Hello to you! It’s still the 4th, about 8:52 pm as I write but figured I’d date this for tomorrow since it’s so late in the evening!
Today was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Both Kyle and I are feeling sleep deprived and when I don’t get enough quality sleep, it affects my moods. I attempted to watch episode 3 of Roots and almost made it but can go no further with it. The subject matter just brought me so low I had trouble getting back to myself! There is such a paradox we make with these types of things. We should never forget our shared wrongs of history but the ways we choose to remember these things can torture us to a point we don’t want to remember and be self-defeating. My weakness in this regard is no reflection of the quality or caliber of this production or the performances….all so well done! I just know myself and my limits. When it comes to the things I put into my mind, body and spirit I want to go up, not further down. On the dog walk tonight Kyle and I talked about this too. We are even having trouble revisiting our scary movie collection for the same reason….sigh. We want to be lifted up, not dragged further down. These stories need to be told keeping in mind the fine balanced dance it is between the up and down in telling them! I’ll leave it at that!
After I got to the point I did in the episode and shut it off, I went outside to the little sanctuary I’ve created and just cried! I laid down and just looked up at the clouds and asked “Who are my real friends?! Who is my real family?! Where is my home?! It can’t be here because these people hate each other, kill each other and everything that lives even when they don’t need to, they hurt each other so much….they never learn from their mistakes and keep repeating them and don’t even seem to care! How can this be my home?! How can these be my real friends and my real family?! I don’t belong here, I’ve never belonged here….” You get the idea!
I know you may be thinking this is very personal stuff to be sharing in such a public place, but I do so, like I’ve done with so many other things I’ve gone through, because there are people out there who are going through these same feelings and feel alone too! I know I’m not the only person in the world who’s had this conversation with the God, Divinity, Source of their understanding or just talking to themselves because not everyone believes in a higher power!
I am so blessed with the life I have. A phrase Kyle and I often say after a rant and whining session about stupid shit is “We have first world problems and they aren’t nothing compared to the problems so many others have going on right now.” This doesn’t negate the fact we have problems, they are our problems and have meaning to us but they really are more times than not pretty minor! For example we don’t have a hurricane bearing down on us like Haiti or others in the path of Hurricane Matthew right now! I’m praying for you btw!
So my inquiry seemed to be heard because my support systems on Facebook from the realms living and dead, known and unknown, chimed in from all different directions and unknown to them, really comforted me! Thank you! This in particular came this evening and it is from Maya Angelou (her voice never ceases to comfort me!):
and a water conservation message whilst doing a science demonstration/magic trick from Ben:
and this evening the Netflix movie was about country singer Hank Williams starring Tom Hiddleston, “I Saw the Light.” I really enjoyed this film and was very impressed with Tom’s performance. At first I thought it may have just been lip synching but I could hear his voice in the tracks and was very pleased! Tom can really sing! I grew up listening to singers like Hank because my Mom, Dad and Grandparents liked country music so it was fun to hear songs like I Saw the Light and Hey Good Lookin again lol. There is something about the music of that particular era that is very uplifting to me. One of my favorite songs in this genre is by Dolly Parton, “Coat of Many Colors.” I didn’t realize Hank died so young….only 29! The pace of the movie was kind of slow but I stuck with it and no “Hiddlebuns” this time (had to tease about that) just tasteful pj’s! Well done!
No matter how alone you may feel or think you are, you are far from it! Something I’ve learned to do is when I am overwhelmed with emotions like today, I “talk it out” to whomever and whatever may be listening and cry, scream, yell…let it go to this force and have faith I have been heard. As I’ve shared….there is most always a response and it’s tailor made just for you. No one else will probably every know or see how things unfold like you will in response to such pleas! But it is my experience if you keep your eyes and your heart open, you will see it and know it’s just for you!