seem like there has been an answer? Can you see an answer in the questions?

overwhelmed” in the English Ordinal system equals 130 (one yes, no, may be into the unknown)

“Jackie” in the English Ordinal system equals 39

“Can you see an answer in the questions” in the English Ordinal system equals 398

1 April 2021 Chosen

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you doing today? I hope you are well. Today has been about choices and or being chosen. I signed up for the Tinder dating app and have been told that if you sign up for that you are just looking for sex! Well no that’s not my intention! I want to develop a friendship first before any of that! Ideally I have been hoping to meet someone in the natural and fall in love that way. I don’t want to settle and I want to choose wisely my next mate.

It’s been over a year since my husband and I separated. I have been waiting in vain for him to take me back. I think I have been kind of hoping all of this was just a bad dream but I am learning to accept that I have to move on. Part of moving on is finding someone new to share my life with. I don’t want to live alone so we shall see what God decides is best for me .

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind had imagined what God has prepared for those who love him. 1 Corinthians 2:9 NLT

“body” in the English Ordinal system equals 46

“chosen” in the English Ordinal system equals 64

31 March 2021 Cast Your Cares 2

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you today? It’s afternoon as I write to you and I hope you have had a good day. The title today is because I was feeling anxious this morning before I got up and I heard that message again! It is such a relieving phrase to hear! Here is one I read this afternoon:

“The Lod is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you” 2 Thessalonians 3:3 NIV

The cares I needed to cast to God involved driving to my doctors office to pick up a lab slip for blood work to be done. I had only ever been to my doctors office when my Aunt was driving so I was nervous about getting lost on my own. Sometimes my GPS doesn’t work so well! Thankfully everything went well and I got there just fine. I think if I had chosen to go later in the day there might have been a problem. The route took me through some pretty busy areas of town!

I guess you could say I am having to learn to drive again or at least that’s what it feels like. My husband did so much of the driving when we were together. Now I have to do it I for myself. Some say it’s part of having independence to be able to drive but I there is a part of me that would love to have someone drive me again lol! I would love to have a driverless car some day.

“balance” in the English Ordinal system equals 38 (yes, no, may be for eternity)

“independence” in the English Ordinal system equals 98 (no for eternity)

“driving ” in the English Ordinal system equals 83 (eternity yes, no may be?)

30 March 2021 Cast Your Cares

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you, how are you today? I am doing ok, the day is getting better. This morning I was having a bit of a struggle with myself regarding going to get groceries or not. I prayed about it and heard a small voice say, “Cast your cares.” I remembered that being something Joyce Meyers husband David says her a lot when she’s fretting about something. I decided to look up where that scripture came from:

Psalms 55:22

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

There was a time in my life when doing chores and other things wasn’t a big deal. For some reason everything is a big deal now. Every day I have to push through this invisible wall to get things done. It’s a physical thing where I will think about doing something and I will almost immediately get a panicky feeling in my gut. A wall of anxiety goes up. It’s that feeling I have to work through to actually accomplish anything. I am taking medication to try and help with it but it doesn’t always work!

“planet” in the English Ordinal system equals 68 (all vices in check but one for eternity)

“Where do I belong God” in the English Ordinal system equals 168

“Cast Your Cares” in the English Ordinal system equals 168

(In the numbers it’s interesting how todays message lines up with yesterdays!)

I know I have to keep strong and have faith that I am on the right path. I asked for God’s strength and I got it. I got to the grocery store, bought what was on my list and got back home again.