Hello and good evening. I am writing to you to help quiet my brain before bed. I have been having good dreams since the one I told you about with sleep paralysis. This past day I dreamt about being with my ex and his brother. I really miss both of them and the in depth talks we used to have. We were good friends! The dream felt like a nice visit with them.
My thoughts tonight turn to the word focus. The context being of what I focus on gaining power in my life. I am currently focusing on losing weight and being more active. It’s going from just thinking to doing. This is a battle because of the fullness in my ears, balance and my lower back. I am hoping the Tai Chi, currently at a beginners level and walking, will gradually help me out with what is holding me back.
The other thing that holds me back in my life is my love for my dog Link. I hate leaving him alone for too long. He is going to be 12 this coming December! He’s a senior dog now and I don’t know how much longer we will have together. After him I don’t know if I will be able to have another pet. There are a lot of things I don’t do because of my responsibility as a pet owner. My little old man gets a lot of my focus.
What we focus on gains power – takes center stage of our lives. The past couple years I have been trying to put Jesus at the center but I will be honest it’s not been easy. I was a pagan for a long time. Prior to being a pagan I was a Roman Catholic for many years up until I left home. After the Catholic Church refused to acknowledge my first marriage I tried many other churches and just couldn’t find one I felt comfortable or accepted in. In the church I am currently attending, Grace Bible Church, I have found acceptance and fellowship but sometimes I feel like the chameleon tattooed on my shoulder. My ability to feel anything deeply has gone the way of my creativity. I want to feel Jesus’s love for me and sometimes I just don’t! I want to weep with the depths of his love and I just can’t. What used to come to me so easily has been reduced to this blog. I am so grateful to you who come to visit me here from all over the world which encourages me not to give up writing altogether!
Dear Jesus I come before you asking for you to heal me in my brokenness- physically, mentally and spiritually. Please show me you are present and that you love me. I ask that you make your presence known to all in this world that thirst for the living water only you can provide. Help me and others like me authentically be vessels of your spirit. Free me and others like me from the bondage of self. Amen.
To be 