12 May 2020 Let them help you

Hello to you.  How are you today?  I’m hanging in there.  Trying to take care of myself and Link in the midst of a personal time of crisis.  Yesterday we had our first realtor come and take a quick assessment of our place.  Link didn’t like it at all.  I don’t know how well trying to show a house with us in it is going to go.  He chased and barked at the guy the whole time he was in the house!  Having Link is part of the reason I’m anxious to sell the house and get to Idaho as quickly as possible so he is situated with family again.   This whole situation hasn’t been easy on him either.

Today the realtor is supposed to have some numbers for us so we can decide if we want to go ahead and list our place with him.  The reason I chose him is he has a lot of familiarity with the property in our area.  He seemed pretty optimistic about being able to turn the property pretty quickly.  I don’t want him to do it too quickly because we need time to clear out the place and Link and I need a place to live.  I want to stay in the house until we get it all cleared out of our stuff if possible.

I’m trying to move past the anxiety I am feeling so that I can be in my own skin.   Some moments I feel like jumping out of it but it’s getting better.   You know how I was talking about having background noise, well now it’s getting about to the opposite.  I can’t turn on the news without it provoking anxiety.  I can barely turn on the radio for the same reason and that’s EVEN the classical music station!  My personal world is in a tailspin and adding to it with the rest of the world doesn’t help.  It’s not that I don’t care about anybody else in the world, I truly do, but anything more on me is just too much right now.

Life right now is having little things be big things.  This morning I woke up really early with almost a panic about whether or not I would be able to charge my cell phone while Link and I travel to Idaho.  I ran out to the car in the rain to check and thankfully I found I will indeed be able to keep my phone charged while the car is running.

I went back to bed and said to myself in the dark, “I’m scared.”  It’s been a long time since I’ve admitted that to myself about anything.  I’m honestly scared to make such a big journey right now with Link.   A few years ago, in a healthier world,  I don’t think I would be having so much angst about all of this.  There is a part of me starting to resist the thought of moving, trying to stay here, but I know that won’t be good for me in the long term.  This house is more than I can take care of by myself.  We need to sell it now before the “to do” list of repairs gets too much longer.

My cousin and his wife have offered to help me with the journey.  They had talked about driving down here and then we’d drive back together.  The more I think about traveling with Link alone, the more apprehensive I get.  With what’s going on in the country and world with this virus I’m not sure I’m going to want to stop anywhere except for gas!  Just the thought of making a pitstop to go to the bathroom and having to leave him alone in the car is worrisome.  Depending on what time of year it is will make a big difference too.  Flying right now would be out of the question and I think it will be for quite some time.   I’m hoping we have a few months yet and may be things will be safer for travel for all of us.

I have asked for help from my family but worry about being a burden but there is a part of me that is saying, “Let them help you.”  I just don’t want to make a debt I cannot repay.  That’s the kind of person I have become.  I worry about that invisible balance sheet, the “if I do this for you, what will you do for me?”    May be God is trying to teach me something about that.  May be not everyone in the world operates on a balance sheet.  May be the people I know and love are willing to help me without expecting a payment in return.  May be I will repay them somehow once we have a chance to be together.

 

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