Hello there, it’s 2:33 am on this Friday as I start to write to you. Why so early you ask?! Well our cat May decided she couldn’t get back into the cat room an hour or so ago and was very LOUD about letting us know how unhappy she was about it. Those of you who share your lives with felines know what I’m talking about. So we are awake far earlier than we’d like to be! We have a concert to go to tonight….thank goodness for naps!
Like me, May isn’t the kitten she used to be and I’m guessing her trouble getting back in the cat room had to do with her hips bothering her. It’s no fun getting older whether your a cat, a dog or a people. Yesterday my friend Les sent us a letter and inside she included a picture she found whilst cleaning out some files……talk about a blast from my past! I haven’t seen this girl in a long time! Me the twenty-something girl with long hair! What was sweet though is Les said that even though I have changed from these days my smile is still there and it’s the smile of a much happier person…a “you must be happy with your life” smile and she’s right!!! Thank you Les for reminding me what’s most important because looks can be deceiving.
Someone may be young and youthful and “look” happy but they are often far from it…..they just haven’t found their way just yet. They have an empty “toolbox”….a toolbox it can take a day or a lifetime to fill. Such was the case with me. It’s more than finding the right job, the right person to marry, the right dress to wear….it’s an inside job. The keys to the “kingdom”….to true happiness are within you but sometimes can be quite elusive! It’s taken me 48 years to figure out how to make myself the sort of “happy” I am today, which is far from perfection, and not rely on others or trying to seek a tangible “thing” to do it for me (excessive shopping, exercise, work or eating for examples). My ex-husband Ken tried to tell me this so many times, “find a way to make yourself happy” and I’m finally doing that in healthy, non-self destructive and self-effacing ways. Each day I learn new ways to make myself happy and I intend to keep on learning for the rest of my life. Oh the hell I put him through not having a clue about myself….always looking outwards and terrified to be alone within. I still have stormy days, lost days….clueless days and I expect I always will but things are so much better!
The girl I was and the woman I am are almost strangers now but every once in awhile that girl reminds me I have much more to learn….we are never out of life school!
“It’s not who I was, but who I am” that matters now and I love the person I am today….wrinkles and all.
Yesterday afternoon while out in the backyard I was delighted to see a partial rainbow appear! Kind of felt like a response from the Universe to my laying on the cot Kyle bought for me and playing with my pendant and another crystal in the sunshine earlier in the day. I’m kind of like a child in her crib looking up at the shiny mobile overhead lol. Admiring the prisms of flashing color that crystals and some gemstones make in the sunlight is just one of the many ways I’ve found to make myself happy. Rainbows do all the work for me as far as shiny goes! I can just stand and admire the miracle…the beauty (and take a bunch of pictures with a camera we seriously need to replace lol).
Royal Choral Society: ‘Hallelujah Chorus’ from Handel’s Messiah
I miss him!!!
I’m almost finished reading the Art of Loving by Erich Fromm…..it has been quite enlightening and further validation that I have much to learn about the most fundamental of the arts we must know. Like all worthwhile causes…truly knowing what love is and what it means to and for me will be a lifelong quest:
― Erich Fromm,