20 Oct 2017 The Moth Baby Visitor

Hello to you.  It’s Friday night here, I can tell because I can hear the sounds of “Friday night lights” (aka Alvarado Indians Football) down the street.  It’s not an unpleasant sound to hear people happy and cheering.  I enjoy the sound of the band (especially the drums) and the humorous sounding commentary that by the time it reaches our house sounds kind of like one of Charlie Brown’s teachers talking but way more exciting.

So today I was honored by a special visitor.  I was out back and saw this huge green caterpillar with small orange dots moving through the grass.  I had never seen such a large caterpillar in our yard before and was of course awestruck!  By looking at the beautiful beings face, I could tell it must be a moth of some kind!  It seemed to want to come towards me and I was tempted to let it crawl into my hand but thought the better of it.  I just talked to them as they found their way to our young oak tree.

I did some looking around the internet to see if there was any information about what type of moth this caterpillar would become and found only a couple of pictures.  It may be a Luna Moth!  I suspect that it is the offspring from one of the large moths that visited our yard this year.  We had a couple different species stop through but in looking at the pictures, they don’t look like the Luna Moths I saw pictures of on the internet.  It doesn’t matter to me.  To me, they were an honored guest and I pray for their safe transformation from a chubby ground dweller to a beautiful giant moth that can fly next to the stars.

https://saymber.com/2017/09/19/19-sept-2017-moth-and-psalm-of-life-henry-wadsworth-longfellow-poem/

https://saymber.com/2017/05/26/26-may-2017-last-flight-of-the-one-winged-brown-moth-and-cycles-and-connections-of-life-drawings/

 

The Moth (Les Deux Love Orchestra Cover) – Aimee Mann [Mr. Robot S02E12] 

Published on Sep 21, 2016

The beautiful Darlene moment from Mr. Robot’s season 2 finale
Performed by Les Deux Love Orchestra Featuring Bobby Woods.
Written by Aimee Mann

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18 Oct 2017 Craving cake and Rainbow baby (poem and drawing)

Hello to you.  How are you?  There isn’t much of me these days…..just mostly mush going on upstairs as of late.  Oh and there is the most dreaded of human conditions…my reoccurring craving for white cake with lots of frosting!   This happens to me every once and awhile!   I resisted the great temptation of going to our bakery called Cakes down the street while Kyle was sleeping today to get some.  One time I had such a craving while were still living in Delaware.  What did Kyle do?  He brought me home a gigantic, multi-layered German chocolate cake that cured me for several months for want of cake!

(this is a white cake I baked earlier this year after finally succumbing to one of my white cake craving attacks lol!)

What the cake looked like after I baked it.

So my creativity flow has been about a sputter since we started with the night shift endeavor but I did manage to draw this strange little being this evening.  I started out with a big pink blob for a head and then it came to me this would be a person with blue butterfly wings for ears and things just went from there lol.

18 Oct 2017 – the drawing started with the silly thought of a baby with ears of a blue butterfly and I just went with it!

Then as I was sitting down to write tonight and share this drawing,  the term rainbow baby came to my mind.  The first time I heard this term was when Kyle and I went to Parkway Park here in town on Memorial Day this year.  When we got to the park that day, there was a older woman in the parking lot with a baby dressed in rainbow colors….her name was Ariel Era.  She said Ariel was a rainbow baby.  I didn’t know what that meant at the time but I thought it must be beautiful.  Ariel certainly was!  I was wearing a bracelet I had made with a rainbow theme and as is customary for me, I took it off my wrist and gave it to Ariel’s Grandma and asked her if she would give it to Ariel someday.   Kyle said to me, “Sometimes someone has to watch the baby.”  Which resonated with me very deeply.  My Grandma used to take care of me when I was Ariel’s age too!

I never chose to have human children, but I know from being a “pet mom”, how much loss of this kind can hurt!

So what exactly is a rainbow baby?

A rainbow baby is a baby born after a couple experiences miscarriage or still birth. It’s called that because you can’t have a rainbow without a storm. And after the storm of pregnancy loss, a beautiful rainbow (child) breaks through the clouds to bring happiness.

28 April 2017 – My Little Pony Rainbow Dash as seen through a faceted glass “eye”.

A little poem from me for babies like Ariel:

Baby after the storm

Brings multi-colored light

And Mother’s heart is made again warm

Tears of sorrow no more, now only joy

Be it the glowing bundle

A girl or a boy

Clouds give way to sun and laughter

Mommy, Daddy and babies

Live happily ever after!

 

 

16 Oct 2017 Victoria

Hello to you.  It’s evening here as I write to you.  I hope this finds you well.  So far I’m doing well with my goal of observing the news headlines but refraining from becoming emotionally antagonized by them.  Cutting Facebook out of my life for the past couple of weeks has really helped me in this endeavor as well!  I am trying to consciously “rewire” my brain and behavior patterns about this and so far, so good.

Kyle and I finished The Living and The Dead on Sunday and decided to give another period piece available for watching on Amazon, Victoria, a try.  No regrets!  We adored Jenna Coleman in Dr. Who as companion Clara Oswald, and are equally smitten with her fantastic portrayal of young Queen Victoria in this wonderful series.  Tonight we just got to the part where the young queen falls for Prince Albert.  Who would think a man cutting his clothes to place  rose corsage next to his chest could be so romantic…steamy even?!   Apparently such a thing really happened!

Source Internet – Prince Albert and Queen Victoria

http://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/708773/Victoria-Prince-Albert-rip-shirt-Jenna-Coleman-Tom-Hughes-Daisy-Goodwin-ITV

“Speaking at a recent screening of the fourth and fifth installments of the ratings hit, which follows the courtship and marriage of Victoria and Prince Albert, Daisy told media including Express.co.uk: “One of my favorite moments in episode four is when Albert cuts the hole in his shirt and puts the corsage in.

“It’s something that might have come from my fevered imagination, but actually no. It was actually true, I read it in an account of their first meeting. So it might have come from someone else’s fevered imagination. ”

VICTORIA PREMIERE TRAILER

My drawing today, “door in the sun”

 

14 Oct 2017 Red Dress (dream and symbolism)

Hello, it’s Saturday morning here.  Had a dream that was so vivid it woke me up.  Once I’m up, it’s often hard to get right back to sleep lol!

So the dream…

I dreamt I was some sort of escort or something and that I saw a client. Sorry, no graphic details, just remember I was in a bathtub of hot water. Afterwards a man, who looked much like a young Malcom McDowell, asked me, “How did it go? You know the red dress? Must have! Once they get to you, they never let you go.” Sitting beside and behind him was a very tired looking David Bowie who kind of looked like he did when he was in the Hunger (John Blaylock – before the aging happened). I woke up hearing the song “Underground” by David Bowie in my head.

Source Internet: David Bowie’s character John Blaylock from the movie The Hunger having trouble getting and staying asleep

David Bowie – Underground

Underground

David Bowie

No one can blame you for walking away But too much rejection, uh-huh No love injection, nothing

Life can be easy It’s not always swell Don’t tell me truth hurts, little girl ‘Cause it hurts like hell

But down in the underground You’ll find someone true Down in the underground A land serene, a crystal moon

A-ha

It’s only forever Not long at all Lost and lonely That’s underground, underground

Daddy, daddy, get me out of here (heard about a place today) Ha, ha, I’m underground (nothing ever hurts again) (Nothing ever hurts again) well, I found a place (Daddy, get me out of here) nothing ever hurts again (Hoping for the underground) down and down and get me out of here (Hoping for the underground) ha, ha, I’m underground (Get me underground) sister, sister, please take me down Ha, ha, I’m underground (gotta get me out of here) Daddy, daddy get me out

No one can blame you for walking away But too much rejection, uh-huh No love injection, nothing

But down in the underground You’ll find someone true Down in the underground A land serene, a crystal moon

A-ha

It’s only It’s only forever It’s not long at all They’re lost and they’re lonely That’s underground, underground

Daddy, daddy get me out Heard about a place today (heard about a place today) Nothing ever hurts again (nothing ever hurts again) Daddy, daddy get me out of here (daddy, get me out of here) Ha, ha, underground (hoping for the underground) Sister, sister, please (hoping for the underground) Ha, ha, I’m underground (get me underground) Daddy, daddy, get me out

Under, under Under, underground Underground Under, underground Under, underground Under, underground Wanna live underground Wanna live underground Daddy, daddy, get me out of here Ha, ha, underground Sister, sister, please take me out of here Ha, ha, I’m underground Ha, ha, I’m underground Ha, ha, underground Daddy, daddy, please Daddy, daddy, please Wanna move underground Wanna move underground Sister, sister, take me too Sister, sister, take me too

Songwriters: DAVID ROBERT JONES

© SPIRIT TWO MUSIC

For non-commercial use only.

Data from: LyricFind

Now when I was examining this vivid dream, I thought the red dress symbolized being alive, having your skin. When I did a search on the symbolism of the red dress….well it got weird. I know the lady in the red dress was used as a symbol of distraction in the movie The Matrix, I’ve referenced it here before. Apparently there is a theory regarding the infamous Illuminati, New World Order, even the Whore of Babylon and this lady in the red dress!

Source Internet – Lady in the Red Dress distracting Neo in the Matrix

I am thinking this might have been triggered, the last waking key to unlock this dream, was ironically something I recently watching for a couple episodes of The Living and The Dead BBC show. In episode 4, we are introduced to school teacher, Martha Enderby. The episode opens to her being a woman in a red dress, lost in the woods looking for her friend Alice. What came to my mind, was this was symbolic to the story of Alice in Wonderland for some reason. Alice, instead of being a the girl in the story of Alice in Wonderland, was more like the White Rabbit.

Source: Internet
This is opening scene of episode 4, The Living the Dead, Martha Enderby.

It wouldn’t surprise me if some of the conjecture, rumors and even conspiracy theories about the red dress and it’s symbolic meaning in Hollywood might be somewhat true. It certainly does seem, from what I’ve seen through the years, you literally have to sell your soul for your big screen and or recorded immortality. This is a link and an excerpt from one of the more tame posts I found about the subject if your curious.

https://thetalkingpot.wordpress.com/2013/08/19/symbolism-of-the-woman-in-red/

Symbolism of the Woman in Red

Posted on August 19, 2013 by angelishka

(excerpt)

‘The woman in red’ is merely the symbolism; an occult symbolism used by the entertainment industry and the media. The woman in red means something different for each person. It could be a drug, an addiction, a dream, money, desire for something forbidden… some sort of worldly trap that can be placed in front of you, designed to derail you from the path of righteousness.

Is the “Whore of Babylon” symbolic for Hollywood and other things of the highly distracting nature in our world? I wonder!  Right now, if this is true, that old whore Hollywood is getting quite an upturning! 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Revelation+17&version=NIV

Revelation 17New International Version (NIV)

Babylon, the Prostitute on the Beast

17 One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls came and said to me, “Come, I will show you the punishment of the great prostitute, who sits by many waters. 2 With her the kings of the earth committed adultery, and the inhabitants of the earth were intoxicated with the wine of her adulteries.”

3 Then the angel carried me away in the Spirit into a wilderness. There I saw a woman sitting on a scarlet beast that was covered with blasphemous names and had seven heads and ten horns. 4 The woman was dressed in purple and scarlet, and was glittering with gold, precious stones and pearls. She held a golden cup in her hand, filled with abominable things and the filth of her adulteries. 5 The name written on her forehead was a mystery:

babylon the great

the mother of prostitutes

and of the abominations of the earth.

6 I saw that the woman was drunk with the blood of God’s holy people, the blood of those who bore testimony to Jesus.

When I saw her, I was greatly astonished. 7 Then the angel said to me: “Why are you astonished? I will explain to you the mystery of the woman and of the beast she rides, which has the seven heads and ten horns. 8 The beast, which you saw, once was, now is not, and yet will come up out of the Abyss and go to its destruction. The inhabitants of the earth whose names have not been written in the book of life from the creation of the world will be astonished when they see the beast, because it once was, now is not, and yet will come.

9 “This calls for a mind with wisdom. The seven heads are seven hills on which the woman sits. 10 They are also seven kings. Five have fallen, one is, the other has not yet come; but when he does come, he must remain for only a little while. 11 The beast who once was, and now is not, is an eighth king. He belongs to the seven and is going to his destruction.

12 “The ten horns you saw are ten kings who have not yet received a kingdom, but who for one hour will receive authority as kings along with the beast. 13 They have one purpose and will give their power and authority to the beast. 14 They will wage war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will triumph over them because he is Lord of lords and King of kings—and with him will be his called, chosen and faithful followers.”

15 Then the angel said to me, “The waters you saw, where the prostitute sits, are peoples, multitudes, nations and languages. 16 The beast and the ten horns you saw will hate the prostitute. They will bring her to ruin and leave her naked; they will eat her flesh and burn her with fire. 17 For God has put it into their hearts to accomplish his purpose by agreeing to hand over to the beast their royal authority, until God’s words are fulfilled. 18 The woman you saw is the great city that rules over the kings of the earth.”

New International Version (NIV)

Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

I recently bought the song Hearts Filthy Lesson from the Outside album by David Bowie……yep…been speaking to me. 

 

 

13 Oct 2017 Mustard Seed

Hello to you this Friday evening.  I hope you’ve had a good day from whatever point in your timeline you are at when you visit here.  I know it’s weird for me to talk like that to you but that’s how I think of this blog.  It’s a connection point between multiple dimensions.  Mainly mine and yours.  I think of each of us as walking, talking….living and breathing dimensions all overlapping each other.

The example I always use to illustrate this concept is thinking of when Kyle goes to work and I am here.  Unless I tell him what happened here while he was gone, he has no way of knowing what actually happened.  Unless he tells me what happens at his work, I have no way of knowing that either.  Even when we are both here at home,  even sitting in the same room, we are still recording unique perceptions of reality into our memory.   We are worlds within worlds!

Todays drawings weren’t spectacular but lead me to a particular passage from the Bible I’ve always thought was beautiful; the one about having faith as small as a mustard seed.

Matthew 17:20New International Version (NIV)

20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

There are certain passages from the Bible, that even if I no longer participate in organized religion, have always resonated with me.  This particular passage is just such a one.  Revisiting passages like these gives me strength during times when I need it the most.  For me, that is what the Bible or any sacred text ought to be used for.  A resource to help, not a weapon to harm.

I hope that through all these billions of lines of wires, cables, electrical signals, dirt, ocean and sky….through all that is between my dimension and yours that this post helps make the moment you are in just a little better.

*I found this video to share, thought it might be interesting to you.  I didn’t know that Canada was the largest grower of mustard seed!

From a Tiny Mustard Seed

Published on Jan 29, 2015

Ever wondered where mustard comes from? Follow the production of mustard from seeding to harvesting.
Learn more about mustard at http://www.saskmustard.com.

*I found myself craving rhyme tonight and wanting more of the coolness of fall we got a brief taste of the other day.  It was 93 degrees here today!  Anyhew, I looked at several poems before finding this one.  I chose it because it spoke to me for some reason.  If you go to the actual site, you can hear each of the poems read out loud either by a person or computer  person.

https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/autumn-friends-2/

Autumn Friends – Poem by Sandra Fowler

If one could bridge the distance with a word,
A journey would become a pilgrimage.
Elegant letters slant across the page.
My leaf has found a home upon your coat.

My kind critic, I think it is our fate
To meet in stanzas of my poetry.
Simile and metaphor must be our bond
Until autumn blows one of us away.

Our rare rapport is irreplaceable.
Old moods glimmer on sills like fallen stars.
My little leaf says thank you every day.
It comforts me to know it traveled safe.

‘With my compliments to Mukund Dave for
all his eloquent reviews’

 

 

11 Oct 2017 Today’s Youth are Depressed, Here’s Why (Thoughty2, You tube), THIS is Why The Sumerians are NOT Taught in School – Sumerian Tablets – Lost Ancient Civilization (Bright Insight, You tube) and Evening Star (Poem by Edgar Allen Poe)

Hello to you.  It’s 9:28 pm on this Wednesday evening.  How are you?  I’m doing better after Kyle and I were able to talk with our neighbor about the fence, dog and poop situation this evening.  Sounds like chicken wire will be the solution until we can all afford to replace the fence entirely.  Works for me!  It made me feel better to be able to apologize for the outburst this morning and get things sorted out.  All he heard was yelling and wasn’t sure what was going on.  It had been bugging me all day!  I don’t like being mad at people or having unresolved conflict with people.

So this evening Kyle and I were able to squeeze in part of another episode of the Living and Dead BBC One program…make it last as long as we can lol.  We also did our You tube channels scan for stuff to watch and came across this very insightful video from the Thoughty2 channel about why the youth of today are having so much trouble with depression.  It ties in nicely to the links I shared on my previous post today about Smartphones and their effect on young people’s mental health/self esteem and suicide related issues.   This video addresses a lot of things people may have not considered when making harsh judgements about young people of the past couple of generations.

Today’s Youth Are Depressed, Here’s Why…

Thoughty2

Moby & The Void Pacific Choir – Are You Lost In The World Like Me? (Official Video) – this little film sums it all up so well….so sad but true.

This is a video I saw yesterday that was very interesting to me too.  It inspired the chalk drawing I did of the Sumerian and the Reaper.  I have found the story of the Sumerians quite fascinating and kind of crossed paths with some of their history, specifically their language of the cuneiform, when I was trying to get some closure on the character Vanessa Ives from the show Penny Dreadful: https://saymber.com/2016/09/20/20-sept-2016-vanessa-ives-of-penny-dreadful-and-lilith-cuneiform-sumerian-language-finding-mementos-of-your-past-revisiting-harsh-lessons-of-farm-life-and-death-as-a-city-girl/

THIS is Why The Sumerians are NOT Taught in School – Sumerian Tablets – Lost Ancient Civilization

Bright Insight

Published on Oct 5, 2017

How is it possible that the Sumerian’s ONLY get 1-3 Sentences in the Textbooks? The world’s FIRST human civilization that dates back 6,000 years, that created our modern system of time, the calendar, writing, agriculture, and everything else is not required learning in school. This video outlines what the Sumerian tablets/records.

Here to close…this beautiful poem by Edgar Allen Poe that I have never read before:

https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/evening-star/

Evening Star – Poem by Edgar Allan Poe

‘Twas noontide of summer,
And mid-time of night;
And stars, in their orbits,
Shone pale, thro’ the light
Of the brighter, cold moon,
‘Mid planets her slaves,
Herself in the Heavens,
Her beam on the waves.
I gazed awhile
On her cold smile;
Too cold- too cold for me-
There pass’d, as a shroud,
A fleecy cloud,
And I turned away to thee,
Proud Evening Star,
In thy glory afar,
And dearer thy beam shall be;
For joy to my heart
Is the proud part
Thou bearest in Heaven at night,
And more I admire
Thy distant fire,
Than that colder, lowly light.

Sending hugs, love, hope and all the good I can muster through the wires to you…..please do pass it along 🙂 

11 Oct 2017 God’s Pop Quizzes – broken fences and dog poop

Hello to you. It’s a chilly Wednesday here as I write to you. Love the cooler temperatures! Really beginning to feel like fall but this is Texas, so give it a blink or two and that can change.  Did you chuckle when you read the title I chose for my blog today?  I hope so….it was intentional lol!

So this morning I was up early, just couldn’t get and stay asleep. Kyle’s current work schedule has us both pretty messed up sleep wise. We’ll probably fully adjust as he’s finishes the outage….just the way it seems to go.

I’m not a very pleasant person when I’m overtired and our neighbors dogs, who busted yet again through our side fence, got some choice words this morning as I shooed them back into their yard (think A Christmas Story with more expletives you can actually understand.)

Sons of B*tches! Bumpuses! (A Christmas Story Quote)

We’ve had this going on literally since we bought this house. My fuse gets shorter and shorter every time something like this happens. This goes back to the loan for buying this house not even being approved yet and one of their dogs was already busting through the fence. They’ve been through probably 10 or more dogs in the past 8 years. Nothing we’ve been able to do or say has dissuaded them from continuing to get dogs they don’t take care of like we take care of our dogs. They usually end up running away or getting picked up by Animal Control, dying , or doing what they are doing now, busting up the fence trying to get to our yard.  This said, our neighbors are good hard-working people.  They work a lot and the kids are in school most of the time, so the dogs get left alone a lot.  Dogs left alone do what dogs left alone do – they get bored, curious, hungry, restless and sometimes destructive.  These dogs seem to just want a different place to go poop.

I wouldn’t ordinarily be so nasty about this but this but I’m overtired and they have not only busted several holes in our fragile, rotting wood fence…they leave doggy presents for me to step in too. The fence needs to be replaced and we can’t afford to do it and I’m pretty sure our neighbor isn’t too eager to spend the money or effort on replacing the shared fence either.

Every time I get pissed off about this, I feel like I failed another “test.” God seems to do that to me with certain things….remember those pop quizzes you used to get in school with no warning? Yeah, it’s like that lol. Just when I think I’ve got something I don’t like about myself all sorted out, God will drop one of those pop quizzes and show me the truth. Nope! Big fat F!

After all, how can I expect the world to live in peace when I can’t even deal with something that simple without getting angry? I have some things yet to work on within myself. Leave it to the dogs and their smooshy stinky gifts to remind me of this glaring reality!

Does what I’m going through resonate at all with you today? Is there something you keep getting “tested” on that you know you need in improve about yourself?

A couple interesting articles about us and our technology habits…addictions:

http://www.dailygood.org/2017/10/11/mind-the-stream-where-mindfulness-and-technology-meet/

Oct 11, 2017— “Look around you. How many devices are bidding for your attention? If someone came into your dwelling space, could they tell what year it was by the technology that immediately surrounded you, or would they have to dig a little deeper?” Writer Emily Barr poses these questions, and others in this reflective essay that weaves together the latest findings around how our minds and our lives are being shaped by the technologies we use, and the steps we can take to make our interactions more conscious.

http://time.com/4974863/kids-smartphones-depression/

We Need to Talk About Kids and Smartphones

Markham Heid

Updated: Oct 10, 2017 8:24 AM ET

(excerpt)

“It seems like every generation of parents has a collective freak-out when it comes to kids and new technologies; television and video games each inspired widespread hand-wringing among grown-ups. But the inescapability of today’s mobile devices—coupled with the personal allure of social media—seems to separate smartphones from older screen-based media. Parents, teens and researchers agree smartphones are having a profound impact on the way adolescents today communicate with one another and spend their free time. And while some experts say it’s too soon to ring alarm bells about smartphones, others argue we understand enough about young people’s emotional and developmental vulnerabilities to recommend restricting kids’ escalating phone habit.”

 

 

9 Oct 2017 In the moment, Poem (California on fire again) and revisiting the past (can be painful!)

9 Oct 2017 – drawing I did today…The Amnesiac’s. I was thinking about how it seems like we keep forgetting things that are important.

Hello to you.  It’s Monday evening as I start to write to you.  How was the day you just lived today?  How are you doing in this moment?  What is everything in your “now?”  For me it’s drinking coffee that is a tad bitter but I’ll keep drinking it because I don’t want to waste it.  Link and Spot are on edge because I was just outside and rang the doorbell like an asshole after walking Kyle out and looking for gecko’s….only found one.  Ever since we put up the new siding…less gecko’s.  May is meowling again about who knows what and it drives me crazy….sounds like a baby crying.  Almost impossible for me to ignore her even if I try.  I am in no physical pain, comfortable temperature and there is an annoying smudge on my glasses again.  I hear the random pinging of raindrops on our metal siding which is a good thing.  I’m grateful for this moment I am in and grateful to have this cyber place in which to express my random “stuff.”  I’m grateful for whoever you are reading this, for your taking a moment from your busy world to visit me.

I have some quiet time to myself so this is going to be long lol.  I’ve finally resolved to myself that brevity is never going to be my thing lol!  If you don’t have time right now, please come back when you can.  There is something for you here. 

Yeah…..so I wrote this little poem today.  It’s not positive, complicated or even very eloquent….just one of those poems that started to come in while I was doing something else and I jotted it down.  Then I saw on the news later that California is burning even more so than normal…..sigh.  (http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/09/us/california-fires/index.htmlFast-moving wildfires kill 10, spur evacuations in Northern California By Ralph Ellis, Joe Sterling, Paul P. Murphy and Eliott C. McLaughlin, CNN Updated 7:48 PM ET, Mon October 9, 2017)

9 Oct 2017 – Jackie Wygant poem

I hate you

You hate me

I hate me

So it goes

Through our family tree

Barren seed in fallow soil

A life

Of blood, sweat and toil

Where is the love we once knew?

Is it only ember and ash now

Against the darkening red, white and blue?

It’s weird sometimes the random things that I will pick up and they end up in poems, writings and my art.  Guess that’s the way it’s always worked for me.

Today I found something out about myself.  It’s now not an easy thing for me to look at pictures from the past….just as bad as reading my old journals.

Kyle was sleeping and the internet was off so I decided to take a trip down memory lane and look at some old photos from 2009 when we still lived in Newark DE and some since we’ve been here.  This turned me into a mass of sobbing wet tears.  What happened that really set me off was I saw video I had taken of our kitty Amber when she was still here and our Spot during one of the visits from the squirrel.  The furniture in our house was different.  We still had the pergola which the squirrel has sorely missed since its removal.  We still had our old back fence!  In just a short little video I saw how much time had gone by and all that was changed….missing.

5-march-2015-my-sunbeam-kitty-amber-alvarado-tx

Part of my current resentment at our remaining cat May is May has never loved me like Amber did and she’s still alive and Amber isn’t!  It’s so hard for me to get over that!  Amber was the kind of cat that was more like a dog than a cat in her personality and behavior.  She got that way after we got our cocker spaniel Sam.  She was smart enough to figure out that if she was going to get any time with me she had to become more like a dog.  So she did!  Amber was a big part of my heart.  I used to hold her when she’d come visit me on the toilet and just hold her and start crying I loved her so much.

Yeah…..but I think Amber has found her ways, through perhaps the ashes we spread about the yard, to find her way back to me.  Whether it be a positive or negative insect interaction…..sometimes it seems very personal lol.  Like a fragment of Amber making herself known to me whether it be a fire ant bite or a butterfly randomly flittering through my hair.  Amber isn’t the Amber I knew….she’s much more and that comforts me some.  It’s just when I go back looking for what she was and isn’t anymore that hurts so bad.

What happened to me today reminds me that we must be careful going back for what we have lost.  We can be reminded how much it hurts that we can never get any of it back.  Even if we can get something back from our past,  it can never be exactly as it was.  Kind of like it was for me after joining the military and going home to visit.  I wasn’t the same person even if the people and places I left behind were much the same.  Going backwards on anything can sometimes open wounds that had finally closed.  I am reminded of this today.  Sometimes I go back to things better left in the past.

I don’t want to forget the past ever happened.  I don’t want to forget the people, animals, places and things that made me the me I am now.  I just really had it hit me today looking at those old pictures and videos that I don’t want to emotionally torture myself in my present with facts  and parts of history that are fixed….set….unchangeable.

There will never be another cat exactly like Amber in my life.  There will never be the exact version of any other person, animal, place or thing that I loved after they have left this physical world or been destroyed.  For as long as I live and can retain my memory, they will exist in my mind, heart and even my soul.  Even fragments of their existence, rejoined with the energy God of my understanding, will remain in the air, the water, the food, my sleeping and waking world …but they will never be them again.  They are part of my past and I cannot get them back again!

This was taken during a visit to the San Francisco CA Zoo in *cough* Nov 1987! The note on the wall behind me, “This bench is reserved for primates only” is appropriate lol!

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/William_Beebe – the first time I saw this was when I visited the San Francisco Zoo:

The beauty and genius of a work of art may be reconceived, though its first material expression be destroyed; a vanished harmony may yet again inspire the composer; but when the last individual of a race of living beings breathes no more, another heaven and another earth must pass before such a one can be again.

  • The Bird (1906)

I feel like my little blurp here could be a bit of a cautionary tale of the direction I see us going in this country….in this world.  I see a fading mass of people trying to take those newer on the scene kicking and screaming back to the caves by the hair without Wi-Fi.  Why?  I think, speaking as someone who can be averse to change, because it’s comfortable, it’s safe, it’s familiar, it makes them feel like they have control over something and it means not having to change.  This world is changing so fast!

This is an ironic observation as I live in a world of people who seem to thrive on change and new external stimulation!  Kyle and I notice this especially with video games and how the industry seems to have such a hard time “feeding” gamers with new content.  As soon as new content is released, people eat through it like a bag of chocolate and get pissed and act like addicts going through withdrawal waiting for their next “hit.”

We want change but we want to control the how, where, when, why and what of it happening.   For many, and this is the case for myself, not having any sort of input or control over changes like those coming from our government,  that affect me and those I love,  has left me feeling quite powerless and angry.

I  cannot really get to mad at my parents, teachers and other role models in my life for all the dirty secrets I’ve found out about my country and the world since my growing up years.  I’m finding out from personal experience that history is a contextual thing.  It’s also a matter of perception…your experiences, your background, your family, your education shape your perception of the world and how you live in it.

Depending on where you are in time and what you know at that time, determines how you live in that segment of history.  What was acceptable behavior for white people in the context of history going on during the time of slavery isn’t what should be going on in our current times in the context of modern history….why? Because we know better!  My parents and all the teachers through my life probably didn’t know or realize half the things that have come to light in our current times.  Now we do know what was and is still yet going on.  Are we as a world going to just keep revisiting and repeating the past or finally let go, let God and move the fuck on?!!

I think we have a lot of people in this world who feel powerless in our times.  So they are clinging on to whatever they can to give them some sense of stability…certainty.  Many are choosing to hold on to history, be it positive or negative, to have some sort of certainty, identity, purpose and meaning .  I am living in a country that makes it seem like you have to go on America’s Got Talent or something to be worth a shit…to have value.  If you have ever watched that show, you have seen the lengths people will go to be worth something.  They will nearly kill themselves!  It feels like you have to “be something, someone or connected to something or someone” in order to have any sort of self-esteem.

People are still not being taught how to light their own fire inside.  They are still being taught in every conceivable way that they must seek their value and worth outside of themselves – other people, places and especially things.  It’s a lie perpetuated all the way back to the first real fire I think!

Anyhew….

Kyle and I watched this tonight and I thought John did a really good job on this very sensitive subject in our country – confederate monuments.  I didn’t know that a large majority of monuments in our country that depict Confederate themes were erected decades after the Civil War was over, meant to be the middle finger of sorts towards minorities and many were dedicated by members of the KKK!  I think these statues should be put preserved, as John suggests here.  I think they should definitely be put in museums with background information and historical context provided.  I think destroying the statues would be not much better than what everyone has gotten upset about ISIS doing.  It isn’t a good idea to erase history…especially history we really shouldn’t repeat!  I feel like people should be able to choose to go to a museum and view them versus not having a choice about being subjected to them in sometimes unavoidable public places.

Confederacy: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO)

 

We can only go forward and through….that’s the only way to survive the callous master that is Time.

 

8 Oct 2017 The Living and the Dead (BBC) and positive story about how even the most extreme people are capable of change ( The ‘ironic’ friendship that convinced a former neo-Nazi to erase his swastika tattoos)

Hello to you….it’s Sunday in my here and now as I write to you.  How are you doing in your here and now?  I hope you are in a good place.  I’m navigating my way back to a healthier head, heart, mind and spirit space myself.  We’ve started watching a very interesting BBC show that I had been waiting to be available on Amazon Prime.  It’s called The Living and the Dead starring Colin Morgan and Charlotte Spencer.  WOW!  So worth the wait!  The cinematography alone is just amazing.  I find myself wishing I could just have many frames of the show as reference for doing paintings.  We watched the second episode last night and are hooked.  I won’t give away too many spoiler for those who want to explore the show, but a concept I was fascinated to see employed …the overlaying of dimensional realities.  Are ghosts just versions of us from other dimensions peaking through another reality…the veil?  Are ghosts just the overlaying of dimensions and timelines?  I thought Colin was brilliant in another fantastic BBC show, Humans and he is just as great in this one.  Sadly, while looking for more information on the show, I see it didn’t get a second season….sigh.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/latestnews/2015/living-and-dead-casting – this article was prior to production, but it gives you a great feel for what it’s about.

Colin Morgan and Charlotte Spencer set to thrill in new supernatural BBC One drama The Living And The Dead

The Living And The Dead is one of those scripts that you read and are instantly compelled and engaged by. It’s intelligent, chilling and engrossing.Colin Morgan

Date: 07.08.2015     Last updated: 10.08.2015 at 12.28
Category: BBC One; Casting; Drama
Colin Morgan (Humans, The Fall, Merlin) will play the lead role of Nathan Appleby in brand new eerie mystery The Living And The Dead.

The original six part series for BBC One, created by Ashley Pharoah (Life On Mars, Ashes To Ashes, Moonfleet), will also star Charlotte Spencer (Glue, Stonemouth, Line Of Duty), as Charlotte Appleby, Nathan’s wife. Charlotte was BAFTA nominated for Best Supporting Actress in 2015 and Colin won a National Television Award for Most Popular Male Drama Performance in 2013.

“What lies beneath should be left beneath”

Somerset, 1894. A house that’s almost as old as the English countryside itself. A brilliant young couple inherit the farm and are determined to start a new life together. But their presence in this isolated corner of England starts to unleash strange, unsettling and dangerous supernatural phenomena that will start to threaten their marriage.

This is a drama steeped in the eeriness of the rural world at the moment when the industrial revolution came crashing in to disrupt all the old certainties. Uncanny, intriguing, disturbing. At the series’ heart is the love story of Nathan and Charlotte Appleby: deeply in love with each other but put under extraordinary pressure, they will have to fight to save their marriage and their home.

Colin Morgan says: “The Living And The Dead is one of those scripts that you read and are instantly compelled and engaged by. It’s intelligent, chilling and engrossing. It’s going to be very special and I can’t wait to start working on it with the wonderful creative team.”

Charlotte Spencer says: “It’s always been a dream of mine to appear in a period drama and they don’t come better than this – fantastic, original scripts and, in Charlotte Appleby, a superb character who’s strong, passionate and gutsy. Couple this with an incredible director, crew and cast, I can’t wait to get started!”

Ashley Pharoah adds: “I am completely thrilled that Colin and Charlotte are joining us on our adventure. The characters they play – Nathan and Charlotte Appleby – dominate the series and I couldn’t be more excited to see what they do with them.”

Faith Penhale, Head of BBC Wales Drama Production, says: “Colin Morgan and Charlotte Spencer are two of Britain’s most exciting and talented stars and I can’t think of anyone better to bring to life Nathan and Charlotte Appleby, the beautifully drawn couple at the heart of Ashley’s bold and brilliant new series for BBC One.”

The executive producers are Ashley Pharoah and Matthew Graham for Monastic Productions, Faith Penhale, Head of BBC Wales Drama Production, and Katie McAleese for BBC Wales Drama Production.

Eliza Mellor (Poldark, Death Comes To Pemberley) is producer and director Alice Troughton (Cucumber, In The Flesh) will launch the series.

Commissioned by Charlotte Moore, Controller of BBC One, and Ben Stephenson, previous Controller of BBC Drama Commissioning, The Living And The Dead is a BBC Wales Drama production in association with Monastic Productions and co-produced with BBC America. It will be distributed internationally by BBC Worldwide.

Filming has begun in the West Country.

Notes to Editors

Photo credit: Robert Viglasky.

CK1

The Living and the Dead: Trailer – BBC One

To close so Kyle and I can get on with what little we have of OUR time off together……..

Last night before bed I did one last glance at the headlines, which I know isn’t good for my sleep but I was rewarded before Kyle accidentally flagged me and turned off the internet.  It was this Washington Post news story  by Lindsey Bever that I felt was important to share.  This story about Michael Kent and his amazing probation officer Tiffany Whittier shows me there is hope for humanity……people can change if they want to….if they try.  This story also is a current example of what my post yesterday that went into  how early childhood trauma and experiences with bullying, from the perspective of a white male, can shape that white males future: ( https://saymber.com/2017/10/07/7-oct-2017-lets-stay-together-dream-and-song/)  My brother-in-law experienced bullying when he attended a public school in New Mexico that had a population primarily made up of Hispanic children.  It got so bad that Kyle’s parents pulled him from public school and started home schooling all the kids after that.  It’s important to recognize it’s not just minorities who suffer in this way.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2017/10/07/the-ironic-friendship-that-convinced-a-former-neo-nazi-to-erase-his-swastika-tattoos/?utm_term=.8d363a35b126

The ‘ironic’ friendship that convinced a former neo-Nazi to erase his swastika tattoos

The Washington Post
Lindsey Bever
Michael Kent and an unidentified “comrade” in Phoenix in 2006.
© Courtesy of Michael Kent Michael Kent and an unidentified “comrade” in Phoenix in 2006. Michael Kent’s dedication to a racist cause was spelled out in ink on his skin.

 The white supremacist symbol “1488” on the back of his neck.

The swastikas drawn on his neck and chest.

And the “WHITE PRIDE” banner stretching from shoulder to shoulder.

Kent got the tattoos in prison, when he was still a neo-Nazi — earning each letter in “WHITE PRIDE” by, he said, “messing people up.”

“I was a real piece of crap,” Kent told The Washington Post. “I regret a lot of stuff that I did. But I can’t take it back, and I’m glad because it made me who I am today.”

Kent, 38, said he is now having his neo-Nazi tattoos covered up after making the decision to leave a life of hate behind him.

Subscribe to the Post Most newsletter: Today’s most popular stories on The Washington Post

That decision, he first told ABC News, grew slowly out of a surprising friendship with his probation officer — a black woman.

“I told her if it wasn’t for her, I’d still be deep into this stuff,” he said.

Tiffany Whittier, a probation officer in Pinal County, Ariz., was assigned to handle Kent’s case a decade ago.

Kent, who had served time on drug and weapons charges, was released from prison in 2006; about a year later, his probation case was transferred to Whittier.

Until then, he said, his probation officers had always visited him in pairs.

Then Whittier got his file — which included pictures of his tattoos — and she visited him at his house alone.

That earned her instant respect from Kent, who said he was emotionally moved by her boldness — by the fact that she didn’t fear him or what he represented.

“She showed up, and I lost it,” he said.

His house was cluttered with Nazi gear — including a decal reading “extreme hatred” over an image of Adolf Hitler, with a swastika and Nazi Germany’s iron cross. There were also German war flags.

“She asked me why,” Kent said. “I told her, ‘This is me — take it or leave it.’ ”

Whittier said it was not her job to judge Kent. She was simply there to make sure he did not violate his probation and wind up back in prison.

Still, she did not stay silent.

One Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Kent asked Whittier: “Why are you working on James Earl Ray Day?” She sternly told him his remarks were inappropriate.

Another time, she half-jokingly told Kent that he should replace his Nazi symbols with smiley faces — and he did it. His nickname was Smiley, he explained, and it “made a lot of sense.” So he put posters of smiley faces where racism had once been on display.

As time went on, Kent said he started leaning on Whittier for support.

When his first child was born.

When he and his girlfriend broke up — then got back together, eventually marrying.

And then when they divorced.

In the middle of it all, in 2010, Kent completed his probation.

And, Whittier said, their professional relationship started to develop into an “ironic” friendship.

As his life progressed, he said, so, too, did his views about race.

“Michael did the work,” Whittier said. But, she said, she is glad that she had “an impact on him.”

Kent said it was the respect that Whittier showed that made him want to take down the Nazi symbols. He did so out of respect for her, he said.

His neo-Nazi views, he said, evolved from racial encounters growing up in a mostly black neighborhood in Erie, Pa. He was bullied by black children, he said, and his mother was assaulted by a black man.

He said a man broke into her window and climbed on top of her, but she drew a gun and started shooting at him.

Kent was only 6 or 7 at the time, he said. He started to see black people in a negative way, and his hatred for them “started growing stronger and stronger and stronger” until he became a full-fledged “skinhead.”

In the 1990s, he started to join demonstrations, including a neo-Nazi rally in Arizona to support the state’s controversial immigration bill, SB 1070.

He said he “destroyed people’s lives” — both by recruiting others into his racist lifestyle, and by “putting boots to people” of other races.

Over the years, Kent found himself in and out of prison.

He said he doesn’t even remember why he went to jail the first time, when he was a young teen; but records show that in the early 2000s, he was put in prison for the first time for dangerous drug violations, theft, trafficking stolen property and promoting prison contraband — a charge he said stemmed from a stint in county jail in the late 1990s, when he brought drugs into the correctional system.

He was later imprisoned on a weapons charge. Kent said he had attempted suicide with a gun — which, as a felon, he was not permitted to have in his possession.

It was in prison, Kent said, that he got his Nazi tattoos; prisoners melted down chess pieces, hair grease and Styrofoam cups, mixed the soot with soap, and then injected it with sharp guitar strings.

But eventually, Kent said, those symbols — and that lifestyle — were in his past, and he wanted to leave them there.

He explained to Whittier that he had started to see people differently — learning not to judge, but to accept them.

So Redemption Ink, a nonprofit whose website states that it gives free coverups to people with “marks of gangs, prejudice, and hate in the form of a tattoo,” connected Kent with a tattoo shop in Colorado, where he now lives.

“We called him and said, ‘We’d like to be the next step in your journey,’” David Brown, co-owner of Fallen Heroes Tattoo in Colorado Springs, told The Post. “Michael was truly committed to this deal.”

Kent has had some sessions and still has more to go — but, Brown said, he is on his way to closing “this chapter in his life.”

Now, Kent said, he lives alone in Colorado, where he works 60 to 80 hours a week on a chicken farm — doing maintenance, managing heavy equipment and even making the feed for the chickens.

He said it’s “hectic,” but he enjoys it.

And Kent said he owes it all to a black probation officer who gave him a chance.

“Because of her,” Kent said, “I am the man I am.”

Michael Kent and Tiffany Whittier in 2017.© Courtesy of Michael Kent Michael Kent and Tiffany Whittier in 2017. This story has been updated.

Source: Washington Post/internet
and courtesy Michael Kent: Michael Kent and Tiffany Whittier

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