18 April 2018 Difficulty in rising above obstacles in my own life

Hello to you.  I hope this finds you doing well today.  I’m doing ok but a little frustrated with my life at the moment.  I think my biggest frustration at the moment is my medical situation and the mail system in regards to my personal life.  I am having to practice mind over matter a lot lately to not let myself get pulled down by forces outside of myself.  I am having to, almost every minute of the day, rise above obstacles that are put in front of me by other well meaning individuals.   I have family and friends who like to write me letters and it’s very thoughtful but makes me feel obligated to write them back even when I am not wanting to do so.  In the past letter writing was effortless for me but now I find myself suspicious of everyone and everything.  I am having severe trust issues with even those, who in the past, were close to me.

With my being on yet another new medication, this isn’t helping me trust most anyone at this time.  I have been feeling like a prisoner or a hostage in my own home.  I don’t have much of a say of what my daily activities are and this doesn’t help me feel any better either.  This makes me feel like a child and I’m 50 years old!  I am 50 years old in years but inside I have always been much younger.  My way of being can make people feel very protective of me and this is increasingly a source of frustration at the moment.   The only way for them to contact me, they have found in the past, is through letters. I can’t stand talking on the phone, have stopped using any social media and  that is frustrating for people wanting to stay in touch with me who use those modalities for communication.  I currently have a stack of unread letters that I will read,  but as it stands at the moment, do not want to respond to.  Will the people writing take personal offense to my not wanting to write them back?  Hard to say.  I am not famous or in any political office, but I can imagine what I am dealing with is much the same for them at times.  I have written one fan letter in my entire life and I received a response but I am not even sure, at this point, who it was actually from.  I shared here about receiving the letter but deleted the post for concern of my own safety and their privacy.  It feels like every single thing I do is wrong sometimes.  After I received the response I thought was from them, I tried to send another note, it was a Christmas card.  I sent the Christmas card as a courtesy to the same person.  The first letter was sent to them during a time they were going through a crisis and I wanted to help.   I wrote to and it was returned on the same day I found out David Bowie had died….it was devastating for me to have that happen.   I still have both notes but sometimes wonder if I should even keep them.

I am running into a quandary about letters and if I should keep them.  They are part of the history that oftentimes gets lost.  Little people like me, my family and friends get lost in time if we just throw everything away but I am just so overwhelmed.  I don’t want to end up buried with papers all over the place of stuff I just don’t know what to do with!  I am not a hoarder and do not like to keep everything.  Oh to have a professional archivist at my disposal!  I have boxes and boxes of negatives that need to be processed and no clue what to do with it all.  UGH!

May be this resonates with someone who might visit today.  In my sharing this I just want to let you know you aren’t alone.  Sometimes life can seem like it’s closing in and the boundaries of it are very small but there is one space no one can take….the spirit.  I firmly believe that no matter what life hands me, my spirit energy is connected with the God of my understanding.  The God of my understanding remains the Source of all creation to include nature.  Everything I am and ever could hope to be is by the grace of this amazing Source of energy.  Whenever I feel like I am being torn down, beaten up, and about to give up, the Source will tap me with something as fine as a blade of grass to my face to encourage me to get back on my feet.  I don’t expect anyone else to subscribe to this belief system, but may be something will resonate and encourage you, if you have fallen down, to get back up.

There is a song that a counselor at a hospital I once stayed at who introduced me to, “Fear” by Blue October.  It helped me so much.  After I got out of the hospital I found out they had more songs and one of them is called “Home.”  Thinking about this song reminds me of how grateful I am for music of all kinds.  Music has been a source of great strength for me most of my life along with spirituality.

Some time ago I shared information about a non-profit organization called Music and Memory.  I believe in my heart, based on my own experience, that indeed these folks may be on to something.  It’s wonderful to imagine people getting a device with music and their being able to come to life inside.   Just singing to someone, without a device, could help too I think.  Like when children and groups go to hospices, hospitals and rehabilitation centers and perform for the residents and clients there.  If you are interested in learning more about Music and Memory, they have a web site and they also have videos on YouTube.  We have donated to them as part of our Christmas gifts exchange before instead of actual Christmas gifts.

We all fall down and I believe that God, or whatever name you would personally use for the God of your understanding, wants us to get back up and help each other walk again.  May be someday, my dream of a life without having the labels others put on me will actually be possible.  I hope something here resonates with you and helps you.

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