Hello, sorry I didn’t post yesterday….did yah miss me? Well I missed you but I just wasn’t feeling good again. Not sure if it’s allergies and a cold or just allergies but hope is on the way! Rain is supposed to be coming and I’ll know after that which one is going on….need some air scrubbing around here!
The other thing that happened is I had it out with whatever or whomever is listening…I guess I was pent-up. Have you ever thought about your life and what you’ve witnessed people you love go through….the world go through….and wonder how the hell can there be a God in all this? For me personally it was why the hell did a loving God allow me to go through what I did last month AGAIN?! How could this loving God, Universe, Life Force, “One”, Angels, Spirit Guides….all the names we’ve come up with to comfort ourselves in our mortality again shred away any semblance of credibility I felt I had restored in myself and others around me? What was it all for? Are we really just worm food in the end? Is there even a God ir any kind of “after this?!” Is it all just bullshit we’ve been lead to believe so we don’t spend our lives dreading death?
Was the whole thing I went through recently just to validate to myself and everyone who knows me, “Yeah the girls bat shit crazy, knew it!” How could this same force allow the people in power who have done bad shit to those less fortunate in the world for all these centuries continue to do so? No consequences, no judgement, no impediment to their activities…every time the little people have tried to rise up getting their getting crumpled under tanks on international television, sent to senseless war fronts, deceived, manipulated, appeased into compliance, plied with expensive and addictive distractions, sent to prison, herded to furnaces, assassinated. How could this same force allow plane loads of people to die, allow good people to get sick and die with such horrible illnesses, get swept away in floods and tornadoes…buried in landslides….killed in car accidents…on and on. What are we supposed to be “learning” from all this horror? We don’t seem to have “learned” whatever it is yet so how can this force think we are ever going to learn? Ever going to change? Ever going to “win” and actually evolve as a species?!
Yeah I was yelling, screaming and crying at this force in my kitchen yesterday…..”I’m pissed at you, I hate you, I don’t believe you exist, how can you allow this, you hate me, you hate us, how could you love me and allow what happened to happen again….I’m hurting….you need me, you need us to FORGIVE YOU not the other way around!
When I had “my thing” in August and early September there was something I did that is starting to make sense to me.
Prior to everything “exploding” I had decided I had lost personal attachment to all the replicas of iconic buildings from Europe and America that I had collected when I was in the military. I had put them all in a box with a suspense date of a year. If I didn’t open the box I was going to get rid of them. Well when the “thing” started to happen I opened the box and started arranging these buildings and statues along with other “symbols” of the world according to “houses” if that makes sense. The dragons represented the dark forces (even though I don’t really think dragons are evil), my statues of angels, Mary, fairies etc were a house and so on. After I had all these symbolic things in the house “sorted” like the sorting hat in Harry Potter, I spent days going through centuries of time making personal amends to every single one of these symbols and expressed anger at the “houses” that had caused so much pain in the world. I took my Jackie Onassis doll from the Franklin Mint I had bought years ago and made amends to her….identified with her….felt like I was a “Jackie doll” too. Jackie was just one of the “families” through time I made personal “amends to.” I even went through the house and made amends to every one of our appliances….reading numbers on the stoves clock like it was language. I had warranties from products we’ve bought and I sorted them according to the “good and the bad” and this same process applied to every bit of food, beauty, cleaning product etc. in our house. It just didn’t seem to end…exhaustingly thorough! Just when I thought I was finished…there was something else I’d left out.
I “apologized” to my stuffed animals who to me were symbolic of every living creature wronged by us on this earth. I took the clothes off of the bears and almost threw them away…animals should not be wearing clothes. They should be allowed to be animals. My mind-set in those moments was putting clothes on animals was our way of trying to humanize them so we wouldn’t kill, torture or maim them all. If an animal is perceived as more human than animal….well it seems there is more mercy and compassion on our part…to hell with the rest. Like the predators and what we’ve done to them….wolves, bears, lions, tigers, coyotes, foxes….if they aren’t cute and cuddly and compliant to our wishes…they die.
The whole thing culminated with the POW flag I’d bought last year. I looked at that flag and just cried and screamed my lungs out at the forces behind making such a flag have to exist at all!
Yeah it was fucking bizarre but I wonder if it was really all that crazy after what happened yesterday. Was what happened like me being a camera, a tool of judgement and a witness? A conduit to express the rage of all living things on this planet to and for God? Both sides of the coin at once? Purging a life time of personal and global rage and resentment AND a guilty party to those responsible for so much horror?
Last night before bed I whispered to the “air” “I’m still mad at you!”
This morning in reflection I wonder who I’m really mad at!
The reason I’m sharing this is because I know there are so many people in this world who have probably thought these same thoughts….felt these same feelings. Have stood still for a moment with tears in their eyes asking, “Why God why?!” The horrible truth I’ve come to this morning is this. We are God and God is us. A lot of this “horror” we’ve brought on ourselves with our part of being God. Whether consciously and or unconsciously we’ve created this existence with our individual thoughts, actions and deeds. These individual forces of thought and action energy all bleeding into and overlapping each other into our shared reality. Every thought, action and deed of one person being an energetic call to manifestation. Is this may be why the push to have us all believe in “One” thing and “Do” the same things? Did somebody or somebody’s realize what I’m talking about and gradually conspire with others to try and save the world from chaos with this methodology?
It’s a complex, off-putting train of thought isn’t it? The mere thought that because we thought we wanted the eradication of a pest of whatever kind….gradually this thought manifested into action and our simple errant “wish” was granted? In some cases there being enough “thinking” of an opponent course so our wish wasn’t completely but only in part granted?
Who am I really mad at now? Who should I be mad at? Where does the forgiveness and forgiving need to come from?! Am I mad at “God” or am I mad at us….mad at me?! If you are in a state of this being does this make sense to you? If you reflect on your thoughts and actions through your life, is God the only one responsible for creating or not preventing your miseries?
Definitely something to think about.
On a lighter note. Thank goodness right?! My mother-in-law Beth recommended a new CW show to me yesterday called My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend so we decided to watch the first episode on Hulu Plus last night. What I can say is my first thought during the opening scene was this:
I also got the goofy grin, through most of it, I got when Beth introduced me to Glee! I didn’t know whether to like it or not but I couldn’t help smiling and laughing. Kyle wasn’t completely sold but he didn’t want me to watch the second episode available without him lol! There was singing and it was really good singing. Normally I get irritated with singing in shows, even though as a little girl I used to LOVE musical anything, but no with this show.
This morning this silly video was posted on the Benedict Cumberbatch fan page and just seeing Tom Hiddleston again…cheered me right up. Like I said in my Crimson Peak review…his charisma precedes him in just about anything I’ve seen him in. This was no different!
I close with an I love you, thank you for visiting and I hope what I’ve shared today will provoke some introspection for you. If you’ve been through a trial or are currently facing one of any kind….who are you really mad at? Who is really responsible?