5 Dec 2018 Bible Study…She fell in love with a ghost

Hello to you.  the past couple of days I have been riddling out a lot of personal things which include scripture.  For most of my life, pretty much ever since I found out the cause for my birth mother’s taking her own life, post partum depression,  I have been blaming myself.  Post Partum depression, or what they call “Baby Blues” is something that occurs after child birth.  If I hadn’t ever been born may be she wouldn’t have done what she did.  My Dad and I don’t talk much about my Mom and that’s because I know it would hurt him and it hurts me too.   I love my Dad so much.  I know if we embarked on those discussions it would be like opening Pandora’s Box.  He has found a way through this life without opening it.  I must open my own.  We all have one.  A place inside of us that we put things too horrible to face and we shut them away so we can almost forget they even exist.  It’s important to remember even the best of boxes don’t always seal completely shut and contents leak out.

One thing he did tell me about her was her devotion to God and religion.  Perhaps overly so.  Her father, Reverend Harold or Hal Becker, served the God of his understanding for many years.  His wife Carol, my Mom Jeanne, her sister Ruth and their brother Bill were part of that service.  After she took her life at the young age of 26 with the gun my Dad used in his work as a policeman, he put away that service, never got over my Mom’s death and neither have I.  There was much blaming and finger pointing after she died.  Mostly directed at my Dad for leaving his gun in the house with her after she came home from Yankton State Mental Hospital.   Ultimately who is to blame?  My Mom.  She chose to do what she did whatever her state of mind was at the time.  Who is to blame when we become overweight?  When we succumb to a night of drinking?  Texting while we are driving and get into an accident?  We want it to be someone or something else.  We would like to have someone or something else to blame besides ourselves.

Her death has been and still is a mystery, a cold-case file that there aren’t any answers to.  I have gained personal insight in my quest to know her.  She and I have much in common, if what I’ve been told about her and have read is true.  She loved God.  Loving God is a lot like being in love with a ghost.  You can’t see a tangible being but recently, within the past few years, that changed for me.  I started to understand why I was always fascinated with Dracula lore by reflecting on what I experienced trying to be a Roman Catholic.  I can remember one time as a child kneeling during mass and really thinking about what was being said about the blood of Christ and I nearly fainted!

With the help of my Dad and others like Cesar Millan, Maran Keshe, Nikola Tesla and Wilhelm Reich and so many others (animals, insects, the trees, plants, fish etc) living and dead I began to understand energy.  I began to look around and see God everywhere in everyone and everything….”everything is energy….everything is God.”  Just this past year or so the exploration of words as numbers came to me.  Now I dig even deeper and find truth in numbers and I am even closer to the God I have come to understand.

I don’t blame God for my misfortunes.  I don’t blame God for anything because my life has been a series of choices I made.  There might be some behind the scenes stuff going on I am not privy to but to look at my life for it’s face value – it’s my responsibility.  Loving the God of my understanding and seeking to know them better helps me make better choices.

 

she fell in love with a ghost in Simple Gematria equals: 274

13/4/2/1 or 13 divided by 2 = 6.5 = 11 divided by 2 = 5.5 = 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

holy spirit in Simple Gematria equals: 151

52/7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

jesus christ in Simple Gematria equals: 151*

52/7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

(Jesus = 74 Christ = 77) Energy = 74 Power = 77)

earth in Simple Gematria equals: 52*

7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

the bible in Simple Gematria equals: 63

9 divided by 2 = 4.5 = 9 cycle

a person in Simple Gematria equals: 88

16/7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1 or 16/8/4/2/1

a human being in Simple Gematria equals: 95

14/5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1  or 14/7

a people in Simple Gematria equals: 70

7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1  or 14/7

a ghost in Simple Gematria equals: 70

7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1  or 14/7

third wheel in a relationship in Simple Gematria equals: 282

48 or 84/12/3 cycle or 12/6/12/3 cycle

my father�s house has many rooms in Simple Gematria equals: 344 (we are rooms for God)

a body in Simple Gematria equals: 47

= 1687/787/22/4/2/1  or 22 divided by 2 = 11 divided by 2 = 5.5 = 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8 divided by 2 = 4 divided by 2 = 2 divided by 2 = 1

 

holy eucharist in Simple Gematria equals: 164

74/11 divided by 2 = 5.5 = 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

flesh in Simple Gematria equals: 50

5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

blood in Simple Gematria equals: 48

12 divided by 2 = 6 divided by 3 = 1.5 = 6 divided by 2 = 3 cycle

red wine in Simple Gematria equals: 78

15/6/3 or 15 divided by 2 = 7.5 = 12/6/3 cycle

the last supper in Simple Gematria equals: 180

9 divided by 2 = 4.5 = 9 cycle

animal sacrifice in Simple Gematria equals: 123

6 divided by 2 = 3 divided by 2 = 1.5 = 6 divided by 2 = 3 cycle

human sacrifice in Simple Gematria equals: 130

4/2/1

people sacrifice in Simple Gematria equals: 142

7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

war in Simple Gematria equals: 42

6 divided by 2 = 3 divided by 2 = 1.5 = 6 divided by 2 = 3 cycle

gun in Simple Gematria equals: 42

6 divided by 2 = 3 divided by 2 = 1.5 = 6 divided by 2 = 3 cycle

suicide in Simple Gematria equals: 70

7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8 divided by 2 = 4 divided by 2 = 2 divided by 2 = 1

murder in Simple Gematria equals: 79

16/7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8 divided by 2 = 4 divided by 2 = 2 divided by 2 = 1 or 16/8/4/2/1

= 1148/68/14/5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8 divided by 2 = 4 divided by 2 = 2 divided by 2 = 1

a soul in Simple Gematria equals: 68

= 1216/37/10/1 or 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+14&version=NIV

John 14 New International Version (NIV)

Jesus Comforts His Disciples

14 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Jesus Promises the Holy Spirit

15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be[c] in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”

 

one bread one body in Simple Gematria equals: 144

54 or 45/9 divided by 2 = 4.5 = 9 cycle

omnipresence in Simple Gematria equals: 136 (A Nine – Nein…No)

10/1 or 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

be everywhere at once in Simple Gematria equals: 199 (A Thirteen)

19/10/1 or 19 divided by 2 = 9.5 = 14 divided by 2 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1  or 14/7

difficult in Simple Gematria equals: 90

9 divided by 2 = 4.5 = 9 cycle

be all at once in Simple Gematria equals: 90

9 divided by 2 = 4.5 = 9 cycle

be everything to everyone in Simple Gematria equals: 284

68/14/5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1  or 14/7

please everyone all of the time in Simple Gematria equals: 293

59/14/5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1  or 14/7

just be in Simple Gematria equals: 77

14/5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1  or 14/7

you are ultimately responsible for your behavior in Simple Gematria equals: 555*

15/6/3 cycle or 15 divided by 2 = 7.5 = 12 divided by 2 = 6 divided by 3 = 1.5 = 6 divided by 2 = 3 cycle

blame in Simple Gematria equals: 33

6/3 cycle

responsibility in Simple Gematria equals: 192

39 or 93/12 divided by 2 = 6 divided by 3 = 1.5 = 6 divided by 2 = 3 cycle

a choice in Simple Gematria equals: 44

8/4/2/1  (choice=43/7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1)

everything is energy everything is god in Simple Gematria equals: 422

26/8/4/2/1

= 2423/65/11 divided by 2 = 5.5 = 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8 divided by 2 = 4 divided by 2 = 2 divided by 2 = 1

1687 + 1216 + 2423 = 5326/78

15/6/3 cycle or 15 divided by 2 = 7.5 = 12 divided by 2 = 6 divided by 3 = 1.5 = 6 divided by 2 = 3 cycle*

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8 Feb 2018 Refilling Energy Voids

This morning I woke up thinking about friends of mine who have had weight loss surgery. I’ve had three friends undergo this sort of procedure and the recovery process has been unique for all three of them. Now the reason I got to thinking about this was because it’s on the a train of thought I’ve been on about energy vampirism and energy consumption.

I have been frustrated with one of my friends in particular because it feels like since she had the surgery, she’s been grasping about for something to refill the energy void left behind by not being a to eat food like she used to. Well, a flag went up in myself the past couple of days. Why am I so frustrated with her? I’m looking in the mirror at a past reflection that’s why! I learned this from Shakti Gawain’s books many years ago. Usually if we don’t like someone for whatever reason, it means there is something about ourselves that we recognize in them that we don’t like. It may be we’ve moved past whatever the person is reflecting to us or we are still working through it and the person is an “ugly” reminder of what we have yet been unable to change about yourself.

What I have found myself saying in regards to the friend I’m thinking of is a quote from a movie put into a song by Velvet Acid Christ: “Did you hear it?” “It shows you things, horrible things.” “The dark inside me, from the other place… I won’t go back there, I won’t.”

The Dark Inside Me

BUT…..if others had not “fed” me when I was growing up, I see everyday in the news and through history just the sort of human being, “monster”, I could have become. As I reflect on my younger years, there were times when I was a real pain in the ass to be around. I was negative, judgmental, draining, ignorant, willful and extremely unhappy. I didn’t know how to “feed myself” (soothe myself.) Religion alone did not help me, it was specific people that were part of of my life that helped me. When I was younger I used to be fascinated with monsters real and imagined and I think part of that was my quest to try and understand what the hell was going on with me! Why was I so different?!

I realized my fascination with Dracula had an origin story in the Catholic Church ritual, Communion, “The Last Supper.” “Flesh of my Flesh, Blood of my Blood.” I can remember as a little girl truly thinking about what those words meant and I made myself break out into a sweat and nearly black out right as I knelt in a church service! If you were to take those words literally it was like cannibalism or vampirism…..consuming God! Dracula at the pulpit!  What does one do to fill the “void” the absence of a healthy relationship (to include sexual partner) provides when you are a priest?

I drew this man 11 Oct 2012 – as I drew him he morphed and at one point looked a lot like JRM which was funny as I had just found out JRM was going to portray Dracula

What I have learned from my own experience with this is when you lose something like innocence or someone significant to you like my mother committing suicide when I was barely a year old, a great energy void was created….had to be filled. I spent many years trying to put people, places, pets, “shiny things” things (which became addictions in some cases) ..anything that gave me even a fleeting glimpse of happiness into the void my mother’s death left in me. I learned the hard way that there is nothing on this earth that can fill such a void but God.

The God I understood and was taught about growing up came from churches and books. I grasped about into the New Age scene, Holistic type remedies, art, photography, work, sex, marriage, pet ownership, helping others through community service and still I didn’t truly know who God was for me. Then came that day a couple of years ago since we moved here to Texas , when my Dad and I were sitting on my back porch, and we agreed on something for the first time in a long time…..”God is in everything.”

It was kind of an “A-ha” spiritual moment for me. I have always felt like a huge part of my Dad was unknown to me because of what happened with my Mom. Here was something we both agreed on and a seed was planted in me.

30 Aug 2012 Jackie Drawing – when Dad first met Spot

When our cocker spaniel Sammy died in 2011 was another big whammy for both Kyle and I. For me, losing Sam was like losing a child and it was one of the most painful experiences I’ve had. I can remember going out to the field down the street, my “blooming field” before it became houses, and screaming in 100 degree heat at God, “BRING HIM BACK!” Just wandering everywhere looking for him, imagining he was walking with me. There was only ever going to be just one Sam and I had to find a way to live without him. I had to save myself.

Back in April 2014 I was walking in the field down the street from our house before it became houses and found half of an Choctaw Indian Christmas ornament and later found the other half at the entrance to our neighborhood! I thought it was a sign my friend Erin who is part Choctaw was having a son but we got three puppies….Link…instead. In a way it was like God answering my pleas to bring my Sammy back!

Everything is energy, everything is a sort of “food.” This is emotions, things, people, animals and nature. All of these elements consciously or subconsciously feed us energy in some way. Human beings can become “black holes” if left unchecked. A human black hole will devour anything and anyone in it’s path….negative energy vampire so to speak. Negative energy is better than not being fed and there are people, very visible people on our world stage, that model this sort of behavior for us and it may not even be a conscious effort on their part….it’s just who they are now.

We have built a society that teaches us to seek people, places and things to fill the void only God energy can fill. Well if everything is God then what to “eat?” Our diet is not just about what tangible foods we put into ourselves. Our diet is not about what celebrity’s image and spirit we can devour until we grow bored and move on. Our diet is not about the latest video game we devour until the next patch of “crack” comes out. Our diet is not supposed to be the latest electronic gadget or phone but it has become that and we are unfufilled…restless…addicted….bored and grasping about for sustainable food that just isn’t there! Do you get the idea? What are you “eating” you stay “full?”

Something else came to me from the Horror genre….the phrase that is always the worst thing to say in a horror movie, “I’ll be right back.” They never come back. After all these thousands of years of waiting for Jesus to come back he hasn’t…..or has “he?” Is God deaf to our cries? No. It’s like with our Sam. I begged God to send me Sammy back and then came Link! Three years we waited…Link was one of three boys. It was like God saying I will even let you choose! God heard me and I believe sent us Link to heal my heart but not to save me…to help me heal myself. Kyle and I had to learn to “feed ourselves” and not rely on Sammy. There is a reason dog spelled backwards is God!

Look in the mirror people. Who is there and do you love that person without condition? What are you “feeding” that person? There is nothing of this world that can fill the energy voids pain, suffering, loss and change create but God. Who is the God of your understanding? Does this God love you and all the world without condition?  Learn to “feed yourself! without “feeding” off of others or using artificial God’s. 

I know this is a lot but it’s what I was lead to write this morning. I’m not trying to change you or tell you what you should do or what you should believe and definitely not judging you. I’m just trying to help you help yourselves by sharing my experience, strength and Hope.

I hope something here resonates with you and if it does, pass it on in your way. We are all two-way or transistor radio’s in a way – sending and receiving signals.

Audioslave – Show Me How to Live

Lyrics
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life
Now show me how to live …
And with the early dawn
Moving right along
I couldn’t buy and eyeful of sleep
And in the aching night under satellites
I was not received
Built with stolen parts
A telephone in my heart
Someone get me a priest
To put my mind to bed
This ringing in my head
Is this a cure or is this a disease
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life
Now show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life
Now show me how to live
And in the after birth
On the quiet earth
Let the stains remind you
You thought you made a man
You better think again
Before my role defines you
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life
Now show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life
Now show me how to live
And in your waiting hands
I will land
And roll out of my skin
And in your final hours I will stand
Ready to begin
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life
Now show me how to live
Nail in my hand
From my creator
You gave me life
Now show me how to live
Show me how to live
Songwriters: Brad Wilk / Chris Cornell / Timothy Commerford / Tom Morello
Show Me How to Live lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC