Good morning family. How are you doing today wherever and whenever you are? I’m doing better. Kyle and I had a fight this morning and had to walk and talk it out. He’s having to face some things that are difficult when you are married to someone like me. He’s been through so much these past 13 or so years. He had to help me make a decision to never have children, he had to see me admitted to a mental health hospital twice and he’s had to try and understand a practical alien in his midst….speaking and operating in a language system he doesn’t understand. As I have been fully “manifesting” who I am (again) and this time without medication, he’s been seeing familiar behavior patterns emerge that happened prior to my hospitalization that past two times and it’s frightened him…..he’s afraid to lose me again.
I’ve tried to reassure him but this morning, for the second time, he threw his fears of my past in my face and I snapped back. The last tthree times I was “like this” I wasn’t allowed to fully manifest to myself….to heal without really bad drugs being administered into my system to try a facilitate “normalcy” and “compliance” and “silence” out of me. This time, there are no medications obstructing the path I have needed to take for 35+ years. He got to hear my resentment about being put into isolation and to be heavily sedated to try and “cure” me. In hearing this, with the tone I used, his own resentment, fear and anger bubble he’s had inside “popped” finally. He’s never had a chance to properly grieve what HE’S been through in trying to be there for me. We both got a walk in and did some talking and crying together. He’s not used to seeing me as I am right now and it’s intimidating. He has some things to work through, some decisions to make. We cannot continue to walk together if he wants to keep throwing my past in my present.
Just prior to my leaving Florida to join Kyle in Delaware, a friend I made through AA meetings (Satellite Beach) and I went to at Trinity Presbyterian Church, invited me to go to a Christmas Concert with her to see Chris Botti and Dave Koz play. I can remember when I saw Christopher walk on stage thinking, he looks just like an angel! He was just this glowing, confident and beautiful man who played trumpet like, well, I imagine an angel would! He is of course a human being but incredibly talented, as is his friend Dave. These two men helped guide me to another Trumpeteer, Kyle’s Dad, Tim Wygant! Something inside me was validated by going to this concert. Follow the Trumpet and you will find home!
Dave Koz and Chris Botti perform “Love is on the Way” Live on the Dave Koz Cruise
cover art by Andy Crepeau
The subject of Archetypes has been heavily on my mind as Kyle and I have been watching SuperGirl and as I’ve been reflecting on the “players” in my life thus far. As I’ve mentioned before, the way I think is in terms of how things are alike more than unalike. This brings me to choosing between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump because even though in my heart of hearts I know that really, we have two choices in this election. We’ve come too far….there is no time for a “redo” or “rewind” as the Buggles would say (Radio Killed the Video Star…first MTV music video).
Last night I decided to follow a train of thought that has been bugging me for quite some time. Ever since the first time I noticed how much Hillary Clinton’s eyes remind me of someone I loved, many of us loved and lost, Princess Lady Diana. I know it’s wierd, but follow me on this “train.”
Last night, in following the train I found several pictures of a much younger Hillary Clinton and Lady Diana together! They both looked so happy! The thought came to me that they were almost like sisters in a way. The reason I thought that was the movie Dracula Untold and how they showed the practice, back in the day, of royal families sending their children off to live in the courts of rival houses. They were sent there to learn how the other houses operated, their customs, their culture and also it was a way of keeping peace between countries. Now I’m not saying that Princess Diana and Hillary Clinton are sisters but I am saying they could be. It’s in the eyes (and smile). How I “see” people within people and connections between people usually starts with the eyes and then the smile.
So following this train of thought further I began to think of who else Hillary reminds me of and that would be, ironically, my step-mother who is also named Dianne! Part of what has turned me off about Hillary is the aspects of her that remind me of the more unpleasant parts I have experienced with my Mom. The same would be for Donald Trump. The aspects of him I do not like are much like those I do not respect in my own Father. Hillary and Donald are archetypes, for me, of my own parents.
Is this what other people in this country and world are experiencing too but just didn’t realize it? The people who are famous, who are high level political figures…..those who are “running this bitch lol” are oftentimes archetypes for people much closer to our own lives and this can be a good or a bad thing!
So what does this mean for me personally in terms of the election tomorrow?
My Mother Dianne and I have come so far together in dealing with all our past misunderstandings and personal issues. She allowed me to do Quantum Touch on her and it was one of the most moving and precious memories of my life with her! She actually acknowledged that what we shared together actually helped her unlike when I did this for my Dad. He didn’t feel anything, so he said, even though he acted quite differently afterwards. My Mom has allowed me to ask her things that were incredibly scary to ask, “Are you disappointed in me?” and you know what she said, “I’m sorry you’ve been what you have been through but NEVER disappointed!” That was SO BIG! Something I’ve never been able to truly do with my Dad because his entire being is claptrapped shut! My Dad has built an iron box around himself and I have wanted so many times to tear it off of him, wanted him to let me into the Pandora’s Box he has become but I have resigned to myself that it can’t be done. This is what he has chosen and I must respect and love him just as he is….accept him as he is. We either accept people as they are or we have to let them go. You can’t change people, they have to want to change themselves.
In another dimension, Bernie Sanders will be elected President but we are living in this one, right here, right now. I would love it if we truly had more than two choices, in my heart, as much as it hurts, I know now we don’t.
So in the spirit of archetypes, I’m With Her. If my Mom was running for President, I would vote for her because I have “faith” in her. Faith was my Mother Jeanne’s middle name….mine is Joy and if I had a daughter her first name was going to be Hope. My Mom Dianne would have made (would make) a fantastic Priest too btw. She has give her everything to the Catholic Church.
Rod Stewart- Have i told you lately that i love you (HQ)