3 Oct 2018 Fighting with Yourself

Hello to you.  It’s 4:54 pm on this Wednesday as I write to you.   As I mentioned in my previous blog I’ve been on a sort of retreat with the God of my understanding and yesterday part of the curriculum involved not being very nice to myself in the mirror.  I’ve always been one to encourage people to look in the mirror and say “I love you” to themselves.  I didn’t do that yesterday.  It was quite the opposite.   I stood in front of our bathroom mirror for probably  twenty minutes or more and told the person looking back at me exactly what I thought of them.  I had nothing nice to say.  Pure hate, loathing and disgust.  In a nutshell…..”I fucking hate you.”

Instead of throwing objects, I threw words at myself….trying to break me.  Obviously it didn’t work!

This isn’t a regular thing for me to do.  To stand in front of a mirror and berate myself for even existing…..it’s not my fault I’m here after all.

Part of making peace with who or whatever I am supposed to be seems to include  addressing the distasteful and unsavory aspects of my human nature.

As I’ve been exploring my personal life and the existence I’m part of in numeric values,  a lot of anger and rage has been coming up that I know will never have resolution.  There will never be closure so I have to let it go and I’m working on this.

I actually feel stronger for facing my life this way.   I am learning not to hold on so tight.

Since I’ve started on this numbers journey, it’s starting to feel a bit like the Matrix movie.  It feels like each of us is a coded part of the entire system.  It’s like the original programmer wrote it, pressed Enter and walked away!  It’s not easy to be a part of this system unless you completely just don’t give a fuck about anything at all.  There are people like that but even those people have buttons that can be pushed to piss them off.  The people that act like everything is peachy keen all the time are ones to watch out for!   They are the ones who lose their shit in very big ways.

If someone tells me their life is easy, I know they are lying to me and to themselves.

We saw my medicine doctor today and she wondered if I wanted to try a new medication, take something for sleep and I said no.  There is nothing of this earth, kind of like when our Sammy died, that can “fix this.”  There is a space within me that only God fits, only God as I understand them can give me any sort of relief.  The prescription of my God is time.   I don’t know how many refills I have lol, so just not going to worry about it!  Just like I learned in AA, just keep doing the next right thing and be grateful.

god is time in Simple Gematria equals: 101/2/1 

By my sharing this stuff I’m going through, I’m not looking for pity or sympathy.  I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I want you to learn from me and grow as a person. 

“We are the light and shadows stitched together with flesh, blood and light. ”   

we are the light and shadows stitched together with flesh blood and light in Simple Gematria equals: 668/20/2/1 

what is the purpose of existence in Simple Gematria equals: 348/15/6/3 or 15 divided by 2 = 7.5 = 12/6/3 cycle

what is the function of existence in Simple Gematria equals: 340/7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

what is the purpose of a computer program in Simple Gematria equals: 444/12/6/3 cycle

what is the function of a computer program in Simple Gematria equals: 436/13/4/2/1 or 13 divided by 2 = 6.5 = 11 divided by 2 = 5.5 = 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

enter in Simple Gematria equals: 62/8 (God = 26)

delete in Simple Gematria equals: 51/6/3 cycle

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1 Sept 2018 Rv’s, Woman in the mirror (dreams) and Vanessa Marquez (ER)

Hello to you.  It’s one of those weird mornings after having many dreams, some very vivid.  Dreaming about RV’s (mobile home) some of which were self-driving and that didn’t go well, a fancy replica sword in the RV, meeting a Valkyrie (cosplay) in a parking lot asking me to coffee and then her and two other people, Kyle the dogs and I ending up at some Comic-con and looking at “blobs of plastic” aka action figures and monster toys with big eyes.

I told Kyle I wonder if instead of a car I’m an RV.  He said, “As long as you aren’t carrying too many unwanted passengers!”

The one that woke me up was the woman in the mirror.  She looked familiar to me, almost like the woman I met awhile back with the 68 shirt and the dog in our neighborhood.  She also looked like the nice Valkyrie from the parking lot!  She had honey-blonde or light brown hair and dark green eyes.  She was talking to me and as she was talking I was saying what she was saying if that makes any sense.  I could almost hear my voice while I was asleep saying what she was saying.  She said, “Don’t forget about me Jackie, I’m not that old.”  Then her eyes turned red and I woke up with a warm sensation in the middle of my head at either side of my temples.  It was one of the strangest dream experiences I’ve had in awhile and if you have been following along, you know I’ve had several strange and wonderful experiences!

As I lay in bed reflecting on her eyes turning red, I remembered that when our eyes reflect light they flash red.  Like when someone takes our picture.  It doesn’t necessarily mean something evil.  It’s a phenomenon.

Has anyone else had anything like this happen?

This morning tears have been shed, yet again, for more tragic death in the news.  When I read what happened to Vanessa I felt my heart break.  This could have been me a few months ago!  Kyle called the police to come out to our house because he was afraid I was going to hurt myself.  They had guns too.  Thanks be to God our cops here know me for more than just this part of who I am and were very understanding and kind to me.  To me, this is another example of what’s gone wrong with the system.

As a person who has had several “altered states experiences” now, I’ve begun to wonder about these sorts of scenarios.  Sometimes I wonder how much say we really have once our spirit has decided it wants to leave the “car” it’s in.  I don’t know if that makes sense but that’s what I’ve begun to see.   How many of these scenarios have we seen now?

https://www.mercurynews.com/2018/05/11/report-mentally-ill-are-in-nearly-40-percent-of-south-bay-police-shootings/ – excerpt

“In the most definitive look yet at a growing public-safety problem facing South Bay police today, a new civil grand jury report reveals that nearly 40 percent of officer shootings in Santa Clara County involve someone who is mentally ill.

So the watchdog group is urging law enforcement agencies and public health officials to step up training and resources to combat the troublesome trend.

The grand jury found that nine of the 31 people killed in county officer-involved shootings between 2013 and 2017 suffered from a serious mental illness, and that 22 of the 56 total police shootings during that period — including those that were non-fatal — involved a mental-health crisis.”

9 out of 31….not good!   Why aren’t police officers just shooting someone in the leg, an arm or tackling them in these scenarios?  I think self-preservation probably plays a big part in these scenarios….”it’s them or me.”

I wonder if the “driver” of the body knows just what to do in such scenarios to make it possible to escape the car.  Are all accidents just accidents?  Are all murders just murder?  Is mercy somehow mingled in all of this?  I don’t truly know!  Could it be a hostile takeover by the organisms, bacteria, viruses etc. in the body?  Could it be a coup by the energy source within us, the soul?  Another mystery of the many mysteries of this life.

I truly hope Vanessa has found her heaven and that she has found happiness.

 

Image result for vanessa marquez

Source is Internet

https://www.msn.com/en-us/tv/news/er-actress-shot-and-killed-by-south-pasadena-police-during-wellness-check-at-home/ar-BBMIbOL?OCID=ansmsnnews11

‘ER’ actress shot and killed by South Pasadena police during wellness check at home

Hannah Fry, Laura Newberry

19 hrs ago

Actress Vanessa Marquez was identified by authorities Friday as the 49-year-old woman shot and killed by police a day earlier during a welfare check at her apartment in South Pasadena.

Marquez was best known for her recurring role as nurse Wendy Goldman on the popular medical drama “ER,” which ran for 15 seasons until 2009. Marquez appeared on the show from 1994 to 1997.

More recently, Marquez used social media to reference her struggles with celiac disease and seizures. She wrote on Facebook in March that she was “terminally ill.”

She also grabbed headlines last year when she accused her “ER” co-star George Clooney of helping to blacklist her from the series. He denied the allegations. Marquez’s landlord called police Thursday to request a wellness check on her, Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department Lt. Joe Mendoza said. She was having a seizure when authorities arrived at her apartment, in the 1100 block of Fremont Avenue, about noon.

Officers and a county mental health clinician spoke with Marquez for more than 90 minutes in an effort to persuade her to accept medical help. Police said she was “uncooperative,” may have been suffering from mental health issues and appeared to be unable to care for herself.

Then, while they were talking, Marquez grabbed what they thought was a semiautomatic handgun and pointed it at them, Mendoza said.

Two officers fired at her, striking her at least once in the torso, Mendoza said.

The officers retrieved a weapon after the shooting and determined it was a BB gun that resembled a pistol, Mendoza said.

Marquez was taken to a hospital, where she was pronounced dead.

The Sheriff’s Department is investigating, as is common in police shootings. The names of the officers involved have not been released.

A similar incident involving South Pasadena police occurred in June 2017, when authorities said 41-year-old Marco Cardoza pointed what appeared to be a handgun at officers who were attempting to serve a warrant at his Burbank home. Multiple officers fired their weapons at Cardoza, who was pronounced dead at the scene. Detectives later learned that the man’s pistol was a replica.

hannah.fry@latimes.com

 

“The devil made me do it” = 174/12/3 cycle  devil = 52/7  God = 26/8  Jesus Christ = 151/7

30 Aug 2018 A Long Time Ago (1990’s) and Hold On (Wilson Phillips)

Hello to you.  Doesn’t it seem like 1990 was such a long time ago?!  A whopping 28 years!  So much has happened for those of us that have been here all that time.  Today I had a pity party for myself.  Sometimes it’s good to cry it out, bitch, whine and moan a bit.   To point at the piles of dog poop in the backyard and make self comparisons…”yeah that one is definitely me today.”   My poor backyard that has to listen to this!  I had a bird walk by me while I was sitting out back tonight blubbering.  It stopped and just stared at me with that”what is your problem” look.  Kept on walking.  Anyways, I hope this finds you well.  If you are feeling a bit low too, just do the best you can.  Remember, it’s inside work!

Nineteen ninety = 173

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billboard_Year-End_Hot_100_singles_of_1990

Hold on = 68  by Wilson Phillips = 193 Number One = 107 = 368  (I was born in 1968 – go figure!  Perfect song and message for me today!)

Wilson Phillips – Hold On

Hold On

I know there’s pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don’t ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Some day somebody’s gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don’t you know?
Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things’ll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin’ your worries pass you by
Don’t you think it’s worth your time
To change your mind?

Some day somebody’s gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don’t you know?
Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things’ll go your way
Hold on for one more day

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebody’s gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don’t you know?
Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won’t you tell me now
Hold on for one more day ‘Cause
It’s gonna go your way

Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can’t you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on

Songwriters: Carnie Wilson,Chynna Phillips,Glen Ballard
© Universal Music Publishing Group
For non-commercial use only.
Data from: LyricFind

 

 

 

15 May 2018 Fixing broken things

Hello to you.  Hope you are well today.  I am a little tired and not feeling real rested.  I had another traveling dream this morning.  There were small lime green cars and traveling to Sophie, my niece I think.  I was in one of the cars and as I was getting ready to drive away, a couple other versions of the same car I was driving got in my way.  Then I drove down a hill through what seemed to be like a bunch of shopping carts and the car I was driving was all beat up at the bottom of the hill.  Then there was a blurry image of a blonde girl at the end of the dream just before I woke up.  Anyways….those kinds of dreams aren’t very restful lol!

During my last “cycle” I went through, things got pretty wild here at the house.  I was literally not myself and things got broken.  For some reason, this time more than others, specific objects had a strong association with unpleasant feelings I had about certain people and or situations and there was bloodshed and they got broken.  The blue and red blown glass dragons I had kept fixing were irretrievably broken.  Kyle, out of frustration,  even got into the act this time.  I am happy to say, out of the wreckage, there was beauty.  Sometimes it feels like I am under siege by unseen forces and thankfully it’s just material “things” that get broken!  Being an empathic, highly sensitive person, I am very porous and if I’m not careful, can be an easy mark for spiritual mischief makers.  I am so grateful for Kyle, Link, Spot and my family and friends that know to just “stand-by” until the channel changes.

2 18 15 11 5 14

B R O K E N = 65

 

10 Feb 2018 We Lead By Our Example

Hello to you.  Last night Kyle and I watched the Olympics Opening Ceremonies and I was brought to tears by the beauty of what I saw and also very disappointed in my country.  My favorite moments included watching The Map to The Stars – it brought tears to my eyes.  It has been so refreshing for Kyle and I to see new faces, hear new stories and learn about a culture that is so intricately woven into our own.  Kyle even recognized the Cardinal Directions.    He used to buy and read Manga and he introduced me to anime which we both now really enjoy.

http://ecumenicalbuddhism.blogspot.com/2010/02/four-symbols-five-cardinal-directions.html – excerpt, recommend if this peaks your curiosity you read this.

The Four Symbols (Chinese: 四象; pinyin: Sì Xiàng) are four mythological creatures in the Chinese constellations. They are:

  • Azure Dragon of the East (青龍)
  • Vermillion Bird of the South (朱雀)
  • White Tiger of the West (白虎)
  • Black Tortoise of the North (玄武)

Each one of them represents a direction and a season of the year, and each has its own individual characteristics and origins. They have been portrayed in many historical Chinese and Korean myths and fiction, and also appear in many modern Japanese comic books and animation.

 

9 Feb 2018 – My thoughts lead me to the Akashic records. One of my favorite vampire flicks, Queen of the Damned starred Aaliyah who played Akasha…the Mother of all vamps.

The Box, Map to the Stars reference makes sense to me now as it was part of the Opening Ceremonies for the Winter Games to include a man who sat in a box and I was disappointed in his behavior, #2 Mike Pence.  Here was an opportunity for launching a path to peace and our country made choices to the contrary.  This is what conditional love looks like to me.   Progress not perfection though, at least all the “players” were there and willing to be in the same physical vicinity as one another.   It’s not the “body” that matters, it’s the behavior of the energy wearing the body that does.  Actions speak louder than words.    If you want peace in this world, you are going to have to work a lot harder on your behavior to get it.  It’s about behavior when it comes to the quality of our character not our physical appearance or presence.

13 Oct 2016 – It looks like for this particular game, the white piece defeated another white piece….

 Kim Jong-un’s sister Kim Yo-jong showed great courage to me, a woman, trying to lead by her example and at least try to change the course of history.  When I watched her, I had to smile.  She strikes me as someone with a wicked sense of humor.  I know there are “violations” and “wrongs” that have happened but America has lead by it’s example with blood on the streets every day.  How many mass shootings in just these few days of the year in this country.  We are in no position to judge anyone.

Leadership is solving problems. The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help or concluded you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-43003564

Winter Olympics 2018: Pence skips dinner with N Koreans

US Vice-President Pence (R) was seated near Kim Jong-un's sister Kim Yo-jong (L) at the opening ceremonyImage copyright AFP/Getty Images
Image caption Kim Jong-un’s sister Kim Yo-jong was seated in the row behind US Vice-President Mike Pence at the opening ceremony

US Vice-President Mike Pence has skipped a dinner at which he was due to share a table with North Korea’s ceremonial head of state Kim Yong-nam.

Mr Pence briefly encountered Mr Kim but they tried to avoid directly facing each other, Yonhap news agency reports.

Later South Korean President Moon Jae-in shook hands with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un’s sister, Kim Yo-jong, at the Winter Olympics opening ceremony.

The Games are taking place amid tension over North Korea’s nuclear programme.

Mr Yong-nam did briefly meet with United Nations Secretary-General Antonio Guterres at the dinner. According to a UN spokesperson, Mr Guterres reiterated a hope for “peaceful denuclearisation” on the peninsula.

What happened at the dinner?

Mr Pence and Kim Yong-nam were being hosted by President Moon before the opening ceremony in Pyeongchang.

But the US vice-president left the reception venue after five minutes, South Korea’s Yonhap said.

While Mr Moon and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe both shook hands with Mr Kim, Mr Pence did not, South Korean officials said.

Media playback is unsupported on your device

What we’ve seen of Kim Yo-jong from North Korean media

Exit player

Media captionWhat we’ve seen of Kim Yo-jong from North Korean media

At the event Mr Moon said he hoped the Winter Olympics would be remembered as the “day peace began”. He is due to meet the North Korean delegation for talks on Saturday according to Yonhap.

At the opening ceremony, Mr Pence, Kim Yo-jong and Kim Yong-nam were seated in close proximity to each other.

Mr Pence has brought to South Korea as a guest Fred Warmbier, the father of a young American who died after being released from prison in North Korea.

Who is Kim Yo-jong?

The highest profile member of the North Korean delegation to the Games, she is the first immediate member of the North’s ruling family to visit the South since the 1950-1953 Korean war.

Ms Kim, who is said to be very close to her brother, was promoted to the North’s powerful politburo last year.

She is on a US sanctions list over alleged links to human rights abuses in North Korea.

Ms Kim is thought to be about 30 years old, around four years younger than her brother.

Ms Kim (C) shook hands with Mr Moon at the opening ceremonyImage copyright Reuters
Image caption North Korea’s Ms Kim shook hands with South Korea’s Mr Moon at the opening ceremony

Her visit is being seen as a sign that Kim Jong-un is serious about improving ties with the South, the BBC’s South Korea correspondent Laura Bicker reports.

She adds that some are also speculating that Ms Kim might be bringing a message from her brother.

How will the Koreas compete at the Games?

Athletes from both North and South Korea marched under one flag at the opening ceremony, bringing spectators to their feet.

They are also fielding a joint women’s ice hockey team.

Alongside 22 athletes, Pyongyang has sent more than 400 delegates to the Games, including a team of cheerleaders and an orchestra.

North and South Korean athletes marched under one flag at the opening ceremonyImage copyright AFP/Getty
Image caption North and South Korean athletes marched under one flag at the opening ceremony

However the opening ceremony was not shown on North Korean state TV, which was broadcasting patriotic songs and slogans celebrating industry and the armed forces.

Have relations warmed?

Experts have cautioned that the current burst of sports diplomacy does not put an end to underlying regional tensions.

On Thursday North Korea had held a military parade that was originally scheduled for April but was brought forward.

Nevertheless, 2018 has got the countries off on an improved footing.

Kim Jong-un surprised many in his televised new-year speech, when – amid threats against the US – he expressed support for the Winter Olympics and a wish to “melt the frozen North-South relations”.

The South had already said the North would be welcome to send a delegation, but few believed it would happen.

Later in January, a communications hotline was reinstated between the two countries, whose authorities then met for the first high-level talks in two years.

The Korean peninsula has been divided since the 1950-53 war and the two sides have never signed a peace treaty.

9 Feb 2018 Love and Abandonment (Morning meditation)

9 Feb 2018 /1019 am

I was outside preparing to do some “chalking” when a revelation about connection between “wisdom,” Why of Life and Death and Tree of Life came. It was instigated by my finding seeds that blew down from cotton tree to my hoodie. My good friend the cotton tree helping me again. What came brought forth a lot of tears. If I (we as a species) had remained ignorant, didn’t need to find out why (curiosity) I (we) wouldn’t know or care about living and dying. Sentience and consciousness, “awareness” would never have happened and may be we would have been happier — “Ignorance is Bliss” philosophy.

17 May 2017 – Cottonwood seed ships

Love changed everything because with love comes “attachment.” Something I learned more about through Buddhism’s the 4 Noble Truths and the 8 Fold Path. When you lose something or someone you love more than “existence” you will tear heaven and earth apart to find it, reclaim it. What I was willing to do at Mesa Springs when I didn’t know where Kyle was. What happened to me for 3 years after we lost our Sammy.

Source Internet: Seed of Life. I loved that this is made in stained glass with chakra colors.

Abandonment creates some of the largest energy vortexes, human black holes. It can be “perceived” or intentional abandonment but the abandoned feel it all the same. Why?!Where did you go?! When are you coming back?! Will you come back?!

(My mother, my Grandparents….all those I’ve loved and lost for whatever reason. I had to grieve and heal — fill the holes their “abandonment of me” left behind.

All of us have lost people, places and things through our shared journey. Are we so attached to these that we are willing to destroy ourselves and a planet to retrieve them? This is just what I see for myself. I hope there is something in this morning meditation that resonates with you….is helpful. I would ask you, what positive, loving aspect of existence can you put in the “holes” some sort of abandonment has made in your mind, body and most importantly your soul?

What do I do? All through my blogs here is what I’ve learned to do for myself with unseen guidance and loving nudges from the tangible elements that surround me. The arts, meaningful work, chores, spirituality, helping others and educating myself about people, places and things I don’t understand before making judgements about them. It is in the latter I have come to realize I can judge no one nor is there anyone on this earth who can either. We are all imperfect and it is in that imperfection we are amazing creations capable of greatness beyond our wildest dreams. We are here for each other. No one person can fix this shared mess our world has become. We must learn to build bridges instead of more walls.

17-feb-2011-my-puppy-sammy-and-his-tennis-ball (Sammy crossed the rainbow bridge 27 April 2011)

My Mom Jeanne and my Grandpa Harold (Hal) Becker on her wedding day, 21 Nov 1965.

8 Feb 2018 Dr. Wilhelm Reich books The Cancer biopathy and Function of the Orgasm Alvarado TX

8 Feb 2018 Jackie Wygant Blue Book for Alcoholics Anonymous Alvarado TX meditation about addiction like sugar etc

8 Feb 2018 Two books from Grandma Becker and Aunt Ruth to help me heal inside when I was younger I read from How to Be your own best friend out loud Alvarado TX

1 Feb 2018 Life and Art

Hello there.  It’s 7:50 am on this Thursday morning as I write to you.  I hope you are well.  I had a frustrating time last night trying to get good pictures of the rare moon lol.  This drawing about sums it up:

31 Jan 2018 – drawing I did yesterday afternoon. Well later in the evening, when I was fighting with my Nikon to get pictures of the lovely moon, the figure in this drawing makes me think of how frustrated I was lol. People kept driving by each time I was trying to concentrate and it wasn’t their fault, just frustrating living behind a busy road!

Anyhew, we then tried to watch Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Men Tell No Tales and that didn’t help my mood either.  Kyle will probably be finishing it by himself.  He’s more of a fan of the Pirates theme then I am.  I showed Kyle the drawing I had done earlier.  Many of the themes in it were like what we were watching in the movie that ironically had the Blood Moon as part of the story, “the compass in the eye”:

31 Jan 2018 – My drawing yesterday, Convergence, which seems to have a lot of elements from the Pirates of the Caribbean movie Dead Men Tell No Tales Kyle, at random, decided we were going to watch last night. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirates_of_the_Caribbean:_Dead_Men_Tell_No_Tales

The dream I had before waking was interesting.  There was something about a pretty girl in a library who could sing.  I wanted to get to know her and get closer, but another guy was in the way blocking me.  He even put his feet in my face saying in an irritated voice, “Do you mind?!”   Then there was the part with other kids in the library and my telling them everything is energy, everything is alive, “Just look at the core of the earth!  All living things have souls!”

This dream calls to mind the stories from the show Glee.  There were many relationship rivalries to include what was going on with Corey Monteith and Mark Salling and their characters in the show.  How difficult it must be for actors and actresses to just turn on and turn off  their emotions.   What if something real evolves but it is not reciprocated or too many would be harmed to go any further?  This problem resonates with me and my own experience playing FFXI.  I was married when I met Kyle online and initially we were just role playing and then it evolved.  A lot of damage was done to make our relationship happen.  We both have paid for our choice but do I regret it?  No.  That’s my honest answer.  The only thing I regret, is hurting my ex-husband.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and have had to pay for them in one way or another – my conscience, my heart and the God of my understanding won’t allow for anything else.  When you do something wrong, you have to own it and do the best you can to make amends to those you have harmed in doing that wrong.  You don’t pile new wrongs on top and bury things.  Burying your poor choices just makes it worse.

31 Jan 2018 – Only picture that turned out from last night and ironically the background is bluer than the actual moon lol.

2 Jan 2018 Super Moon and Sum of the parts (Drawing)

1 Jan 2018 – When I drew this yesterday I didn’t consciously know about the coming Super Moon. When I added the white dots for stars I guess I should of got a clue lol. This figure is very Marilyn Monroey to me and I also was thinking of the Woman in White but had more pink chalk than white.

1 Jan 2018 – view of the Wolf or Super Moon from our back yard. I am experimenting with Nikon my in-laws gave me. Need more practice. I used to use cameras with light filters! We are so spoiled now aren’t we?!

1 Jan 2018 – I loved that I was on my computer and turned to see the moon watching over my shoulder through the window! So beautiful!

1 Jan 2018 – Drawing I did yesterday afternoon. The thoughts of “sum of the parts” came to mind. How with the light and shadow parts of ourselves we are one body trying to navigate this complex existence.

These folks had some great pictures people around the world took of the Wolf or Super Moon if you are curious.

My favorite was this one:

Source Earthsky article: moon-full-supermoon-1-1-2018-Prague-Czech-Republic-Raymond-Johnston-e1514850292329

Raymond Johnston caught the January 1, 2018 supermoon from Prague, Czech Republic.

http://earthsky.org/todays-image/photos-years-closest-supermoon-jan-1-2018

See it! New Year’s supermoon

By Deborah Byrd in Human World | Today’s Image | January 2, 2018

What a great way to start 2018! Photos here from the EarthSky community of 2018’s closest and brightest supermoon. Thanks to all who submitted, and happy new year to all!

My prayers go out to those in this world that have a new year already filled with struggle, strife, sorrow and tragedies.  It seems inescapable except for one place of our choosing – within.  I revisited a mantra this morning, thanks to noticing someone visited a blog I wrote a couple of years ago (thank you mystery person!).   I need to make it a resolution for this year.

Yesterday I was outside and the sky was clear for the first day in a couple of weeks and sure enough, the “sprayers” came and just pooped all over the clear sky!  Oh I was angry!  I allowed myself to be angry about something I’m pretty much powerless to do anything about.  I had some ideas in my fit of anger of course, but any of those would involve me spending the rest of my existence behind bars!  I think focusing on this line of thinking in the mantra from this old blog is a much better idea.  Getting angry at people, who Kyle suspects don’t even know are doing this – they are just flying their planes because they can, is like drinking someone else’s poison expecting to cure yourself!!

This picture is an example of what the “sprayers” do:

25 Nov 2017 – all the crap in the sky yesterday morning. Sometimes I wonder if they aren’t doing a sky sweeping to clean it because there hasn’t been any rain coming from this activity.

https://saymber.com/2016/09/16/15-sept-2016-it-seems-like-people-in-positions-of-power-and-authority-have-thrown-their-hearts-into-the-garbage-service-to-the-money-god/

“It doesn’t matter what THEY are doing, what matters is what I am doing. What matters is how I react, think and feel and do in my day to day life.   I will pray for the greatest good that can be for my fellow beings that seem to have thrown away their hearts for money, wealth and power and hope the Source, “God” of all my understanding is more forgiving than I can ever hope to be.”

27 Dec 2017 Peace Fragile As Glass and Metallica – The Unforgiven (Video)

Hello to you.  It’s 7:55 am as I write from here.  Another gray and cold day it looks like!  We had a nice holiday with Kyle’s family and got to see Link’s (and ours) family for a short visit before they headed back to Oklahoma.  Erin talked me into reactivating my Facebook account to keep in touch.  I went through and basically sterilized whatever I’m following.  Got what shows up in my feed to mostly just family and friends versus famous people who don’t have anything to do with the pages in their names.  I’m sure I won’t be missed lol.  I also whittled out a bunch of other stuff that I allow to depress and anger me.  Testing the waters!  I go back in knowing full well that I chose to do so.

This morning I had something interesting happen when I tried to attach a star to a tree of life I had made that hangs on my bathroom mirror.  Just as I tried to attach the “broken star”, the glass peace symbol I’ve shared here before fell off and shattered!  I cut myself trying to pick up the pieces.  Is this symbolic or what?!  It was to me.  Peace is as fragile as glass and if you wreck it, there is bloodshed!

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/662577-glass-peace-alike-betray-proof-of-fragility-under-repeated

David Mitchell

“Glass & peace alike betray proof of fragility under repeated blows.”

David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

Yesterday I moved a bunch of “my stuff” into what was Amber and May’s room aka “the cat room”.  When I tried to remove the cat tree, I felt what I would describe as a “claw to my heart” and I burst into tears!  Yep….felt a physical pain in my heart at the mere thought of removing the tree.  So that tells me I’m still grieving and need to wait before passing the tree on to our friend Rhonda’s two cat boys Gio and Cocoa!
Dreamt about going to see Metallica this morning.  What’s funny is Kyle is the one who has seen them live!
Metallica – The Unforgiven (Video)

METALLICA – The Unforgiven Lyrics

Artist: METALLICA

Album: The Black Album

Genre: Rock

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he’s subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on

He’s known, a vow unto his own
That never from this day, his will they’ll take away

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown
Never be, never see
Won’t see what might have been

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown
Never free, never me
So I dub thee unforgiven

They dedicate their lives
To running all of his
He tries to please them all
This bitter man he is

Throughout his life the same
He’s battled constantly
This fight, he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares

The old man then prepares
To die regretfully, that old man here is me

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown
Never be, never see
Won’t see what might have been

What I’ve felt, what I’ve known
Never shined through in what I’ve shown
Never free, never me
So I dub the unforgiven

You labeled me, I’ll label you
So I dub the unforgiven