Hello to you. It’s 4:53 pm as I begin to write this short note to you wherever and whenever it is you find me here. I’m very tired and hope to get some good sleep tonight for a change. As I suspected, the phone number we didn’t recognize on my phone yesterday was from Alvarado Veterinary Clinic. They called to tell us May’s ashes were back from Faithful Friends (http://www.faithfulfriendspetcemetery.com/) and ready to be picked up. For some reason my phone didn’t show them leaving a message until I looked at it today! My phone has been acting up pretty much since I dropped it last year. I will need to replace the iPhone 4 we bought from Kyle’s youngest brother sometime soon and definitely trying to put that off as long as possible!
I decided to have a Memorial for May to help me process the feelings that were overwhelming me at receiving a little wooden box that used to be May. The weather was beautiful for it. We aren’t ready to release “May seed” just yet so I didn’t make that part of it. I brought out figurines to represent Sam, Blondie, Amber and a picture we have of Kyle’s dog who died shortly after Sam named Bailey. I also had two figurines my parents gave us many years ago because they thought they looked like May. They do like the May that was before Amber died and before May got sick and lost so much weight.
What came to me out there was why the death of anyone I love is so hard. It came to one word – tangibility.
In the separation of death there is the loss of the all the senses that make us real to each other. For the person left behind after a death, it’s all just scraps of paper, pictures, old clothes, toys, smells, familiar sounds and flickers of memories in the mind….phantoms of what used to be “us.”
As I understand what Buddhism teaches through the 4 Noble Truths and the 8 Fold Path, “Life is suffering and the reason life is suffering is because of attachment.” Sharing a life with other human beings and animals makes it very hard not to get emotionally attached. Emotional pain, to me, is often worse than most physical pains I experience.
I hope my sharing this experience might help someone going through this sort of experience right now be it at the loss of a human or family pet. Loss is loss and it fucking hurts! It’s important to acknowledge that it isn’t just the person or animal that has died that we are grieving. We are also grieving for ourselves for being left behind. It is far easier to leave than to be left in this way.
Enigma – Return To Innocence
I’m out of picture room again so if pictures disappear that you may have seen before (and enjoyed seeing), I’m sorry! I’m probably going to have to go through and remove any pictures that I’ve gotten from the internet or something. It sucks not having unlimited picture space. I can get more space but I just can’t pay the money to upgrade to get it just yet.