30 Dec 2016 Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds Oprah show interview, what will happen to my stuff after I die, my drawing before bed, Breaking Benjamin (Angels Fall)

Hello family.  How are you today?  The past couple of days have been emotional for me.  For some reason the death of Carrie Fisher just really  hit me hard.  I think it’s because when I hear parts of her story, especially the mental health aspects, she just resonates with me.  I think she had so much courage to come out with this part of herself and put it out there.  My friend Natalie shared this interview yesterday on Facebook and Kyle and I watched the whole thing.  I cried a lot.  Hearing Kyle talk about his almost taking up drinking this last “episode” of mine and the distance between myself and most of my family makes me suspect the pain Debbie Reynolds expressed about watching what Carrie went through is probably pretty close to what my family and friends feel about me.  There is a sense of powerlessness in all of it.   Powerless for them to be able to reason with me and powerless for me to be able to reason with myself when I’m in a manic state.

*had to find another copy of this as the other was deleted.  I apologize if this one disappears too.

The morbid part of myself started ruminating about what’s going to happen when it’s my time to go.  Specifically what will happen to “my stuff.”  Sometimes I look around our house at the stuff we’ve accumulated and just get overwhelmed.  I want to gather it all up into boxes and put it at the curb because I know if I’d try to have a garage sale nobody would buy most of it.  So many people have their own houses full of shit they don’t often look to go buy somebody else’s shit unless it will add to their existing collection.  I have a room full of sock monkey’s, the only room in our house that actually has a “theme”, and we never go in there!  The rest of the house is just random “stuff” that at some point, somebody is going to have to figure out what to do with.  One thing I’ve been doing is as I lose emotional attachment to things, I get rid of it but for every one thing I get rid of…..hello Christmas….here is some more random stuff to squirrel away.

I have a trunk full of journals and CD’s that are filled with my life story as well those of many of the lives I’ve encountered along the way.  When my  neighbor Michelle passed away tragically a  couple of years ago, she had a bunch of stuff like this.  She had poems and writings she’d done and nobody wanted them.  Most of it just ended up in the trash.  It was very sobering for me!  Kyle and I don’t have any kids to pass stuff on to that would actually care.  We aren’t close to any younger people in our family that will care either.  Will anyone give a shit about all the stuff I’ve recorded since high school or will it all just end up in a landfill somewhere?  My secret fantasy is that aliens would come and find my writings and it would be a time capsule for them to figure out what the fuck happened to us down here lol.  I’ve told Kyle if he doesn’t want it to use it as kindling to burn me up lol.  This is the morbid kind of shit that comes to mind at different times in life, when people in your generation die tragically.

I told Kyle that this is why there are so many gaps in human history.  The stuff that I’ve written down is exactly the stuff people doing genealogy would love to have from their ancestors but can never find.  No one in their line had the education, the means, gave a shit or even thought it important to record the little details about their lives and that of their families.  People are conditioned to believe that their stories don’t matter and that is so not the truth.

I would love to have a professional archivist show up at my door lol!  I told Kyle I’m surprised there isn’t a large market for archivist.  I would pay such a person to spend however much time it took to get all the negatives I need put into pictures, journals archived, letters scanned and photo albums organized because it’s just too hard for me to go back through my “archives” it’s too visceral!  Every time I’ve tried to get my journals into digital form I am a basket case afterwards…..the burning idea has been sounding better each year lol.

Anyhew…..sorry for the morbid subject matter but those of you who know me, know you can count on me for treading on subjects others avoid lol.  It can’t be rainbows, unicorns, puppies and chocolate all the time….a good portion of the time but we do need breaks into between!

29 Dec 2016 drawing before bed I did. I was thinking of Carrie and Debbie trying to find each other between worlds...the veil. Like reaching for someone in the darkness.

29 Dec 2016 drawing before bed I did. I was thinking of Carrie and Debbie trying to find each other between worlds…the veil. Like reaching for someone in the darkness.

Breaking Benjamin Angel’s Fall lyrics:

I try to face the fight within
But it’s over
I’m ready for the riot to begin
And surrender
I walked the path that led me to the end
Remember
I’m caught beneath with nothing left to give
Forever

When angels fall with broken wings
I can’t give up, I can’t give in
When all is lost and daylight ends
I’ll carry you and we will live forever

Grey skies will chase the light away
No longer
I fought the fight now only dark remains
Forever
Divided I will stand

And I will let this end

When angels fall with broken wings
I can’t give up, I can’t give in
When all is lost and daylight ends
I’ll carry you and we will live forever

The sun begins to rise
And wash away the sky
The turning of the tide
Don’t leave it all behind
I will never say goodbye
When angels fall with broken wings
I can’t give up, I can’t give in
When all is lost and daylight ends
I’ll carry you and we will live forever

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