3 Oct 2018 Fighting with Yourself

Hello to you.  It’s 4:54 pm on this Wednesday as I write to you.   As I mentioned in my previous blog I’ve been on a sort of retreat with the God of my understanding and yesterday part of the curriculum involved not being very nice to myself in the mirror.  I’ve always been one to encourage people to look in the mirror and say “I love you” to themselves.  I didn’t do that yesterday.  It was quite the opposite.   I stood in front of our bathroom mirror for probably  twenty minutes or more and told the person looking back at me exactly what I thought of them.  I had nothing nice to say.  Pure hate, loathing and disgust.  In a nutshell…..”I fucking hate you.”

Instead of throwing objects, I threw words at myself….trying to break me.  Obviously it didn’t work!

This isn’t a regular thing for me to do.  To stand in front of a mirror and berate myself for even existing…..it’s not my fault I’m here after all.

Part of making peace with who or whatever I am supposed to be seems to include  addressing the distasteful and unsavory aspects of my human nature.

As I’ve been exploring my personal life and the existence I’m part of in numeric values,  a lot of anger and rage has been coming up that I know will never have resolution.  There will never be closure so I have to let it go and I’m working on this.

I actually feel stronger for facing my life this way.   I am learning not to hold on so tight.

Since I’ve started on this numbers journey, it’s starting to feel a bit like the Matrix movie.  It feels like each of us is a coded part of the entire system.  It’s like the original programmer wrote it, pressed Enter and walked away!  It’s not easy to be a part of this system unless you completely just don’t give a fuck about anything at all.  There are people like that but even those people have buttons that can be pushed to piss them off.  The people that act like everything is peachy keen all the time are ones to watch out for!   They are the ones who lose their shit in very big ways.

If someone tells me their life is easy, I know they are lying to me and to themselves.

We saw my medicine doctor today and she wondered if I wanted to try a new medication, take something for sleep and I said no.  There is nothing of this earth, kind of like when our Sammy died, that can “fix this.”  There is a space within me that only God fits, only God as I understand them can give me any sort of relief.  The prescription of my God is time.   I don’t know how many refills I have lol, so just not going to worry about it!  Just like I learned in AA, just keep doing the next right thing and be grateful.

god is time in Simple Gematria equals: 101/2/1 

By my sharing this stuff I’m going through, I’m not looking for pity or sympathy.  I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I want you to learn from me and grow as a person. 

“We are the light and shadows stitched together with flesh, blood and light. ”   

we are the light and shadows stitched together with flesh blood and light in Simple Gematria equals: 668/20/2/1 

what is the purpose of existence in Simple Gematria equals: 348/15/6/3 or 15 divided by 2 = 7.5 = 12/6/3 cycle

what is the function of existence in Simple Gematria equals: 340/7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

what is the purpose of a computer program in Simple Gematria equals: 444/12/6/3 cycle

what is the function of a computer program in Simple Gematria equals: 436/13/4/2/1 or 13 divided by 2 = 6.5 = 11 divided by 2 = 5.5 = 10 divided by 2 = 5 divided by 2 = 2.5 = 7 divided by 2 = 3.5 = 8/4/2/1

enter in Simple Gematria equals: 62/8 (God = 26)

delete in Simple Gematria equals: 51/6/3 cycle


5 comments on “3 Oct 2018 Fighting with Yourself

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