Hello to you. I am stopping in here after putting together an 8 page letter to family and friends telling them why I don’t want them to write “real” letters to me now. Have you ever been in a really negative head space and it just seems almost impossible to climb out of it? I’m in that sort of space right now. For several years now, my Mom and her long time friend have been writing letters to me and for a time, I was o.k. with that. Lately, however, it feels like anything coming to me from outside the house just sets me off into a sometimes angry tirade. For the past couple of months it seems like I can barely keep a lid on my own problems. Having others send me details of all their personal issues isn’t helpful right now and makes what I’m going through even worse.
The people live far away and are going through some pretty serious stuff, most of which I can do little if anything about. I feel like a jerk and or callous for not being more compassionate or my normal understanding self but it’s just not there like it used to be. The folks writing to me really mean well and their hearts are in the right place but I just can’t deal with it. This may sound paranoid or weird, but I don’t even trust where or from whom the letters are coming from sometimes! I guess I’m just having severe trust issues with just about everyone and everything! They know I have this blog, so may be they’ll read this and it will help them get a better understanding.
Like I said, it wasn’t always this way. Part of my problem with the letters stems from what to do with them after I’ve read them. For a time I was even scanning them into my computer and saving them as a way to try and preserve them. The reason was because the stories that are in the letters get lost in time and history. They are like time capsules, or snippets of journals from someone’s life and I worry that if I don’t keep them, they will be lost.
I used to care about preserving letters, pictures, cards and all that sentimental stuff until recently. Now I just feel overwhelmed by it and just want to throw it all out! The people writing to me probably don’t even have a clue as to what my problem is. I’m sure they don’t mean to put me in the position I feel I’m in or even expect me to keep the letters. I am not using the telephone, Facebook, email or any other sort of digital communication besides this blog. I have considered on more than one occasion even deleting this blog. So how else are people to keep in touch with me to make sure I haven’t, as one of my pen pals puts it, “haven’t fallen down the stairs?” I have my husband so that helps if they try to call or something, but lately he hasn’t even wanted to talk on the phone or anything either. We find ourselves wanting to distance ourselves from the people in our lives and that isn’t an easy thing to do. UGH!
I’m sure this will pass eventually, just sharing where I’m at as I am pretty sure I’m not alone on this. Any suggestions?
The context of this poem is about what it’s like to be what’s called an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). Here are a couple of links that might interest you if your curious: htttp://www.empathguide.com/ and http://hsperson.com/.
It is very difficult for me at times being this type of person. It’s often difficult for me to discern what “belongs to me” and what “belongs to others” with regards to emotions and even physical aspects. There are times, for no reason, I’ll get anxious or upset and then later find out someone I know if having problems. Sometimes when I’m around someone who is sick or not feeling well, I will experience symptoms of their condition. It’s very difficult, if not often impossible for me to be in large groups of people and or crowds for extended periods of time. It wasn’t always this way, but as I’ve gotten older, my threshold for others has become much smaller. Some people, if they are really having trouble, can be so draining for me I end up having to withdraw from everyone and everything just to restore myself. I mainly find comfort in the quiet of nature, being with my husband and dogs and once in a while doing something special or visiting with a couple of people. So reading a letter and touching the paper someone in distress wrote on can affect me on some level. Finding out about the energy healing modality Quantum Touch helped me out with some of these issues but it takes daily vigilance on my part to deal with what comes with being a person like myself. Here is a link to their main website if your curious to learn more: https://www.quantumtouch.com/en/about-quantum-touch
There are a lot of people like me in the world, as the link talks about, a lot of people don’t even realize they are Empaths or HSP’s.
Letter to an Empath (by Jackie Wygant 22 April 2018)
Before I even open it, your already in my house
Your baggage unpacked and on the table
For me and my spouse
You need me to care and desire my empathy…..my concern
You have no way to know
Your words are just a piece of paper I want to burn
See I have my own troubles stacked high to the ceiling and out in the yard
My heart is covered in armor
My soul in on guard
I want to love you and care about your troubles and woes
It’s just too much
With my burdens from the tip of my nose down to my toes
I feel like a beaten dog who attempts over and over to trust the world
Yet gets ensnared in another trap
Another red flag unfurled.
Everything I do seems to be wrong
Lately I can’t even seem to find solace
In a comforting song.
So please forgive my callousness and turning away
May be in the rising dawn
We’ll find another way…..