Category: Bipolar life

4 Aug 2020 It’s hard to practice what you preach

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Mental Health, Spirituality and Religion, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Good morning and hello to you wherever and whenever you are,  Its a new day and I am finding myself wondering what to do with it!  So I decided to write a bit.  The topic that came to mind is about how hard it is to practice what you tell other people to do – to put into practice what you preach.

For so many years I was in a happy space and everything was relatively easy and it was from that frame of mind that I did this blog.  When I had my husbands support I felt like I could do anything. Now I am on my own and I feel a lot differently.  I feel like the foundation to me has been removed and I am on a shifting surface.  So I am having to figure out how to support myself and it’s hard.

I have a dear friend who has been trying to help me be my own “safe person.”  For several months now she has been that person for me but she had to go back to work  She described herself as training wheels for me.  What’s funny is I was never the person that my family has been getting to know.  They didn’t know the confident, strong, self-reliant me at least not in person.  I used to be able to do a lot without having my hands held and now that is all changed. Now everything seems to be a big deal!

Staying in the present moment is particularly difficult with my mind that keeps wanting to drag me back to the past.  At age 52 I have a lot of past to sift through for every moment of the day.  As if late, I keep going back to Alvarado and the house and I have to let that go soon!

I used to be the one to dispense all kinds of advice and pep talks and now I am on the receiving end of  it and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t, it just makes it worse.  For someone to talk to me, it’s like they have to walk through a field of landmines of conversations that will blow up and provoke anxiety.

“Practice what you preach” in the English Ordinal system equals 239 (Jackie is in this=39)

“two three nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

one five six” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

“one two eight” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

What I am finding too is that since all this has happened everything makes me so sensitive.  This includes food and drink.  I have been off coffee and tea for several months now because of the jitters I get from my blood sugar changing.  I am having to learn how to eat and drink again.

Bottom line to all of this I’ve written is I am having learn how to live again because the life I had is gone.  I have to believe God has a plan for me just not sure what it is yet.

 

 

2 Aug 2020 Absence

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Exploring numeric value of words in English language, Health, Home, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you visitor.  It has been a long time since I have blogged here.  I just haven’t felt like writing.  I got encouraged to write by a dear friend so I am trying.  So many pieces of my life I have yet to reclaim since the divorce started and my moving to Idaho.  I still can’t really watch too much tv, movies, listen to music and or sing,  read much of anything and my hobbies are all on the backburner.  Everything I used to do was part of the episode just before I went into the hospital this last time.  So my life, as my dear friend describes, is very constricted.

Another part of all this is I still feel love for my husband who has divorced me.   Everything makes me think of him! Today we went to a park that had water features and a rose garden with a steam engine train and I immediately associated all of it with my husband.  I broke down into tears. Thankfully I was with my friend and she made it safe for me to express my feelings.  Towards the end of our time together things got ugly but before that there were so many good times.  What’s happened to me is like processing a death and it’s painful.

Another thing that keeps happening is feeling like I am in two places at once.  Part of of me is here and part of me is still back in Alvarado.  So much happened there!  Kyle and I loved and lost four of our pets there in addition to so many other memories.  I grew very fond of the trees and plants in the yard.  I didn’t think I would miss them but I do.  It will take time and some day I will have my own place again and a friend suggested plants and therapy.

Link has adjusted to our new home better than I have!  Life is much simpler for a dog than us dumb humans and all our memories and baggage!

My coping mechanisms of walking and talking still are working.  I also chat yet and that helps some.  Gradually I will reclaim my life and thank God I don’t have to do it alone.

 

“ABSENCE” in the English Ordinal system equals 49

“four nine” in the English Ordinal system equals 102

“one zero two” in the English Ordinal system equals 156

“one five six ” in the English Ordinal system equals 128

“one two eight ” in the English Ordinal system equals 141

 

8 June 2020 Anxiety control

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Leading Life by Example, Mental Health, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello to you.  I haven’t written in a few days.  I have been hesitant to write because I am trying to keep my anxiety under control.  Also I have been sharing my posts on Facebook and I am now trying to stay off of there! Even  my transition care manager that called me today said he’s been taking time off of Facebook right now.

Tomorrow I have a phone call with my doctor so I can let him know everything that has been going on in the anxiety department and hopefully he will have something he can prescribe for me to take as needed to help me.  I don’t want to be on anti-anxiety meds forever just something mild to help take the edge off of what I’m going through right now.  Something else that has been working is doing a walk and talk with family on the cell phone. The combination of walking and talking seems to help.

My poor family that has been trying to hold my hand through this is all long distance right now.  They are doing their best to help me.  Their phone calls really help – they usually end up going on a walk with me!

1 June 2020 Anxiety and hot laptop

by saymber, posted in Bipolar life, Health, Home, Mental Health, technology, trust, Veteran Affairs, Writing and blogging

Hello.  I haven’t written in a couple of days.  I was fortunate this weekend and my neighbors decided to have a garage sale.  I was able to sell several things and they gave me the money for it  Now we don’t have to worry about the king mattress being at the curb or a couple other things.  It was so nice of them to allow me to see some things in their sale.  My husband and his dad came by on Saturday to get some the last of his things out of the house.  I was happy to see them and so was Link but sad for the reason.  Link howled like crazy again after they left.  The noises Link was making is what I was feeling but not expressing inside.   I did manage to get him calmed down after a walk and a Skype session with my cousins wife which soothed us both.

Sometimes you just need a friend!

I can feel myself resisting what is happening with this separation/pending divorce/home sale/moving process even though I’m doing the next right things.  I have been fighting with myself inside a lot.  All of this is provoking a lot of anxiety.  I’m starting to wonder if I don’t need to talk to my doctor about an anti-anxiety as needed medication.  I don’t want to be one of those people who pops pills for everything but I think I may need to about this.  When I start t feel those feelings I don’t want to do anything but go crawl into bed!

I wish I could be like Link express myself and move on and not ruminate – just grab one of my toys and play and not be trapped in emotions!

The toy I do grab that helps some is my laptop it’s a DELL Inspiron 15 3000. The only problem is it gets so hot when I want to play video games on it.  Very disappointing.  So I mainly can use it for chatting and stuff like this.  I should have know better.

As always thank you for stopping by and reading.  I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.